He can't figure out why I'm so hurt
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
He can't figure out why I'm so hurt
He keeps saying.....
-He always provided for our family. True.
-He never abused us verbally/physically. True.
-He spent time with us and was involved with the kids and their school and activities.True again.
-He only drank in the evenings and he was a happy drunk (and I might add talkative, over affectionate, loud and annoying!)
-He never went to bars, he stayed home to drink. True.
I told him a sugar daddy could have done what he did...paid the bills, not abused me, taken me out to dinner, went shopping with me. I could do that all myself, I didn't even need him for that.
There's more to marriage than that. He gave me those things, but not the most important things, the things a spouse needs most.
His first love was beer. He says he wasn't as cruel or off the wall as most alcoholocs. He said he understands how I can be so hurt by what he did. But he can't grasp the DEPTH of the emotional toll.
He's sitting in his chair, leaning forward with his head in his hands. I think there was smoke coming out of his ears. I think 3 months sober is just too early for him to get it. No matter how many different ways I've tried to explain the lack of trust issue, the emotional toll, he doesn't get it.
He keeps asking me to explain it to him. I've tried six ways to Sunday and I told him I'm done. That's something for marriage counseling. I've tried explaining it, and if he's not getting it, that's his problem. He has all the information he needs, he can figure it out himself. Or not.
He's still a teenager relationship wise and he genuinely doesn't get it. Frustrating!!!! 😣
-He always provided for our family. True.
-He never abused us verbally/physically. True.
-He spent time with us and was involved with the kids and their school and activities.True again.
-He only drank in the evenings and he was a happy drunk (and I might add talkative, over affectionate, loud and annoying!)
-He never went to bars, he stayed home to drink. True.
I told him a sugar daddy could have done what he did...paid the bills, not abused me, taken me out to dinner, went shopping with me. I could do that all myself, I didn't even need him for that.
There's more to marriage than that. He gave me those things, but not the most important things, the things a spouse needs most.
His first love was beer. He says he wasn't as cruel or off the wall as most alcoholocs. He said he understands how I can be so hurt by what he did. But he can't grasp the DEPTH of the emotional toll.
He's sitting in his chair, leaning forward with his head in his hands. I think there was smoke coming out of his ears. I think 3 months sober is just too early for him to get it. No matter how many different ways I've tried to explain the lack of trust issue, the emotional toll, he doesn't get it.
He keeps asking me to explain it to him. I've tried six ways to Sunday and I told him I'm done. That's something for marriage counseling. I've tried explaining it, and if he's not getting it, that's his problem. He has all the information he needs, he can figure it out himself. Or not.
He's still a teenager relationship wise and he genuinely doesn't get it. Frustrating!!!! 😣
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Most of the alcoholics in my life are currently drinking (with the exception of my sister), so I don't have a lot of experience dealing with them first-hand while in early recovery.
But when I take the time to read through the Newcomers to Recovery forum, I can get an idea of just how scrambled someone's brain and emotions can be during the first 6 months or even 1 year. I think that's why there can be a suggestion of "no major life changes" during the first year of recovery. It's probably kind of like the advice to not operate heavy machinery in the afternoon if you had an out-patient surgical procedure in the morning that required general anesthesia, lol!
Frustrating for you, I know. You are the only one who can decide how much, if any, of the recovery process you can take. I suspect, though, that neither of you will completely understand the experiences of the other. He may never fully grasp what it is like to live with the "absence" of alcoholism, and you will likely never fully grasp what it is like to feel as though alcohol is the only solution to your problems.
Keep coming here and ventilating all you need!
But when I take the time to read through the Newcomers to Recovery forum, I can get an idea of just how scrambled someone's brain and emotions can be during the first 6 months or even 1 year. I think that's why there can be a suggestion of "no major life changes" during the first year of recovery. It's probably kind of like the advice to not operate heavy machinery in the afternoon if you had an out-patient surgical procedure in the morning that required general anesthesia, lol!
Frustrating for you, I know. You are the only one who can decide how much, if any, of the recovery process you can take. I suspect, though, that neither of you will completely understand the experiences of the other. He may never fully grasp what it is like to live with the "absence" of alcoholism, and you will likely never fully grasp what it is like to feel as though alcohol is the only solution to your problems.
Keep coming here and ventilating all you need!
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
What he's struggling with is understanding how him being a "not so bad" alcoholic could give me PTSD.
Originally Posted by Wamama48 
He keeps saying.....
-He always provided for our family. True.
-He never abused us verbally/physically. True.
-He spent time with us and was involved with the kids and their school and activities.True again.
-He only drank in the evenings and he was a happy drunk (and I might add talkative, over affectionate, loud and annoying!)
-He never went to bars, he stayed home to drink. True.
I told him a sugar daddy could have done what he did...paid the bills, not abused me, taken me out to dinner, went shopping with me. I could do that all myself, I didn't even need him for that.
There's more to marriage than that. He gave me those things, but not the most important things, the things a spouse needs most.
His first love was beer. He says he wasn't as cruel or off the wall as most alcoholocs. He said he understands how I can be so hurt by what he did. But he can't grasp the DEPTH of the emotional toll.
He's sitting in his chair, leaning forward with his head in his hands. I think there was smoke coming out of his ears. I think 3 months sober is just too early for him to get it. No matter how many different ways I've tried to explain the lack of trust issue, the emotional toll, he doesn't get it.
He keeps asking me to explain it to him. I've tried six ways to Sunday and I told him I'm done. That's something for marriage counseling. I've tried explaining it, and if he's not getting it, that's his problem. He has all the information he needs, he can figure it out himself. Or not.
He's still a teenager relationship wise and he genuinely doesn't get it. Frustrating!!!! 😣
-He always provided for our family. True.
-He never abused us verbally/physically. True.
-He spent time with us and was involved with the kids and their school and activities.True again.
-He only drank in the evenings and he was a happy drunk (and I might add talkative, over affectionate, loud and annoying!)
-He never went to bars, he stayed home to drink. True.
I told him a sugar daddy could have done what he did...paid the bills, not abused me, taken me out to dinner, went shopping with me. I could do that all myself, I didn't even need him for that.
There's more to marriage than that. He gave me those things, but not the most important things, the things a spouse needs most.
His first love was beer. He says he wasn't as cruel or off the wall as most alcoholocs. He said he understands how I can be so hurt by what he did. But he can't grasp the DEPTH of the emotional toll.
He's sitting in his chair, leaning forward with his head in his hands. I think there was smoke coming out of his ears. I think 3 months sober is just too early for him to get it. No matter how many different ways I've tried to explain the lack of trust issue, the emotional toll, he doesn't get it.
He keeps asking me to explain it to him. I've tried six ways to Sunday and I told him I'm done. That's something for marriage counseling. I've tried explaining it, and if he's not getting it, that's his problem. He has all the information he needs, he can figure it out himself. Or not.
He's still a teenager relationship wise and he genuinely doesn't get it. Frustrating!!!! 😣
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Thanks Seren. We've done a lot of talking and we are starting to understand each other better. I have to simply, slowly spell out to him what I need. Several times. I ask him to repeat it back to me. That seems to work right now. At least he's trying, but I think to myself.....my 7 year old granddaughter knows more about relationships than he does! He's perfectly functional in every other way, but its this area of his life where I can tell he started heavy drinking at age 15. QUOTE=Seren;6837141]Most of the alcoholics in my life are currently drinking (with the exception of my sister), so I don't have a lot of experience dealing with them first-hand while in early recovery.
But when I take the time to read through the Newcomers to Recovery forum, I can get an idea of just how scrambled someone's brain and emotions can be during the first 6 months or even 1 year. I think that's why there can be a suggestion of "no major life changes" during the first year of recovery. It's probably kind of like the advice to not operate heavy machinery in the afternoon if you had an out-patient surgical procedure in the morning that required general anesthesia, lol!
Frustrating for you, I know. You are the only one who can decide how much, if any, of the recovery process you can take. I suspect, though, that neither of you will completely understand the experiences of the other. He may never fully grasp what it is like to live with the "absence" of alcoholism, and you will likely never fully grasp what it is like to feel as though alcohol is the only solution to your problems.
Keep coming here and ventilating all you need![/QUOTE]
But when I take the time to read through the Newcomers to Recovery forum, I can get an idea of just how scrambled someone's brain and emotions can be during the first 6 months or even 1 year. I think that's why there can be a suggestion of "no major life changes" during the first year of recovery. It's probably kind of like the advice to not operate heavy machinery in the afternoon if you had an out-patient surgical procedure in the morning that required general anesthesia, lol!
Frustrating for you, I know. You are the only one who can decide how much, if any, of the recovery process you can take. I suspect, though, that neither of you will completely understand the experiences of the other. He may never fully grasp what it is like to live with the "absence" of alcoholism, and you will likely never fully grasp what it is like to feel as though alcohol is the only solution to your problems.
Keep coming here and ventilating all you need![/QUOTE]
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
He's perfectly functional in every other way, but its this area of his life where I can tell he started heavy drinking at age 15
He will have the emotional maturity of a 15 year old and this will probably never change. Could you be married to a 15 year old? This what you are up against. He doesn't "get it" cos he can't. He probably never will, sorry to say. Cos he not drinking now you are holding out hope he will change but it's not a given. My exah was the same. He still doesn't think he was too bad but we had no emotional connection, he was never a real partner to me and he acted like one of the children, not my husband. I minimised how bad it was by saying well he doesn't do this or that but the end result was the same. We had no husband and wife relationship and he was still selfish, irresponsible and made me feel bad for complaining. I was totally alone.
He will have the emotional maturity of a 15 year old and this will probably never change. Could you be married to a 15 year old? This what you are up against. He doesn't "get it" cos he can't. He probably never will, sorry to say. Cos he not drinking now you are holding out hope he will change but it's not a given. My exah was the same. He still doesn't think he was too bad but we had no emotional connection, he was never a real partner to me and he acted like one of the children, not my husband. I minimised how bad it was by saying well he doesn't do this or that but the end result was the same. We had no husband and wife relationship and he was still selfish, irresponsible and made me feel bad for complaining. I was totally alone.
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Posts: 229
Originally Posted by Wamama48
He keeps saying.....
-He always provided for our family. True.
-He never abused us verbally/physically. True.
-He spent time with us and was involved with the kids and their school and activities.True again.
-He only drank in the evenings and he was a happy drunk (and I might add talkative, over affectionate, loud and annoying!)
-He never went to bars, he stayed home to drink. True.
I told him a sugar daddy could have done what he did...paid the bills, not abused me, taken me out to dinner, went shopping with me. I could do that all myself, I didn't even need him for that.
Heard some of the same stuff. I told him we didn't need a banker and I could have been financially self sufficient if I needed to be. is there a script they read from?
There's more to marriage than that. He gave me those things, but not the most important things, the things a spouse needs most. Understand exactly what you are saying but I guess he did not have a clue what you are talking about
His first love was beer. He says he wasn't as cruel or off the wall as most alcoholocs. He said he understands how I can be so hurt by what he did. But he can't grasp the DEPTH of the emotional toll. Therein lies the problem, and what causes the resentment. Unless you are willing to let it go,get help for yourself and forgive, starting with a new slate, doubt he will ever truly understand. An RA might be able to shed light but their ability to minimise is extraordinary and we must remember most of their life is spend in a sort of comotose so they miss what we are experiencing. They wake up after the tornado has come and gone, and wonder why there is damage. The Big Book talks about this
He's sitting in his chair, leaning forward with his head in his hands. I think there was smoke coming out of his ears. I think 3 months sober is just too early for him to get it. No matter how many different ways I've tried to explain the lack of trust issue, the emotional toll, he doesn't get it. He might get it working the AA programme
He keeps asking me to explain it to him. I've tried six ways to Sunday and I told him I'm done. That's something for marriage counseling. I've tried explaining it, and if he's not getting it, that's his problem. He has all the information he needs, he can figure it out himself. Or not. I went to marriage counselling and all my RAH could say is that it seemed we were picking on him and everything was his fault, without acknowledging the damage.
He's still a teenager relationship wise and he genuinely doesn't get it. Frustrating!!!! 😣
-He always provided for our family. True.
-He never abused us verbally/physically. True.
-He spent time with us and was involved with the kids and their school and activities.True again.
-He only drank in the evenings and he was a happy drunk (and I might add talkative, over affectionate, loud and annoying!)
-He never went to bars, he stayed home to drink. True.
I told him a sugar daddy could have done what he did...paid the bills, not abused me, taken me out to dinner, went shopping with me. I could do that all myself, I didn't even need him for that.
Heard some of the same stuff. I told him we didn't need a banker and I could have been financially self sufficient if I needed to be. is there a script they read from?
There's more to marriage than that. He gave me those things, but not the most important things, the things a spouse needs most. Understand exactly what you are saying but I guess he did not have a clue what you are talking about
His first love was beer. He says he wasn't as cruel or off the wall as most alcoholocs. He said he understands how I can be so hurt by what he did. But he can't grasp the DEPTH of the emotional toll. Therein lies the problem, and what causes the resentment. Unless you are willing to let it go,get help for yourself and forgive, starting with a new slate, doubt he will ever truly understand. An RA might be able to shed light but their ability to minimise is extraordinary and we must remember most of their life is spend in a sort of comotose so they miss what we are experiencing. They wake up after the tornado has come and gone, and wonder why there is damage. The Big Book talks about this
He's sitting in his chair, leaning forward with his head in his hands. I think there was smoke coming out of his ears. I think 3 months sober is just too early for him to get it. No matter how many different ways I've tried to explain the lack of trust issue, the emotional toll, he doesn't get it. He might get it working the AA programme
He keeps asking me to explain it to him. I've tried six ways to Sunday and I told him I'm done. That's something for marriage counseling. I've tried explaining it, and if he's not getting it, that's his problem. He has all the information he needs, he can figure it out himself. Or not. I went to marriage counselling and all my RAH could say is that it seemed we were picking on him and everything was his fault, without acknowledging the damage.
He's still a teenager relationship wise and he genuinely doesn't get it. Frustrating!!!! 😣
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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He is hitting AA hard. Up to six meetings a week plus some kind of book study? No idea exactly what that is, but, works for him. He just got a sponser. He's trying hard, so I'm willing to work on my side. Where is the part you were talking about in the AA book? I'd like to read it.
Originally Posted by Givenup2018
I know, Hugs.
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I suggest backing off until he has a lot more sobriety under his belt. Three months is very early sobriety Let go of expectations, just because he isn't drinking doesn't mean he's not still a very raw alcoholic. No one can get inside someone else's head and heart so it's pointless looking for understanding.
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he doesn't HAVE to understand your point of view....it's YOUR hurt. and he may NEVER understand your point of view......
beating him over the head with how hurt you are isn't "helping"
from the sounds of it , he IS doing about all he can at the moment.
how about you? are you doing all YOU can for your recovery?
remember you put up with/allowed what he gave to the marriage for a long time. now, in his mind, all of the sudden, you are writing revisionist history. now none of it was good enough. now HE is not good enough.
try really hard to DETACH.....stay on your own side of the street, give both of you space.
beating him over the head with how hurt you are isn't "helping"
from the sounds of it , he IS doing about all he can at the moment.
how about you? are you doing all YOU can for your recovery?
remember you put up with/allowed what he gave to the marriage for a long time. now, in his mind, all of the sudden, you are writing revisionist history. now none of it was good enough. now HE is not good enough.
try really hard to DETACH.....stay on your own side of the street, give both of you space.
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I agree. He keeps asking me, I'm not pushing at all, he is. That's why I finally just told him to stop, I'm not explaining it anymore. He's stressing himself out, he will understand it when he's ready. He said he just wants his wife back and wants to understand. I reassured him the best way to do that is work on his sobriety.
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
I suggest backing off until he has a lot more sobriety under his belt. Three months is very early sobriety Let go of expectations, just because he isn't drinking doesn't mean he's not still a very raw alcoholic. No one can get inside someone else's head and heart so it's pointless looking for understanding.
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I just reread my post and I wasn't very clear. HE is the one who keeps asking me, I never mention it. I told him to stop asking me about it, he's stressing himself out. QUOTE=Wamama48;6837128]He keeps saying.....
-He always provided for our family. True.
-He never abused us verbally/physically. True.
-He spent time with us and was involved with the kids and their school and activities.True again.
-He only drank in the evenings and he was a happy drunk (and I might add talkative, over affectionate, loud and annoying!)
-He never went to bars, he stayed home to drink. True.
I told him a sugar daddy could have done what he did...paid the bills, not abused me, taken me out to dinner, went shopping with me. I could do that all myself, I didn't even need him for that.
There's more to marriage than that. He gave me those things, but not the most important things, the things a spouse needs most.
His first love was beer. He says he wasn't as cruel or off the wall as most alcoholocs. He said he understands how I can be so hurt by what he did. But he can't grasp the DEPTH of the emotional toll.
He's sitting in his chair, leaning forward with his head in his hands. I think there was smoke coming out of his ears. I think 3 months sober is just too early for him to get it. No matter how many different ways I've tried to explain the lack of trust issue, the emotional toll, he doesn't get it.
He keeps asking me to explain it to him. I've tried six ways to Sunday and I told him I'm done. That's something for marriage counseling. I've tried explaining it, and if he's not getting it, that's his problem. He has all the information he needs, he can figure it out himself. Or not.
He's still a teenager relationship wise and he genuinely doesn't get it. Frustrating!!!! 😣[/QUOTE]
-He always provided for our family. True.
-He never abused us verbally/physically. True.
-He spent time with us and was involved with the kids and their school and activities.True again.
-He only drank in the evenings and he was a happy drunk (and I might add talkative, over affectionate, loud and annoying!)
-He never went to bars, he stayed home to drink. True.
I told him a sugar daddy could have done what he did...paid the bills, not abused me, taken me out to dinner, went shopping with me. I could do that all myself, I didn't even need him for that.
There's more to marriage than that. He gave me those things, but not the most important things, the things a spouse needs most.
His first love was beer. He says he wasn't as cruel or off the wall as most alcoholocs. He said he understands how I can be so hurt by what he did. But he can't grasp the DEPTH of the emotional toll.
He's sitting in his chair, leaning forward with his head in his hands. I think there was smoke coming out of his ears. I think 3 months sober is just too early for him to get it. No matter how many different ways I've tried to explain the lack of trust issue, the emotional toll, he doesn't get it.
He keeps asking me to explain it to him. I've tried six ways to Sunday and I told him I'm done. That's something for marriage counseling. I've tried explaining it, and if he's not getting it, that's his problem. He has all the information he needs, he can figure it out himself. Or not.
He's still a teenager relationship wise and he genuinely doesn't get it. Frustrating!!!! 😣[/QUOTE]
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Updated at the bottom of the post 😊
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
I suggest backing off until he has a lot more sobriety under his belt. Three months is very early sobriety Let go of expectations, just because he isn't drinking doesn't mean he's not still a very raw alcoholic. No one can get inside someone else's head and heart so it's pointless looking for understanding.
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Marriage counseling sounds like a good way to work through it.
This comment: There's more to marriage than that. He gave me those things, but not the most important things, the things a spouse needs most.
Sorry I don't know your whole history. But do you think he knows what it is you value in a marriage and what you need personally? Often there can be varying ideas, and men often point to the things he mentioned. The practical things, the provider role.
I noticed with my husband. His parents. They did not model the best example of a marriage to him. His dad is a great provider, but he says they were a lot like passing ships in the same house. But each filled their own role and it was enough for them I guess, or they never could really communicate their unhappiness, desire for more. I don't know all the details thankfully. They are now planning to divorce and his dad says he couldn't live that way anymore. Some of their shares have been insightful for me as I think about marriage and how it goes.
This comment: There's more to marriage than that. He gave me those things, but not the most important things, the things a spouse needs most.
Sorry I don't know your whole history. But do you think he knows what it is you value in a marriage and what you need personally? Often there can be varying ideas, and men often point to the things he mentioned. The practical things, the provider role.
I noticed with my husband. His parents. They did not model the best example of a marriage to him. His dad is a great provider, but he says they were a lot like passing ships in the same house. But each filled their own role and it was enough for them I guess, or they never could really communicate their unhappiness, desire for more. I don't know all the details thankfully. They are now planning to divorce and his dad says he couldn't live that way anymore. Some of their shares have been insightful for me as I think about marriage and how it goes.
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He only drank in the evenings and he was a happy drunk (and I might add talkative, over affectionate, loud and annoying!)
-He never went to bars, he stayed home to drink. True.
-He never went to bars, he stayed home to drink. True.
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Nooooo. Before that list of things I wrote "he said to me..." and then he gave me his reasons why he was a "good alcoholic", and that's why he can't understand why I'm so hurt. Good gosh, an alcoholic is horrible no matter where he gets drunk. HE kept asking me to explain my hurt to him, I'm not badgering him about it. This is what I get for posting after only getting 2 hours of sleep last night. I wasn't very clear.
QUOTE=PuzzledHeart;6838045]These are plusses? To have a drunk person at home when I'm present would be as much of a minus to me.[/QUOTE]
QUOTE=PuzzledHeart;6838045]These are plusses? To have a drunk person at home when I'm present would be as much of a minus to me.[/QUOTE]
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That's what I was thinkinf too, he just needs more time before he will understand. I told him don't ask me about it again. I'm done explaining, just concentrate on working his program. QUOTE=Seren;6837144]Maybe in time he could go with you to your counselor and have that person explain it to him...although, again, he is unlikely to be capable of understanding right now.[/QUOTE]
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Nooooo. Before that list of things I wrote "he said to me..." and then he gave me his reasons why he was a "good alcoholic", and that's why he can't understand why I'm so hurt. Good gosh, an alcoholic is horrible no matter where he gets drunk.
He's got a lot to work out in his head.
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