So Lost! How did this happen

Old 03-18-2018, 11:44 AM
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So Lost! How did this happen

Hello. I’ve never posted on a forum before but I need support and I’m not sure where to turn. I’m 36 years old and my husband is 38. My husband is a drug addict and alcoholic. We have been married for 3 years in May and together for 5. When we married he had been sober for 5+ years but that quickly changed. First came the pill addiction(Xanax, adderall and Vicodin) then as of last year he started drinking again and in the last 6 months he has started smoking methamphetime and doing cocaine. He had a good job but within the last 6months he has been fired, for obvious reasons and has continued being unemployed and being a full time drug addict. As of this morning I asked him to leave our home. It was one of the hardest most painful things I have ever done. I have dedicated myself to helping him get better this last year but to no avail. He continues to lie and deceive me which I know is apart of his addiction but living under the same roof has become to much to handle. I know he is very sick in his disease right now and I know it’s pointless to argue with him because all it does is throw gas on the fire. He has lost all of his friends, his family is aware of his addiction and wants nothing to do with him until he becomes sober. I’m all he has left. Before I discovered the severity of his addiction we were trying to have a baby. We have been doing fertility testing and hoping to start treatment but I know now why we weren’t getting pregnant. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise. I’m 36 and I know this is probably it for me to become a mother but I also know I wouldn’t want a child that had a drug addicted father. I feel like I have been robbed. Of course when I kicked him out this morning he called me every ugly name in the book, said I was giving up on him and I never really cared in the first place. Which you can ONLY imagine how painful this was. I work a full time job and go to school and having to deal with this chaos in my home life is breaking me to my core. I’m not sure where to go from here. Looking for any advice or support right now. I feel so alone.
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Old 03-18-2018, 12:09 PM
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ca494......have you considered freezing your eggs? Right this moment, you probably have some left. Then, down the road, when you are more ready, you could, perhaps, have a child with a stable father........
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Old 03-18-2018, 12:29 PM
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H, ca494.
Welcome.
You are doing the right thing.
It’s a hard, hard thing, no question.
Living with an addict is no life at all.
We have a saying round here: Let go or be dragged.
Oh, and be especially vigilant regarding financials.
If you have a joint account, close it.
If he has access to a credit card, cancel it.
You could find yourself without funds very quickly.
Good luck.
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Old 03-18-2018, 12:45 PM
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That sounds so painful. You are a strong woman to be able to do that. People here are so helpful and supportive, keep coming back. And maybe consider changing all the locks?
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Old 03-18-2018, 02:38 PM
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i am sorry for what brings you here, but so glad you found us. you are NOT alone!
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Old 03-18-2018, 05:54 PM
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CA-

I was 34 when my relationship imploded and though I always wanted children, I have not regretted that situation.

Self-care right is never Selfish.

You got this.
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Old 03-18-2018, 06:19 PM
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No advice. Just hugs.

I'm so sorry that you are going through all this. You are not alone here. This is an incredible place.

What kind of support system do you have IRL? Have you talked to any of your friends or family about this?
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Old 03-18-2018, 06:35 PM
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I
Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
ca494......have you considered freezing your eggs? Right this moment, you probably have some left. Then, down the road, when you are more ready, you could, perhaps, have a child with a stable father........
∆∆∆∆∆∆
Good advice, IMO.

Ca -you asked for advice.
Please read the many posts here - from mothers with children with addict/alcoholic fathers. Also, check out the forum here for Adult children of alcoholics/addicts. The stories mostly are not happy ones.

(You will probably come to realize that indeed, bringing a child into this world - whose father is an Active A - is not one of the "best" things to do. So be thankful you did not get pregnant with this man.)

Your husband is Out of Control. His addictions are the only things that matter to him. You did the best thing, kicking him out. Absolutely. Yes, I know how painful it must have been for you to do this. (Been there, myself.)

If you were my best friend, or daughter, I would support this decision and tell you to file at least for legal separation, to protect yourself and your finances. I would tell you to get some counseling for yourself. Also, please try Alanon. And/ Or get immersed in the information on this forum.

Often in Alanon (and other support groups) we are told (when in a crisis) to wait for 6 months before making a big decision, like divorce. You don't have to wait that long, but it gives YOU time to get your own life in order, and to get some clarity in your heart and mind. Usually, by that time, you will know what to do.

For now, take care of yourself. Actually, going forward, always remember to take care of yourself. And, don't allow, tolerate or excuse behavior that is painful or violates your personal value system.

You deserve better than the crazy, toxic situation you are (or have been) living with!!!!

Really.

Hang in there. here's a big hug for you.
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Old 03-19-2018, 08:58 AM
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The most tragic thing you can do is have a child with an addict. If you think the pain he causes you is serious, involve children and it becomes the most tragic and painful thing you have ever experienced.

Keep moving forward. Big hugs.
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Old 03-21-2018, 06:11 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
The most tragic thing you can do is have a child with an addict. If you think the pain he causes you is serious, involve children and it becomes the most tragic and painful thing you have ever experienced..
Absolutely, 100%
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Old 03-21-2018, 06:29 AM
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You have time to have a child. I had twins at 40 and my grandmother had a child in her late 40's. I think freezing your eggs a great idea and also getting out of the situation you are in.
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Old 03-21-2018, 03:30 PM
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First I want to start by staying you're very brave for doing what you needed to do. I know that's not easy... I made this same decision earlier in February. I moved out for 10-days until my AH agreed to get sober. He's on day 29, I don't know how it will go moving forward, but having that time apart and away from the chaos was the best thing I've done for myself and our marriage in over 22 years.

Keep coming here for support and as other posters suggested, Al Anon helps. I've been going for a month now and I've learned ways to communicate with my AH that are much more helpful than what I was doing before.

We also don't have children, we tried, and although there have been times I've been sad about it. It's nice knowing I can walk away, or he can, we don't have children in the mix. I love the idea of freezing eggs, thanks for suggesting that dandelion.

Hang in there, take care of yourself, you're not alone! I'm here anytime, you need someone to chat with.
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Old 03-22-2018, 04:42 AM
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Hello!

I’m sorry about what brings you here...

This is not flippant: celebrate! Celebrate that you have started your own journey into healing. Celebrate that you have put your self first which is the right thing to do. Sometimes one of the best things we can do for an addict is to let them go with love. This doesn’t mean that you don’t love him, it means that you love yourself more. Count your blessings that you did not have a child with this person, that would make things much more complicated and tough.

Hang in here, get some support and really embrace this moment. It is hard now but it is the beginning of a new life without the pain, drama and baggage. Be proud of yourself, you are strong.
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Old 03-22-2018, 04:25 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
ca494......have you considered freezing your eggs? Right this moment, you probably have some left. Then, down the road, when you are more ready, you could, perhaps, have a child with a stable father........
ca494 just to give you some perspective you are not too old for kids! I had my daughter post alcoholic husband in my EARLY 40s (eek I'm old) December 15th! I did it via a sperm donor and a fertility clinic (and frozen embryos and a surrogate)....I spent my entire inheritance on it but best decision I ever made. So if you want a child there are ways....and in my case no man needed. It's not that I don't ever want a relationship again it's just a child was a priority over a relationship....and financially and emotionally (now that my AH is an XRAH) and I knew I could do it. Is it hard? Yes...but the best decision of my life. We women have options now.

So talk to that fertility doctor alone without the A if you really want to....that would be my advice. What you'll find is risk wise frozen embryos are more viable than frozen eggs...sorry to be scientific but those are the facts...so if you want it it CAN be done. But I would highly recommend getting medical advice and choosing the best option for you (for me I wanted the best shot at it which involved frozen embryos rather than eggs).

It took me 3 years to have my daughter due to cancer, leaving my XRAH, malpractice (yes the doctor that fixed my cancer did malpratice on me and I had to have surgery to fix it!), a failed embryo transplant and finally a surrogate helped me have my wonderful daughter...the love and joy of my life. I never gave up or lost hope.

If you're interested look up my past threads.

My point is...if you want it bad enough there are ways...once I had my A out of my life I was free to become me and do what I wanted...which was my beautiful daughter. So no it's not your last chance..... not by a long shot!

Oh and PS...and this is just my situation but had I not left by XA I would not have my daughter...it was so hard to leave him and at the time I thought my life was just over...but it wasn't...quite the opposite it was just beginning....once I made it through the dark part things lit up for the first time.
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