Boyfriend broke up with me...devastated.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 22
Boyfriend broke up with me...devastated.
Hi, I’m hoping you can share your wisdom with me. I am 51. I’ve been dating an old college friend for the past year and a half. He lives in Colorado and I live in new jersey. We see each other every month and get. along great and talk every day. We never drank because he told me he was an alcoholic and recovering. He saw therapist every week so I thought he was sober. Two weeks after a wonderful week together, he broke up with me, saying he was emotionally unavailable and drinking again. He said his therapist felt he needed to focus on recovery and not a relationship. My boyfriend told me I was his best friend but he could not be fully engaged in the relationship or love me the way I deserve. He said he will be a better man in six months but did not ask me to wait for him. He is 54. He has always been very kind to me. What should I do? Will he ever come back? Can an alcoholic really love someone or have his emotions been stunted by drinking? Thank you.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
I'm so sorry for your hurt and confusion. There are so many factors that play into your questions that it would be impossible for any one here to answer them for you. I know it sucks, but personally, I find it rather amazing (in a good way) that he told you about his relapse; not every one, even if they have some solid recovery under their belt, would do that.
I wish I could offer assurances or additional insights, but I can let you know we're here to support you and to listen.
I wish I could offer assurances or additional insights, but I can let you know we're here to support you and to listen.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
My boyfriend told me I was his best friend but he could not be fully engaged in the relationship or love me the way I deserve.
Believe him. He means it and eventually as you get to understand alcoholism more you will come to realise you have dodged a bullet. I would suggest you read the stickies at the top of the forum to understand what you were up against. He needs to focus on his recovery and has no room for any relationship. He has told you in the nicest possible way to move on as he has given you no indications of any future. I think all you can do is move on. ((hugs))
Believe him. He means it and eventually as you get to understand alcoholism more you will come to realise you have dodged a bullet. I would suggest you read the stickies at the top of the forum to understand what you were up against. He needs to focus on his recovery and has no room for any relationship. He has told you in the nicest possible way to move on as he has given you no indications of any future. I think all you can do is move on. ((hugs))
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,998
Hi Clarksburg and welcome to Soberrecovery. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It must be super painful.
Unfortunately alcoholism is a creepy horrible thing. He may recover or not.
Please take extra good care of yourself and surround yourself with as much support as possible.
Unfortunately alcoholism is a creepy horrible thing. He may recover or not.
Please take extra good care of yourself and surround yourself with as much support as possible.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 25
Clarksburg, I am sorry to hear of your situation, and I empathize. I know it is painful. I agree with poster "the uncertainty" that it is a good thing that your boyfriend told you about his relapse and it sounds like he cares for you and is being very honest about the situation.
I had a similar experience with my former boyfriend. After dating for about nine months and enjoying each other's company very much, he surprised me one night by telling me on the phone that he had started going to AA and needed to take a break from our relationship. It was a shock; even though wine and weed were part of our lovemaking routine, I didn't realize that he drank a lot more when he was alone. We also had a long distance relationship, but still spent quite a bit of time together. Still we lived apart, so there was plenty of opportunity to have a separate (hidden) life.
What I thought was a "break" seems to be a breakup. We haven't spoken in 7 months, and while I wrote and sent cards for about four months, the Christmas card I received from him did not mention "love" or a future, and although it was complimentary, the unspoken message was "move on". I am not telling you this to be discouraging, because your situation and mine are different despite the similarities. Although I am not an alcoholic or pothead, I do occasionally drink wine and I did consume edibles when I was with him. So, I am definitely a "trigger" for the behavior that he must now avoid. Plus, there is the unwritten AA rule of no dating or romantic relationships during the first year of recovery.
But, like you, I have had many questions (hence my moniker), none of which may ever be answered. You may very well be on an emotional rollercoaster for a while. I know I was, although it has gotten better once I decided to refrain from any additional contact with him. Not my choice, really, but it seems to be what he wants/needs and a boundary he has set. Plus, many on this forum advocate "no contact" as a means for the non-alcoholic partner to take care of themselves emotionally.
Both you and I have been fortunate in that our A boyfriends never treated us badly, and both seem to be committed to the path of recovery. So many A's never even get there. I am still holding out some hope for reconnection, but my XAB and I are 15-20 years older than you and your AB, so there are more potential medical issues that could complicate our situation.
I do know personally of recovering alcoholics who have been able to stay sober for long periods of time (even decades), so I don't think your situation is hopeless. Plus, you have known your guy longer (dating back to college), and you never drank together...so your situation is different. The more I have read about alcoholism, the more I understand the necessity for taking a break. It is hard, but I think it would probably be harder on the relationship if you continued to date right now.
The more you read about alcoholism and addiction the better. This forum is a great place to learn more. Relapses can occur even after many years of sobriety (which is scary), and while some of the cognitive impairment can be reversed, their brains have been altered by their drinking. In some ways, understanding this makes one more compassionate and understanding of alcoholic behaviors, but it can also be discouraging if you are contemplating a future with this guy.
I think the question you posed about "Can an alcoholic love someone" is a common one. My boyfriend told me he loved me, but was that the alcohol speaking, or neediness, or loneliness? Who knows, but I like to think that whatever he told me was true at the time, even if upon getting sober, he doesn't know what he feels.
Another thing that may be helpful is to remember that this is not about you. What I mean is, if possible, please don't take the breakup personally. It is hard not to feel rejected, but as my XAB told me, "You were great in the relationship". This is really their issue that they need to address it; it is a life and death issue. Like many of us, you may have some codependent tendencies and this would be an opportune time to take a look at those (if you have any). I thought I had overcome many of mine, but I still managed to attract an alcoholic...so I concluded I clearly have more work to do.
I wish the best for you and your AB. I think one of the reasons he didn't ask you to wait or promise a future is that they have no idea in early recovery if they will be successful, how long it will take, or who they will be down the road. Keep checking in at this forum; there is a lot of wisdom and support here.
I had a similar experience with my former boyfriend. After dating for about nine months and enjoying each other's company very much, he surprised me one night by telling me on the phone that he had started going to AA and needed to take a break from our relationship. It was a shock; even though wine and weed were part of our lovemaking routine, I didn't realize that he drank a lot more when he was alone. We also had a long distance relationship, but still spent quite a bit of time together. Still we lived apart, so there was plenty of opportunity to have a separate (hidden) life.
What I thought was a "break" seems to be a breakup. We haven't spoken in 7 months, and while I wrote and sent cards for about four months, the Christmas card I received from him did not mention "love" or a future, and although it was complimentary, the unspoken message was "move on". I am not telling you this to be discouraging, because your situation and mine are different despite the similarities. Although I am not an alcoholic or pothead, I do occasionally drink wine and I did consume edibles when I was with him. So, I am definitely a "trigger" for the behavior that he must now avoid. Plus, there is the unwritten AA rule of no dating or romantic relationships during the first year of recovery.
But, like you, I have had many questions (hence my moniker), none of which may ever be answered. You may very well be on an emotional rollercoaster for a while. I know I was, although it has gotten better once I decided to refrain from any additional contact with him. Not my choice, really, but it seems to be what he wants/needs and a boundary he has set. Plus, many on this forum advocate "no contact" as a means for the non-alcoholic partner to take care of themselves emotionally.
Both you and I have been fortunate in that our A boyfriends never treated us badly, and both seem to be committed to the path of recovery. So many A's never even get there. I am still holding out some hope for reconnection, but my XAB and I are 15-20 years older than you and your AB, so there are more potential medical issues that could complicate our situation.
I do know personally of recovering alcoholics who have been able to stay sober for long periods of time (even decades), so I don't think your situation is hopeless. Plus, you have known your guy longer (dating back to college), and you never drank together...so your situation is different. The more I have read about alcoholism, the more I understand the necessity for taking a break. It is hard, but I think it would probably be harder on the relationship if you continued to date right now.
The more you read about alcoholism and addiction the better. This forum is a great place to learn more. Relapses can occur even after many years of sobriety (which is scary), and while some of the cognitive impairment can be reversed, their brains have been altered by their drinking. In some ways, understanding this makes one more compassionate and understanding of alcoholic behaviors, but it can also be discouraging if you are contemplating a future with this guy.
I think the question you posed about "Can an alcoholic love someone" is a common one. My boyfriend told me he loved me, but was that the alcohol speaking, or neediness, or loneliness? Who knows, but I like to think that whatever he told me was true at the time, even if upon getting sober, he doesn't know what he feels.
Another thing that may be helpful is to remember that this is not about you. What I mean is, if possible, please don't take the breakup personally. It is hard not to feel rejected, but as my XAB told me, "You were great in the relationship". This is really their issue that they need to address it; it is a life and death issue. Like many of us, you may have some codependent tendencies and this would be an opportune time to take a look at those (if you have any). I thought I had overcome many of mine, but I still managed to attract an alcoholic...so I concluded I clearly have more work to do.
I wish the best for you and your AB. I think one of the reasons he didn't ask you to wait or promise a future is that they have no idea in early recovery if they will be successful, how long it will take, or who they will be down the road. Keep checking in at this forum; there is a lot of wisdom and support here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
Originally Posted by Clarksburg 
Hi, I’m hoping you can share your wisdom with me. I am 51. I’ve been dating an old college friend for the past year and a half. He lives in Colorado and I live in new jersey. We see each other every month and get. along great and talk every day. We never drank because he told me he was an alcoholic and recovering. He saw therapist every week so I thought he was sober. Two weeks after a wonderful week together, he broke up with me, saying he was emotionally unavailable and drinking again. He said his therapist felt he needed to focus on recovery and not a relationship. My boyfriend told me I was his best friend but he could not be fully engaged in the relationship or love me the way I deserve. He said he will be a better man in six months but did not ask me to wait for him. He is 54. He has always been very kind to me. What should I do? Will he ever come back? Can an alcoholic really love someone or have his emotions been stunted by drinking? Thank you.
I think you should take this time for yourself and let him go. You still have a long life ahead of you and should try and find someone without the added issues of addiction. It is painful now but it could be much more painful if you end up in a permanent relationship with him and all that comes with addiction.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Cent MD
Posts: 104
Clarksburg, I see that you stated that he said he would a better man in 6 months.
Is this wishful thinking on his part, or a goal that he has set for himself?
I will probably never know the outcome, but I do know that miracles do happen in recovery.
Colorado 54 may contact you at some point in the future, possibly to confess to you about some of his shortcomings and regrets on his part your relationship.
Please listen and let him be who he is at that point in time.
If is in your nature, and it sounds like it is, be as supportive as you can be.
I would suggest no promises or demands and leave the outcome up to time.
Please remember, time takes time.
Is this wishful thinking on his part, or a goal that he has set for himself?
I will probably never know the outcome, but I do know that miracles do happen in recovery.
Colorado 54 may contact you at some point in the future, possibly to confess to you about some of his shortcomings and regrets on his part your relationship.
Please listen and let him be who he is at that point in time.
If is in your nature, and it sounds like it is, be as supportive as you can be.
I would suggest no promises or demands and leave the outcome up to time.
Please remember, time takes time.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,546
I was widowed a 53, when my alcoholic husband died.
I would not have considered a long distance relationship, if there was zero possibility of us living together in the foreseeable future. I just wouldn't. I can't afford to retire and move, I don't want to find a new job and move. The one fellow who suggested a long distance relationship was (not surprisingly) an alcoholic. He'd only have to modify his drinking when we were together.
(I hear the Church Lady from Saturday Night Live sneering, "Isn't that convenient.")
In my opinion, you have dodged a bullet, but I'm sorry you're hurting. He may have been drinking all along, we may never know. One of my former colleagues dropped by for a visit last fall, making amends to the boss because she'd been drinking and thought it had affected (effected? I never know) her job performance. I'd have never guessed, As far as I knew, she was sponsoring another woman in AA!
This stinks and it hurts and I know it feels crummy right now. Better now than five years down the road when you'd moved in together, or at least before you'd invest any more time.
I did a meet-and-greet with one man, sober 30+ years...I didn't date him a second time. Once around with an alcoholic spouse was enough for me.
I would not have considered a long distance relationship, if there was zero possibility of us living together in the foreseeable future. I just wouldn't. I can't afford to retire and move, I don't want to find a new job and move. The one fellow who suggested a long distance relationship was (not surprisingly) an alcoholic. He'd only have to modify his drinking when we were together.
(I hear the Church Lady from Saturday Night Live sneering, "Isn't that convenient.")
In my opinion, you have dodged a bullet, but I'm sorry you're hurting. He may have been drinking all along, we may never know. One of my former colleagues dropped by for a visit last fall, making amends to the boss because she'd been drinking and thought it had affected (effected? I never know) her job performance. I'd have never guessed, As far as I knew, she was sponsoring another woman in AA!
This stinks and it hurts and I know it feels crummy right now. Better now than five years down the road when you'd moved in together, or at least before you'd invest any more time.
I did a meet-and-greet with one man, sober 30+ years...I didn't date him a second time. Once around with an alcoholic spouse was enough for me.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Clarksburg, glad you found us but sorry for the reason you had to.
I think you are fortunate that you received such honesty from the alcoholic, most loved ones do not.
The hardest part is in accepting, accepting that he was brutally honest with you and you need to believe him. He is not capable of giving you the kind of relationship you want with him and he may never be capable of that. Lets be honest here, the best relationship for someone who is unable to sustain a committed relationship is a long distance one.
Just because he said he’ll be a different man in 6 months doesn’t mean you should count the calendar down waiting on that to happen, because I'm guessing it won't.
A very good predictor of someone’s future is with their past. What has his relationship history been like? Has he ever been married, if so how many times? Has he had long term relationships that were not long distance ones?
Aside from the alcoholism he just might not be emotional available for a committed relationship with anyone.
Maybe now is the time to pull back, limit your contact with him especially if you are finding it very hard to let go. If he’s limited his contact with you, follow that lead and don’t give chase, that would only push him father away.
I think you are fortunate that you received such honesty from the alcoholic, most loved ones do not.
The hardest part is in accepting, accepting that he was brutally honest with you and you need to believe him. He is not capable of giving you the kind of relationship you want with him and he may never be capable of that. Lets be honest here, the best relationship for someone who is unable to sustain a committed relationship is a long distance one.
Just because he said he’ll be a different man in 6 months doesn’t mean you should count the calendar down waiting on that to happen, because I'm guessing it won't.
A very good predictor of someone’s future is with their past. What has his relationship history been like? Has he ever been married, if so how many times? Has he had long term relationships that were not long distance ones?
Aside from the alcoholism he just might not be emotional available for a committed relationship with anyone.
Maybe now is the time to pull back, limit your contact with him especially if you are finding it very hard to let go. If he’s limited his contact with you, follow that lead and don’t give chase, that would only push him father away.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 22
[QUOTE=atalose;6833903]Clarksburg, glad you found us but sorry for the reason you had to.
Thank you so much for your words of support and advice. . He was married for 15 years, divorced for 8. He was sober during marriage but started drinking after his wife left him. He stopped a few months before he met me. He said he was a functioning alcoholic. His wife found out he was drinking again and took the kids away for 10 months. He was seeing an addiction therapist . I spent a lot of time with his children and they adored him. He never raised his voice and did so many activities with them. We exercised, cooked, travelled, laughed a lot...he said I was his best friend. His Relationship history..one three month, one six month, and me for over a year. He said he had trouble getting close in a relationship when we started dating. I thought the therapy would help that. He said he loved me a few times then would kind of take it back. He sent me a beautiful bouquet of roses and card for valentine’s day. I never pressured him for marriage or anything. He said he had limitations and was emotionally unavailable. He seemed great when we talked every day. He planned to start working hard on recovery with the therapist who thought the relationship was too much for him. He was kind and compassionate to me always. We had a lot a chemistry too. I’ve reached out a couple of times and he said he missed me terribly. However, he usually does not respond. I’m not sure if it was the alcohol, the commitment issues or something lacking in me...why he could not love me but acted so lovingly towards me. It’s awful not too know if he will come back. I feel like a discarded piece of trash. I know I should not reach out...I’m working on that...going to a retreat. I miss my best friend. It’s awful.
Thank you so much for your words of support and advice. . He was married for 15 years, divorced for 8. He was sober during marriage but started drinking after his wife left him. He stopped a few months before he met me. He said he was a functioning alcoholic. His wife found out he was drinking again and took the kids away for 10 months. He was seeing an addiction therapist . I spent a lot of time with his children and they adored him. He never raised his voice and did so many activities with them. We exercised, cooked, travelled, laughed a lot...he said I was his best friend. His Relationship history..one three month, one six month, and me for over a year. He said he had trouble getting close in a relationship when we started dating. I thought the therapy would help that. He said he loved me a few times then would kind of take it back. He sent me a beautiful bouquet of roses and card for valentine’s day. I never pressured him for marriage or anything. He said he had limitations and was emotionally unavailable. He seemed great when we talked every day. He planned to start working hard on recovery with the therapist who thought the relationship was too much for him. He was kind and compassionate to me always. We had a lot a chemistry too. I’ve reached out a couple of times and he said he missed me terribly. However, he usually does not respond. I’m not sure if it was the alcohol, the commitment issues or something lacking in me...why he could not love me but acted so lovingly towards me. It’s awful not too know if he will come back. I feel like a discarded piece of trash. I know I should not reach out...I’m working on that...going to a retreat. I miss my best friend. It’s awful.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by velma929
I was widowed a 53, when my alcoholic husband died.
I would not have considered a long distance relationship, if there was zero possibility of us living together in the foreseeable future. I just wouldn't. I can't afford to retire and move, I don't want to find a new job and move. The one fellow who suggested a long distance relationship was (not surprisingly) an alcoholic. He'd only have to modify his drinking when we were together.
(I hear the Church Lady from Saturday Night Live sneering, "Isn't that convenient.")
In my opinion, you have dodged a bullet, but I'm sorry you're hurting. He may have been drinking all along, we may never know. One of my former colleagues dropped by for a visit last fall, making amends to the boss because she'd been drinking and thought it had affected (effected? I never know) her job performance. I'd have never guessed, As far as I knew, she was sponsoring another woman in AA!
This stinks and it hurts and I know it feels crummy right now. Better now than five years down the road when you'd moved in together, or at least before you'd invest any more time.
I did a meet-and-greet with one man, sober 30+ years...I didn't date him a second time. Once around with an alcoholic spouse was enough for me.
I would not have considered a long distance relationship, if there was zero possibility of us living together in the foreseeable future. I just wouldn't. I can't afford to retire and move, I don't want to find a new job and move. The one fellow who suggested a long distance relationship was (not surprisingly) an alcoholic. He'd only have to modify his drinking when we were together.
(I hear the Church Lady from Saturday Night Live sneering, "Isn't that convenient.")
In my opinion, you have dodged a bullet, but I'm sorry you're hurting. He may have been drinking all along, we may never know. One of my former colleagues dropped by for a visit last fall, making amends to the boss because she'd been drinking and thought it had affected (effected? I never know) her job performance. I'd have never guessed, As far as I knew, she was sponsoring another woman in AA!
This stinks and it hurts and I know it feels crummy right now. Better now than five years down the road when you'd moved in together, or at least before you'd invest any more time.
I did a meet-and-greet with one man, sober 30+ years...I didn't date him a second time. Once around with an alcoholic spouse was enough for me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by look4billw
Clarksburg, I see that you stated that he said he would a better man in 6 months.
Is this wishful thinking on his part, or a goal that he has set for himself?
I will probably never know the outcome, but I do know that miracles do happen in recovery.
Colorado 54 may contact you at some point in the future, possibly to confess to you about some of his shortcomings and regrets on his part your relationship.
Please listen and let him be who he is at that point in time.
If is in your nature, and it sounds like it is, be as supportive as you can be.
I would suggest no promises or demands and leave the outcome up to time.
Please remember, time takes time.
Is this wishful thinking on his part, or a goal that he has set for himself?
I will probably never know the outcome, but I do know that miracles do happen in recovery.
Colorado 54 may contact you at some point in the future, possibly to confess to you about some of his shortcomings and regrets on his part your relationship.
Please listen and let him be who he is at that point in time.
If is in your nature, and it sounds like it is, be as supportive as you can be.
I would suggest no promises or demands and leave the outcome up to time.
Please remember, time takes time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by SoManyQuestions
Clarksburg, I am sorry to hear of your situation, and I empathize. I know it is painful. I agree with poster "the uncertainty" that it is a good thing that your boyfriend told you about his relapse and it sounds like he cares for you and is being very honest about the situation.
I had a similar experience with my former boyfriend. After dating for about nine months and enjoying each other's company very much, he surprised me one night by telling me on the phone that he had started going to AA and needed to take a break from our relationship. It was a shock; even though wine and weed were part of our lovemaking routine, I didn't realize that he drank a lot more when he was alone. We also had a long distance relationship, but still spent quite a bit of time together. Still we lived apart, so there was plenty of opportunity to have a separate (hidden) life.
What I thought was a "break" seems to be a breakup. We haven't spoken in 7 months, and while I wrote and sent cards for about four months, the Christmas card I received from him did not mention "love" or a future, and although it was complimentary, the unspoken message was "move on". I am not telling you this to be discouraging, because your situation and mine are different despite the similarities. Although I am not an alcoholic or pothead, I do occasionally drink wine and I did consume edibles when I was with him. So, I am definitely a "trigger" for the behavior that he must now avoid. Plus, there is the unwritten AA rule of no dating or romantic relationships during the first year of recovery.
But, like you, I have had many questions (hence my moniker), none of which may ever be answered. You may very well be on an emotional rollercoaster for a while. I know I was, although it has gotten better once I decided to refrain from any additional contact with him. Not my choice, really, but it seems to be what he wants/needs and a boundary he has set. Plus, many on this forum advocate "no contact" as a means for the non-alcoholic partner to take care of themselves emotionally.
Both you and I have been fortunate in that our A boyfriends never treated us badly, and both seem to be committed to the path of recovery. So many A's never even get there. I am still holding out some hope for reconnection, but my XAB and I are 15-20 years older than you and your AB, so there are more potential medical issues that could complicate our situation.
I do know personally of recovering alcoholics who have been able to stay sober for long periods of time (even decades), so I don't think your situation is hopeless. Plus, you have known your guy longer (dating back to college), and you never drank together...so your situation is different. The more I have read about alcoholism, the more I understand the necessity for taking a break. It is hard, but I think it would probably be harder on the relationship if you continued to date right now.
The more you read about alcoholism and addiction the better. This forum is a great place to learn more. Relapses can occur even after many years of sobriety (which is scary), and while some of the cognitive impairment can be reversed, their brains have been altered by their drinking. In some ways, understanding this makes one more compassionate and understanding of alcoholic behaviors, but it can also be discouraging if you are contemplating a future with this guy.
I think the question you posed about "Can an alcoholic love someone" is a common one. My boyfriend told me he loved me, but was that the alcohol speaking, or neediness, or loneliness? Who knows, but I like to think that whatever he told me was true at the time, even if upon getting sober, he doesn't know what he feels.
Another thing that may be helpful is to remember that this is not about you. What I mean is, if possible, please don't take the breakup personally. It is hard not to feel rejected, but as my XAB told me, "You were great in the relationship". This is really their issue that they need to address it; it is a life and death issue. Like many of us, you may have some codependent tendencies and this would be an opportune time to take a look at those (if you have any). I thought I had overcome many of mine, but I still managed to attract an alcoholic...so I concluded I clearly have more work to do.
I wish the best for you and your AB. I think one of the reasons he didn't ask you to wait or promise a future is that they have no idea in early recovery if they will be successful, how long it will take, or who they will be down the road. Keep checking in at this forum; there is a lot of wisdom and support here.
I had a similar experience with my former boyfriend. After dating for about nine months and enjoying each other's company very much, he surprised me one night by telling me on the phone that he had started going to AA and needed to take a break from our relationship. It was a shock; even though wine and weed were part of our lovemaking routine, I didn't realize that he drank a lot more when he was alone. We also had a long distance relationship, but still spent quite a bit of time together. Still we lived apart, so there was plenty of opportunity to have a separate (hidden) life.
What I thought was a "break" seems to be a breakup. We haven't spoken in 7 months, and while I wrote and sent cards for about four months, the Christmas card I received from him did not mention "love" or a future, and although it was complimentary, the unspoken message was "move on". I am not telling you this to be discouraging, because your situation and mine are different despite the similarities. Although I am not an alcoholic or pothead, I do occasionally drink wine and I did consume edibles when I was with him. So, I am definitely a "trigger" for the behavior that he must now avoid. Plus, there is the unwritten AA rule of no dating or romantic relationships during the first year of recovery.
But, like you, I have had many questions (hence my moniker), none of which may ever be answered. You may very well be on an emotional rollercoaster for a while. I know I was, although it has gotten better once I decided to refrain from any additional contact with him. Not my choice, really, but it seems to be what he wants/needs and a boundary he has set. Plus, many on this forum advocate "no contact" as a means for the non-alcoholic partner to take care of themselves emotionally.
Both you and I have been fortunate in that our A boyfriends never treated us badly, and both seem to be committed to the path of recovery. So many A's never even get there. I am still holding out some hope for reconnection, but my XAB and I are 15-20 years older than you and your AB, so there are more potential medical issues that could complicate our situation.
I do know personally of recovering alcoholics who have been able to stay sober for long periods of time (even decades), so I don't think your situation is hopeless. Plus, you have known your guy longer (dating back to college), and you never drank together...so your situation is different. The more I have read about alcoholism, the more I understand the necessity for taking a break. It is hard, but I think it would probably be harder on the relationship if you continued to date right now.
The more you read about alcoholism and addiction the better. This forum is a great place to learn more. Relapses can occur even after many years of sobriety (which is scary), and while some of the cognitive impairment can be reversed, their brains have been altered by their drinking. In some ways, understanding this makes one more compassionate and understanding of alcoholic behaviors, but it can also be discouraging if you are contemplating a future with this guy.
I think the question you posed about "Can an alcoholic love someone" is a common one. My boyfriend told me he loved me, but was that the alcohol speaking, or neediness, or loneliness? Who knows, but I like to think that whatever he told me was true at the time, even if upon getting sober, he doesn't know what he feels.
Another thing that may be helpful is to remember that this is not about you. What I mean is, if possible, please don't take the breakup personally. It is hard not to feel rejected, but as my XAB told me, "You were great in the relationship". This is really their issue that they need to address it; it is a life and death issue. Like many of us, you may have some codependent tendencies and this would be an opportune time to take a look at those (if you have any). I thought I had overcome many of mine, but I still managed to attract an alcoholic...so I concluded I clearly have more work to do.
I wish the best for you and your AB. I think one of the reasons he didn't ask you to wait or promise a future is that they have no idea in early recovery if they will be successful, how long it will take, or who they will be down the road. Keep checking in at this forum; there is a lot of wisdom and support here.
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Originally Posted by Givenup2018
So sorry you are going through this, it is hard. i have read that the normal advice given to recovering A is that they should not be involved in relationships for a year at least, I guess if they are already married with a family they cannot do that. However, from my own experience whether they are drinking or not they are usually not fully engaged emotionally anyhow, due to neural damage, who they are or whatever. Loving an A is not easy and many can attest to the fact that they have had their fair share of loneliness, having to rely on themselves, not having their needs met, etc being in a relationship with an A.
I think you should take this time for yourself and let him go. You still have a long life ahead of you and should try and find someone without the added issues of addiction. It is painful now but it could be much more painful if you end up in a permanent relationship with him and all that comes with addiction.
I think you should take this time for yourself and let him go. You still have a long life ahead of you and should try and find someone without the added issues of addiction. It is painful now but it could be much more painful if you end up in a permanent relationship with him and all that comes with addiction.
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Originally Posted by Ladybird579
My boyfriend told me I was his best friend but he could not be fully engaged in the relationship or love me the way I deserve.
Believe him. He means it and eventually as you get to understand alcoholism more you will come to realise you have dodged a bullet. I would suggest you read the stickies at the top of the forum to understand what you were up against. He needs to focus on his recovery and has no room for any relationship. He has told you in the nicest possible way to move on as he has given you no indications of any future. I think all you can do is move on. ((hugs))
Believe him. He means it and eventually as you get to understand alcoholism more you will come to realise you have dodged a bullet. I would suggest you read the stickies at the top of the forum to understand what you were up against. He needs to focus on his recovery and has no room for any relationship. He has told you in the nicest possible way to move on as he has given you no indications of any future. I think all you can do is move on. ((hugs))
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Originally Posted by theuncertainty
I'm so sorry for your hurt and confusion. There are so many factors that play into your questions that it would be impossible for any one here to answer them for you. I know it sucks, but personally, I find it rather amazing (in a good way) that he told you about his relapse; not every one, even if they have some solid recovery under their belt, would do that.
I wish I could offer assurances or additional insights, but I can let you know we're here to support you and to listen.
I wish I could offer assurances or additional insights, but I can let you know we're here to support you and to listen.
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Hi Clarksburg and welcome to Soberrecovery. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It must be super painful.
Unfortunately alcoholism is a creepy horrible thing. He may recover or not.
Please take extra good care of yourself and surround yourself with as much support as possible.
Unfortunately alcoholism is a creepy horrible thing. He may recover or not.
Please take extra good care of yourself and surround yourself with as much support as possible.
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Originally Posted by Clarksburg
I will try to let go. Thank you for helping me understand the emotional limitations he may have. I keep thinking it was a lack in me that he could not “fall in love” He acted so lovingly...would say it sometimes and then take it back another time, Like two people.
So sorry you are in this situation and hurting.
Here is the thing, it does seem like he's two people, but he's not, he has an affliction? I guess that's as good of a description as any.
His mind (obviously) doesn't work normally at this point. That's the nature of addiction.
If you think back through times in this relationship, what else stands out? You have described all his good points. Were there times he acted out of character? Did he become withdrawn, seem on edge? Ever snap at you? Drop out of contact for a few days or very minimum contact?
As someone mentioned, he may have been drinking the entire time you have been seeing him. Now, I don't mean to be negative about him but something here doesn't add up. He has been seeing this therapist all along and then suddenly he tells him he shouldn't be in a relationship, when he has been, in theory, in "recovery" for over a year (if i'm understanding this correctly).
So something does not add up and it probably has to do with the drinking don't you think?
I know this is very hard right now but try not to take it personally. It sounds like he really does care about you, but he is obviously in some kind of not-normal place emotionally right now and just can't deal with having someone so close.
If you haven't already you might want to look at the stickies at the top of the forum here, especially the classic reading:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-recovery.html (About Recovery)
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Reply to trailmix
[QUOTE=trailmix;6835390]Hi Clarksburg,
So sorry you are in this situation and hurting.
Here is the thing, it does seem like he's two people, but he's not, he has an affliction? I guess that's as good of a description as any.
His mind (obviously) doesn't work normally at this point. That's the nature of addiction.
If you think back through times in this relationship, what else stands out? You have described all his good points. Were there times he acted out of character? Did he become withdrawn, seem on edge? Ever snap at you? Drop out of contact for a few days or very minimum contact?
As someone mentioned, he may have been drinking the entire time you have been seeing him.
Yes you are so right. He did snap on occasion or disappear when we were apart. He got very defensive about it and broke up with me a few times. Said he could not make me happy. I thought we were through that bad part. The day before he broke up with me he sent me a lovely video, that night I expressed a little frustrations that we had not been able to watch a movie together. I apologized the next day but he did not answer and then broke up. Said he was drinking and not emotionally available. I’ve heard from him a few times but it is very short. Not like the kind person I have known. He said his therapy was going ok and that he missed me, but felt we were not on the same page, he was not fully engaged in the relationship. He sure acted like it most of the time. I feel badly that he felt I needed to be eliminated from his life so he could get better. Thank you for your insight. I never once smelled alcohol or heard slurring.
So sorry you are in this situation and hurting.
Here is the thing, it does seem like he's two people, but he's not, he has an affliction? I guess that's as good of a description as any.
His mind (obviously) doesn't work normally at this point. That's the nature of addiction.
If you think back through times in this relationship, what else stands out? You have described all his good points. Were there times he acted out of character? Did he become withdrawn, seem on edge? Ever snap at you? Drop out of contact for a few days or very minimum contact?
As someone mentioned, he may have been drinking the entire time you have been seeing him.
Yes you are so right. He did snap on occasion or disappear when we were apart. He got very defensive about it and broke up with me a few times. Said he could not make me happy. I thought we were through that bad part. The day before he broke up with me he sent me a lovely video, that night I expressed a little frustrations that we had not been able to watch a movie together. I apologized the next day but he did not answer and then broke up. Said he was drinking and not emotionally available. I’ve heard from him a few times but it is very short. Not like the kind person I have known. He said his therapy was going ok and that he missed me, but felt we were not on the same page, he was not fully engaged in the relationship. He sure acted like it most of the time. I feel badly that he felt I needed to be eliminated from his life so he could get better. Thank you for your insight. I never once smelled alcohol or heard slurring.
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This certainly sounds like someone that was drinking. Alcoholism is complicated, I hope you had a chance to look at the stickies and read around the other forums, like the alcoholism forum.
The reason I hope that is not so that you can "help" him or anything but for YOU, once you get a good idea of how addiction works, it will make you feel better because I can see that his not wanting you in his life is confusing for you.
Now, why do I say that! Well I see that you are in some way blaming yourself, like somehow you must have some shortcoming and therefore he can't be with you. In fact he has been straight with you, he is not emotionally available. While he might enjoy your company immensely, if he is in active addiction what he wants is to drink- then drink some more and tomorrow - well drinking would be good.
Alcoholism is progressive and maybe this is just his alcoholism progressing. Maybe it's unmanageable in terms of a relationship. If he just wants to drink every day having a relationship with you is a barrier and a responsibility he can't handle right now.
When you mention him not being able to be with you so he can get better? Better than what? He's drinking and continues to drink from what i'm understanding.
Of course I am guessing at all this, I don't know the man. but he said:
"he was drinking and not emotionally available." It's great he is working TOWARD recovery with a therapist but a person who is still drinking is not IN recovery.
So as mentioned, please do read around, educate yourself on alcoholism, it just might help.
The reason I hope that is not so that you can "help" him or anything but for YOU, once you get a good idea of how addiction works, it will make you feel better because I can see that his not wanting you in his life is confusing for you.
Now, why do I say that! Well I see that you are in some way blaming yourself, like somehow you must have some shortcoming and therefore he can't be with you. In fact he has been straight with you, he is not emotionally available. While he might enjoy your company immensely, if he is in active addiction what he wants is to drink- then drink some more and tomorrow - well drinking would be good.
Alcoholism is progressive and maybe this is just his alcoholism progressing. Maybe it's unmanageable in terms of a relationship. If he just wants to drink every day having a relationship with you is a barrier and a responsibility he can't handle right now.
When you mention him not being able to be with you so he can get better? Better than what? He's drinking and continues to drink from what i'm understanding.
Of course I am guessing at all this, I don't know the man. but he said:
"he was drinking and not emotionally available." It's great he is working TOWARD recovery with a therapist but a person who is still drinking is not IN recovery.
So as mentioned, please do read around, educate yourself on alcoholism, it just might help.
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