Ladybird579

I would not leave the house if I were you. I did leave the house and my ex trashed it. It was in such a bad state it had to be sold for way less then its value. Once I had left he refused to let me back in to see what it was like and he also ended up with all the equity out of it when it did eventually sell. Oh and he also moved people in after I left too which complicated things further...drinking buddies mainly and he never paid any bills. As I was still on the lease I had to pay half the bills he ran up. He also fraudulently claimed tax credits which meant I didn't get any for 6 months as, until the divorce was through, we were classed as a couple.

A better option would be your ex go and live with his parents ( I know the shock of finding out what he is like might be bad but they need to know anyway) ...or somewhere else but I would consult a lawyer before you do anything. Addicts cannot be trusted to do anything they promise. You could end up at his parents and he never sell the house or it end up in such a bad state it can't sell.

AutumnMama

Well so this morning I went to him and told him that I think if I'm going to move into his mothers house that she needs to know what's going on. That I didn't really feel comfortable moving in there otherwise.

He then said "tell her whatever you want..." but it was pretty obvious that he didn't want me to. He said he didn't understand how my brain worked etc. I told him to stop saying things like that to me. That turned into a big argument where I would give him examples of ways that he called me crazy, blamed it on me, etc. And then he would defend them. I used the quacking suggestion I've seen mentioned here and it helped although I found myself struggilng to respond because I was distracted by the imagery.

Once I took myself out of the situation of the fight I felt it really hard to respond to what he was saying because it didn't make sense to me. That made me feel a little crazy? I don't think I'm crazy but when I'm around him I sure feel that way.

So I was working at home and on the verge of tears, and decided I had to get the f---- out of there if I wanted to accomplish anything. I left and went to his parents house to work. I walked in and asked his mom if I could work at their house today and I just started crying. I couldnt help it. Then she wanted to know what was going on so I finally told her.

I feel awful. I don't think it was my place to tell her but I am THE WORST at keeping secrets and it makes me act so strange around people that I'm trying to keep stuff from. I feel guilty--it wasnt my place. She isn't my mom. I don't know.

She is upset about everything and thinks he's replacing one addiction for another. She is going to go over to our house and talk to him right now. I told her it wouldn't really do much good but she was just like "he's my son--what would you do if you were me?" god I have no idea what I would do. I don't even know what *I* am doing right now.

I'm afraid he is going to go from nice, placating, give you what you want (but get the hell out of my life) husband to some vindictive person. I'm scared I just messed up my short term living situation.

He did mention that he would be willing to move out during our argument. So maybe I just pushed that scenario forward, since it would be much faster for him to move than it would be for me + child.

LostinLB

I know you said he hasn't been drinking for like 8 months, but you found adderall, xanax, sleeping pills and spy cameras - he is not ok. Adderall and Xanax are very addictive and easy to get (like ridiculously easy to get). I would 99% guarantee he is abusing them. My ex didn't need adderall but convinced a dr. he was ADHD and needed it to focus - he was the least adhd person I have met. He would then buy more on craigslist to supplement what he was getting from the dr. He got super paranoid and was buying cameras as well. It was the beginning of a huge downward spiral. He quickly switched from pills to street drugs (meth and heroin) and our whole life became a tornado of chaos. It took quite a while for me to catch on that he was abusing pills in the beginning and by then he was in deep. It was an out of control freight train I couldn't figure out how to get off.
My ex was using pills, not drinking, because it was easier to hide. I could tell something was off, but couldn't quite put my finger on it, and then my denial would take over and I would convince myself I was the one that was being crazy.

I'm saying this because I want to make sure you understand how serious adderall and xanax are to someone who struggles with substance abuse.

From my experience as well him stating that he want 6 months to work on himself is really 6 months for him to indulge his addiction without you all up in his business. I left my ex for 7 months at one point and he destroyed our home, most of our belongings, and was completely out of control. His shady AF addict friends moved into the house once I left - it was just gross. He wasn't trying to work on himself (never claimed he was), I left because the chaos of his addiciton was too much to live with.

I was never married and I did not own the house, but I would definitely check in with an attorney and see what you need to do to protect the house and yourself. I don't think you have to tell his parents before you move out if it is going to cause a bad or unsafe situation for you in the home, but I do absolutely believe you need to tell them when you are in a safe situation. If you move in with them, then sit down and tell them everything about what is going on. Addiction and alcoholism thrive on us all keeping secrets and not talking about what is going on honestly - I believe it also helps keep us in denial.

Good luck with whatever next steps you decide to take. Take care of yourself and your child. That is the most import part.

LostinLB

I just saw your most recent post - telling them is good. You did the right thing - keeping his secrets will destroy you. I used to say the same thing, it's not my place to tell them, etc. He convinced me of that. It was my place to tell them - it was my truth - I was living with a drug addict and it was devastating.

It might make him less amicable at this point, but what's done is done, and you just keep moving forward. Thinking of you during this very difficult time.

dandylion

Here is a l ink to a website that might be of help to you...It is organized by state. It is educational...and, it can give you a way to start organizing your thoughts for when you do talk to a lawyer.....

www.womansdivorce.com

AutumnMama

I just want to thank everyone for responding and showing support. These situations are ones you cant just go rant about to your acquaintances at work and feel better. I am sorry you all had to go through the things you did in order to learn the lessons than you are showing me

Gm0824

Hi Autumn, I am sorry to read your post, but happy you found us. Have faith that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes, when a new member has such a similar story to mine I try not to comment too much because it can be a trigger for me. I just wanted to tell you that I understand. You are not crazy. Hold fast to your truths. You've believed his lies/manipulations for a long time, please read and learn all you can and work on your own recovery from the effects of living with active addictions. Your own healing will take time, being away from it/him will help. Also, I am a strong believer that if you say/do something with the right intentions in mind (i.e. telling his parents) that it happens for a reason and ultimately good will come from it, even if the unknown makes you nervous right now. Keep making the next right decision for yourself and your child, everything will fall into place for you. Hugs

AutumnMama

Well his mom talked to him and he told her he was going to quit the cigarettes and Lexapro. Also said the spy cameras were just for watching our son and I was making a bigger deal of it that it warranted (he didn’t tell me about them when he bought them and told me used them a few times to check to make sure I was in the basement so he could go smoke)

Anyway, she says he is miserable. I’m sure he is. She doesn’t want to get into the middle of it. I totally get it.

How do I stop thinking “maybe I’m over reacting. Maybe I’m making all this up.”?

dandylion

I hope hi s doctor has told him that it can be dangerous to suddenly stop antidepressants.....they should be tapered off....

AutumnMama

Yeah he knows. He tried a couple weeks ago cold turkey and got awful headaches. He is placating her by doing something he already wanted to do hahha.

Clover71

Maybe you should stay in the family home and he can go live with his mom.

Do you have legal separation agreements in your state?

Hawkeye13

Don't leave your home. I think you will regret it and it will make it
way too easy for him to continue using.
You have your equity and future tied up in a home that will be sold soon.
Don't compromise on this--he wants space, let him move.

If he moves, his mother will be there and he may actually quit
because it will be much harder for him to use around her.
You really need to get to a lawyer in case he doesn't stop and
things continue to go South.
Him saying he's quitting is different than actually doing it.

trailmix

He is sneaking pills (prescribed or not) - where did the sleeping pills come from by the way?

He put cameras in your house without telling you.

None of this is even remotely normal. You need some time away to get clarity if nothing else. You are not over-reacting. Who puts cameras in a house without telling their wife/husband?

I'm sure there is a lot more that you haven't mentioned but just that one fact alone is incredibly abnormal.

Hawkeye13

You do need some perspective if you have any doubts that him installing spy cameras secretly in your own home without telling you
is, as previous poster said, incredibly abnormal and a huge invasion
of your privacy.

That crazy stuff

Ladysadie

I smell a rat here. From all you say, your husband is not to be trusted.

Some good advice being given to you here. I hope you consult an attorney before you move out. This is not a good environment for any of you to be in.

AutumnMama

I have a bit of an update:

Husband told me that he had a drinking problem long before I thought he did. Apparently he used to go through two fifths of vodka on some weekends and I wouldn’t notice. He said he had an elaborate system of fans and window openings set up in the bedroom so I couldn’t smell his breath. I feel like such a fool for not knowing! Am I nuts?! Hah. He said there’s more he needs to tell me. I get that it’s a process but that is a little scary.

I found a new therapist and I met her the first time today. I have been going to see his therapist previously but I needed someone for myself that was more of a cheerleader and less of a mediator. She seems to agree with most of your comments here that something isn’t right with him. But the therapist we shared seemed to think he was doing okay so again I ask.... am I nuts?

He just moved out of the house to one of his parents rental properties that’s like... a mile away. It’s slow season so he can stay there for a couple months while they fix the carpet in their house. Still not sure If I want to be the one to move in there, but I will cross that bridge when it gets closer.

There are so many things up in the air with my life right now that I’m having an immense amount of anxiety. I’ve been told it’s normal but it sucks. My thoughts just get so jumbled sometimes and it’s hard to talk myself out of being anxious.

At least he moved out,I guess. At least the train has started going down the tracks instead of being stuck in some neverending limbo.

AutumnMama

Well this week is a disaster in terms of my professional life--juggling watching a (sick) son during his spring break while having a training event for work that I have to do a presentation for (public speaking! ughhhhh!)

But since my husband moved out I feel so much more in control of my thoughts/emotions. Or more equipped to handle them. It's only been a small amount of time, and I'm sure it will be a roller coaster, but I am happy for the moment.

He says he doesn't like staying at the rental house, and it "feels wrong." Not the house itself, but sleeping somewhere else. I am worried he is going to want to move back in sooner. He wants to go to dinner as a family this Saturday--which I am okay with, I guess. He didn't move out so that I could pretend he fell off the face of the earth. We also committed to doing couples counseling but havent made any appointments yet--he wanted to get some 'space' first.

Our 2.5 year old son is probably the most confused. He hasn't seen his dad much in the last two weeks and it's starting to affect him. When my husband came over the other day to see him he said something like "Dada, remember when you were gone? You were gone. Remember when you left?" and I think it broke both of our hearts.


I realize now that I can not live with someone who goes to such lengths to lie and hide things from me--even if it isn't drinking. Even if it's just cigarettes! What's the point of being with someone if you have to do that to them?! I will never understand what makes people do it. Is it a trait of all addicts?

AnvilheadII

take your time Autumn, don't let him set the pace or the timetable. make the best of the space and distance. if he's only gone for a week, well what's the point? i'd say AT LEAST a month.....for you AND for him. not to make him MISS YOU and therefore want to BEHAVE, we aren't training puppies here.....but spouses tend to act as buffers.....by their very presence they fill the rooms and interrupt thought patterns. you deserve some peace......

firebolt

I'm really happy to read this.

Just think of how loud the REAL YOU is going to be in 6 months - without someone invalidating your thoughts and feelings by implying that you are crazy.

More will be revealed about your husband....and yourself. Hugs, peace and strength to you - you deserve it all! <3

Sasha1972

Between the spy cameras that he didn't tell you about (BIG RED FLAG!); and the elaborate system of fans to hide the cigarette smoking; and the tantalizing tidbit that "there's more I need to tell you ..." ... but not actually TELLING you the "more" because "it's a process"; and moving out but not wanting to sleep somewhere else; and committing to couples counselling but not making app'ts ...

... I am forming the opinion that there's more than a little bit wrong with your husband, in the messing-with-your-mind department. The fact that you've asked several times if you're crazy/overreacting suggests that you may be wondering the same thing.

Your intuition is telling you something about this man. Please listen to it.