Is my gf an alcoholic????
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
So she was supposed to confirm dinner plans with me at noon today...heard nothing, so by 4pm, I text her and said thanks for the message by noon and I assume that means we have no dinner plans tonight. She came up with excuses on how she had to go to work, she was soooooo busy because people were calling in, so she apologized for not texting, but surrounded the apology with excuses....I simply said that a text takes less than 30 seconds, at which she then turned defensive. She proceeded to say that she’s sooooo irritated and agitated and the I have absolutely NO idea what she’s going through today. It made me feel like I was almost an inconvenience to her by questioning why I couldn’t get a message from her to confirm plans. Does this sound typical of a response an alcoholic????
She's better about it now that she has a job and has to support herself, but in a way it makes it even worse. Because it means that she has enough brain power to handle a job, but she doesn't want to treat her family and friends with the same consideration that she does with a paycheck or a band gig. We are expendable.
I've learned not to take it personally. I've also learned that I shouldn't expect much from her. As a result, I keep interactions with her to an absolute minimum (she has two children so I have to talk to her every once in a while.)
You are so lucky because you have an actual choice to go No Contact.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 13
Everyone is 100% right when they say this is not, and has NEVER been a relationship. It’s just ******* with my head because I hear one thing and reality is so different from that. I’m trying to realize that I am definitely not a priority in her life. Normal relationships don’t function this way. Each and every single time we have ever hung out, has had alcohol involved. She has helped me through some pretty dark times in my life...we’ve actually know each other for a long time. Only got romantic a year ago. I struggle with anxiety and depression and for some reason, we just connected at what I thought was a deep level. Looking back, that “deep” connection was probably just some alcohol induced false sense of reality of who she really was. There’s nothing true and sincere about a drunk. And I have to convince myself that that’s what she really is. I’m sure drunken connections happen all the time.... I’m sure she’s probably at the bar right now”connecting” with someone else. I’m a fool
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
Please don't beat yourself up, you had a reason for reaching out to this website which tells me your gut check was right on. Please don't isolate yourself if you have been in a dark place. There are many ways to get back into a social life, connecting with others and finding they value your company. Volunteering is a great way of stepping out of your comfort zone. Look at your community guide in the newspapers. Al-anon can be a great place to process your feelings, hear others' stories, and share. Give it some time, wishing you the best. This is spring and a great time to move into positive transition!
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by Livingindenial 
Everyone is 100% right when they say this is not, and has NEVER been a relationship. It’s just ******* with my head because I hear one thing and reality is so different from that. I’m trying to realize that I am definitely not a priority in her life. Normal relationships don’t function this way. Each and every single time we have ever hung out, has had alcohol involved. She has helped me through some pretty dark times in my life...we’ve actually know each other for a long time. Only got romantic a year ago. I struggle with anxiety and depression and for some reason, we just connected at what I thought was a deep level. Looking back, that “deep” connection was probably just some alcohol induced false sense of reality of who she really was. There’s nothing true and sincere about a drunk. And I have to convince myself that that’s what she really is. I’m sure drunken connections happen all the time.... I’m sure she’s probably at the bar right now”connecting” with someone else. I’m a fool
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Livingindenial
Does this sound typical of a response by an alcoholic????
As others have said, you have every right to end the relationship simply b/c you're not happy in it. You don't have to have a reason, like "she's an alcoholic." You don't have to justify it. You don't owe her a 2nd or 3rd or 1000th chance. You can simply inform her that this just isn't working for you, express your wishes for her future happiness, and move on w/your own life.
I'm glad you've been reading around the forum b/c it's such a great way to educate yourself. When we first came here, none of us knew about alcoholism and how all bets in the "normal" world are now off b/c addiction changes all the rules. Once we begin to get informed, and even more important, begin to believe that information, AND believe that it applies to US, everything looks different. We come to understand that we DO have choices, and what those choices are. And eventually we become strong enough and clear enough to make the choices that will lead us to happiness and independence.
Best wishes.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 13
I heard nothing from her last night. Not a peep. And honestly don’t really think I’ll b hearing much from her anymore. I’m sure it’s for the best. It hurts, but all of the reading that I’m doing here has given me a different perspective on her life. I’m starting to see her as kinda pathetic, a liar, selfish, sad, and probably flat out miserable. Her life must be incredibly lonely
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by Livingindenial
I heard nothing from her last night. Not a peep. And honestly don’t really think I’ll b hearing much from her anymore. I’m sure it’s for the best. It hurts, but all of the reading that I’m doing here has given me a different perspective on her life. I’m starting to see her as kinda pathetic, a liar, selfish, sad, and probably flat out miserable. Her life must be incredibly lonely
Edit: Block her from contacting you. It's freeing to not think they 'may call', when they can't.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Please don't beat yourself up about this. Most of us have been in the same boat in one fashion or another. I myself was in love with somebody who didn't love me back but went through the motions. I spent a good part of that relationship wondering if I was 1) crazy 2) abusive 3) unlovable. Meanwhile he cheated on me once, then told me I wasn't smart enough to detect that I was cheating on him. And yet I stayed with him for another two years until HE broke things off (I still beat myself up about that one.). I struggle with depression too, but I could honestly say that I was more depressed when I was in that relationship than afterwards.
I ended up meeting my husband almost two years later. There's just no comparison.
I ended up meeting my husband almost two years later. There's just no comparison.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 151
Originally Posted by Bernadette
It’s so hard because Love the amazing qualities she has, she really is one of the most caring, compassionate people I know. But then I wonder if I even know her at all??? She has said she wants to get married, that she loves me and sees a future with me.
We all love our A loved ones! They are (mostly) terrific people from the time before their addiction took over. If their former awesomeness and love could cure them none of us would be here!
I know she’s in denial about her problem, and just tells me the things she wants her life to be like. Is that where the heartache of being involved with an alcoholic comes in?
Oh geeeez, the heartache comes in so many ways. It comes when they let you down, and you watch them letting themselves down, letting people they care about down, over and over and over again.
It comes when you realize they are lying to you, right to your face, and you think so much better of them than that, and the gap between their behavior and your idealized version of them gets wide and painful.
It comes when their health and intelligence starts to deteriorate, and you think, "Can't they see? Why won't they stop? " And they do not stop, they keep drinking.
It comes alongside many scares, DUIs, disappearances, hospitalizations.
I find heartbreaking watching the huge effort that my A loved ones expend constantly to try and maintain this false public image, maintain relationships where nothing is genuine because of the drinking, hide bottles, receipts, whereabouts, all this desperate effort so that Team Alcohol gets the win. It's awful, exhausting, heart wrenching.
Not maintaining a front row seat to all that has helped me be healthy, sane, and free. Live and let live. I have a choice whether I want to engage with any of the insanity and deception. I've found it is healthier for me if I detach and love and support from a distance.
Peace,
B.
We all love our A loved ones! They are (mostly) terrific people from the time before their addiction took over. If their former awesomeness and love could cure them none of us would be here!
I know she’s in denial about her problem, and just tells me the things she wants her life to be like. Is that where the heartache of being involved with an alcoholic comes in?
Oh geeeez, the heartache comes in so many ways. It comes when they let you down, and you watch them letting themselves down, letting people they care about down, over and over and over again.
It comes when you realize they are lying to you, right to your face, and you think so much better of them than that, and the gap between their behavior and your idealized version of them gets wide and painful.
It comes when their health and intelligence starts to deteriorate, and you think, "Can't they see? Why won't they stop? " And they do not stop, they keep drinking.
It comes alongside many scares, DUIs, disappearances, hospitalizations.
I find heartbreaking watching the huge effort that my A loved ones expend constantly to try and maintain this false public image, maintain relationships where nothing is genuine because of the drinking, hide bottles, receipts, whereabouts, all this desperate effort so that Team Alcohol gets the win. It's awful, exhausting, heart wrenching.
Not maintaining a front row seat to all that has helped me be healthy, sane, and free. Live and let live. I have a choice whether I want to engage with any of the insanity and deception. I've found it is healthier for me if I detach and love and support from a distance.
Peace,
B.
Listen to (and I hope you can "hear") what Bernadette is saying.
Bernadette that post was
MCESaint
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Does this sound typical of a response an alcoholic????
She has helped me through some pretty dark times in my life...
Sometimes it’s better to allow these one sided relationships to die all on their own without a big dramatic finish, fan fair of closure or having to get the last word in. She hasn’t contacted you so allow the end to happen rather than attempt to stop it. Don’t call her and don’t be running a race to answer any calls or texts message she may send.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by Livingindenial
So she was supposed to confirm dinner plans with me at noon today...heard nothing, so by 4pm, I text her and said thanks for the message by noon and I assume that means we have no dinner plans tonight. She came up with excuses on how she had to go to work, she was soooooo busy because people were calling in, so she apologized for not texting, but surrounded the apology with excuses....I simply said that a text takes less than 30 seconds, at which she then turned defensive. She proceeded to say that she’s sooooo irritated and agitated and the I have absolutely NO idea what she’s going through today. It made me feel like I was almost an inconvenience to her by questioning why I couldn’t get a message from her to confirm plans. Does this sound typical of a response an alcoholic????
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