Question to which the answer may be obvious (or not)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Question to which the answer may be obvious (or not)
I would appreciate reminders that I am not doing the wrong thing (or if I am doing the wrong thing, I would appreciate opinions on what would be the right thing). I am often prone to self-doubt and, unfortunately, can still be influenced by ex's ranting. Here we go:
1. We have a court order governing ex's access to Kid, who legally lives with me. It says that ex has to produce a "clean" SoberLink test before, during and after his visits. If he fails a SoberLink test, or if he has an "alcohol-related incident", the access terms revert to eight weeks of supervised access only. (If he completes the eight weeks, he "earns" his way back to unsupervised access).
2. The week before last, ex had "graduated" from supervised to unsupervised. He had unsupervised visits for a week.
3. Last week two things happened:
First, ex was taken to the psychiatric ER by police following an episode in which he was hallucinating and made detailed statements about suicide (expressed intention of cutting his wrists). He was kept for about 18 hours and released.
Second, two days after the first incident, he was again taken to the hospital because of an injury to his head sustained during a seizure. This was the second (known) seizure of the day. At that time the ER staff referred him to a medically supervised public detox facility. He agreed to go, but then changed his mind the next day.
4. Ex acknowledges both incidents and does not dispute that he had hallucinations involving suicide or that he was seizing or that he was referred to detox. His explanation is that these were "complicated medical issues"/the result of a stomach bug that interfered with his medications/an "electrolyte imbalance" in his blood/stress. He says that because he was allowed to leave the psych ER both times, he is not a danger to himself or anyone else. He wants unsupervised visits with Kid. He says I am violating the court order by "denying his access".
5. My position is
a) the past week contained at least one "alcohol related incident", so at the very least we are back to eight weeks of supervised visits only;
b) even if by some chance no alcohol was involved, I can't let a twelve-year-old go with an adult with this kind of recent psychiatric history and no plausible medical explanation, especially once violence is involved.
Question: Is my position reasonable?
(Writing it out, the answer seems obvious - but it's a measure of how much I've been affected by ex's alcoholism and have been conditioned to "be nice" and make everything work out fine for him rather than trust my own observations that I even feel the need to test this out with people on the Internet).
1. We have a court order governing ex's access to Kid, who legally lives with me. It says that ex has to produce a "clean" SoberLink test before, during and after his visits. If he fails a SoberLink test, or if he has an "alcohol-related incident", the access terms revert to eight weeks of supervised access only. (If he completes the eight weeks, he "earns" his way back to unsupervised access).
2. The week before last, ex had "graduated" from supervised to unsupervised. He had unsupervised visits for a week.
3. Last week two things happened:
First, ex was taken to the psychiatric ER by police following an episode in which he was hallucinating and made detailed statements about suicide (expressed intention of cutting his wrists). He was kept for about 18 hours and released.
Second, two days after the first incident, he was again taken to the hospital because of an injury to his head sustained during a seizure. This was the second (known) seizure of the day. At that time the ER staff referred him to a medically supervised public detox facility. He agreed to go, but then changed his mind the next day.
4. Ex acknowledges both incidents and does not dispute that he had hallucinations involving suicide or that he was seizing or that he was referred to detox. His explanation is that these were "complicated medical issues"/the result of a stomach bug that interfered with his medications/an "electrolyte imbalance" in his blood/stress. He says that because he was allowed to leave the psych ER both times, he is not a danger to himself or anyone else. He wants unsupervised visits with Kid. He says I am violating the court order by "denying his access".
5. My position is
a) the past week contained at least one "alcohol related incident", so at the very least we are back to eight weeks of supervised visits only;
b) even if by some chance no alcohol was involved, I can't let a twelve-year-old go with an adult with this kind of recent psychiatric history and no plausible medical explanation, especially once violence is involved.
Question: Is my position reasonable?
(Writing it out, the answer seems obvious - but it's a measure of how much I've been affected by ex's alcoholism and have been conditioned to "be nice" and make everything work out fine for him rather than trust my own observations that I even feel the need to test this out with people on the Internet).
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 367
In a word, YES!
Kid should absolutely not be with her father unsupervised. What if she were present when those things occurred? What if she is present if something else, even worse, occurred?
Your number one priority is protecting her. You are absolutely right to limit access to supervised visits.
Kid should absolutely not be with her father unsupervised. What if she were present when those things occurred? What if she is present if something else, even worse, occurred?
Your number one priority is protecting her. You are absolutely right to limit access to supervised visits.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
obvious for $1000, Alex!!!
sasha, you are wayyyyy past the point of needing to worry about your own motives.......mr. bedazzled has demonstrated clearly that he is OUT OF HIS DAMN MIND. he way since past being a person ANY child should be around. much less be forced to visit and engage with! he is not safe...........
sasha, you are wayyyyy past the point of needing to worry about your own motives.......mr. bedazzled has demonstrated clearly that he is OUT OF HIS DAMN MIND. he way since past being a person ANY child should be around. much less be forced to visit and engage with! he is not safe...........
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
I think you’re being very reasonable. That’s not nothing. And the seizures were probably alcohol related I’m thinking. I’m sure they drug tested him in the hospital. If needed I’m sure your attorney could request records of both that and the psych stuff. For all you know he left AMA (against medical advice) and not because he was fine. No kid needs to witness anything like that. I would want some evidence that he will be fine before you resume unsupervised visits. He doesn’t sound stable if he was suicidal.....
I’m sorry your heaving to deal with this
I’m sorry your heaving to deal with this
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
As a child I witnessed my mother having several mental break downs and she also had a suicide attempt. Though you may not be always able to protect her knowing about her dad's relapses, as a child it messes with your head. You're not old enough to know what to do or how to handle it. She needs a safe environment where adults are handling it consistently and providing her security and knowledge of what to do if he gets unsupervised visits once again.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Sasha.
Two things come to mind:
A. He is really ill.
B. He isn’t t and is trying, again, to avoid accountability, i.e. Soberlink testing.
Either way, you’re absolutely right to protect your child.
What would it be like if he has another episode and she is with him? Pretty scary.
Hugs.
Two things come to mind:
A. He is really ill.
B. He isn’t t and is trying, again, to avoid accountability, i.e. Soberlink testing.
Either way, you’re absolutely right to protect your child.
What would it be like if he has another episode and she is with him? Pretty scary.
Hugs.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Sasha, I never comment on your threads but I have followed your threads and you have always impressed me with how down to earth you are with dealing with your ex's insanity.
Kid is very blessed to have you in her corner.
Kid is very blessed to have you in her corner.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Thanks everyone - you are all right. I especially appreciate the perspectives of people who grew up with mentally ill parents and were exposed to traumatic experience - that's what I'm trying to protect Kid from. I think part of my problem is denial - there's some part of me that doesn't want to acknowledge that the person I was married to for 20+ years, had a child with, and have known since childhood is now batsh*t crazy.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
The thing that occurs to me is that even if the fitting etc was not alcohol related (which I doubt, but hey ho) while he is this poorly it is a big risk for him to have some charge of a child. He needs to be well enough for that risk to be diminished. Why risk putting her through something so scary as watching on as her dad has a seizure while alone with him. At the bottom of it, the visitation isn't really for you or him, it's for your child. Isn't it?
Hope this gets resolved.
BB
Hope this gets resolved.
BB
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