Dutchy36

Brilliant! Thank you for the tip!

Dutchy36

Ah but no Celebrate Recovery locations anywhere near or in London.....strange

hopeful4

Dang, I am sorry to hear that!

Are there any other moms that you could trade babysitting with so that you could have some free times?? Just a thought.

I know there are online alanon classes as well.

Huge hugs.

Dutchy36

I've tapped up many mums already for the family support group I attended before my husband went in as an inpatient at the rehab facility. Most of the meetings are around the girls' bedtime and so also for the their friends which makes it difficult four my friends to come to me and give the girls dinner and put them to bed when they have to do the same with their brood ( not every father is either at home at that time or not always wanting to deal with super tired children when they themselves just come home from work). Our eldest goes to school so I am militant about her going to bed on time.

I will Google online Al Anon as I can do that in the evening at home.

I did write a 5 page Goodbye letter to my husband with the help of Katie Byron's 'The Work' which challenges our thoughts and where they come from.

hopeful4

Keep posting here Dutchy! You are not alone!

Even if you could find someone once a month so you could go may help you!

Spence7471

Dutchy,

You do not have to be a sitting duck, unless you choose to do so...

While my wife and I made the commitment, and recommitments, to our marriage there were periods where we needed honest answers from eachother in order to maintain those commitments. In one instance, I wrote a letter to my wife making it very clear what i needed from her if i was going to keep making the effort in our marriage. I explained that she had to be forthright about what she had done so there was no wondering in my mind.... It was an ultimatum... fill me in, or count me out. I was prepared to walk away from our marriage... without that information, I was done trying.

Anyways, I feel that is kind of the crossroad you are at. If you are willing to be patient and play things out, then you are basically staying committed to your marriage knowing that it may not work out, but at least you put in your best effort. If you are not willing to be patient, then write your letter... make it clear what you need... and what the consequence is otherwise. Be prepared to go thru with the consequence tho.

As a note... I wrote the letter because i had already put so much effort into the marriage/relationship and was not getting any nearly the same in return... Without her making the effort, I was done as I was out of patience.

Dutchy36

Hi Spence, thank you for your reply again.

This part of your reply is where I am at. I put my thoughts on paper because they needed to be out of my head but also to explain exactly where I am coming from, what my journey is and what I need but that I will also take full responsibility if I decide to make that decision and it's such a difficult decision as no marriage is ever perfect and alcoholism makes it even more difficult but we have also faced a lot of battles together, fought them and won together. He has supported me in many ways. Has been a wonderful father to our first one whilst working with me and our 8 week old second child in hospital for a week. He held down the fort, did an amazing job with our very young first one and visited us as much as he could. And so there are many more examples I can write down which show that he is a good human, man and husband and I feel he doesn't see it.

The letter hopefully shows him that he's not all bad, shows a little bit of what we were (if that was even real, to me it was) and what he can be again if he doesn't forget to live bit also what my thoughts, feelings and journey are, my recovery and my needs.

My problem is, is that he is so distant right now that he is can't be reached by anyone. He is so desperate not to drink and in a way that is a good thing but he doesn't know anything else. He knows his job, he knows small talk, AA, his sponsor and that's it.

I feel that your wife at least knew that she wanted to be with you when she finished rehab...? Was she distant and confused about your relationship? Did she live somewhere else without giving a hint of ever having the intention to return to the family home? I'm sorry if I shouldn't be asking these things and I don't mean to come across aggressive or intrusive, I'm sorry if it seems that way.

When my husband went into rehab he told me 'I am not doing this for fun or for me alone, I am doing it for us and for the family'. I feel that bit is lost. It also makes my decision to stay or walk very difficult.