Hi I am new - not sure what I want
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Hi I am new - not sure what I want
Hello everyone I joined today.
I guess I would like clarification that I am not being unreasonable or going crazy or that I am making mountains out of molehills or that I am just going through some kind of midlife crisis and being selfish? Maybe I am. I married my AH 13 years ago. He is 11 years older than me and we have 2 children together. I also have 2 teenagers from my first marriage which ended after 10 years, that was an abusive marriage .
My AH and I met when we both worked in the pub trade as licensees. My XH was a licensee and after he left, my AH took over the pub and kept me on as manager. We developed our relashionship very quickly. Looking back I can see what red flags were there but hindsight is all very well. So alcohol was always a huge part of my life.
My AH seemed much more in control of the business, being older he had an air of authority about him and I really thought he was a brilliant man. He took care of me and my children and finacially bailed me out of a lot of crap that my XH had got us into. He bought me a car and a house and paid my solicitors fees. We got married and had our son only 12 months after my divorce. He had property and an impressive CV including being fluent in Italian and a qualified pilot. In fact, he will still tell anyone that will listen how successful he was "before he met the wife and had kids and they drained my bank account" I was swept off my feet and thought he was the one.
OK I ignored a few niggling doubts. Sex was awful. There was no spark at all, he wasnt interested and when he was it lasted minutes. We didnt even make love on our wedding night because he passed out drunk. It dwindled off about 3 years ago and now is something we just dont ever do or discuss and frankly it would now seem a bit weird. It wasnt a priority for me though. Another red flag was his occasional temper flare up. I had a puppy at the time we met and one night he was whining i the kitchen keeping us awake. My AH ( we wernt even married but he was sleeping over in the house he had bought me!) he got up and went downstairs and smacked the dog. It really really upset me. But I was scared. You have to know I had been in an abusive marriage for 10 years. I was in a bad place. I am ashamed that I didn't kick him out there and then but put it down to him being tired after a long shift.
Anyway the years have gone by and he is 80% of the time loving and kind. I havent seen any further outbursts of violence towards the dog but I have seen his temper flare up at my teenagers. He has backed them into a corner and been very aggressive on occasion. but never with me. I always step in and stop him and he goes quiet for a few days. This hasn't happened for a long time probably because they have learned not to trigger him.
He was drinking a lot from the word go but was fully functional. I guess you could say the drinking has escalated somewhat the functioning has become less and less. He lost his job when I was pregnant but instead of looking for work he decided he didn't want to "miss out" on the baby so he stayed at home sold a house and we lived off the money for a while. We ran into some serious debts after that which just went from bad to worse.
I set us up with a franchise together and it all went badly wrong because of financial mismanagement. Partly my fault as I had postnatal depression and couldn't do much for a few months. We faced court and have debts still left after that and we lost the franchise. We had our car repossessed because he forgot to keep up the payments. We lost our home because the sale fell through after we had already moved on and it was empty for 12 months. We now rent and live on benefits. Our youngest has autism and I care for her so don't work. My AH has a new business but after the last time, I refused to be a part of it. It doesn't earn us anything! Peanuts, in fact. His tax returns are late every year and he gets fined. He has fines for all sorts, driving the van with no tax because he forgot to tax it! driving and using his mobile phone! Its all building up and its all through his lack of ability to manage. He gets angry and resentful and blames everyone but himself. He was drinking every day, 2 litres of strong cider, 3 or 4 strong gin and tonics and a bottle or two of red wine, from 12.30pm until he passed out. every day.
We had a holiday about 2 years ago and he was drunk the entire time. He sat with a group of strangers by the pool drinking from early morning onwards. I was stuck in the hotel room because our youngest couldn't cope with the environment and our son was bored because his dad refused to go in the pool with him or take him out anywhere. I told myself I would never go on holiday with him again after that. He smells bad, like fusty socks. I hate sleeping next to him and the bedroom reeks every morning. His breath stinks. His skin is flaky and dry and he wears the same clothes for days without showering. He looks like an old tramp and I am ashamed to say that at times I am embarrassed to be seen with him. People often mistake him for my dad!
On a daily basis he gets up, and sits playing on his phone for a couple of hours. Then he might answer a few phone calls and emails, occasionally goes out to see a client so on the surface he is running a business, but mostly he just watches TV. He is not interested in doing anything else.
He has no friends or family except a brother that also drinks. He is grumpy a lot of the time and ultra ULTRA critical of everyone else. Even when I am driving he starts to tell me when to change gear, points out that my foot is still on the clutch etc.
Recently the kids' pet rabbit died and as we were all sobbing and sat with the bunny on my lap after she had just had a fit, still warm in my arms, and he asked me why I hadn't bought him any red wine. I had been out all day, just got into the drama and the kids were upset. He had his foot in plaster so couldnt drive to the off licence and got very nasty with me for not wanting to go back out. His timing couldn't have been worse. He stormed off on his crutches to the petrol station and it was heavy snow and ice outside. I left him to it
I started to detach years ago without realising what I was doing. I have my own interests and friends and have weekends away without him. I am creative and have hobbies that mean I can be in my room alone all day doing those things. We eat separate meals and only sit together in the evening if we want to watch the same tv programme otherwise I go to bed by 8pm just to watch Netflix.
It feels like this is all wrong. This isn't how married life was supposed to turn out? He doesn't beat me up though he does love us in his own way, he tells me he loves me and sometimes.... just sometimes I will get a surprise like breakfast in bed and that will totally throw me!! There are momenst when he really makes me laugh, his sense of humor is the same as mine. In those moments I love him and feel so bad for thinking of leaving. The last three weeks have been weird. I have never pulled him up about his drinking. I am not a nag and have never been so something must have clicked with him because he just announced he has quit. Just like that. He says " he doesn't miss it". He just got "bored of drinking". He hasn't admitted having a drinking problem. he hasn't joined any support programme. So I feel a bit like I am now in limbo, and again guilty feelings for thinking this but I am just waiting for him to relapse? He hasn't been much easier to live with either. Grumpy. still blames everyone else. Still picks at my older kids for small things but the younger two can do no wrong. He often undermines my authority with our son who is 12. But kids need a dad right? Especially after going through CAFCASS and family courts with my first husband I dont want to go through all that **** again.
So hence my title to this post. I don't know what I want!! What AM I expecting to happen here? Almost ... feel that if he starts drinking again I have my "excuse" back to be thinking of leaving. Does that make sense?
Does that make me a cow? Am I the one with the problem here? I honestly don't know if I am being selfish thinking I could do better ( and I don't mean with another man - I am sick of being part of a couple where things are all one sided!) I just want to be independent and free from feeling resentment every day all day long. Thanks for reading my epic novel lol It helps to offload
I guess I would like clarification that I am not being unreasonable or going crazy or that I am making mountains out of molehills or that I am just going through some kind of midlife crisis and being selfish? Maybe I am. I married my AH 13 years ago. He is 11 years older than me and we have 2 children together. I also have 2 teenagers from my first marriage which ended after 10 years, that was an abusive marriage .
My AH and I met when we both worked in the pub trade as licensees. My XH was a licensee and after he left, my AH took over the pub and kept me on as manager. We developed our relashionship very quickly. Looking back I can see what red flags were there but hindsight is all very well. So alcohol was always a huge part of my life.
My AH seemed much more in control of the business, being older he had an air of authority about him and I really thought he was a brilliant man. He took care of me and my children and finacially bailed me out of a lot of crap that my XH had got us into. He bought me a car and a house and paid my solicitors fees. We got married and had our son only 12 months after my divorce. He had property and an impressive CV including being fluent in Italian and a qualified pilot. In fact, he will still tell anyone that will listen how successful he was "before he met the wife and had kids and they drained my bank account" I was swept off my feet and thought he was the one.
OK I ignored a few niggling doubts. Sex was awful. There was no spark at all, he wasnt interested and when he was it lasted minutes. We didnt even make love on our wedding night because he passed out drunk. It dwindled off about 3 years ago and now is something we just dont ever do or discuss and frankly it would now seem a bit weird. It wasnt a priority for me though. Another red flag was his occasional temper flare up. I had a puppy at the time we met and one night he was whining i the kitchen keeping us awake. My AH ( we wernt even married but he was sleeping over in the house he had bought me!) he got up and went downstairs and smacked the dog. It really really upset me. But I was scared. You have to know I had been in an abusive marriage for 10 years. I was in a bad place. I am ashamed that I didn't kick him out there and then but put it down to him being tired after a long shift.
Anyway the years have gone by and he is 80% of the time loving and kind. I havent seen any further outbursts of violence towards the dog but I have seen his temper flare up at my teenagers. He has backed them into a corner and been very aggressive on occasion. but never with me. I always step in and stop him and he goes quiet for a few days. This hasn't happened for a long time probably because they have learned not to trigger him.
He was drinking a lot from the word go but was fully functional. I guess you could say the drinking has escalated somewhat the functioning has become less and less. He lost his job when I was pregnant but instead of looking for work he decided he didn't want to "miss out" on the baby so he stayed at home sold a house and we lived off the money for a while. We ran into some serious debts after that which just went from bad to worse.
I set us up with a franchise together and it all went badly wrong because of financial mismanagement. Partly my fault as I had postnatal depression and couldn't do much for a few months. We faced court and have debts still left after that and we lost the franchise. We had our car repossessed because he forgot to keep up the payments. We lost our home because the sale fell through after we had already moved on and it was empty for 12 months. We now rent and live on benefits. Our youngest has autism and I care for her so don't work. My AH has a new business but after the last time, I refused to be a part of it. It doesn't earn us anything! Peanuts, in fact. His tax returns are late every year and he gets fined. He has fines for all sorts, driving the van with no tax because he forgot to tax it! driving and using his mobile phone! Its all building up and its all through his lack of ability to manage. He gets angry and resentful and blames everyone but himself. He was drinking every day, 2 litres of strong cider, 3 or 4 strong gin and tonics and a bottle or two of red wine, from 12.30pm until he passed out. every day.
We had a holiday about 2 years ago and he was drunk the entire time. He sat with a group of strangers by the pool drinking from early morning onwards. I was stuck in the hotel room because our youngest couldn't cope with the environment and our son was bored because his dad refused to go in the pool with him or take him out anywhere. I told myself I would never go on holiday with him again after that. He smells bad, like fusty socks. I hate sleeping next to him and the bedroom reeks every morning. His breath stinks. His skin is flaky and dry and he wears the same clothes for days without showering. He looks like an old tramp and I am ashamed to say that at times I am embarrassed to be seen with him. People often mistake him for my dad!
On a daily basis he gets up, and sits playing on his phone for a couple of hours. Then he might answer a few phone calls and emails, occasionally goes out to see a client so on the surface he is running a business, but mostly he just watches TV. He is not interested in doing anything else.
He has no friends or family except a brother that also drinks. He is grumpy a lot of the time and ultra ULTRA critical of everyone else. Even when I am driving he starts to tell me when to change gear, points out that my foot is still on the clutch etc.
Recently the kids' pet rabbit died and as we were all sobbing and sat with the bunny on my lap after she had just had a fit, still warm in my arms, and he asked me why I hadn't bought him any red wine. I had been out all day, just got into the drama and the kids were upset. He had his foot in plaster so couldnt drive to the off licence and got very nasty with me for not wanting to go back out. His timing couldn't have been worse. He stormed off on his crutches to the petrol station and it was heavy snow and ice outside. I left him to it
I started to detach years ago without realising what I was doing. I have my own interests and friends and have weekends away without him. I am creative and have hobbies that mean I can be in my room alone all day doing those things. We eat separate meals and only sit together in the evening if we want to watch the same tv programme otherwise I go to bed by 8pm just to watch Netflix.
It feels like this is all wrong. This isn't how married life was supposed to turn out? He doesn't beat me up though he does love us in his own way, he tells me he loves me and sometimes.... just sometimes I will get a surprise like breakfast in bed and that will totally throw me!! There are momenst when he really makes me laugh, his sense of humor is the same as mine. In those moments I love him and feel so bad for thinking of leaving. The last three weeks have been weird. I have never pulled him up about his drinking. I am not a nag and have never been so something must have clicked with him because he just announced he has quit. Just like that. He says " he doesn't miss it". He just got "bored of drinking". He hasn't admitted having a drinking problem. he hasn't joined any support programme. So I feel a bit like I am now in limbo, and again guilty feelings for thinking this but I am just waiting for him to relapse? He hasn't been much easier to live with either. Grumpy. still blames everyone else. Still picks at my older kids for small things but the younger two can do no wrong. He often undermines my authority with our son who is 12. But kids need a dad right? Especially after going through CAFCASS and family courts with my first husband I dont want to go through all that **** again.
So hence my title to this post. I don't know what I want!! What AM I expecting to happen here? Almost ... feel that if he starts drinking again I have my "excuse" back to be thinking of leaving. Does that make sense?
Does that make me a cow? Am I the one with the problem here? I honestly don't know if I am being selfish thinking I could do better ( and I don't mean with another man - I am sick of being part of a couple where things are all one sided!) I just want to be independent and free from feeling resentment every day all day long. Thanks for reading my epic novel lol It helps to offload
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
RainingButtons, welcome to SR. First off, I want to say that if you're unhappy, you're unhappy. You do NOT need anyone to validate your feelings, or a "good enough" reason to be unhappy. Living with an abusive (yes, this one is too), drunken, self-centered man would make most people unhappy.
And chances are extremely good that yes, you could do better on your own. In fact, it's almost a certainty, in my opinion.
I hope you can take some time to read around the forum here, and make sure to look into the "stickies" at the top of the page. I think you'll find a lot that will sound awfully familiar to you. Getting some f2f support, like Alanon, may be really helpful for you too--Alanon and SR certainly helped me make major changes in my life.
Glad you found us here. In my experience, those who get the most benefit from SR are those who are actively engaged, reading and posting not only in their own thread but in others, too. Hope to hear more from you in the days to come.
And chances are extremely good that yes, you could do better on your own. In fact, it's almost a certainty, in my opinion.
I hope you can take some time to read around the forum here, and make sure to look into the "stickies" at the top of the page. I think you'll find a lot that will sound awfully familiar to you. Getting some f2f support, like Alanon, may be really helpful for you too--Alanon and SR certainly helped me make major changes in my life.
Glad you found us here. In my experience, those who get the most benefit from SR are those who are actively engaged, reading and posting not only in their own thread but in others, too. Hope to hear more from you in the days to come.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
RainingButtons....As I am reading your post....I get the feeing that you do know what you WANT.....but don't want to go through what it takes to change your life....
I suggest that you read "Co-Dependent No More"....it is a highly recommended book, on this forum... It is an easy read and I think a lot will resonate with you...You can probably read it in 2 or 3 days......
We have almost a hundred excellent articles in our Library (also called the "stickies"....
Here is a direct link to them....it would be a good plan to read a nd digest one every single day......
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
to answer one of your questions....yes, I do think you have your own issues which were brought to the marriage...and, only made much worse by living with an active alcoholic for 13years. Mind you---I an not saying that the alcoholism is not your fault....wh ich it certainly isn't...That is his problem...that only he can do
deal with....(so don't even try)....
NO! you are not a cow!!
I suggest that you read "Co-Dependent No More"....it is a highly recommended book, on this forum... It is an easy read and I think a lot will resonate with you...You can probably read it in 2 or 3 days......
We have almost a hundred excellent articles in our Library (also called the "stickies"....
Here is a direct link to them....it would be a good plan to read a nd digest one every single day......
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
to answer one of your questions....yes, I do think you have your own issues which were brought to the marriage...and, only made much worse by living with an active alcoholic for 13years. Mind you---I an not saying that the alcoholism is not your fault....wh ich it certainly isn't...That is his problem...that only he can do
deal with....(so don't even try)....
NO! you are not a cow!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Originally Posted by honeypig 
RainingButtons, welcome to SR. First off, I want to say that if you're unhappy, you're unhappy. You do NOT need anyone to validate your feelings, or a "good enough" reason to be unhappy. Living with an abusive (yes, this one is too), drunken, self-centered man would make most people unhappy.
And chances are extremely good that yes, you could do better on your own. In fact, it's almost a certainty, in my opinion.
I hope you can take some time to read around the forum here, and make sure to look into the "stickies" at the top of the page. I think you'll find a lot that will sound awfully familiar to you. Getting some f2f support, like Alanon, may be really helpful for you too--Alanon and SR certainly helped me make major changes in my life.
Glad you found us here. In my experience, those who get the most benefit from SR are those who are actively engaged, reading and posting not only in their own thread but in others, too. Hope to hear more from you in the days to come.
And chances are extremely good that yes, you could do better on your own. In fact, it's almost a certainty, in my opinion.
I hope you can take some time to read around the forum here, and make sure to look into the "stickies" at the top of the page. I think you'll find a lot that will sound awfully familiar to you. Getting some f2f support, like Alanon, may be really helpful for you too--Alanon and SR certainly helped me make major changes in my life.
Glad you found us here. In my experience, those who get the most benefit from SR are those who are actively engaged, reading and posting not only in their own thread but in others, too. Hope to hear more from you in the days to come.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Originally Posted by dandylion
RainingButtons....As I am reading your post....I get the feeing that you do know what you WANT.....but don't want to go through what it takes to change your life....
I suggest that you read "Co-Dependent No More"....it is a highly recommended book, on this forum... It is an easy read and I think a lot will resonate with you...You can probably read it in 2 or 3 days......
We have almost a hundred excellent articles in our Library (also called the "stickies"....
Here is a direct link to them....it would be a good plan to read a nd digest one every single day
to answer one of your questions....yes, I do think you have your own issues which were brought to the marriage...and, only made much worse by living with an active alcoholic for 13years. Mind you---I an not saying that the alcoholism is not your fault....wh ich it certainly isn't...That is his problem...that only he can do
deal with....(so don't even try)....
NO! you are not a cow!!
I suggest that you read "Co-Dependent No More"....it is a highly recommended book, on this forum... It is an easy read and I think a lot will resonate with you...You can probably read it in 2 or 3 days......
We have almost a hundred excellent articles in our Library (also called the "stickies"....
Here is a direct link to them....it would be a good plan to read a nd digest one every single day
to answer one of your questions....yes, I do think you have your own issues which were brought to the marriage...and, only made much worse by living with an active alcoholic for 13years. Mind you---I an not saying that the alcoholism is not your fault....wh ich it certainly isn't...That is his problem...that only he can do
deal with....(so don't even try)....
NO! you are not a cow!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Hi Raining and welcome,
I just read your full post and honestly my reaction is - just walk out the door (take the kids too!).
Now, no doubt easier said than done but honestly, based on your post, I see zero upside to you staying where you are.
Is there any upside?
I just read your full post and honestly my reaction is - just walk out the door (take the kids too!).
Now, no doubt easier said than done but honestly, based on your post, I see zero upside to you staying where you are.
Is there any upside?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Originally Posted by trailmix
Hi Raining and welcome,
I just read your full post and honestly my reaction is - just walk out the door (take the kids too!).
Now, no doubt easier said than done but honestly, based on your post, I see zero upside to you staying where you are.
Is there any upside?
I just read your full post and honestly my reaction is - just walk out the door (take the kids too!).
Now, no doubt easier said than done but honestly, based on your post, I see zero upside to you staying where you are.
Is there any upside?
Upsides? 🤔 well I’d say, there are some yes. I do love him and feel terrible saying all these things. I feel it’s a betrayal and if he read this it would rip him into pieces.
The younger kids both love thier daddy and I don’t want to break thier hearts. He is not fully present for them in terms of spending quality time (ie our son has been desperate to go swimming all week but he won’t take him he makes excuses not to) but he cooks them roast dinners and is very tactile hugging them and telling them they are loved. Which melts my heart.
He can be funny he does make me laugh at times and he does love us (despite everything. I know his faults are many but I’m not perfect either?)
Currently renting and I’ve moved house 6 times in the last 13 years. I’m sick of moving. So staying put for now is appealing. He would never leave although he does still own a house he rents out that he could move to. It’s tiny too small for me and the kids. He’s hung onto it because there’s very little equity in it so not worth selling. (Guess who is the person that sorts out all the paperwork, did the legal landlord licence course and yearly gas safety certificates etc for that though! 😏 ie me!) but I have thought that I’d not fight him over that if it made things easier I’d let him keep it.
He is I guess still an emotional prop for me - someone to offload stuff to someone to moan to about little things or tell about the small stuff like local gossip etc .. just “stuff”. Another adult. But I have to add half the time he’s not really listening or he forgets what I’ve told him.. 😬
So that’s the upsides to staying.. x
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by RainingButtons
Hi Thankyou for reading and the reply
Upsides? �� well I’d say, there are some yes. I do love him and feel terrible saying all these things. I feel it’s a betrayal and if he read this it would rip him into pieces.
The younger kids both love thier daddy and I don’t want to break thier hearts.
Upsides? �� well I’d say, there are some yes. I do love him and feel terrible saying all these things. I feel it’s a betrayal and if he read this it would rip him into pieces.
The younger kids both love thier daddy and I don’t want to break thier hearts.
A few things stuck out to me. First of all you aren't really in a relationship with him, he is more like a roommate with history?
Secondly, the comment you made about him not snapping at the teens as much and that they have learned to not trigger him. That's a tough one. Classic case of kids that will grow up not looking out for themselves.
I'm not sure if you are familiar with how having an alcoholic in the house affects kids but one of the things that I see repeated is that when the alcoholic is the center of attention, when everyone is walking on eggshells trying not to do or say the wrong thing, you get the idea that your thoughts and feelings don't matter.
What then happens as an adult is that you don't naturally look out for yourself. You become the "smoother-over" the one that deflates arguments the one that goes along so as not to make waves. It's not a good thing. They might benefit from some counselling or Al-Ateen perhaps.
Another member here, FireSprite, made a really good post about this subject a few days ago: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...92-post47.html (Stay at home? Go back to work? Am I enabling?)
That aside, if you are not interested in having another relationship and you are comfortable with your roommate, maybe there is no need to make a change there right now? If that is the case I think you would need to be upfront with him about that though.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Originally Posted by trailmix
Ok well, that is good stuff : ). Good but not great.
A few things stuck out to me. First of all you aren't really in a relationship with him, he is more like a roommate with history?
Secondly, the comment you made about him not snapping at the teens as much and that they have learned to not trigger him. That's a tough one. Classic case of kids that will grow up not looking out for themselves.
I'm not sure if you are familiar with how having an alcoholic in the house affects kids but one of the things that I see repeated is that when the alcoholic is the center of attention, when everyone is walking on eggshells trying not to do or say the wrong thing, you get the idea that your thoughts and feelings don't matter.
What then happens as an adult is that you don't naturally look out for yourself. You become the "smoother-over" the one that deflates arguments the one that goes along so as not to make waves. It's not a good thing. They might benefit from some counselling
Another member here, FireSprite, made a really good post about this subject a few days ago:
That aside, if you are not interested in having another relationship and you are comfortable with your roommate, maybe there is no need to make a change there right now? If that is the case I think you would need to be upfront with him about that though.
A few things stuck out to me. First of all you aren't really in a relationship with him, he is more like a roommate with history?
Secondly, the comment you made about him not snapping at the teens as much and that they have learned to not trigger him. That's a tough one. Classic case of kids that will grow up not looking out for themselves.
I'm not sure if you are familiar with how having an alcoholic in the house affects kids but one of the things that I see repeated is that when the alcoholic is the center of attention, when everyone is walking on eggshells trying not to do or say the wrong thing, you get the idea that your thoughts and feelings don't matter.
What then happens as an adult is that you don't naturally look out for yourself. You become the "smoother-over" the one that deflates arguments the one that goes along so as not to make waves. It's not a good thing. They might benefit from some counselling
Another member here, FireSprite, made a really good post about this subject a few days ago:
That aside, if you are not interested in having another relationship and you are comfortable with your roommate, maybe there is no need to make a change there right now? If that is the case I think you would need to be upfront with him about that though.
For now I’m learning all I can, reading all I can, keeping the peace - making plans to save a little perhaps and taking one day at a time. I do think one day there will be a breaking point and want to be prepared.
Very much appreciate your feedback Thankyou
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Read everything you can and learn about alcoholism. The book you are going to read, Codependant No More, will blow your mind. You will see yourself, maybe cry, then hold your head up and get to work. You can do this!!!!
Originally Posted by RainingButtons
Thankyou lol 😊 I will download that book now and have a good look at the other books too! One thing I do Iove is to read 😄
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
RB - you sound like your life is something of the teeter-totter with indecision. I have been in your shoes -- with little ones at home, everything invested in the property to where I couldn't make a move unless we sold. I even went to an attorney to get advice on "how to move on".... everyone is different and you do have to weigh the good and bad/ pros and cons for yourself. Just reaching out like you are doing here is good for trying to find your direction.
Here's my advice based on what you report: (1) start saving for your emergency fund. If for no other reason than having a savings is empowering. I'm not talking a joint savings. I'm talking for-you-only savings. (2) be prepared to support yourself. (3) Take classes if you can spare the time. Learn skills like typing, computer programs such as Quickbooks or Excel spreadsheets, any skill that can get you hired. Not sure where you live but many community colleges offer training courses for a nominal fee, and often times offer scholarships to those who can't afford to pay. (4) If your husband is around the house most of the day, gradually leave the younger children with him while you go to a class or two. If he balks at doing this, read up on codependency. I'm assuming he can be trusted with his own children?
It sounds like your family could use more income because of bad business decisions so sharpen up on other marketable skills for your self.
it could be you two work things out but in the event that you can't, you will be on the road to providing a life for yourself and your children. Empowering yourself can be scary at first but it sure beats being dependent on a man that (sounds like anyway, no offense) doesn't take care of himself.
Hopefully he will remain sober and start taking care of himself. Your job is to take care of yourself. Read all you can about alcoholism, codependency and take advantage of the resources you'll find on this website. Prepare yourself for a better life, you deserve it.
Here's my advice based on what you report: (1) start saving for your emergency fund. If for no other reason than having a savings is empowering. I'm not talking a joint savings. I'm talking for-you-only savings. (2) be prepared to support yourself. (3) Take classes if you can spare the time. Learn skills like typing, computer programs such as Quickbooks or Excel spreadsheets, any skill that can get you hired. Not sure where you live but many community colleges offer training courses for a nominal fee, and often times offer scholarships to those who can't afford to pay. (4) If your husband is around the house most of the day, gradually leave the younger children with him while you go to a class or two. If he balks at doing this, read up on codependency. I'm assuming he can be trusted with his own children?
It sounds like your family could use more income because of bad business decisions so sharpen up on other marketable skills for your self.
it could be you two work things out but in the event that you can't, you will be on the road to providing a life for yourself and your children. Empowering yourself can be scary at first but it sure beats being dependent on a man that (sounds like anyway, no offense) doesn't take care of himself.
Hopefully he will remain sober and start taking care of himself. Your job is to take care of yourself. Read all you can about alcoholism, codependency and take advantage of the resources you'll find on this website. Prepare yourself for a better life, you deserve it.
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The teenagers yes they tread on eggshells and my eldest is 20 and in counselling for serious OCD and agrophobia and anxiety issues.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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Originally Posted by Ladysadie
RB - you sound like your life is something of the teeter-totter with indecision. I have been in your shoes -- with little ones at home, everything invested in the property to where I couldn't make a move unless we sold. I even went to an attorney to get advice on "how to move on".... everyone is different and you do have to weigh the good and bad/ pros and cons for yourself. Just reaching out like you are doing here is good for trying to find your direction.
Here's my advice based on what you report: (1) start saving for your emergency fund. If for no other reason than having a savings is empowering. I'm not talking a joint savings. I'm talking for-you-only savings. (2) be prepared to support yourself. (3) Take classes if you can spare the time. Learn skills like typing, computer programs such as Quickbooks or Excel spreadsheets, any skill that can get you hired. Not sure where you live but many community colleges offer training courses for a nominal fee, and often times offer scholarships to those who can't afford to pay. (4) If your husband is around the house most of the day, gradually leave the younger children with him while you go to a class or two. If he balks at doing this, read up on codependency. I'm assuming he can be trusted with his own children?
It sounds like your family could use more income because of bad business decisions so sharpen up on other marketable skills for your self.
it could be you two work things out but in the event that you can't, you will be on the road to providing a life for yourself and your children. Empowering yourself can be scary at first but it sure beats being dependent on a man that (sounds like anyway, no offense) doesn't take care of himself.
Hopefully he will remain sober and start taking care of himself. Your job is to take care of yourself. Read all you can about alcoholism, codependency and take advantage of the resources you'll find on this website. Prepare yourself for a better life, you deserve it.
Here's my advice based on what you report: (1) start saving for your emergency fund. If for no other reason than having a savings is empowering. I'm not talking a joint savings. I'm talking for-you-only savings. (2) be prepared to support yourself. (3) Take classes if you can spare the time. Learn skills like typing, computer programs such as Quickbooks or Excel spreadsheets, any skill that can get you hired. Not sure where you live but many community colleges offer training courses for a nominal fee, and often times offer scholarships to those who can't afford to pay. (4) If your husband is around the house most of the day, gradually leave the younger children with him while you go to a class or two. If he balks at doing this, read up on codependency. I'm assuming he can be trusted with his own children?
It sounds like your family could use more income because of bad business decisions so sharpen up on other marketable skills for your self.
it could be you two work things out but in the event that you can't, you will be on the road to providing a life for yourself and your children. Empowering yourself can be scary at first but it sure beats being dependent on a man that (sounds like anyway, no offense) doesn't take care of himself.
Hopefully he will remain sober and start taking care of himself. Your job is to take care of yourself. Read all you can about alcoholism, codependency and take advantage of the resources you'll find on this website. Prepare yourself for a better life, you deserve it.
AH was spending over £400 a month on booze - yesterday he announced he was pleased he’d managed 3 week dry... only to follow that up with a comment that “the occasional red wine or gin and tonic wouldn’t be as bad as having lots of cider or beer” 😬
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
Great news! Yes, you start with baby steps. Build on accomplishments, they are worth every the effort.
Most people with bad habits don't really want to look at what they spend. And for what? A big belly? Poor health? Feeling miserable? The money that your husband can spend on booze could very well be spent elsewhere. I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you didn't know. I hope he can stay sober, your family shouldn't have to take second place to his mistress (the alcohol-love).
Hang in there, your investment into learning is a key to going forward.
Most people with bad habits don't really want to look at what they spend. And for what? A big belly? Poor health? Feeling miserable? The money that your husband can spend on booze could very well be spent elsewhere. I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you didn't know. I hope he can stay sober, your family shouldn't have to take second place to his mistress (the alcohol-love).
Hang in there, your investment into learning is a key to going forward.
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