atalose

There is no person walking the face of the earth who demonstrates more courage, dignity, honesty and integrity on a daily basis then an addict in recovery. In true recovery, working recovery being that recovery.

I think this is why working your own program for YOU is extremely important. You need to build solid ground for you to stand on. If she comes along then you both are better off and if she does not, then at least you are standing on a firm foundation.

Berrybean

In the alcoholics case it is powerlessness off alcohol (in that we can't dabble with the stuff without it being problematic for us), and other people and life. All we can change is our own actions. Hence the serenity prayer.

In the case of the AlAnon, it's similar, but it's the powerlessness over their As drinking and acting out or behaviour. Something you (unfortunately) might currently relate to. Do you really think you can stop her seeing her friend? Can you imagine how delightful the time you spent together after that would be?

The powerlessness deal is about accepting life on life's terms, certainly not about diminished responsibility. I know that I personally accept and take far more responsibility now than I did before.

I too have developed close friendships in the fellowship. They are not affairs (in my case). And I have mentioned when I've been struggling when there have been issues between my partner and myself. They soon tell me if they think I'm out of line or should cut him some slack. True AA friend ships are based on honesty, not just saying what the person wants to hear. My close AA friends are like sisters to me. My sponsor (an older woman with 40 years sober) is like an aunt I suppose. A strict one. She soon tells me if I'm being selfish and making living amends to my partner.

That said, if you're feeling neglected and you miss spending time with her, hopefully you can explain this to her (not as part of an argument) she can hear you and find a balance that means that she still gets to see her friend but also spends time with you. I know you're a husband, but have you ever read the Big Book, specifically the chapter entitled To Wives. It might shed some light on what AA suggests. https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&so...2zE_3DHRshw_zU

Does your wife have a sponsor? Is she doing the 12-step recovery program?

BB

Clover71

Yes. I had a similar situation but it was with AH. It just so turned out that I happened to finally wake up and then became not so isolated and made friends. And all of a sudden our problems were because of the influence of my new friends.


I have no idea what is going on here, and I'm not implying this is the case with the OP. I just didn't care for the "let her" comment.

For the OP, I guess you have to let her fly and you should fly. You should be open about your feelings, but the others are right in that women connect differently than men (generally speaking)

donewithhurting

So I find out that her sponsor and new girlfriends are supporting her negative views of me and support her avoiding me.

Of course they are only hearing her side of the story... not the part where she goes to aa meetings and then the bar before coming home drunk and hostile. They hear about how jealous I am but not about the guy she had coffee with when we had a mutual no opposite sex friends, no one on one meetings, in place. And other things I "supposedly" am doing. The lies just keep coming.

Scratching my head. I thought AA was supposed to help stop drinking and live a sober life???

FireSprite

Again, this isn't about AA at ALL.

It's about your wife's unwillingness to own her behavior & embrace her recovery. No one - NO ONE - can "make" her do better than she is willing to do on her own.

You have GOT to stop blaming the program for her choices.

Bernadette

Your wife does not represent AA.

For example, just because christianity preaches non-violence, and someone calls themself a christian, all that "talk" does not magically stop that person from being a total violent hateful jerk!

Take the AA out of it and which part of the equation stands? The individual. So your problems appear to be with your wife and yourself, not with AA.

AA is a program that a participant is supposed to "work" it is not a place or a label that magically makes alcoholics good people just for showing up.

Peace,
B.

SparkleKitty

AA can only help those who are willing to help themselves. It's not a cure dispensary, where you go and take your medicine and boom, it cures you. It requires effort on her part.

The people you are talking about may be reinforcing what's already there, but if you focus on them you miss the most important part: it's already there.

Your problem is not with AA, but with a wife who is not willing to do what it takes to recover from alcoholism.

tomsteve

working the program? yes.
the people in(or around) AA? no
individual responsibility and accountability for working the program isnt on AA or other members.

AnvilheadII

So I find out that her sponsor and new girlfriends are supporting her negative views of me and support her avoiding me.

what is your source her? your WIFE?

one more time DWH, the PROGRAM of AA works if the individual works it. right now your wife does not represent that status. this is not an AA problem, it's a "person known as your WIFE" problem.

donewithhurting

I understand this... any advice is welcome.

tomsteve

if your wife, who reads like shes going to the bar after meetings, is where youre getting the inforamtion, take it with a grain of salt. hell, no matter where it came from, take it with a grain of salt.

unless you feel there may be some truth to it.

AnvilheadII

I understand this... any advice is welcome.

ok, quit deflecting your negative feelings about your wife's behavior onto AA for starters. not AA, not the people IN AA, not the book, not the program.

i recall a while back you said something about her drinking again would be a deal breaker. this was after finding the bourbon (whiskey? vodka?) in the linen closet.

we say here to turn down the sound (words) and just look at the actions.

does your wife "look" or "act" like someone who is dedicated to recovery AND to her marriage?

i'd also suggest that you not be surprised if she "suddenly" want to move out, or serves you with divorce papers, oryou find out about an affair, etc. or all of the above. hand writing seems to be on the walls......

wehav2day

My outpatient counselor once told me, “we have, you can’t have one foot in relapse and the other in recovery.” What she meant was, you can’t have both. Your wife may be going to meetings and socializing with folks, but she’s not IN AA. Or IN any program for that matter.

That said, what is all of this doing to you? Is it making you obsessive, controlling? Unfortunately there’s not a darned thing you can do to get her to embrace recovery, but you have all the power in the world to help yourself.

I wish you both well.

aliciagr

One question. Is she the one telling you all of this? It sounds very twisted if she is using the people in her support group to validate her feelings and then she comes home and tells you everything they said.

Some time apart might not be a bad idea for your own sanity.

From the standpoint of a FAMILY member. I do understand these comments:

So I find out that her sponsor and new girlfriends are supporting her negative views of me and support her avoiding me.

Scratching my head. I thought AA was supposed to help stop drinking and live a sober life

One would expect her SPONSOR who is supposed to have adequate sober time and who is fluent in step work, working the program as its intended - WOULD NOT get involved with a sponsee personal life to this extent. WOULD be able to identify addict behaviors and WOULD NOT play into it.

Peer support of any kind can lead to this kind of issue. Even if the sponsor has stopped drinking and the program worked for her, It doesn't mean she is a healthy individual.

I agree with all the others, your wife may not be using the program for its purpose. But I also think I see why you would be scratching your head as to why the sponsor and the others are propping her up.

donewithhurting

How do I know this info? Lets just say... I have my resources.
No affair.
Yet...

I have reached a point where i am detached emotionally from it all so I am fine. My feet are on solid ground. Go to Al-Anon weekly and do lots of reading on the subject. I've had much more time to myself since the avoidance began and when left alone I am happy and calm. It would be a pity to see our marriage fall apart. The love for the woman is strong.
And I'm certain that under all the alcoholic and peer pressure nonsense she loves me.

Thanks for all the analysis and opinions.
More is better.

Ladybird579

How do I know this info? Lets just say... I have my resources.

Are you spying on her dwh?

I have reached a point where i am detached emotionally from it all so I am fine.

If you are it doesn't sound like the actions of a person who is detached.

She seems a lot like my exah who went through the motions of seeking help but continued to carry on drinking and blaming me for why he did. He also had affairs and it didn't end well for us cos I realised he didn't love me underneath all the lies and his new found drinking buddies and his new life flitting in and out of rehab. It hurt but I had to face it. I don' t blame AA or the rehab. They were there to help but he didn't really want any.

tomsteve

dwh, unless the emotional detachement happend between poist 44 and post 55,it seems if you were truly detached emotionally you wouldnt be having "resources" to find out what she is doing and saying when shes not in your view.

atalose

You’re about as emotionally detached from it all as much as she is detached from the lying and drinking behaviors, so please don’t fool yourself.

Control is not love, jealously is not love, spying and surveillance is not love, your behaviors seem to mimic hers and both need lots of individual work.

FireSprite

In all seriousness, go back & re-read every post in reply to your previous threads. LOTS of great stuff there as a starting point specific to your situation.

Then figure out where your boundaries are - none of us CAN tell you what you are willing to tolerate or what your alternatives are.

We can tell you that ultimatums, efforts to control the uncontrollable & running around blameshifting never got any of us anywhere.

Beyond worrying about her recovery, it seems like maybe it's time for you to get real about YOURS? Maybe that's the magic button that can create real change in your life?

hopeful4

This, 100%!!!

Well said FireSprite.

You can blame a program all you want, but in reality it's your wife's actions. No one can make her do anything, it's her own choices and free will.