Need Advice ... Stay or Go?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 5
Need Advice ... Stay or Go?
My long term boyfriend (31) spent the day in the hospital, his mom and I by his side. This is the second time he has been admitted in less than a year for Alcohol related issues, but this time there were drugs mixed into the cocktail.
I have ALREADY done this with him. I fought and cried and let myself be berated and bruised. I moved out, I sought my own therapy, worked on my boundaries, held them firm when he lost his job for drinking related issues and things seemed to get better after a while. He didn't drink or go out (no money I assume) and our relationship seemed to heal. I was happy again. I decided to pursue my Masters in Social Work (I already work in the field) and we made plans to move out of state for my schooling. IN FOUR MONTHS.
But as the events of today sink in, I know I cannot do this again. I don't want to. I already tried my hardest & the trust is just gone.
But I keep coming back to "what if this time is different?" "Does he deserve another chance?"
We are scheduled to move in Aug 2018. I'm going. But I am not sure that I want him to join me anymore.
Suggestions? Advice? Words of encouragement?
I have ALREADY done this with him. I fought and cried and let myself be berated and bruised. I moved out, I sought my own therapy, worked on my boundaries, held them firm when he lost his job for drinking related issues and things seemed to get better after a while. He didn't drink or go out (no money I assume) and our relationship seemed to heal. I was happy again. I decided to pursue my Masters in Social Work (I already work in the field) and we made plans to move out of state for my schooling. IN FOUR MONTHS.
But as the events of today sink in, I know I cannot do this again. I don't want to. I already tried my hardest & the trust is just gone.
But I keep coming back to "what if this time is different?" "Does he deserve another chance?"
We are scheduled to move in Aug 2018. I'm going. But I am not sure that I want him to join me anymore.
Suggestions? Advice? Words of encouragement?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
mswbound.....what would you advise a client in your exact situation?
As you may already know....in order for hi m to change in life-long kinds of ways....which is from working a diligent program as his number one priority, would take a few years....1-2-3-4-5....(depending on who you talk to).....Yes, I have talked to people who are that far al o ng in their recovery who are still in fear of relapse....
By that time, you could be finished with your Masters, and, be working on your next degree...lol...
Even so, the period of very early recovery is just a BEAR...for both parties. And, it is my particular feeling that the first year is best spent apart, anyway...to give both parties a chance to focus solely on their respective recoveries....
I am concerned about your use of the word "bruised"...I am not sure if you mean emotionally or physically....emotional is enough...but, if you mean physically....well--that adds a whole new layer....
If he "deserves another chance"...what about looking at it this way---he sho uld "earn another chance".....
Also, consider that all relationships are painful when they break up...even ones that are bad for you....and you have to grieve the breaking of the bonds that have formed....
I call it the Short term pain ...for the...Long-term gain......(others might word it as an exercise I n "delayed gratification")......
I am pretty sure that you have read "Co-dependent No More"....but, if you haven't , so far, I highly suggest that you do so...It is an easy read, and I think it is a real eye opener...
As you may already know....in order for hi m to change in life-long kinds of ways....which is from working a diligent program as his number one priority, would take a few years....1-2-3-4-5....(depending on who you talk to).....Yes, I have talked to people who are that far al o ng in their recovery who are still in fear of relapse....
By that time, you could be finished with your Masters, and, be working on your next degree...lol...
Even so, the period of very early recovery is just a BEAR...for both parties. And, it is my particular feeling that the first year is best spent apart, anyway...to give both parties a chance to focus solely on their respective recoveries....
I am concerned about your use of the word "bruised"...I am not sure if you mean emotionally or physically....emotional is enough...but, if you mean physically....well--that adds a whole new layer....
If he "deserves another chance"...what about looking at it this way---he sho uld "earn another chance".....
Also, consider that all relationships are painful when they break up...even ones that are bad for you....and you have to grieve the breaking of the bonds that have formed....
I call it the Short term pain ...for the...Long-term gain......(others might word it as an exercise I n "delayed gratification")......
I am pretty sure that you have read "Co-dependent No More"....but, if you haven't , so far, I highly suggest that you do so...It is an easy read, and I think it is a real eye opener...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Since you aren't moving until August, perhaps you don't have to worry about that just yet.
You have made your plans, you are moving out of state in August for your schooling and I assume you are going to do that regardless.
As Dandylion mentioned, even if your boyfriend decides to wholeheartedly embrace sobriety right now, he has work to do.
It is often said around here, more will be revealed. But again, if you are still of a mind to stick with this relationship perhaps see where you are up to in August and what treatment he seeks, if any and go from there.
You have made your plans, you are moving out of state in August for your schooling and I assume you are going to do that regardless.
As Dandylion mentioned, even if your boyfriend decides to wholeheartedly embrace sobriety right now, he has work to do.
It is often said around here, more will be revealed. But again, if you are still of a mind to stick with this relationship perhaps see where you are up to in August and what treatment he seeks, if any and go from there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 5
You're right. I know exactly what I would tell my clients and you're right again that I KNOW the work will take more than a few months, it might take him a few months to even accept treatment. I think I just needed to hear someone tell me what I already know has to be done.
I've read these threads and forums and props to the people to stay and work it out but I don't want to get caught in the cycle.
I've read these threads and forums and props to the people to stay and work it out but I don't want to get caught in the cycle.
Originally Posted by dandylion 
mswbound.....what would you advise a client in your exact situation?
As you may already know....in order for hi m to change in life-long kinds of ways....which is from working a diligent program as his number one priority, would take a few years....1-2-3-4-5....(depending on who you talk to).....Yes, I have talked to people who are that far al o ng in their recovery who are still in fear of relapse....
By that time, you could be finished with your Masters, and, be working on your next degree...lol...
Even so, the period of very early recovery is just a BEAR...for both parties. And, it is my particular feeling that the first year is best spent apart, anyway...to give both parties a chance to focus solely on their respective recoveries....
I am concerned about your use of the word "bruised"...I am not sure if you mean emotionally or physically....emotional is enough...but, if you mean physically....well--that adds a whole new layer....
If he "deserves another chance"...what about looking at it this way---he sho uld "earn another chance".....
Also, consider that all relationships are painful when they break up...even ones that are bad for you....and you have to grieve the breaking of the bonds that have formed....
I call it the Short term pain ...for the...Long-term gain......(others might word it as an exercise I n "delayed gratification")......
I am pretty sure that you have read "Co-dependent No More"....but, if you haven't , so far, I highly suggest that you do so...It is an easy read, and I think it is a real eye opener...
As you may already know....in order for hi m to change in life-long kinds of ways....which is from working a diligent program as his number one priority, would take a few years....1-2-3-4-5....(depending on who you talk to).....Yes, I have talked to people who are that far al o ng in their recovery who are still in fear of relapse....
By that time, you could be finished with your Masters, and, be working on your next degree...lol...
Even so, the period of very early recovery is just a BEAR...for both parties. And, it is my particular feeling that the first year is best spent apart, anyway...to give both parties a chance to focus solely on their respective recoveries....
I am concerned about your use of the word "bruised"...I am not sure if you mean emotionally or physically....emotional is enough...but, if you mean physically....well--that adds a whole new layer....
If he "deserves another chance"...what about looking at it this way---he sho uld "earn another chance".....
Also, consider that all relationships are painful when they break up...even ones that are bad for you....and you have to grieve the breaking of the bonds that have formed....
I call it the Short term pain ...for the...Long-term gain......(others might word it as an exercise I n "delayed gratification")......
I am pretty sure that you have read "Co-dependent No More"....but, if you haven't , so far, I highly suggest that you do so...It is an easy read, and I think it is a real eye opener...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
As someone who teaches graduate students, and has for decades, I want to encourage you to protect yourself.
Graduate school is demanding and typically there is a low tolerance for "good reasons"
for missing assignments, being late, not being fully prepared, etc.
Dealing with someone in active addiction, or with a good potential of relapse,
might put your academic career at risk.
You will need to focus full time on your studies, and not to worry about him
and his recovery.
Sadly, I have seen several students try to manage a spouse with serious issues
during their study, and it has led in several instances to failure in the program
or poor grades and marginal performance through no fault of their own talent;
rather, that they have had to expend energy on the home front they needed for their degree program.
As an instructor, I have compassion for their situation but I cannot have
different standards of performance for such students as it is simply unfair.
Let him work on his recovery and you go on your own.
If he gets a solid year, perhaps you can revisit him joining you later?
Or, perhaps you may choose to move on and wish him well.
Consider also that he needs to focus on his own early recovery as well,
and not be dealing with you adjusting to the demands of your new grad program and living in a new place all at once.
Seems like a win-win viewed this way. . .
Good luck in your MS--sounds like you already have lots of practical applied knowledge of the field which will be very helpful
mixed with the theory
Graduate school is demanding and typically there is a low tolerance for "good reasons"
for missing assignments, being late, not being fully prepared, etc.
Dealing with someone in active addiction, or with a good potential of relapse,
might put your academic career at risk.
You will need to focus full time on your studies, and not to worry about him
and his recovery.
Sadly, I have seen several students try to manage a spouse with serious issues
during their study, and it has led in several instances to failure in the program
or poor grades and marginal performance through no fault of their own talent;
rather, that they have had to expend energy on the home front they needed for their degree program.
As an instructor, I have compassion for their situation but I cannot have
different standards of performance for such students as it is simply unfair.
Let him work on his recovery and you go on your own.
If he gets a solid year, perhaps you can revisit him joining you later?
Or, perhaps you may choose to move on and wish him well.
Consider also that he needs to focus on his own early recovery as well,
and not be dealing with you adjusting to the demands of your new grad program and living in a new place all at once.
Seems like a win-win viewed this way. . .
Good luck in your MS--sounds like you already have lots of practical applied knowledge of the field which will be very helpful
mixed with the theory
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,980
I left my qualifier to follow a dream: travel and learning a second language. I kept hoping that he would act in a way that would give me hope for the relationship. He didn't.
For years, I had increasingly fantastical dreams of what he could do that would make getting back together possible for us. It was a kind of denial on my part that actually lessened the pain a bit. He did eventually obtain a sobriety that was kick started by 3 years in jail for dealing drugs. Years into his sobriety he told me I had done the right thing.
Keep working on your own recovery with its boundaries and understanding. It may well be every bit as good of an education as your graduate program.
Let us know how things go for you. Big hug this is very difficult stuff.
For years, I had increasingly fantastical dreams of what he could do that would make getting back together possible for us. It was a kind of denial on my part that actually lessened the pain a bit. He did eventually obtain a sobriety that was kick started by 3 years in jail for dealing drugs. Years into his sobriety he told me I had done the right thing.
Keep working on your own recovery with its boundaries and understanding. It may well be every bit as good of an education as your graduate program.
Let us know how things go for you. Big hug this is very difficult stuff.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I can only give my opinion. This is from someone who was with an alcoholic for 20 years, married, divorced, and have children together.
If you are not already married to this person, run. Run quickly. Forming a relationship with an addict will cause you pain and hurt. Forget having a family b/c that pain and hurt on children is a million times worse.
You won't have a relationship. You will be a caretaker to an addict, which is signing up for misery.
This sounds harsh, I say it with kindness because I know it's hurtful. I just look back at my choices and wish I could have seen the future I was in for. I don't regret it because I have AMAZING kids, but that is the only part I don't regret. And to watch what it has done to them is heart breaking.
Focus on you, your recovery, your studies. Find a healthy relationship with a healthy minded person who deserves you.
Again, this is only my opinion, my .02 worth. You have to make decisions for you.
Big hugs.
If you are not already married to this person, run. Run quickly. Forming a relationship with an addict will cause you pain and hurt. Forget having a family b/c that pain and hurt on children is a million times worse.
You won't have a relationship. You will be a caretaker to an addict, which is signing up for misery.
This sounds harsh, I say it with kindness because I know it's hurtful. I just look back at my choices and wish I could have seen the future I was in for. I don't regret it because I have AMAZING kids, but that is the only part I don't regret. And to watch what it has done to them is heart breaking.
Focus on you, your recovery, your studies. Find a healthy relationship with a healthy minded person who deserves you.
Again, this is only my opinion, my .02 worth. You have to make decisions for you.
Big hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 5
An Update & Many Thanks
I am so grateful for all the responses and advice!
I had to drop some clothes and medication off for him this morning as he is staying with his parents. We talked but the distance between us was tangible. I later sent his mom a text letting her know that he needed to stay with them, that coming home with me in a few days wasn't going to be helpful for him OR me.
She just told me that we would all talk about it later and I am hoping his parents don't fight me on this.
Thanks again for the words of wisdom and encouragement
I had to drop some clothes and medication off for him this morning as he is staying with his parents. We talked but the distance between us was tangible. I later sent his mom a text letting her know that he needed to stay with them, that coming home with me in a few days wasn't going to be helpful for him OR me.
She just told me that we would all talk about it later and I am hoping his parents don't fight me on this.
Thanks again for the words of wisdom and encouragement
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Im in no place to try and diagnose your boyfriend. Obviously he has some issues with substances abuse, and needs to figure that out. Often the use of substances can also be part of deeper emotional issues that need addressing. A package deal so to speak.
What you wrote above here: But as the events of today sink in, I know I cannot do this again. I don't want to. I already tried my hardest & the trust is just gone.
This seems to be coming from a place of introspection and honesty with self. I think it should probably be your guiding light.
[But I keep coming back to "what if this time is different?" "Does he deserve another chance?" We are scheduled to move in Aug 2018. I'm going. But I am not sure that I want him to join me anymore
I think it helps to be honest with our feelings and express them to the people in our lives. In a case like this, words and promises wont change things. I think he could only show change through his actions over a period of time. August is a while away... but moving together when there are instable feelings, uncertainty in the relationship - that would create an awfully rocky start.
My husband and I moved a couple of years ago. Things were great at the time. He went into active addiction with drugs and alcohol shortly after. Moving itself is stressful. Change in career, loss of friends, being away from family, and just all the things we take for granted as reliable in our life. This stress was part of what triggered him to use substances. And for me, it was hard because I felt so alone. To make a long story short. He did get better and we moved back home. That whole experience where we moved and everything that happened - It was like I was abducted by aliens, plopped down into a horror story. Im not sure I will ever even visit that state again. lol
But really - you want moving, starting your new degree program to be filled with positivity, happy, right ~ So really give some thought to what you want, and what you need. Taking care of yourself, will help you, and it will help any relationship your in.
What you wrote above here: But as the events of today sink in, I know I cannot do this again. I don't want to. I already tried my hardest & the trust is just gone.
This seems to be coming from a place of introspection and honesty with self. I think it should probably be your guiding light.
[But I keep coming back to "what if this time is different?" "Does he deserve another chance?" We are scheduled to move in Aug 2018. I'm going. But I am not sure that I want him to join me anymore
I think it helps to be honest with our feelings and express them to the people in our lives. In a case like this, words and promises wont change things. I think he could only show change through his actions over a period of time. August is a while away... but moving together when there are instable feelings, uncertainty in the relationship - that would create an awfully rocky start.
My husband and I moved a couple of years ago. Things were great at the time. He went into active addiction with drugs and alcohol shortly after. Moving itself is stressful. Change in career, loss of friends, being away from family, and just all the things we take for granted as reliable in our life. This stress was part of what triggered him to use substances. And for me, it was hard because I felt so alone. To make a long story short. He did get better and we moved back home. That whole experience where we moved and everything that happened - It was like I was abducted by aliens, plopped down into a horror story. Im not sure I will ever even visit that state again. lol
But really - you want moving, starting your new degree program to be filled with positivity, happy, right ~ So really give some thought to what you want, and what you need. Taking care of yourself, will help you, and it will help any relationship your in.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by mswbound
I am so grateful for all the responses and advice!
I had to drop some clothes and medication off for him this morning as he is staying with his parents. We talked but the distance between us was tangible. I later sent his mom a text letting her know that he needed to stay with them, that coming home with me in a few days wasn't going to be helpful for him OR me.
She just told me that we would all talk about it later and I am hoping his parents don't fight me on this.
Thanks again for the words of wisdom and encouragement
I had to drop some clothes and medication off for him this morning as he is staying with his parents. We talked but the distance between us was tangible. I later sent his mom a text letting her know that he needed to stay with them, that coming home with me in a few days wasn't going to be helpful for him OR me.
She just told me that we would all talk about it later and I am hoping his parents don't fight me on this.
Thanks again for the words of wisdom and encouragement
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by mswbound
I later sent his mom a text letting her know that he needed to stay with them, that coming home with me in a few days wasn't going to be helpful for him OR me.
She just told me that we would all talk about it later and I am hoping his parents don't fight me on this.
She just told me that we would all talk about it later and I am hoping his parents don't fight me on this.
His parents have every right in the world to tell him he cannot stay at their house, if that is what they feel.
HOWEVER--they have ZERO RIGHT to tell you that he CAN stay at YOUR house. They do NOT get to pawn him off on YOU to ease their guilt about not taking him in. Perhaps I'm being unnecessarily harsh on them, but this would not be the first time I've read about this type of situation, so it's certainly not out of the realm of possibility that this is exactly what will happen...
Please, please remember--you are NOT his savior or caretaker. It is YOUR one and only life, and you get to make decisions for YOU. He is an adult and is responsible for himself. If he chooses not to accept that responsibility, then he will just have to take whatever comes his way, like it or not.
I used an awful lot of capital letters there, msw, but I feel very strongly about this, and I suspect that you'll need to be on your guard to keep from being reeled back in, by him and/or his parents. Be clear, be firm, and look out for your own rights and your own life. You owe nothing to either him or his parents other than a polite "good luck and good bye."
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 5
Holding Firm
Hello All,
A little update...
I spoke with my partner and he took the news that he was moving out and not moving to Oregon in August with me. He took the news really well, no dramatics, just acceptance.
Today, he has been texting me quite a bit and asking me bout Easter with my family and another event that I have next week. He wants to come to both and wants to know if we are still together, ect.
I didn't have an answer, I don't have an answer.
I ended up tell him that I needed to go to these events alone. That even though I love him and recognize the pain he is also in... I am deeply hurt by his actions and want space to process it and take care of my mental health.
He did not respond (yet) and I am trying to not feel badly about how awful he must feel right now.
He is still at his parents and I am taking most of his essentials over to him tonight. I hate having to be so harsh with him, I can see how sad and upset and full of regret he is, but I also know that once things settle... he will most likely relapse again.
*siiiiiiighhhhh*
A little update...
I spoke with my partner and he took the news that he was moving out and not moving to Oregon in August with me. He took the news really well, no dramatics, just acceptance.
Today, he has been texting me quite a bit and asking me bout Easter with my family and another event that I have next week. He wants to come to both and wants to know if we are still together, ect.
I didn't have an answer, I don't have an answer.
I ended up tell him that I needed to go to these events alone. That even though I love him and recognize the pain he is also in... I am deeply hurt by his actions and want space to process it and take care of my mental health.
He did not respond (yet) and I am trying to not feel badly about how awful he must feel right now.
He is still at his parents and I am taking most of his essentials over to him tonight. I hate having to be so harsh with him, I can see how sad and upset and full of regret he is, but I also know that once things settle... he will most likely relapse again.
*siiiiiiighhhhh*
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
I am trying to not feel badly about how awful he must feel right now.
Don't make my mistake of assuming you know how he feels. He might be elated for all you know. Or indifferent or relieved or any number of emotions. Alcoholics do not respond like normies to situations.
Don't make my mistake of assuming you know how he feels. He might be elated for all you know. Or indifferent or relieved or any number of emotions. Alcoholics do not respond like normies to situations.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
You won't regret this decision. I'm almost 3/4 of the way through my MA program, and there is no way I would have succeeded thus far if I was still babysitting my ex. I have 2 kids who are waaay less work than 1 alcoholic. I think 1 alcoholic=5 toddlers in terms of mess and stress. Not to mention all the idiotic crap he'd be doing on purpose to sabotage my goals.
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