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Join Date: Mar 2018
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Hi, I’ve been married to my alcoholic husband for over 7 years. We met and got married in a whirlwind 6 month period where we met, fell in love and got pregnant.
You see I didn’t realize the extent of his dependency on alcohol because when I met him, he was on a 3 month detox after years of drug and alcohol use. He had his first drink after committing to sobriety with me. I didn’t realize at the time his family history of addiction and alcohol dependency (we joke his 71 year old mother is alive, well and healthy because her body has been pickled with the years of drinking- think morning coffee with Bailee’s and ending the day with wine with a bunch of alcohol throughout the day). I didn’t know addiction because it had never been part of my life. I didn’t realize his addiction to alcohol was so different from his addiction to cigarettes which he easily kicked the habit of as soon as we found out we were pregnant.
But I love this man so. So much so it hurts and hurts to see him this way. So much so that after years of living with him this way (and reading through SR tonight) that it’s profoundly changed who I am and as much as I feel love for him and still love him, I’ve become rigid and have put on a “shell” to protect me and to figure out a way to live without him. OMG life without him.
But tonight I found my way here looking for a solution for him and seems I’ve found a support group for me. Because it seems I’ve been dealing with it all wrong. My manic attempts to have him quit cold turkey has been wrong, my attempts to say “hey, it’s ok, I’ll get drunk with you” when the one extreme didn’t work, also wrong. But I realize I have to drill it in my head, I’m not the cause and I’m not the cure.
We went for our yearly checkup earlier this year. He’s just turned 40. He’s the type of guy who could have a grease breakfast after a heavy bender and come out with perfect blood work. Not this time around. The dr found evidence of anemia and gave him a follow up with a GI and Hemotologist. Long story short, he’s been bleeding from multiple ulcers to his throat which had his blood iron levels so low, he’s now going in 2x a week for an IV drip of iron that’s been slowly, painstakingly slowly, raising his levels. He’s developed an incredible fondness and respect for his hematologist and she sat him down earlier this week and told him “you need to stop drinking” “all your health problems are related to your drinking” “you will DIE in 10 years time if you don’t stop drinking” but she told him take 3 months to slowly wean off since he’s been drinking so heavily (think 2-3 bottles of wine a day and several shots of vodka every night)
Of course he comes back and tells me all this and with a renewed sense of urgency to take control of his life. But he can’t. He was already drunk by noon today and all the insisting on my part to eat something has him yelling at me for stop being a “bitch” and he’s fine.
Then he proceeds to continue drinking (secretly as I’m helping my 6 year old with homework) and passes out on the rug, and he’s sleeping it off.
What do I do? I love him so much but I can’t go on like this.
You see I didn’t realize the extent of his dependency on alcohol because when I met him, he was on a 3 month detox after years of drug and alcohol use. He had his first drink after committing to sobriety with me. I didn’t realize at the time his family history of addiction and alcohol dependency (we joke his 71 year old mother is alive, well and healthy because her body has been pickled with the years of drinking- think morning coffee with Bailee’s and ending the day with wine with a bunch of alcohol throughout the day). I didn’t know addiction because it had never been part of my life. I didn’t realize his addiction to alcohol was so different from his addiction to cigarettes which he easily kicked the habit of as soon as we found out we were pregnant.
But I love this man so. So much so it hurts and hurts to see him this way. So much so that after years of living with him this way (and reading through SR tonight) that it’s profoundly changed who I am and as much as I feel love for him and still love him, I’ve become rigid and have put on a “shell” to protect me and to figure out a way to live without him. OMG life without him.
But tonight I found my way here looking for a solution for him and seems I’ve found a support group for me. Because it seems I’ve been dealing with it all wrong. My manic attempts to have him quit cold turkey has been wrong, my attempts to say “hey, it’s ok, I’ll get drunk with you” when the one extreme didn’t work, also wrong. But I realize I have to drill it in my head, I’m not the cause and I’m not the cure.
We went for our yearly checkup earlier this year. He’s just turned 40. He’s the type of guy who could have a grease breakfast after a heavy bender and come out with perfect blood work. Not this time around. The dr found evidence of anemia and gave him a follow up with a GI and Hemotologist. Long story short, he’s been bleeding from multiple ulcers to his throat which had his blood iron levels so low, he’s now going in 2x a week for an IV drip of iron that’s been slowly, painstakingly slowly, raising his levels. He’s developed an incredible fondness and respect for his hematologist and she sat him down earlier this week and told him “you need to stop drinking” “all your health problems are related to your drinking” “you will DIE in 10 years time if you don’t stop drinking” but she told him take 3 months to slowly wean off since he’s been drinking so heavily (think 2-3 bottles of wine a day and several shots of vodka every night)
Of course he comes back and tells me all this and with a renewed sense of urgency to take control of his life. But he can’t. He was already drunk by noon today and all the insisting on my part to eat something has him yelling at me for stop being a “bitch” and he’s fine.
Then he proceeds to continue drinking (secretly as I’m helping my 6 year old with homework) and passes out on the rug, and he’s sleeping it off.
What do I do? I love him so much but I can’t go on like this.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Dratsum, you have indeed found the right place. I'm sorry for what brings you here but glad you found us.
I was married to, and raising a family with, a "functioning" alcoholic for a long time, so I know exactly the kind of feelings and situations you are living through. IT SUCKS.
You asked what you can do.... what you can do is get educated about the diseases of alcoholism and codependence so that you can help yourself and your child. You can set boundaries for yourself in stead of rules you expect him to live by. My first boundary was, " I will not engage with him him when he has been drinking"... that was the first of many.
The book, Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie, was a serious life changer for me.
Take lots of deep belly breaths, it helps stave off some of the anxiety.
Big Hugs for you
I was married to, and raising a family with, a "functioning" alcoholic for a long time, so I know exactly the kind of feelings and situations you are living through. IT SUCKS.
You asked what you can do.... what you can do is get educated about the diseases of alcoholism and codependence so that you can help yourself and your child. You can set boundaries for yourself in stead of rules you expect him to live by. My first boundary was, " I will not engage with him him when he has been drinking"... that was the first of many.
The book, Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie, was a serious life changer for me.
Take lots of deep belly breaths, it helps stave off some of the anxiety.
Big Hugs for you
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Dratsum, I am so sorry you are in this situation, but I am so glad that you are here with us.
The first step when facing any challenge is acceptance. In this case, accepting that he is someone who knows the dangers of drinking to his health, but does it anyway. Who would rather berate his wife than admit he has a problem. Who is drinking while you are helping your child with homework. This is who he is, and it would seem, at least right now, that this is who he wants to be.
If you can accept that he has no intention to stop drinking right now, you can start putting your time and energy into places where you CAN affect change--in yourself and your own situation. You can start taking care of you.
Right now, he is focused on drinking, you are focused on him. Meanwhile your six-year old is learning that this is what a relationship looks like, and that this dynamic is normal. It's past time when at least one of you was focused on what is best for this child's physical, emotional, and mental health, and able to model self-care and self-respect, strong boundaries, and healthy behaviors.
It does not sound like your husband is up to that task. Are you?
The first step when facing any challenge is acceptance. In this case, accepting that he is someone who knows the dangers of drinking to his health, but does it anyway. Who would rather berate his wife than admit he has a problem. Who is drinking while you are helping your child with homework. This is who he is, and it would seem, at least right now, that this is who he wants to be.
If you can accept that he has no intention to stop drinking right now, you can start putting your time and energy into places where you CAN affect change--in yourself and your own situation. You can start taking care of you.
Right now, he is focused on drinking, you are focused on him. Meanwhile your six-year old is learning that this is what a relationship looks like, and that this dynamic is normal. It's past time when at least one of you was focused on what is best for this child's physical, emotional, and mental health, and able to model self-care and self-respect, strong boundaries, and healthy behaviors.
It does not sound like your husband is up to that task. Are you?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Well, I guess what you do is for you to decide. How long can you deal with it? Do you want to be a slave to an end stage alcoholic who calls you a B under any circumstance? Do you want your six year old to be around a father who is drunk by noon and yelling and calling names?
You cannot change his actions. So now it's time for you to figure out your own reactions.
Your #1 priority should be that he should never, ever, drive your child. Until he can show long term sobriety. It would be a good time to look into Alanon or Celebrate Recovery, and a therapist who really understands addiction. For you. This way no matter what comes your way you have a support system and are prepared.
I say all of this kindly because I know it's hard to hear and it hurts.
Hugs.
You cannot change his actions. So now it's time for you to figure out your own reactions.
Your #1 priority should be that he should never, ever, drive your child. Until he can show long term sobriety. It would be a good time to look into Alanon or Celebrate Recovery, and a therapist who really understands addiction. For you. This way no matter what comes your way you have a support system and are prepared.
I say all of this kindly because I know it's hard to hear and it hurts.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
He was already drunk by noon today and all the insisting on my part to eat something has him yelling at me for stop being a “bitch” and he’s fine.
Then he proceeds to continue drinking (secretly as I’m helping my 6 year old with homework) and passes out on the rug, and he’s sleeping it off.
What do I do? I love him so much but I can’t go on like this.
Then he proceeds to continue drinking (secretly as I’m helping my 6 year old with homework) and passes out on the rug, and he’s sleeping it off.
What do I do? I love him so much but I can’t go on like this.
A tremendous amount of his "functioning" was down to me doing _all_ the adulting, except those few things he insisted were his job and would get resentful about me doing, even though he'd procrastinate for weeks or months if he did them at all.
And of course everything was always my fault. Or the kids, pets, his parents, my family, the neighbors. . . anyone's but his, really, and none of the negative consequences he experienced were ever, ever because of his drinking. I had to think of myself and the kids, because he was only thinking about himself and continuing to drink.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: PRINCETON, TX
Posts: 113
Al-anon, any support group like Celebrate Recovery, can you get counselling? This may be a rough question, but do you have any fear of your husband? I know you love him, but he is sick. And believe it or not, it has made you sick too. It is said that alcoholism is a family disease. And we cannot fix each other. Unfortunately this is a cunning and baffling disease and it causes chaos all around the alcoholic. I pray you will get some help. Use this forum as a supplement, but I recommend some serious help. Best wishes, God be with you
Last edited by golfreggie; 03-16-2018 at 10:45 AM. Reason: content
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Of course he comes back and tells me all this and with a renewed sense of urgency to take control of his life. But he can’t. He was already drunk by noon today and all the insisting on my part to eat something has him yelling at me for stop being a “bitch” and he’s fine.
Then he proceeds to continue drinking (secretly as I’m helping my 6 year old with homework) and passes out on the rug, and he’s sleeping it off.
What do I do? I love him so much but I can’t go on like this
As family members we often are forced to make hard choices when the one we love is addicted. We have to look out for ourselves and our children because unfortunately the symptoms of addiction affect us deeply, and bring chaos into our homes. This is a good place to chat with other people who are dealing with the chaos, or the aftermath. One common theme in a lot of the topics - what we can tolerate, when we've had enough, boundaries that help protect us emotionally or physically. But remember only you can make the decisions for your life, and you are the expert on your family.
Do you have people around you (family, friends) who know whats going on, and are a support to you? I isolated myself for a long while because I was ashamed to tell the people in my life what was going on in our home. Looking back I realize this was one of the most damaging things that I did to myself.
Also important for me mentally was to research addiction and to educate myself on how it works, what the symptoms are, why people often cant just stop, what types of treatment options are out there.
You can search online for Alcohol Use Disorder and that should pull up a lot of info. (This site isn't medical, more peer based - but its still very helpful - and you will see your not alone in the pain and confusion).
I had to move out of my house once because I was afraid of my husband, He was mixing drugs and alcohol so I think that contributed. But at the time I really had no place to go. So, I think its always smart for family members to think of worst case scenerios and have a plan for safely removing ourselves/children quickly if need be. (Your husband doesn't sound physically abusive just verbally when drunk, but I wanted to mention this anyway).
One of the best things I did for myself was also to seek out a therapist who specialized in addiction medicine. I learned a lot about addiction, and had someone to talk to about my feelings. It also helped add to what I call my pillars of support: people who could be there for me, and also for my husband if he was willing to accept the help.
Im very sorry for what your family is going through.
Then he proceeds to continue drinking (secretly as I’m helping my 6 year old with homework) and passes out on the rug, and he’s sleeping it off.
What do I do? I love him so much but I can’t go on like this
As family members we often are forced to make hard choices when the one we love is addicted. We have to look out for ourselves and our children because unfortunately the symptoms of addiction affect us deeply, and bring chaos into our homes. This is a good place to chat with other people who are dealing with the chaos, or the aftermath. One common theme in a lot of the topics - what we can tolerate, when we've had enough, boundaries that help protect us emotionally or physically. But remember only you can make the decisions for your life, and you are the expert on your family.
Do you have people around you (family, friends) who know whats going on, and are a support to you? I isolated myself for a long while because I was ashamed to tell the people in my life what was going on in our home. Looking back I realize this was one of the most damaging things that I did to myself.
Also important for me mentally was to research addiction and to educate myself on how it works, what the symptoms are, why people often cant just stop, what types of treatment options are out there.
You can search online for Alcohol Use Disorder and that should pull up a lot of info. (This site isn't medical, more peer based - but its still very helpful - and you will see your not alone in the pain and confusion).
I had to move out of my house once because I was afraid of my husband, He was mixing drugs and alcohol so I think that contributed. But at the time I really had no place to go. So, I think its always smart for family members to think of worst case scenerios and have a plan for safely removing ourselves/children quickly if need be. (Your husband doesn't sound physically abusive just verbally when drunk, but I wanted to mention this anyway).
One of the best things I did for myself was also to seek out a therapist who specialized in addiction medicine. I learned a lot about addiction, and had someone to talk to about my feelings. It also helped add to what I call my pillars of support: people who could be there for me, and also for my husband if he was willing to accept the help.
Im very sorry for what your family is going through.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 2
Thank you all for your responses. I hope you all know how amazing it feels to have finally found a group that I can write out all my feelings without being judged for the choices I have made/making.
My husband is extremely aware of his disease and it's been something he's been fighting for years. Work and financial stress have impacted him worse in the last several years, I think - or maybe I wasn't so acutely aware because pre-babies, I was partying right along side of him and without the obligations of kids, I don't think it mattered much or at least I didn't care...but fast forward to now...
It's been several days since I have posted the initial post and he has been "behaving" himself, even through St Patrick's Day - it probably helped (hoping) we had an earnest discussion the day after when he was sober and we chose to spend the day with non-drinkers.
He went through Betty Ford in his early 20s and it didn't work for him. He did try AA but he didn't care for their faith based 12 step recovery program. So after further reading here, I'm trying to convince him to look through the site and find solace.
I'm not afraid of him, when he's sober, he is the most amazing father and partner I could possibly ask for. It's when he goes on these benders that have me staring at him as he starts his first glass of the day thinking "where is this going to go."
But thank you, thank you everyone. Your words lift my heart and give me hope that I have choices and I'm not alone.
I'm going to find a copy of Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie
My husband is extremely aware of his disease and it's been something he's been fighting for years. Work and financial stress have impacted him worse in the last several years, I think - or maybe I wasn't so acutely aware because pre-babies, I was partying right along side of him and without the obligations of kids, I don't think it mattered much or at least I didn't care...but fast forward to now...
It's been several days since I have posted the initial post and he has been "behaving" himself, even through St Patrick's Day - it probably helped (hoping) we had an earnest discussion the day after when he was sober and we chose to spend the day with non-drinkers.
He went through Betty Ford in his early 20s and it didn't work for him. He did try AA but he didn't care for their faith based 12 step recovery program. So after further reading here, I'm trying to convince him to look through the site and find solace.
I'm not afraid of him, when he's sober, he is the most amazing father and partner I could possibly ask for. It's when he goes on these benders that have me staring at him as he starts his first glass of the day thinking "where is this going to go."
But thank you, thank you everyone. Your words lift my heart and give me hope that I have choices and I'm not alone.
I'm going to find a copy of Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie
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