Is my gf an alcoholic????
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
I’m very tempted to send the we need to talk text,
Why? What outcome are you hoping for? Do you think she will be honest with you? Personally I'd not waste my breath. She will say what you want to hear.....then carry on as before.
Why? What outcome are you hoping for? Do you think she will be honest with you? Personally I'd not waste my breath. She will say what you want to hear.....then carry on as before.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Like she will somehow miraculously recover and we will live a long happy life together.
If you know for sure you want out of this relationship and do not want to be judgmental or harsh about her being an alcoholic, then don’t make it about that.
End the relationship simply because it’s not working for you anymore. And stick to your decision, don’t allow lies or further manipulations to take you off course no matter how much you want to believe things she says. Once you have ended it, it’s a good idea to block her from being able to contact you, least for a long while, a long while.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I say go ahead and send the text, but prepare yourself for a very frustrating conversation. Here are some of the outcomes I've experienced from "having the talk" with my A loved ones (the talk where I think I will learn something from them; I will tell them something they don't know that will make a lightbulb go off, and they will sense my compassionate support and choose a healthy path and we get this damn problem behind "us!").
Lather, rinse, repeat. All these responses were followed by continued drinking!
So that's how much effect for the A my little "talk" had on them.
But the effect on ME was greater - because for me, entering into that upisde down world of A argument and A logic (I mean you can have discussions with an addict that just defy all the normal conventions of friendship, conversation, rationality, reality!) but it helped ME to just STOP with the helping - stop thinking that ANYTHING I say or do makes a darn bit of difference.
It helped me get out of denial and learn the great lesson of not having expectations in regards to their sobriety, because that is where a lot of the pain comes from. And it led me to start exploring myself, getting serious about changing myself and my own patterns of thinking.
I mean, think about it - we come at the A saying "You need to change" and we are disappointed when they can't - but what was the last dfficult psychological thing about myself I tried to change that I was able to change lickety split? Like I can say I am going to do XYZ all I want, doesn't make XYZ just happen! Talk is just talk!
Taking real action to get healthy in mind and body and break my own obsession with them and their drinking was really tough but so worth it. Therapy, AlAnon, exercise, reading, and then practicing, honestly and effortfully putting into practice what I have learned is the key. It's still a struggle, and I still am tempted t relapse and rush in and "help" my brothers from time to time, but I know better. And when you know better you do better, and if you know better but still don't do better
then more therapy/work is needed to figure out why and how to help yourself.
There is a reality, and while painful to live in reality sometimes, I will never go back to denial, that is a sick and sad territory where I am weak and lost. In reality I can change things everyday for myself, for the better!
Peace,
B.
- Swift and aggressive anger, how dare you, resentment, mind your own bizness!
- Crying, sobbing, yes I cannot take it anymore, I know I need help, I am going to change (this response would have been followed by me suggesting AA, a talk with their doctor, a call to a recovered A friend or family member, me feeling much pity for the alcoholic and yet getting my hopes up that finally they are going to tackle this addiction.!)
- Despondent silence, grunts, disengagement, stares of hatred
- Outright straight up lying about how much they drink, how they have been "going to meetings" how I am completely off base and confused.
Lather, rinse, repeat. All these responses were followed by continued drinking!
So that's how much effect for the A my little "talk" had on them.But the effect on ME was greater - because for me, entering into that upisde down world of A argument and A logic (I mean you can have discussions with an addict that just defy all the normal conventions of friendship, conversation, rationality, reality!) but it helped ME to just STOP with the helping - stop thinking that ANYTHING I say or do makes a darn bit of difference.
It helped me get out of denial and learn the great lesson of not having expectations in regards to their sobriety, because that is where a lot of the pain comes from. And it led me to start exploring myself, getting serious about changing myself and my own patterns of thinking.
I mean, think about it - we come at the A saying "You need to change" and we are disappointed when they can't - but what was the last dfficult psychological thing about myself I tried to change that I was able to change lickety split? Like I can say I am going to do XYZ all I want, doesn't make XYZ just happen! Talk is just talk!
Taking real action to get healthy in mind and body and break my own obsession with them and their drinking was really tough but so worth it. Therapy, AlAnon, exercise, reading, and then practicing, honestly and effortfully putting into practice what I have learned is the key. It's still a struggle, and I still am tempted t relapse and rush in and "help" my brothers from time to time, but I know better. And when you know better you do better, and if you know better but still don't do better
then more therapy/work is needed to figure out why and how to help yourself. There is a reality, and while painful to live in reality sometimes, I will never go back to denial, that is a sick and sad territory where I am weak and lost. In reality I can change things everyday for myself, for the better!
Peace,
B.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
It helped me to remember all the "talks" we'd already had, and how much time and energy I had already wasted composing the perfect words that would finally get through.
He'd get angry, or pick a fight about anything but his drinking or let his dad drag him to an AA meeting to get everyone off his back for awhile. But he kept drinking no matter what anyone said- parents, doctors, police, judges, and most importantly ME!, lol. All those talks did was allow me to hold onto impossible expectations for the relationship and keep storing up resentments against him when he failed to meet them.
I was pouring all my energy into the black hole of his addiction, which he is still protecting with everything he has. I started using my resources to build the life I wanted for myself and my kids. He is doing the same, which is his right. Just as I had the right to separate myself from him when it became apparent that drinking was his priority and he was entirely willing to sacrifice the family's quality of life in order to continue doing it.
He'd get angry, or pick a fight about anything but his drinking or let his dad drag him to an AA meeting to get everyone off his back for awhile. But he kept drinking no matter what anyone said- parents, doctors, police, judges, and most importantly ME!, lol. All those talks did was allow me to hold onto impossible expectations for the relationship and keep storing up resentments against him when he failed to meet them.
I was pouring all my energy into the black hole of his addiction, which he is still protecting with everything he has. I started using my resources to build the life I wanted for myself and my kids. He is doing the same, which is his right. Just as I had the right to separate myself from him when it became apparent that drinking was his priority and he was entirely willing to sacrifice the family's quality of life in order to continue doing it.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
All those talks did was allow me to hold onto impossible expectations for the relationship
I am so glad that I was finally able to see that I was no longer working on a relationship but rather a long drawn out goodbye.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
You obviously don't pick her up at her home. I'd be suggesting it's time to meet her parents/roommate or whoever she lives with.
As others have pointed out, you are not getting the whole picture of what she is about. No offense but your actions are typical of codependency. After a year, you are within the parameters of being more than just "an acquaintance".
Take it to the next level or resign yourself to being just an occasional friend. Kidney failure is nothing to mess around with, and alcohol can cause even faster deterioration (but you know that too).
My guess is that if she is hiding empties in her car, her home can't be very tidy. Either way, how she lives will probably be an eye opener to you. I'd be checking things out if it were me. Certainly an indication of what you may be getting yourself involved with and how you can expect her standard of living would be like.
As others have pointed out, you are not getting the whole picture of what she is about. No offense but your actions are typical of codependency. After a year, you are within the parameters of being more than just "an acquaintance".
Take it to the next level or resign yourself to being just an occasional friend. Kidney failure is nothing to mess around with, and alcohol can cause even faster deterioration (but you know that too).
My guess is that if she is hiding empties in her car, her home can't be very tidy. Either way, how she lives will probably be an eye opener to you. I'd be checking things out if it were me. Certainly an indication of what you may be getting yourself involved with and how you can expect her standard of living would be like.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 13
I guess thinking about it, I’m not sure what I want out of the conversation...I’ve been doing a lot of reading on this site and am realizing that this disease is much bigger than what I can control for her. The fact is I can’t control a damn thing for her. Her life, or what I know of it, revolves around alcohol, not me. I’m starting to see that I’m just a casualty in this mess. I never wanted to fall in love with her, but it just happened. I guess I need to get out. Either way if she’s truly an alcoholic or not, I’m not happy
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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I’ve put my heart and soul into her...I’m having a hard time accepting that I will never get that in return...She tells me that she’s working on moderation and that makes me think, maybe blue skies are right around the corner, maybe she’s on her road to recovery, maybe things will get better, she’ll get healthier, we’ll be happy. I keep telling myself to hold out a little bit longer. Don’t give up on things. I go back and forth all day long. I’m drained
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Join Date: Dec 2017
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Moderation does not work for addicts. My RAH had quit many times over the years and it never lasted long and before too long he would start drinking socially and not too long after that it would spin out of control. The longest he quit drinking was 13 months, but he was a dry drunk, just white knuckling it without any sort of treatment, so basically the same miserable person without the one coping mechanism he had. He had to be on meds that are very hard on the liver for 4 months. He quit drinking until his first round of LFTs came ack normal and then started back up again. And he is a medical provider who should know better. But that didn’t matter.
He finally managed to get sober and went to rehab for 90 days and has been very successful in his sobriety and has changed a lot for the better. But the damage to our relationship was huge, at least for me it was, he wasn’t present enough to notice. He has a good job and no one knew he was a drunk, exçept for me. He managed to hide it very well. Because they are experts at that. As you’ve discovered there’s is nothing you can do to help her. Like people say here all the time, if our love could help them stop drinking there would not be a need for this forum. We’ve all lived this and most of us have gone through several attempts at recovery and the relapse. My H would get drunk at parties sometimes but then again, who doesn’t do this sometimes? So nothing abnormal there. And for the most part he was a normal functional adult with a job and family. But once he was home that’s where it would go wrong. He was a closet drinker at home.
Like other say, lots of refus flags, she is really just using you from the sound of it. You’re doing all the giving and she is doing all the taking . What is she reall contributing ? You’ve been together a year and you’ve never been to her house ? You deserve much more than someone who has time for you when and where it is convenient for her. And empty bottles in the car is a bad sign
As hard as it may be to accept I think you probably know that the best thing to do here is to break it off. You have a problem with her drinking, she really doesn’t. You really don’t have that much invested in this relationship (aside from your feelings). Youre just gonna get dragged down with her and from the sound of it you are not really as happy as you would like to be. It isn’t easy breaking off a relationship even when you know in your head it isn’t the right thing to do. Get educated (I’m a medical provider as well and know now that I rally knew very little about addiction until my H went to rehab ) both to he,o you know and also to help,prevent another such relationship in the future . Keep coming here and read codependent no more.
I wish you all the best. Nothing good will come out of this if she doesn’t stop drinking. And even if she did then there is still no guarantee.
He finally managed to get sober and went to rehab for 90 days and has been very successful in his sobriety and has changed a lot for the better. But the damage to our relationship was huge, at least for me it was, he wasn’t present enough to notice. He has a good job and no one knew he was a drunk, exçept for me. He managed to hide it very well. Because they are experts at that. As you’ve discovered there’s is nothing you can do to help her. Like people say here all the time, if our love could help them stop drinking there would not be a need for this forum. We’ve all lived this and most of us have gone through several attempts at recovery and the relapse. My H would get drunk at parties sometimes but then again, who doesn’t do this sometimes? So nothing abnormal there. And for the most part he was a normal functional adult with a job and family. But once he was home that’s where it would go wrong. He was a closet drinker at home.
Like other say, lots of refus flags, she is really just using you from the sound of it. You’re doing all the giving and she is doing all the taking . What is she reall contributing ? You’ve been together a year and you’ve never been to her house ? You deserve much more than someone who has time for you when and where it is convenient for her. And empty bottles in the car is a bad sign
As hard as it may be to accept I think you probably know that the best thing to do here is to break it off. You have a problem with her drinking, she really doesn’t. You really don’t have that much invested in this relationship (aside from your feelings). Youre just gonna get dragged down with her and from the sound of it you are not really as happy as you would like to be. It isn’t easy breaking off a relationship even when you know in your head it isn’t the right thing to do. Get educated (I’m a medical provider as well and know now that I rally knew very little about addiction until my H went to rehab ) both to he,o you know and also to help,prevent another such relationship in the future . Keep coming here and read codependent no more.
I wish you all the best. Nothing good will come out of this if she doesn’t stop drinking. And even if she did then there is still no guarantee.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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.She tells me that she’s working on moderation and that makes me think, maybe blue skies are right around the corner, maybe she’s on her road to recovery, maybe things will get better, she’ll get healthier, we’ll be happy. I keep telling myself to hold out a little bit longer. Don’t give up on things.
Usually as it turns out they are just that, WORDS with very little if any action to really back them up.
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Originally Posted by Livingindenial 
She tells me that she’s working on moderation and that makes me think, maybe blue skies are right around the corner, maybe she’s on her road to recovery, maybe things will get better, she’ll get healthier, we’ll be happy. I keep telling myself to hold out a little bit longer. Don’t give up on things. I go back and forth all day long. I’m drained
im not sure but it reads like trying to save someone to feel better about yourself.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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Originally Posted by atalose
And that’s the hook, the carrot dangling in front of our eyes, words, lovely positive words. Words that stop us from ending it, words that get us off their backs for a bit, words that sounds like everything we’ve been waiting to hear.
Usually as it turns out they are just that, WORDS with very little if any action to really back them up.
Usually as it turns out they are just that, WORDS with very little if any action to really back them up.
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The interesting thing about control is....we can only control ourselves. We can tell you our experiences, but you have to decide what you want to do. None of us can make these decisions or take these actions for you--any more than you can make her get sober and get the real help she seems to need.
When you are truly done...you will know it. Will it be easy, no, it won't. It will hurt. And none of us like to hurt, but sometimes we have to go through it for our own long-term good.
You will always be understood and supported here. Hang in there!
When you are truly done...you will know it. Will it be easy, no, it won't. It will hurt. And none of us like to hurt, but sometimes we have to go through it for our own long-term good.
You will always be understood and supported here. Hang in there!
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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So she was supposed to confirm dinner plans with me at noon today...heard nothing, so by 4pm, I text her and said thanks for the message by noon and I assume that means we have no dinner plans tonight. She came up with excuses on how she had to go to work, she was soooooo busy because people were calling in, so she apologized for not texting, but surrounded the apology with excuses....I simply said that a text takes less than 30 seconds, at which she then turned defensive. She proceeded to say that she’s sooooo irritated and agitated and the I have absolutely NO idea what she’s going through today. It made me feel like I was almost an inconvenience to her by questioning why I couldn’t get a message from her to confirm plans. Does this sound typical of a response an alcoholic????
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so here is a "normal" way to deal with your "dinner date" plans....
two people have tentative dinner plans.....and one party is to call at noon to confirm.
that party does not call. for four hours.
dinner plans are off.
two people have tentative dinner plans.....and one party is to call at noon to confirm.
that party does not call. for four hours.
dinner plans are off.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
So sorry Livingindenial. She obviously does not make you a priority in her life. If she shared your enthusiasm she would be excited to see you for dinner. If her life were really all that complicated she would have called you to explain. I think sending someone a text to break a date is a chicken sh** excuse.
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she came up with excuses on how she had to go to work, she was soooooo busy because people were calling in, so she apologized for not texting, but surrounded the apology with excuses....I simply said that a text takes less than 30 seconds, at which she then turned defensive. She proceeded to say that she’s sooooo irritated and agitated and the I have absolutely NO idea what she’s going through today. It made me feel like I was almost an inconvenience to her by questioning why I couldn’t get a message from her to confirm plans. Does this sound typical of a response an alcoholic????
Hmm....am betting she is drinking so not busy at all except busy drinking. My exah never, ever confirmed plans when he was busy drinking and got on the defensive straightaway if I called him out on that. Always an excuse for not doing things with him. Either way she clearly wasn't interested in seeing you so I'd take the hint if I were you. Her life is clearly more important then yours in her eyes and her time is too. Yes she does see you as an inconvenience but that is not a reflection of you. You deserve so much better than this. The more you have normal expectations of her to act in a considerate way towards you (as she should but never will) the worse she will become. It's not a relationship.....Nothing about this is normal or loving or anything else that relationships are made up of.
Hmm....am betting she is drinking so not busy at all except busy drinking. My exah never, ever confirmed plans when he was busy drinking and got on the defensive straightaway if I called him out on that. Always an excuse for not doing things with him. Either way she clearly wasn't interested in seeing you so I'd take the hint if I were you. Her life is clearly more important then yours in her eyes and her time is too. Yes she does see you as an inconvenience but that is not a reflection of you. You deserve so much better than this. The more you have normal expectations of her to act in a considerate way towards you (as she should but never will) the worse she will become. It's not a relationship.....Nothing about this is normal or loving or anything else that relationships are made up of.
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