Should I prepare myself?
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: London, United Kingdom
Posts: 49
Should I prepare myself?
I've been on this forum for almost a month. My husband came out of rehab almost 4 weeks ago and I feel I am losing my marriage.
The day after he came out of rehab we had a phone conversation where he said that he doesn't know whether he wants 'any' of it...being our children and marriage to me. A week later he asked me to put my wedding rings back on and he wants to work on our marriage. A few weeks later I overheard a conversation with one of his AA friends where he said that he loved me but doesn't know whether he wants to be in a relationship with me.
You may have seen comments and posts from me since then and I've been in therapy myself. There was supposed to be couples counselling but my husband didn't like the therapist and so that hasn't been started yet. I have been working on my codependency and am not contacting my husband, I will respond when he contacts me.
Lately he has been spending more time at our house. He wants to 'help out' even though I've said I don't want him to help out. I want him to be a part of the family, especially for the girls. With our daughters therapist I agreed we should try Parents 2 Partners and make sure the have a happy memory of their father if/when it comes to a divorce. This means we could do things like a movie night, go to the cinema or the park. Nothing too stressful like swimming which we used to do every single weekend.
I set up a movie afternoon as my husband goes to AA every single evening and while me and the girls were all snuggled up and left space for my husband and asked him to come and sit with us, he refused to come anywhere near and instead sat at the end of the sofa.
Sometimes he seems deep in thought, sometimes lost, upset or unhappy. He knows I will take the girls and go back to Holland if/when we divorce and he has made it known he doesn't like that as he would never see his girls. I have also stated that it is not fair to stay with me in order to keep seeing his children.
In the last 2 weeks I have been thinking about divorce myself and have joined a thread on here about that. I don't want to divorce, not really. I want to try and work things our but my husband is so distant, irritable when it comes to us and is unable to answer any question. He won't tell me how things are in his life or what he is doing (this is his 2nd week back at work) and he says he doesn't have any answers to my questions and is becoming more and more angry about it.
I try really hard not to ask what he wants from me or whether I should wait for him. He tells me if I want to move on with my life I should do so and is then only interested in the financial side of the potential divorce. Last weekend he would look at some dates for a family holiday and today he says he can't look that far ahead and doesn't fancy going anyway (probably because my whole family come as well, we've been camping for over 25 years, to the same camping every year). This was a bit of a blow as I was looking forward doing something as a family in the summer.
We both wanted and had started trying for another child at the end of last year and now I feel that is taken away from me as my husband now of course has no clue. I proposed we spend the day together and start a date night routine and nothing has come from it yet.
I really want to give him all the time he needs but I find it difficult to cope with the fact that he most likely doesn't want to be with me anymore, that I can't have a conversation but can have superficial jokey laughs with him like we used to. I want to have it out with him once and move on, rebuild a life for us and the children and see where it takes us. If it then fails at least we tried after rehab.
On 10 December last year I was in the Netherlands with the children when our eldest turned 5. My husband had to stay in London to work. The morning of our daughters' birthday he phoned me and asked if I was at my parents and I said yes....he then said so am I! The BEST surprise ever he just showed up. He said he wanted to make things better and be a family and be with me. We had an amazing day before he had to go back the day after. This to me was the man I married and now it feels he is all gone. As he did this before he went into rehab in January.
He says everything feels different and becomes depressed when I ask him about his feelings.
I know I shouldn't ask him to answer mine, I knows he needs a lot of time, I know it's early days and still I feel I need answers, that I want to move on with my life, that I don't want this situation to continue for years and I really still desire another child. He knows all this and is very blase with his answers and tells me to move on.
I feel the marriage is now falling apart without there having been any actual trying of mending it.
I realise all my mistakes while I am typing this and still I would love some input.
I have told my husband not to come round anymore until there is some more clarity about what is what or how. I find it too difficult to pretend everything is fine and think I would cope much easier just not seeing him. He wasn't happy with this as he does want to see us.
I feel we are both in limbo but I would rather be prepared for a divorce and act on it rather than sitting here and waiting and him telling me he can't be bothered with me anymore. It already feels as if our whole life together has been a sham.
Thank you for all your insight in my silly and probably stupid thoughts and unhelpful unsupportive behaviour.
The day after he came out of rehab we had a phone conversation where he said that he doesn't know whether he wants 'any' of it...being our children and marriage to me. A week later he asked me to put my wedding rings back on and he wants to work on our marriage. A few weeks later I overheard a conversation with one of his AA friends where he said that he loved me but doesn't know whether he wants to be in a relationship with me.
You may have seen comments and posts from me since then and I've been in therapy myself. There was supposed to be couples counselling but my husband didn't like the therapist and so that hasn't been started yet. I have been working on my codependency and am not contacting my husband, I will respond when he contacts me.
Lately he has been spending more time at our house. He wants to 'help out' even though I've said I don't want him to help out. I want him to be a part of the family, especially for the girls. With our daughters therapist I agreed we should try Parents 2 Partners and make sure the have a happy memory of their father if/when it comes to a divorce. This means we could do things like a movie night, go to the cinema or the park. Nothing too stressful like swimming which we used to do every single weekend.
I set up a movie afternoon as my husband goes to AA every single evening and while me and the girls were all snuggled up and left space for my husband and asked him to come and sit with us, he refused to come anywhere near and instead sat at the end of the sofa.
Sometimes he seems deep in thought, sometimes lost, upset or unhappy. He knows I will take the girls and go back to Holland if/when we divorce and he has made it known he doesn't like that as he would never see his girls. I have also stated that it is not fair to stay with me in order to keep seeing his children.
In the last 2 weeks I have been thinking about divorce myself and have joined a thread on here about that. I don't want to divorce, not really. I want to try and work things our but my husband is so distant, irritable when it comes to us and is unable to answer any question. He won't tell me how things are in his life or what he is doing (this is his 2nd week back at work) and he says he doesn't have any answers to my questions and is becoming more and more angry about it.
I try really hard not to ask what he wants from me or whether I should wait for him. He tells me if I want to move on with my life I should do so and is then only interested in the financial side of the potential divorce. Last weekend he would look at some dates for a family holiday and today he says he can't look that far ahead and doesn't fancy going anyway (probably because my whole family come as well, we've been camping for over 25 years, to the same camping every year). This was a bit of a blow as I was looking forward doing something as a family in the summer.
We both wanted and had started trying for another child at the end of last year and now I feel that is taken away from me as my husband now of course has no clue. I proposed we spend the day together and start a date night routine and nothing has come from it yet.
I really want to give him all the time he needs but I find it difficult to cope with the fact that he most likely doesn't want to be with me anymore, that I can't have a conversation but can have superficial jokey laughs with him like we used to. I want to have it out with him once and move on, rebuild a life for us and the children and see where it takes us. If it then fails at least we tried after rehab.
On 10 December last year I was in the Netherlands with the children when our eldest turned 5. My husband had to stay in London to work. The morning of our daughters' birthday he phoned me and asked if I was at my parents and I said yes....he then said so am I! The BEST surprise ever he just showed up. He said he wanted to make things better and be a family and be with me. We had an amazing day before he had to go back the day after. This to me was the man I married and now it feels he is all gone. As he did this before he went into rehab in January.
He says everything feels different and becomes depressed when I ask him about his feelings.
I know I shouldn't ask him to answer mine, I knows he needs a lot of time, I know it's early days and still I feel I need answers, that I want to move on with my life, that I don't want this situation to continue for years and I really still desire another child. He knows all this and is very blase with his answers and tells me to move on.
I feel the marriage is now falling apart without there having been any actual trying of mending it.
I realise all my mistakes while I am typing this and still I would love some input.
I have told my husband not to come round anymore until there is some more clarity about what is what or how. I find it too difficult to pretend everything is fine and think I would cope much easier just not seeing him. He wasn't happy with this as he does want to see us.
I feel we are both in limbo but I would rather be prepared for a divorce and act on it rather than sitting here and waiting and him telling me he can't be bothered with me anymore. It already feels as if our whole life together has been a sham.
Thank you for all your insight in my silly and probably stupid thoughts and unhelpful unsupportive behaviour.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dutchy.....I think it might help you to read the thread that is currently running..."Alcoholic Brain"......
You did mention, in another thread that he has some brain damage and seizures...?
You do know that so me people can barely function, mentally, after detox,,,,for months....right?......and, they may be confused, emotionally, and not really be able to even identify what they are feeling....etc.....even planning and looking I nto the future may not be possible, for some....this is due, in large part, to the effects of alcohol on the prefrontal lobes of the brain....
I know that he is living at h is mother's...which, I see as a good thing, under the circumstances....It may be another 6months to a year, before you can begin to get an idea of how he is going to level out mentally and emotionally.....
Out side, of regular, scheduled visits with the daughters, I would suggest that you detach as much as possible, right now....and back off on wanting to "nurture" your marriage or relationship. I think that the harder you push and try to make things "better"...the worse it is likely to be.....
I understand that you feel impatient, right now...and want to have solid answers to plan your future around....(that is o nly human)...but, the difficult reality, now, is that those answers are not going to come from him...are they?
Of course, it is totally up to you as to what decisions you actually make.
My suggestion....spend your time working on yourself and making plans to move on, should that be your decision....it will not be wasted effort, in any case. Perhaps, you could look at the immediate future...next weeks or months...as a period of planed marital separation....
do you really have to make any decisions, today or tomorrow...?
lol...In the medical world, this is sometimes called..."watchful waiting".....
But, you shouldn't put yourself on a shelf.......
I am just sharing these thoughts with you, in case they might be of some help...
You did mention, in another thread that he has some brain damage and seizures...?
You do know that so me people can barely function, mentally, after detox,,,,for months....right?......and, they may be confused, emotionally, and not really be able to even identify what they are feeling....etc.....even planning and looking I nto the future may not be possible, for some....this is due, in large part, to the effects of alcohol on the prefrontal lobes of the brain....
I know that he is living at h is mother's...which, I see as a good thing, under the circumstances....It may be another 6months to a year, before you can begin to get an idea of how he is going to level out mentally and emotionally.....
Out side, of regular, scheduled visits with the daughters, I would suggest that you detach as much as possible, right now....and back off on wanting to "nurture" your marriage or relationship. I think that the harder you push and try to make things "better"...the worse it is likely to be.....
I understand that you feel impatient, right now...and want to have solid answers to plan your future around....(that is o nly human)...but, the difficult reality, now, is that those answers are not going to come from him...are they?
Of course, it is totally up to you as to what decisions you actually make.
My suggestion....spend your time working on yourself and making plans to move on, should that be your decision....it will not be wasted effort, in any case. Perhaps, you could look at the immediate future...next weeks or months...as a period of planed marital separation....
do you really have to make any decisions, today or tomorrow...?
lol...In the medical world, this is sometimes called..."watchful waiting".....
But, you shouldn't put yourself on a shelf.......
I am just sharing these thoughts with you, in case they might be of some help...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: London, United Kingdom
Posts: 49
Dandylion thank you so much for this.
Of course I know and knew a of this and still my feelings get confused. I think that is why it's probably better he doesn't come round for a while. Our daughters are so used to him coming and going that they don't even walk him to the door anymore. They just wave bye and continue their activities. I can see it hurts him.
Yes, he had substantial frontall lobe brain damage and I've read the thread of "alcoholic brain". When he first got diagnosed I studied a lot abiut what frobtal lobe brain damage does. He neber wanted to acceot that his lack of decision making, anger management, impulse control and emotional control may stem from that but I think he may now have accepted that fact. Whenever je would drink
Of course I know and knew a of this and still my feelings get confused. I think that is why it's probably better he doesn't come round for a while. Our daughters are so used to him coming and going that they don't even walk him to the door anymore. They just wave bye and continue their activities. I can see it hurts him.
Yes, he had substantial frontall lobe brain damage and I've read the thread of "alcoholic brain". When he first got diagnosed I studied a lot abiut what frobtal lobe brain damage does. He neber wanted to acceot that his lack of decision making, anger management, impulse control and emotional control may stem from that but I think he may now have accepted that fact. Whenever je would drink
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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Posts: 49
48 hours later I would have to phone the ambulance as he would have a grand mal seizure and many small ones and absences in between. He has now accepted that this is due to alcohol which he previously kept denying.
I recovered from anorexia in my early 20s quite quickly. Once I hot bottom I turned it round with therapy and a dietitian and never looked back. I didn't even take me 6 months but every person is different. I didn't do it because I wanted to be thij out to punish myself for having found cancer in my dad and. He is alive a kickin.
I wonder if I should book a summer jokiday for all of us on the csmping anyway, something to look forward to mostly for the children. I know my husband doesn't like going to same camping every year but the girls love it there and with my family there it give us an opportunity to go off together. Something we don't have in England as his parents are not really interested amd rarely see the girls. My husbands parents gotbdivorced when he was 3 amd he had had tobfigure
I recovered from anorexia in my early 20s quite quickly. Once I hot bottom I turned it round with therapy and a dietitian and never looked back. I didn't even take me 6 months but every person is different. I didn't do it because I wanted to be thij out to punish myself for having found cancer in my dad and. He is alive a kickin.
I wonder if I should book a summer jokiday for all of us on the csmping anyway, something to look forward to mostly for the children. I know my husband doesn't like going to same camping every year but the girls love it there and with my family there it give us an opportunity to go off together. Something we don't have in England as his parents are not really interested amd rarely see the girls. My husbands parents gotbdivorced when he was 3 amd he had had tobfigure
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He's had to figure out life pretty much on his own and with the wrong crowds.
I would like to just spend some time with him either on our own or as a family and het to know eacht other a little bit again but I am possibly asking too much.
We always wanted a big family and that is something I cannot let go. People say I should be happy with the children I've got but I am the person that when I plan and start worl on something as big as having children I don't easily put that aside i have a dgree in childcare, children have always been my life and having found someone who wanted the same big family as me was a dream come true! I know my husband really wants the closeness in family that I have with my own parents and sister, something he has never had himself.
I am 36 and yes have 3 wonderful children but don't want the gap between the last baby and these 3 to be too big and the girls are all very close right now. I thinknthis could well be the point on which I decide to move on and possibly trigger a divorce as I cannot let this go.
I habe been a married single mum for while a few years now. I have set uo rukes and boundaries and raised the girls to the little peolle they are and made the important decisions regarding their lives. With my husband at his mums this life on my own with the girls is getting easier and easier. There is a peace in the house, a routine, happiness. And still we all miss the daddy and husband.
I've read a lot about detachment, I just need to do it and I think it would only work for me by not seeing him. I guess it just hurts too much. My friend says when you get angry, you still care. Even though I don't want to care as I need to move on.
I think if it comes to a divorce it's most likely because of my wish for the next baby and the fact I won't be able to wait for my husband if he ever is ready ever again. I don't expect anything from him ( he was quick to say that he won't pay for it) as this is baby is for me and the girls. We were all so excited at the prospect of adding another to the growing family. And the girls keep asking about it.
Deep down I don't want to divorce or use a donor. Deep down I want to rebuild things with my husband amd togethet exlqnd our family but somehow I don't see this happe ing and his in no state of giving me anything.
My biggest fear is that he will walk away because he doesn't want me or the family anymore and it has started to feel like the last 10 years were a dream or a joke and that I have, once again, no say in what happens in my own marriage and that makes me sad but also defiant(hence the moving on and get it over with).
I'm sorry for the many messages, am doing this on my phone and I keep pressing submit reply even though I don't want to.....am done ranting for now.
Again thank you so much for reading and all the advice.
I would like to just spend some time with him either on our own or as a family and het to know eacht other a little bit again but I am possibly asking too much.
We always wanted a big family and that is something I cannot let go. People say I should be happy with the children I've got but I am the person that when I plan and start worl on something as big as having children I don't easily put that aside i have a dgree in childcare, children have always been my life and having found someone who wanted the same big family as me was a dream come true! I know my husband really wants the closeness in family that I have with my own parents and sister, something he has never had himself.
I am 36 and yes have 3 wonderful children but don't want the gap between the last baby and these 3 to be too big and the girls are all very close right now. I thinknthis could well be the point on which I decide to move on and possibly trigger a divorce as I cannot let this go.
I habe been a married single mum for while a few years now. I have set uo rukes and boundaries and raised the girls to the little peolle they are and made the important decisions regarding their lives. With my husband at his mums this life on my own with the girls is getting easier and easier. There is a peace in the house, a routine, happiness. And still we all miss the daddy and husband.
I've read a lot about detachment, I just need to do it and I think it would only work for me by not seeing him. I guess it just hurts too much. My friend says when you get angry, you still care. Even though I don't want to care as I need to move on.
I think if it comes to a divorce it's most likely because of my wish for the next baby and the fact I won't be able to wait for my husband if he ever is ready ever again. I don't expect anything from him ( he was quick to say that he won't pay for it) as this is baby is for me and the girls. We were all so excited at the prospect of adding another to the growing family. And the girls keep asking about it.
Deep down I don't want to divorce or use a donor. Deep down I want to rebuild things with my husband amd togethet exlqnd our family but somehow I don't see this happe ing and his in no state of giving me anything.
My biggest fear is that he will walk away because he doesn't want me or the family anymore and it has started to feel like the last 10 years were a dream or a joke and that I have, once again, no say in what happens in my own marriage and that makes me sad but also defiant(hence the moving on and get it over with).
I'm sorry for the many messages, am doing this on my phone and I keep pressing submit reply even though I don't want to.....am done ranting for now.
Again thank you so much for reading and all the advice.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Hi Dutchy,
I can see from your posts that you are working through all of this.
I can also see that you don't want this marriage to end and that you are trying to salvage it.
This is a tough situation you are in and i'm sure it's very hurtful. I think back in December when he surprised you with that visit and said he wanted to be more involved with family that gave you hope.
He has only been out of rehab for a month I think it is?
I noticed you have stated many times about wanting to have more children and that you have told him that you will take your children and move if he decides to end the marriage. I do wonder if you are trying to use them as a bargaining tool to shock him in to some kind of action, like coming back to be part of the family?
I can see from your posts that you are working through all of this.
I can also see that you don't want this marriage to end and that you are trying to salvage it.
This is a tough situation you are in and i'm sure it's very hurtful. I think back in December when he surprised you with that visit and said he wanted to be more involved with family that gave you hope.
He has only been out of rehab for a month I think it is?
I noticed you have stated many times about wanting to have more children and that you have told him that you will take your children and move if he decides to end the marriage. I do wonder if you are trying to use them as a bargaining tool to shock him in to some kind of action, like coming back to be part of the family?
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: London, United Kingdom
Posts: 49
Hi Trailmix,
This is something I've been discussing with my therapist. Whether I am using the Netherlands as a bargaining tool. I think it may have started out as that, even when he was an active alcoholic but now I don't think it is. She suggested working as Parents2Partners but I wonder if my husband took that on board when I explained it.
I am in the UK for my husband because he is British and works here (I came here as an Au Pair initially for 1 year until I met my husband). Now if this marriage doesn't work, I have no desire to stay in this country, more complicated due to Brexit and the Dutch not being allowed dual nationality. Also I have my family I can count on 24/7 for anything at any time. The girls love my family and have an amazing relationship with them. I have amazing friends here but I don't want to ask for help all the time or at the weekends. With family that is different and if it comes to it I would rather the girls are close to family, it'll help me and the children heal en rebuild our lives.
Yes, he has been out of rehab for a month. When I suggested yesterday he stop come over for a while, he said if that's what you want. No emotion, nothing else.
This is something I've been discussing with my therapist. Whether I am using the Netherlands as a bargaining tool. I think it may have started out as that, even when he was an active alcoholic but now I don't think it is. She suggested working as Parents2Partners but I wonder if my husband took that on board when I explained it.
I am in the UK for my husband because he is British and works here (I came here as an Au Pair initially for 1 year until I met my husband). Now if this marriage doesn't work, I have no desire to stay in this country, more complicated due to Brexit and the Dutch not being allowed dual nationality. Also I have my family I can count on 24/7 for anything at any time. The girls love my family and have an amazing relationship with them. I have amazing friends here but I don't want to ask for help all the time or at the weekends. With family that is different and if it comes to it I would rather the girls are close to family, it'll help me and the children heal en rebuild our lives.
Yes, he has been out of rehab for a month. When I suggested yesterday he stop come over for a while, he said if that's what you want. No emotion, nothing else.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
You and I are in the same situation. My RAH is 2 months sober. It really hurts that they can't give anything to us right now. We put up with their crap for all their drinking years, became single parents, ran the house, put out their fires so we had a house to live in and are left angry, hurt and resentful. And they get the say over whether or not they want to stay married, or do adulting. We get the fallout.
It's a huge bunch of selfish bull. But, it's where they are at right now, fair or not. And by the way, its beyond not fair! My RA sits in his chair, watching tv, or staring into space, says he doesn't know what to think, how to stop the thoughts, what to do, what he should be doing, how to deal with the emotions, and tears up over nothing. He's confused. Almost anything I ask him right now is answered with "I don't know."
Remember pregnancy hormones making you cry over nothing, be flaming angry over a piece of trash on the floor by the trashcan, irritable over tiny things? I imagine your RA probably feels the same way right now, but add in confusion, feeling out of control, just not knowing what to do.
Its hard to have any iota of compassion for them. They did it to themselves, they messed everything up. We never asked for it, we don't want it!
Is it possible to go for an extended visit to your family? Let things cool off, give him time, get the support and help that you need? It doesn't have to be written in stone right now. Maybe give it 3-6 months? I know the deep, urgent desire for another baby. We have six kids. But it could just be the break you both need to think and breathe before making a final decision. Just an idea. 😍
It's a huge bunch of selfish bull. But, it's where they are at right now, fair or not. And by the way, its beyond not fair! My RA sits in his chair, watching tv, or staring into space, says he doesn't know what to think, how to stop the thoughts, what to do, what he should be doing, how to deal with the emotions, and tears up over nothing. He's confused. Almost anything I ask him right now is answered with "I don't know."
Remember pregnancy hormones making you cry over nothing, be flaming angry over a piece of trash on the floor by the trashcan, irritable over tiny things? I imagine your RA probably feels the same way right now, but add in confusion, feeling out of control, just not knowing what to do.
Its hard to have any iota of compassion for them. They did it to themselves, they messed everything up. We never asked for it, we don't want it!
Is it possible to go for an extended visit to your family? Let things cool off, give him time, get the support and help that you need? It doesn't have to be written in stone right now. Maybe give it 3-6 months? I know the deep, urgent desire for another baby. We have six kids. But it could just be the break you both need to think and breathe before making a final decision. Just an idea. 😍
Originally Posted by Dutchy36 
Hi Trailmix,
This is something I've been discussing with my therapist. Whether I am using the Netherlands as a bargaining tool. I think it may have started out as that, even when he was an active alcoholic but now I don't think it is. She suggested working as Parents2Partners but I wonder if my husband took that on board when I explained it.
I am in the UK for my husband because he is British and works here (I came here as an Au Pair initially for 1 year until I met my husband). Now if this marriage doesn't work, I have no desire to stay in this country, more complicated due to Brexit and the Dutch not being allowed dual nationality. Also I have my family I can count on 24/7 for anything at any time. The girls love my family and have an amazing relationship with them. I have amazing friends here but I don't want to ask for help all the time or at the weekends. With family that is different and if it comes to it I would rather the girls are close to family, it'll help me and the children heal en rebuild our lives.
Yes, he has been out of rehab for a month. When I suggested yesterday he stop come over for a while, he said if that's what you want. No emotion, nothing else.
This is something I've been discussing with my therapist. Whether I am using the Netherlands as a bargaining tool. I think it may have started out as that, even when he was an active alcoholic but now I don't think it is. She suggested working as Parents2Partners but I wonder if my husband took that on board when I explained it.
I am in the UK for my husband because he is British and works here (I came here as an Au Pair initially for 1 year until I met my husband). Now if this marriage doesn't work, I have no desire to stay in this country, more complicated due to Brexit and the Dutch not being allowed dual nationality. Also I have my family I can count on 24/7 for anything at any time. The girls love my family and have an amazing relationship with them. I have amazing friends here but I don't want to ask for help all the time or at the weekends. With family that is different and if it comes to it I would rather the girls are close to family, it'll help me and the children heal en rebuild our lives.
Yes, he has been out of rehab for a month. When I suggested yesterday he stop come over for a while, he said if that's what you want. No emotion, nothing else.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
Dutchy, it is far too soon to be forcing decisions which will have a major impact on your lives
1. what RAH wants to do in the marriage, (he probably doesn't even know wha the wants tommorrow never mind the long term future, I think you have to back off a little
2. You desire for more children, I think it is unfair to bring another child into an unstable home and to push your way through on this seems unreasonable considering your household circumstances. What is your husband a sperm doner?
3. Your focus on the type of holiday you want with your Dutch family.
4. Work on yourself first, it is good that you are going to counselling and providing a stable home for your kids. Maybe consider going back to work, etc
4. Get your ducks in a row for potential divorce, work on detaching from your RAH, he needs to have time to focus on staying sober at least for the first year and not have to grapple with the demands of a troubled marriage. It is great you have a supportive family, rely on them and back off your H. He cannot give you the answers you want so badly, he needs lots of time.
5. You have to do what is right for you, keep him out of the equation. What do you really want? Are you prepared to wait for him to be sober long enough, are you prepared to take the risk he will relapse?
1. what RAH wants to do in the marriage, (he probably doesn't even know wha the wants tommorrow never mind the long term future, I think you have to back off a little
2. You desire for more children, I think it is unfair to bring another child into an unstable home and to push your way through on this seems unreasonable considering your household circumstances. What is your husband a sperm doner?
3. Your focus on the type of holiday you want with your Dutch family.
4. Work on yourself first, it is good that you are going to counselling and providing a stable home for your kids. Maybe consider going back to work, etc
4. Get your ducks in a row for potential divorce, work on detaching from your RAH, he needs to have time to focus on staying sober at least for the first year and not have to grapple with the demands of a troubled marriage. It is great you have a supportive family, rely on them and back off your H. He cannot give you the answers you want so badly, he needs lots of time.
5. You have to do what is right for you, keep him out of the equation. What do you really want? Are you prepared to wait for him to be sober long enough, are you prepared to take the risk he will relapse?
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Originally Posted by Wamama48
You and I are in the same situation. My RAH is 2 months sober. It really hurts that they can't give anything to us right now. We put up with their crap for all their drinking years, became single parents, ran the house, put out their fires so we had a house to live in and are left angry, hurt and resentful. And they get the say over whether or not they want to stay married, or do adulting. We get the fallout.
It's a huge bunch of selfish bull. But, it's where they are at right now, fair or not. And by the way, its beyond not fair! My RA sits in his chair, watching tv, or staring into space, says he doesn't know what to think, how to stop the thoughts, what to do, what he should be doing, how to deal with the emotions, and tears up over nothing. He's confused. Almost anything I ask him right now is answered with "I don't know."
Remember pregnancy hormones making you cry over nothing, be flaming angry over a piece of trash on the floor by the trashcan, irritable over tiny things? I imagine your RA probably feels the same way right now, but add in confusion, feeling out of control, just not knowing what to do.
Its hard to have any iota of compassion for them. They did it to themselves, they messed everything up. We never asked for it, we don't want it!
Is it possible to go for an extended visit to your family? Let things cool off, give him time, get the support and help that you need? It doesn't have to be written in stone right now. Maybe give it 3-6 months? I know the deep, urgent desire for another baby. We have six kids. But it could just be the break you both need to think and breathe before making a final decision. Just an idea. 😍
It's a huge bunch of selfish bull. But, it's where they are at right now, fair or not. And by the way, its beyond not fair! My RA sits in his chair, watching tv, or staring into space, says he doesn't know what to think, how to stop the thoughts, what to do, what he should be doing, how to deal with the emotions, and tears up over nothing. He's confused. Almost anything I ask him right now is answered with "I don't know."
Remember pregnancy hormones making you cry over nothing, be flaming angry over a piece of trash on the floor by the trashcan, irritable over tiny things? I imagine your RA probably feels the same way right now, but add in confusion, feeling out of control, just not knowing what to do.
Its hard to have any iota of compassion for them. They did it to themselves, they messed everything up. We never asked for it, we don't want it!
Is it possible to go for an extended visit to your family? Let things cool off, give him time, get the support and help that you need? It doesn't have to be written in stone right now. Maybe give it 3-6 months? I know the deep, urgent desire for another baby. We have six kids. But it could just be the break you both need to think and breathe before making a final decision. Just an idea. 😍
He was working from our home yesterday as I now have 3 children with chickenpox (I have to say they are coping quite well) and he was joking around with colleagues and laughing as he would before rehab. Our jokey fun conversations also bring out the husband I had fun with so some parts are still there. And I enjoy those moments.
He is still looking for a sponsor, AA is everything besides work but I wonder if he should have individual therapy as well ?
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Originally Posted by Givenup2018
Dutchy, it is far too soon to be forcing decisions which will have a major impact on your lives
1. what RAH wants to do in the marriage, (he probably doesn't even know wha the wants tommorrow never mind the long term future, I think you have to back off a little
2. You desire for more children, I think it is unfair to bring another child into an unstable home and to push your way through on this seems unreasonable considering your household circumstances. What is your husband a sperm doner?
3. Your focus on the type of holiday you want with your Dutch family.
4. Work on yourself first, it is good that you are going to counselling and providing a stable home for your kids. Maybe consider going back to work, etc
4. Get your ducks in a row for potential divorce, work on detaching from your RAH, he needs to have time to focus on staying sober at least for the first year and not have to grapple with the demands of a troubled marriage. It is great you have a supportive family, rely on them and back off your H. He cannot give you the answers you want so badly, he needs lots of time.
5. You have to do what is right for you, keep him out of the equation. What do you really want? Are you prepared to wait for him to be sober long enough, are you prepared to take the risk he will relapse?
1. what RAH wants to do in the marriage, (he probably doesn't even know wha the wants tommorrow never mind the long term future, I think you have to back off a little
2. You desire for more children, I think it is unfair to bring another child into an unstable home and to push your way through on this seems unreasonable considering your household circumstances. What is your husband a sperm doner?
3. Your focus on the type of holiday you want with your Dutch family.
4. Work on yourself first, it is good that you are going to counselling and providing a stable home for your kids. Maybe consider going back to work, etc
4. Get your ducks in a row for potential divorce, work on detaching from your RAH, he needs to have time to focus on staying sober at least for the first year and not have to grapple with the demands of a troubled marriage. It is great you have a supportive family, rely on them and back off your H. He cannot give you the answers you want so badly, he needs lots of time.
5. You have to do what is right for you, keep him out of the equation. What do you really want? Are you prepared to wait for him to be sober long enough, are you prepared to take the risk he will relapse?
No he is not going to be my sperm donor!
At the moment I enjoy being with my girls, there is nowhere else I would rather be. I've worked until 1 year ago when we both decided it was better for me to be with girls then send them (and pay lots of money) to a nursery and even though my eldest started school last month, I'd like to be there for her and listen to her stories. This is something I had when I grew up and my husband didn't and it's something we both want for our children which is why I stopped working for the foreseeable future. If I go back to Holland or the marriage fails I will of course find a job.
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My marriage was not as long as some of the people here and I did not have kids (I now thank my higher power for it). I left my husband and my dog after innumerable conversations about how his drinking was destroying our marriage. He was always condescending and wanted me to be around him all the time when he was home to give him attention and meet his needs. Of course over time my needs took a back seat and I almost agreed to give up my career - he wasn't supportive of me growing in my career so what was the need anyway right? I was fighting an uphill battle. Doomed if I did , doomed if I did not. He provided well for himself and for me when I conveniently fit in. Grandiosity was his motto.
Anyway, at some point I realized that with or without alcohol, there was only so much effort he was willing to put into our marriage. I don't know how long he has been drinking for . It did not hit me for yearsss that he was an alcoholic (yup even when I saw him passed out or hallucinating - I believed him when he told me he was tired so he was sleeping or he was tired so he was talking in his sleep ) ummm. I believed it all, when I left , it still hadn't dawned on me that the only thing I could do was take care of myself. I had taken care of him for 5 years. Been there for every need of his. But it was never reciprocated except when convenient. So my question is - irrespective of what he is doing or not doing - what are you doing for yourself today? My al anon sponsor always asks me that question to get me back on track . I grieve my illusion of my marriage. A lot. But at the end of the day, I don't know what the reality of that marriage was . Whatever it was, it sure was not the same as my illusion. I wanted kids. His insecurities found every excuse to delay it. He had no problems discussing names of babies with me but that was it. I DESERVE BETTER. I deserve someone who wants to be with me and I want them to be sure about it. My emotions are valuable. My needs are valuable . I am valuable. With all my flaws and character defects- I matter. So, what are you doing for yourself today?
Anyway, at some point I realized that with or without alcohol, there was only so much effort he was willing to put into our marriage. I don't know how long he has been drinking for . It did not hit me for yearsss that he was an alcoholic (yup even when I saw him passed out or hallucinating - I believed him when he told me he was tired so he was sleeping or he was tired so he was talking in his sleep ) ummm. I believed it all, when I left , it still hadn't dawned on me that the only thing I could do was take care of myself. I had taken care of him for 5 years. Been there for every need of his. But it was never reciprocated except when convenient. So my question is - irrespective of what he is doing or not doing - what are you doing for yourself today? My al anon sponsor always asks me that question to get me back on track . I grieve my illusion of my marriage. A lot. But at the end of the day, I don't know what the reality of that marriage was . Whatever it was, it sure was not the same as my illusion. I wanted kids. His insecurities found every excuse to delay it. He had no problems discussing names of babies with me but that was it. I DESERVE BETTER. I deserve someone who wants to be with me and I want them to be sure about it. My emotions are valuable. My needs are valuable . I am valuable. With all my flaws and character defects- I matter. So, what are you doing for yourself today?
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I went to the gym, am trying out a new recipe, built Lego with the kids and went out for tea and cake with a friend for a catch up and did my nails. Every evening I read the Bible, watch a programme I like and read a book before I go to bed.
My husband, even when actively alcoholic, was supportive of me and helped with the children, the house and other things. He was never nasty or horrible until 4 years ago when it became worse than ever before. That is when he turned emotionally abusive. In my heart of hearts I know that is not the person he truly is.
I've always been doing things for myself throughout all of it. I am not a career woman. As soon as the first was born I went back to part time work and when the third came along we both decided I would stay home and take care of that side of things and it's pretty busy. I think my job was much easier and relaxing than raising kids but I love it. The only extra thing I am doing now is cooking more adventurous. I've always loved cooking and so did my husband. We soent every weekend in the kitchen making pasta or cool desserts after spending a morning at the market.
So it's not like he's never cared or been supportive. He has, he gave me the chance to retrain so I could get a job easier after we moved in together and he held down all the bills. He challenged me to go further and is the best person to have around when it comes to pregnancy and labour. So cool, so supportive and loving. He is really good with newborns, gets up in the night, changes every nappy, regardless of its contents and plays with the girls until everyone can't play anymore.
He used to come up with some amazing, weird and scary dates but he knew I liked it even though it was sometimes a bit out there.
Until 4 years ago....
My husband, even when actively alcoholic, was supportive of me and helped with the children, the house and other things. He was never nasty or horrible until 4 years ago when it became worse than ever before. That is when he turned emotionally abusive. In my heart of hearts I know that is not the person he truly is.
I've always been doing things for myself throughout all of it. I am not a career woman. As soon as the first was born I went back to part time work and when the third came along we both decided I would stay home and take care of that side of things and it's pretty busy. I think my job was much easier and relaxing than raising kids but I love it. The only extra thing I am doing now is cooking more adventurous. I've always loved cooking and so did my husband. We soent every weekend in the kitchen making pasta or cool desserts after spending a morning at the market.
So it's not like he's never cared or been supportive. He has, he gave me the chance to retrain so I could get a job easier after we moved in together and he held down all the bills. He challenged me to go further and is the best person to have around when it comes to pregnancy and labour. So cool, so supportive and loving. He is really good with newborns, gets up in the night, changes every nappy, regardless of its contents and plays with the girls until everyone can't play anymore.
He used to come up with some amazing, weird and scary dates but he knew I liked it even though it was sometimes a bit out there.
Until 4 years ago....
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So i will give my 2 cents to this discussion.. take what you want.. leave the rest...
My wife went into rehab for polysubstance abuse... she was a mess and our marriage collapsing quickly because of her behavior and attitude. One thing i agreed upon when she went into rehab was that i would fight for our marriage as long as she was... so she had to work on herself and us to make it work. Throughout rehab, we did family/couples therapy and that helped. At each therapy session we reaffirmed our commitment to our marriage. She has been out of rehab/sober living for almost a month now, approaching 90 days sober. She appears to be doing well, integrating back into the family life and our relationship is strong at the moment. That is due to both of us expressing that we want our marriage, and thus we are working to be a couple.
I feel that what you are lacking from your husband is the commitment towards the marriage. I do not believe I would have continued in the marriage as a marriage if she had not been willing to commit. I would have likely lived a separate life while co-existing with my spouse, but definitely would have emotionally distanced myself from her. That sounds kind of like your position; and like yourself, I would not have enjoyed being in that position... either waiting for it to get better, or just nothing.
I would suggest you try and talk to your husband about what he wants from your relationship... then determine if those are still in line with what you want. If they are close enough, then suggest family counseling again as part of the commitment.
My wife went into rehab for polysubstance abuse... she was a mess and our marriage collapsing quickly because of her behavior and attitude. One thing i agreed upon when she went into rehab was that i would fight for our marriage as long as she was... so she had to work on herself and us to make it work. Throughout rehab, we did family/couples therapy and that helped. At each therapy session we reaffirmed our commitment to our marriage. She has been out of rehab/sober living for almost a month now, approaching 90 days sober. She appears to be doing well, integrating back into the family life and our relationship is strong at the moment. That is due to both of us expressing that we want our marriage, and thus we are working to be a couple.
I feel that what you are lacking from your husband is the commitment towards the marriage. I do not believe I would have continued in the marriage as a marriage if she had not been willing to commit. I would have likely lived a separate life while co-existing with my spouse, but definitely would have emotionally distanced myself from her. That sounds kind of like your position; and like yourself, I would not have enjoyed being in that position... either waiting for it to get better, or just nothing.
I would suggest you try and talk to your husband about what he wants from your relationship... then determine if those are still in line with what you want. If they are close enough, then suggest family counseling again as part of the commitment.
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I noticed you have stated many times about wanting to have more children and that you have told him that you will take your children and move if he decides to end the marriage. I do wonder if you are trying to use them as a bargaining tool to shock him in to some kind of action, like coming back to be part of the family?
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He says everything feels different and becomes depressed when I ask him about his feelings.
quite typical. he very well doesnt know anything about feeling and what they are. very well could be getting frustrated because he wants to know but doesnt know-yet.
sure sent me into a hole when id get asked too many questions i didnt have answers to-i would shut down,too.
I know it's early days and still I feel I need answers,
so does he- he needs answers,too and doesnt have them yet.
quite typical. he very well doesnt know anything about feeling and what they are. very well could be getting frustrated because he wants to know but doesnt know-yet.
sure sent me into a hole when id get asked too many questions i didnt have answers to-i would shut down,too.
I know it's early days and still I feel I need answers,
so does he- he needs answers,too and doesnt have them yet.
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Originally Posted by Spence7471
So i will give my 2 cents to this discussion.. take what you want.. leave the rest...
My wife went into rehab for polysubstance abuse... she was a mess and our marriage collapsing quickly because of her behavior and attitude. One thing i agreed upon when she went into rehab was that i would fight for our marriage as long as she was... so she had to work on herself and us to make it work. Throughout rehab, we did family/couples therapy and that helped. At each therapy session we reaffirmed our commitment to our marriage. She has been out of rehab/sober living for almost a month now, approaching 90 days sober. She appears to be doing well, integrating back into the family life and our relationship is strong at the moment. That is due to both of us expressing that we want our marriage, and thus we are working to be a couple.
I feel that what you are lacking from your husband is the commitment towards the marriage. I do not believe I would have continued in the marriage as a marriage if she had not been willing to commit. I would have likely lived a separate life while co-existing with my spouse, but definitely would have emotionally distanced myself from her. That sounds kind of like your position; and like yourself, I would not have enjoyed being in that position... either waiting for it to get better, or just nothing.
I would suggest you try and talk to your husband about what he wants from your relationship... then determine if those are still in line with what you want. If they are close enough, then suggest family counseling again as part of the commitment.
My wife went into rehab for polysubstance abuse... she was a mess and our marriage collapsing quickly because of her behavior and attitude. One thing i agreed upon when she went into rehab was that i would fight for our marriage as long as she was... so she had to work on herself and us to make it work. Throughout rehab, we did family/couples therapy and that helped. At each therapy session we reaffirmed our commitment to our marriage. She has been out of rehab/sober living for almost a month now, approaching 90 days sober. She appears to be doing well, integrating back into the family life and our relationship is strong at the moment. That is due to both of us expressing that we want our marriage, and thus we are working to be a couple.
I feel that what you are lacking from your husband is the commitment towards the marriage. I do not believe I would have continued in the marriage as a marriage if she had not been willing to commit. I would have likely lived a separate life while co-existing with my spouse, but definitely would have emotionally distanced myself from her. That sounds kind of like your position; and like yourself, I would not have enjoyed being in that position... either waiting for it to get better, or just nothing.
I would suggest you try and talk to your husband about what he wants from your relationship... then determine if those are still in line with what you want. If they are close enough, then suggest family counseling again as part of the commitment.
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
This push/pull isn't helping the marriage. He needs time to discover who he is and what he wants in life, at least six months. I know it's torture to be in this situation but Alanon can be a huge help in setting boundaries and working on our own stuff. A big hug.
I just feel ready to move on with a happy life and the misery seems to drag on with me waiting whilst I live my life doing my thing on my end with 1 text a day from him as I don't want to contact him. I feel that for myself I need to make a decision sooner rather than later, I've fought for so long for us, me , him and the children.
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