My boyfriend
 

Hi

I hope I am posting this in the correct place and I apologise for the length of this post.

I have a boyfriend who I have been with for 7 years. He is 26 and I am 25 years old.

He in the past had struggled with addiction to alcohol, then around 4 years ago he decided to become sober. Hadn't drank for the whole 4 years. Was doing great mentally and in such a good place that he decided to go and study abroad, which was going to be a struggle as it would be a long distance relationship for a year but I obviously supported his decision.

Fast forward to him being in another country, I started to notice a change in him, he wouldn't communicate with me as much and one time he even went a whole weekend without any form on contact with me which was very unusual for him. I also noticed during our skype calls and a few photo's he sent me that there was bottles of alcohol in his room. He reassured me that he had been given them by people as 'presents' and didn't have the heart to refuse them and he thought they looked 'nice' in his room. We had a long talk about it all and stupidly, I believed him. I really did trust him.

Around 6 months into his time of being there I received a call from his Mom saying that he had taken himself into hospital and that he had become psychotic from drug use. Apologies if I haven't worded that correctly but he had managed to develop psychosis from taking cocaine and mushrooms on a frequent basis.

Now he is back at home but I am struggling. Although he is very apologetic about it all I'm finding it really hard to forgive him for lying to me about it all. All is he does is say how stupid he was and just apologises constantly and to be honest it really annoys me! Like he doesn't own what he did all he does is say how stupid it was.

It's very up and down, one minute I feel fine about it but the next I sort of don't want to be around him or want anything to do with him. I still feel that he hasn't been totally honest with me about it all. I know that this in itself can't be good for him and trying to move forward.

I understand the nature of addiction and I am a very understanding rational person and I understand why he lied. I love this man to death, honestly but I can't help feeling betrayed by him.

Apologies if this doesn't make much sense but has anyone been in a similar situation? is there a way of getting past this?

Thank you to anyone who replies.

Hi Dt122 and welcome, sorry for what has brought you here but so many of us understand your confusion and reluctance to just forgive and forget.

I think your instinct is telling you a lot, like NOT to trust him and when we find it hard NOT to trust someone we love the entire relationship changes forever.

Is he clean/sober today? And if so, how do you really know he is and not lying to you again? If he is clean/sober what kind of a program is he working to help him remain that way?

He hasn't been totally honest about it. Alcoholics and addicts lie. That's what we do. We're masters at half truths, denial, justification and everything else. Take some time away and reevaluate how important honesty is for you. He may or may not be capable of giving you what you need in that regard.

Thank you for being understanding and for making me feel like I'm not alone with these feelings, sometimes I feel like a bit of a monster to be thinking this way about him.

As far as I know he is sober, but obviously I only have his word and he could well be lying to me but I feel I would probably notice if he wasn't sober. He is currently seeing a therapist who specialises in substance abuse.

I just feel I've done a lot for him and he's thrown it all back in my face and treated me like I was stupid, because I feel really stupid.

When he first got sober he gave me an ultimatum basically saying if i want to be with him then I also can't drink. I haven't drank in 4 years. I feel that I've supported him so much and been there through it all with him and he's just completely mugged me off and treated me like a fool. And now it's like well I don't even know who you are.....

Now might be a good time to just take a giant step back. Give him space while taking your own well needed space. He needs to work on his issues and you need to figure out if life with an addict is how you want to continue.
I’d learn as much as I could about addiction and addict behaviors. Sometimes those behaviors don’t go away when the booze and drugs do.
We can only support them so much before we begin to notice we are losing ourselves along the way and getting just as lost in their addiction.
Maybe see if there is an-anon or nar-anon support meeting near you, these meetings are for the loved ones and friends of alcoholics/addicts.

Dt121, I'm so sorry you're going through this with your BF. Life with an addict is hard, but you're in the right place here, you're not alone.

I agree with what atalose said: We can only support them so much before we begin to notice we are losing ourselves along the way and getting just as lost in their addiction.

When does your BF come home from abroad? I would use this time to really take care of yourself and decide what you want from your life. Read all you can about alcoholism and addiction. I personally have gotten a lot of our my local Al Anon group, it's free, anyone can go, pick a meeting and attend.

Thinking of you!

Welcome DT121. I hope we can support you here at Soberrecovery.

Please give Alanon a try. It isn't for everyone but has helped some. It will also help you educate yourself about codependency and alcoholism.

Also the book Codependent No More is a bit of a bible around here. If you are at all a reader you may find it helpful.

Big hug and take care. What you are going through is no joke. Get all the support you can.

Hello Dt121, Welcome!

I'm sorry for all you've been through with your boyfriend. I suppose, if it were me, that I would have to decide whether or not I could truly trust this person again--even if he never touched another drop of alcohol. If not, then I think it would be unfair to you both to continue the relationship.

Please take good care!