KentuckyChick

Hi. I'm new to the board. Have a s/o who is in his late 60s and has been an alcoholic for decades now. No treatment ever and he's not interested in that.

Had an experience yesterday and not sure where to turn for advice so thought I'd try here.

We just moved to a new city and my s/o had to stop in at a local business and they asked him for his address and he got the city wrong. He kept insisting he lived in a different city and then had the person take out a map and showed him where he lived on the map. Wasn't until the man had gone over the map with him he realized he had made a mistake. Man working there said he was worried about him.

This is a first and wondering if it's a symptom of things to come and if so what? Or is it natural after just moving to a new city? He hasn't been to a doctor in years and there is no way he's going to go.

I have managed to detach from the drinking situation with the help of therapy and more but kind of worried about the medical issues that might crop up now that he is aging.

Thanks for any advice you can offer. I appreciate it.

biminiblue

Could be drinking related - probably doesn't help, regardless.

Just try to keep yourself safe. Maybe he'll go to a doctor, maybe he won't.

I'm sorry you're worried. Have you gotten any help for yourself, like meetings for friends and family of alcoholics? (It's called Al Anon, you can google meetings near you.) Also, churches run recovery meetings if you're interested.

I know it's scary. Welcome to the site, there is a lot of support here.

Bekindalways

Welcome Kentuckychick. I'm glad you found us and hope you find the site useful!

You are asking a good question. We do have a lot of folks around who have watched their alcoholic significant others and family members (we call them Qualifiers as they qualify us to be here) degenerate over time.

If this memory lapse is not alcohol related, other symptoms will probably start showing up sooner rather than later.

You sound like you have educated yourself on detachment and some other techniques for protecting yourself.

Let us know how you get on.

hopeful4

Hello, I am glad you found us!

It is completely normal to watch someone who is an addict move into having serious medical issues, especially once they age. The body can only take so much abuse.

I would say that even if this is not related, that it's a good thing to take a look at caring for addicts as they age, what to expect, and to make plans to protect yourself and your expectations in any way possible.

NotAPeach

Hi! I'm no kind of expert on the alcoholic brain but I wanted to say hi and also tell you that one of the things that can happen if there is some sort of brain issue (and here I am really talking more about what people refer to as dementia) is that when you take an affected person out of their usual surroundings and put them somewhere new, it often brings out the magnitude of the problem. The problem has been there for a while, more than likely, but the person has developed coping skills and mechanisms to allow him or her to function at a higher level than would be expected.

Obviously eventually even that stops working as things progress. I don't know if this is an alcohol thing or a general dementia-related thing or if one caused the other, but it's possible this has been there for a bit of a while and you are going to now start seeing more signs as the stressed, injured brain has all of this new stuff to process that used to be on auto-pilot.

It's likely telling if the stranger said he was worried about your significant other. Strangers are by nature good at seeing "what is" and not "what used to be."

Hope this is helpful. Good luck.

Bernadette

Hi KentuckyChick--
We aren't allowed to give medical advice on the forum but certainly many of us have seen the deterioration of our A's brains (I'm also an RN and have sadly seen the destruction of A's minds and bodies at every stage).

HIs symptoms may or may not be alcohol/liver function related. He already knows no one can make him stop drinking, that's up to him, so there is no harm in seeing a doctor and being honest about how much and for how many years he has been drinking; yes, they will likely tell him he needs to stop drinking but he doesn't have to listen, stopping is his choice.

However, his symptoms could be due to any number of other conditions...a friendly doctor might be able to give him some good information. But, we all know you can't force him to go to the doctor.

In the ER we would call it "altered mental status," or "new onset confusion," and the docs would rule out all the possible causes.

I'm sorry you have to go through this - it's very hard no matter what the cause when our loved ones are seriously ill and refuse to treat themselves better. Please do take good care of yourself and your life!! (((hugs)))
Peace,
B

dandylion

KentuckyChick.....the following link to a website that might help you to beco me aware of what planning you will need to do as he ages....

https://betterhealthwhileaging.net/a...cklist-part-6/

It is good to begin to educate yourself now, as you are likely going to be in the role of caretaking.....whether he sees a doctor or not....if you plan on staying in the relationship.....
It is just as important for you to be planning for your own needs....because caretaking is very strenuous, and, the health of the caretaker almost always takes a dip.....

I, also agree that his symptoms are very concerning whether they are a part of the alcoholic process or other disease process--or, perhaps, a combination of both....

I wish I could say something more uplifting....but, the reality is that he can put his head in the sand...but, I don't think you can afford to, as I am sure that the quality of your own life is important , to you....

MCESaint

Kentucky chick:

As others have mentioned, the only way to know whether it is alcohol related is for him to see a doctor and have a work-up.

But, as you've maybe gleaned, there ARE physical effects/consequences from prolonged alcohol abuse including effects on the brain and, therefore, memory, motor skills, etc. You might want to research Wernicke's encephalopathy and/or Korsakof's Syndrome both highly correlated with alcohol abuse.

The assumption here is that he will choose to stop drinking or not; but let me present a 3rd alternative that's not discussed much on this forum - forced sobriety. By "forced sobriety" I mean, he's in a serious motor vehicle accident or suffers a heart attack and, thus, is hospitalized for those issues. As such, he'll be denied booze and won't be able to buy it and sneak it.

His medical team will then treat for withdrawal symptoms. And - this is also something not discussed much in these forums - withdrawal and detox may trigger a cascade of life threatening issues. It can be way WORSE than just tremors, nausea, vomiting for a few days. At the moment, my AW is in a Critical Care Unit with a host of medical problems as she was medically detoxing. I'm *not* saying she should have remained a drinker - far from it. But be PREPARED that detoxing, even under medical supervision, MIGHT come with it's own severe risks.

And, again, I'm NOT saying her drinking is preferable. What I *am* trying to convey (probably imperfectly) is that of ALL the "scenarios" I'd mentally prepared for (AW's death in an alcohol related motor vehicle accident, DWIs, etc.) - THIS was something that I had never thought of: how even DETOXING can be life threatening.

Alcohol abuse does take its toll on the body. And, alcoholics are sort of like the elderly, they go in to the hospital for a broken hip and, for whatever reasons, that starts a "chain reaction" and they die from a heart attack.

Best of luck and positive vibes to you,

MCESaint

Ladybird579

As others have said you so needs to see a doctor really to find out what is going on. However my exah is also very confused and he is only in his late 40's. It is alcohol related with him as he has been diagnosed with wet brain and other nasties related to how he perceives the world. In his case he got gradually worse over the past 20 years. I used to argue with him constantly cos he say such ridiculous things but now I know he is brain damaged.

If he won't see a doctor you can only decide how you want to live with this...or not. Being a care giver to an alcoholic with cognitive problems will be very hard for you. Made even more so if he won't seek any medical help. You should focus on what you need and if you can or should keep on caring for him....he will get worse.

KentuckyChick

Thank you all so much for your responses and your help. I really appreciate it. There is no way he'll see a doctor and I've given up trying because it just makes him angry and it's pointless.

I think it makes sense that you learn a certain way of coping for certain places and when you change locations all of that information has to be relearned.

I'm not sure what I will do in the future but I definitely wanted to know what to look for so I can stay informed. I've learned how to detach and make my own life but I think I might be entering into a new phase so I really appreciate the help.

thequest

I've seen alcoholic family with huge gaps in memory and yet somethings decades ago are like a fresh memory. I'm also leary of the phrase 'high functioning alcoholic' partly because of what you mentioned they learn to hide their habit and get by. The alcoholics I've seen have an extremely small comfort zone including friends, job, activity locations etc. Along with being enabled by many along the way especially by friends and coworkers. I've seen workplace alcoholics be enabled/ covered for over a decade then as their habits got worse so did a turnover in management who held no allegiances.

Medical professionals need information and evaluation to diagnose but I can't picture the alcohol helping.

Hang in there, Good Luck

Ladysadie

Late 60's, could be just an age thing starting to present itself. Could be exacerbated by alcohol.

At 65 he would be medicare eligible, there is a "welcome to medicare" exam we are all entitled to that sets baseline readings for many things. I got mine last year and it included a short memory test (it wasn't a big deal), eye exam, hearing, heart (with EKG which is painless) and other tests. Dr's think it is crucial to get some base scores set for us as we age. He needs to get set up with a primary care physician who takes medicare as it is sometimes difficult to find a Dr other than going to an emergency room. These self care steps are part of the aging that we who have worked all our lives are entitled to this service. I would insist that he get going on this service and from there other concerns can be addressed.

I had been a heavy drinker for a number of years (mainly after raising my family) I got a fuzzy mind for many of those years, along with other medical problems that ended up (for me) being a thyroid problem. I recently had an adenoma removed and can tell you my mind cleared in hours after the surgery to the point that I feel like a new woman. Amazing the things I can recall without having to write them down. The next thing I tackled was my drinking, have been totally sober for several weeks and am only feeling better than before. It has to be his decision to stop but life does get better in most all ways, health being a huge incentive for me.

Good luck on your ability to detach, hold your boundaries. But I would be insistent on my SO going in for a checkup as it sounds like he's let himself go. Get a baseline review on what his health looks like. He may thank you later, but it sounds like you love him and care about him. Just hold your line on him following through on this as it's very important.

A very dear friend of mine passed away at 64 from an undiagnosed prostate cancer but he'd always said he was too embarrassed to go in and be checked. He had excellent health insurance and was being treated for diabetes. He was my BFF and I am still so angry with him after two years, prostate cancer is HIGHLY treatable. I miss him every single day. I hope in your situation that your man will consider taking the first steps to better health.