Mandy05

I am very confused and it's causing SO much anxiety in me. As you all know Mark is out of my life, but my guy friend who I was friends with for about five years was recently involved in my life again. He has a girlfriend who he adores and loves. He said he wanted me to come out with him because she's working, and he is staying clean, didn't want to be alone, and newly medicated etc. This is a huge step for my friend as well to be clean. He needed support, so as a friend I went out with him.

So we went out to some places, he got stuff for his girlfriend. We were joking around and having fun! I thought me being out of the house and having fun would be better for me, but it made me feel even more depressed. I felt like I developed some type of feeling for my friend. Which is why I'm so nervous because he's taken, and I just don't want to like him like that because he's an addict and has SO many issues. I never liked him romantically before, but all I thought about was my ex the WHOLE time we were out. Through the laughing, the jokes, and all. It made me even WORSE!

I was actually better being by myself. I don't know if it's because I crave love from another male why I developed feelings for my friend? Because I thought it was so sweet how thoughtful he was of his gf. He was known for being a player/ man ho, so that's why I always hung out with him platonically. So for him to be so dedicated to this girl and not do that man ho stuff he use to do to other girls was refreshing. He said "I'm so in love with Molly. She's helping me to stay sober and take care of myself. I love her daughter like she's my own. I just want to take care of her. I never been in love with someone like this." It made me happy of course, but it also made me sad because I was thinking "why couldn't my ex think this way? And my friend is WAY more mental and messed up than him, but yet he seems to be in a better place than my ex, and actually appreciates what this woman did for him." I guess it depressed me even more to hear that my friend who is worse than my ex (which is why I always kept a distance) so much love he had for his gf. That's what I always wanted. It made me miss Mark. Whereas I was angry before.

But now I'm scared if I have feelings for my friend. I don't want that because one HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND! And I don't need that along with what I'm dealing with. I'm hoping I was just in love with the fact that he adored his girlfriend, and that's something I've always wanted. I'm so confused. I thought by going out would help but it made me actually miss Mark and want to be with him, it made me think really crazy thoughts that I didn't have about Mark. When I'm just working and coming home, doing my own thing I just had anger and concentrated on other stuff. I didn't miss him though. I don't know what to do. My friend wants me to be there for him, but I don't know if I can. I'm just really regretting even hanging out with him. I am so confused. I hope it's just because I want a guy to adore me like that, and talk about me like that. Because like I said I never felt ANY romantic feelings for my friend because he was an active addict, and was a man ho. I just liked him as a friend because he supported me through some tough times, but I always kept a distance because of his mental illness and drug addiction. I am so confused. I thought about Mark the whole entire time and put on a fake facade like I was having fun. I was, but it did not distract me. It just made me want him?

hopeful4

I think it would be wise to spend some time alone. I also don't really think it's good to spend time with someone if it makes you feel depressed. It sounds like friend should be hanging out with a more appropriate crowd.

Just my .02

Hang in there.

Mandy05

And isn't it crazy I want someone who isn't in love with me, and made that clear? Who insulted me and said I was a loser that couldn't hold a job, yet I used my school money to support him? Isn't it crazy that I missed someone who was so rude to me and showed his hatred through his voice, and played with my head like a damn fiddle? What is wrong with me?

Maudcat

Hi, Mandy.
How is your self-esteem?
I ask because mine was terrible when I was younger, and as a result, I was always attempting to captivate some man or another.
That didn’t always work out so well.
So, maybe being b yourself for a while, and maybe doing some self reflection about the choices you make might be helpful?
Peace.

Mandy05

Thank you. ❤️ Yeah I think that's wise too because when I hang with my girlfriends they are actually a distraction. I think it's something I've been craving. Like that's what I want. A man to be around a woman and still talk about me and make it known that he's dedicated to me. Like it was nice to hear that.

Mandy05

My self esteem isn't good, but I prefer to be alone. I honestly haven't been hanging with anyone. My girlfriend a couple of times but I requested to work over time and I do just want to be alone. I am ok with it. He hit me up to see if I wanted to go out with him because he wanted to stay away from his addict friends, and he knows we are just platonic friends, so he wanted support and thought "well I'm.not doing anything. So I might as well hang out with him.and support him." But I never thought I would feel this way or it would be this way. It's causing a lot of anxiety in me.

However, I don't think I want him. I think I just always wanted love and crave that, so I admired and was like in love with the fact he adored his gf and was talking about her, and dedicated to her. Like I wish I had that. I don't know. It's just really stressful. But thank you for commenting. ❤️

atalose

It’s probably a distraction from the grieving process from the ending of your other relationship. A way for you to temporary think of something else in order to ease the pain. A new relationship is often what we think the cure for the pain from the old is, but it is not. Unless we build ourselves up from the inside, self-esteem, self-respect we will continue to find similar partners who bring us hurt, pain and disappointment.

dandylion

Mandy...I am going to give you a mature and healthy rule for life.....
Whenever you come across a m an who is attached or involved with another partner.....it doesn't matter what you feel for him....Walk Away! Always. No exceptions. No rationalizations.
This life rule will save you more heartache and dysfunction, in your l ife, than you can imagine....

It is like...if you are on a diet...a nd, happen to walk past a big piece of chocolate cake....j us keep on walking.....

firebolt

You are wounded and grieving. We're addicts too, you know. Our addict voice will try and fill that void with ANYTHING.

Logically, spending time with healthy friends and family, investing in healthy hobbies, and taking really really good care of yourself are the only things that are going to build you back up. We go after all that messy stuff as a quick fix to feeling better (like an alcoholic does with booze) and it only leaves us feeling worse.

Take care - it's uncomfortable for a while, but there's a process to get yourself back and if you take the time and gather the strength to do it, the payout is worth it - YOU are worth it!

Mandy05

I was friends with my friend before I met Mark. I never had any feelings for him. He works for my dad's company, so I always saw my friend and we became friends because he helped me through some depression issues I had years ago. He's a good friend, but from a distance. He is good at heart, but he's an addict and always has been, and he recently got sober. Hes also was or maybe still is a player, so that's another thing that turned me off from him. I'm not trying to hook up with him and I never had interest to do that even when we hung out before because he was always just like a brother figure. He looks at me like that...like a sister figure.

I just don't understand why all of a hidden and why I feel this and it's making me extremely nervous because me and my friend were never romantically linked to each other, and we use to go to ball games as friends together a couple of years ago. We always went out just as friends. So, I really wasn't expecting such a different feeling from by hanging out with him. Thank you for your input. ❤️

Mandy05

I totally get what you're saying but I never wanted him before and I don't want him now. I'm just confused as to why I had a certain feeling about him.and it's causing anxiety in me. I know I have to distance myself but it's just weird because I never had feelings for my friend romantically. We both looked at each other as brother and sister. I saw him constantly due to the fact he works with my dad so we always hung out, or went to baseball games. Nothing was ever sexual. So it is weird to me now. I didn't think this would happen because it was always so normal for us to hang out. I don't know. I know what you mean and I appreciate it. ❤️ But I don't want him like that, I'm just confused as to why I have a different feeling and why I thought about Mark even more, and why I felt even more depressed? It was confusing because when I hung out with my girlfriends I always felt better. It was also a distraction. So it's strange to me.

Mandy05

Thank you ❤️ I am not trying to hook up with him nor did I ever have that desire. I just honestly thought he needed support since he's clean and I don't do drugs or drink. He said he was alone and his gf works 2nd shift, so he wanted to do something until she got off work because he said he was afraid he'll relapse. He is very devoted to her and I admire that because for once he's actually respecting a woman and is not messing with her heart like what he did to other women. I didn't think I would feel worse or feel different about him since we always hung out and did stuff together because he worked for my dad's company, so I saw him all the time and we went to concerts and ball games with each other. Everything was always friendly. So I didn't really think twice about him wanting to hang out. I'm just confused as to why I had a different feeling, and why I missed mark even more. That was super confusing.

Also, I'm working with a therapist and she's helping me with my co-dependency. I was addicted to the relationship and you're right about that. ❤️

Mandy05

I'm wondering if I felt even more depressed and wanted mark back because I saw how in love my friend is with his gf, and how much better off he is when he was ALWAYS a mess and has issues? And I wanted that in Mark? He is worse than my ex which is why he was a friend at arm's length. Like he was saying things I wished I heard from Mark. He was like "I can't stand drugs and I need help, but Molly is helping me and she's been so good to me. I love her so much because she brings out the best in me and I went on my own and saw a psychiatrist for my bipolar and I'm on meds now, I'm doing meeting and I'll be doing outpatient rehab soon, but Molly is so supportive and helps, I don't want to ever let her go. Everyone else abandoned me, when she didn't." He did a number on women he was hooking up with. That's why I never had romantic feelings for him. I saw and heard how much his girlfriend meant to him and I admire that. I also admired the fact he took the steps on his own and wanted to get help, and he's open to meds to help himself and open about the fact he does have BPD. Unlike Mark who made things very difficult and denied he has Borderline Personality Disorder. I guess it's almost like I wanted to hear and see that from Mark, and I admired my friend for getting help on his own, and being appreciative of his girlfriend at the same time. I'm just hoping I have some sort of feeling towards my friend because that's what I wanted in Mark.

I just don't know why I missed Mark like crazy and thought about him the WHOLE time while I was with my friend. I was thinking crazy thoughts too like "Mark I want you back. I miss you Mark." Like ok Mark insulted me and admitted he wasn't in love with me. Like what the hell is wrong with me? I'm so confused and I feel crazy. I don't know how I went from kinda having my mind occupied by working and being at home, and being angry about Mark to wanting him so badly and missing him when I go out with my friend. Like it was not a distraction at all. When I hang with my girlfriends it was all a distraction and a good time. I'm so confused.

atalose

Mandy05 I don’t think anyone is saying that you want this guy or wish to seek a relationship with him. We are basing our responses on the facts you shared about all of a sudden having some “feelings” for him which are making you uncomfortable.

What we are saying are those odd all of a sudden feeling may be a way your emotions are attempting to mask the deep hurt you feel from the ending of your relationship with a distraction. Keep exploring your motives, like you said maybe he appealed to you because you saw him buying things for his current GF and wished someone was buying you nice things.

I don’t see this becoming a major issue for you because you know exactly what he is about, he’s a player and you don’t want that. Maybe go back to keeping him at arm’s length and limit your contact with him until these feelings inside of you fade away.

AnvilheadII

it could be that you are subconsciously drawn to emotionally unavailable or just plain ole UNAVAILABLE people/men. it's part of the Come Here/Go Away game that can get played in unhealthy relationships. you "think" you want what you cannot have.....because of some interior belief that you never WILL.....

you WANT a healthy loving relationship.
however the relationship with "Mark" was NOT.
and you struggled trying to merge to two.....what you WANT and REALITY.

it's probably a super good idea to have yourself a proper MAN BAN for a while til you get things sorted out. DEcomplicate your life, let your thoughts settle, start pulling on those loose strings with the help of your therapist.

Mandy05

Thank you. ❤️ Yeah I thought some of the response people thought I was trying to date him or fill a void. But you're so right and I am distancing myself because I am so confused as.tonwhy it made me feel worse? And I wanted mark even more! Like just crazy. I think it's because I saw how much he admired her and appreciated her and I was drawn to that because I hope to have a guy one day that talks about me to other females and buys me stuff for no reason. I really want true genuine love. So I'm hoping I will get that. I saw that in my friend, but I get what you mean now. Thank you and I think you are right. I don't want a guy to buy me things like I'm a gold digger but Mark never bought me things "just because". And never really showed his love through action. It was refreshing to see my friend who is like a complete mess and worse than mark treat his woman so good. I guess I wish I had someone like that. ❤️

Mandy05

Yeah you're right. Me and my friend were always platonic but maybe just even hanging with platonic male friends will mess with my head right now. Thank you for commenting. ❤️

firebolt

MAN BAN?! Dying!

dandylion

Mandy....you are still in the grieving period from the break-up. This is likely to continue for some time...for weeks to months...depending on the person, of course.
Once, when I went through a very painful break-up, and was grieving terribly...I tried to distract myself by dating...some very attractive men...and, it only make me feel worse...It took me about 6 months to get over that.

I see these as normal desires...to w ant someone to care deeply and sincerely for you...Just take care of yourself and work on your own issues, for now....

Now that you have explained it...I can see that you are not thinking of pursuing that guy. That is good.

I don't think you are confused...I think you are just still grieving.....

Mandy05

Thank you dandylion. ❤️ Yeah I don't want my friend. I am just uncomfortable with the feelings I have. I especially don't want him when he's with someone, but even if he was single I never would date him because he has (please I'm not trying to be mean) mental issues and drug issues out the ass! Like he's worse than my ex from what I seen. He's worse to women. Or at least use to be. He was snippy or would be rude to me sometimes which would bring me to separate from him. He also was a trash can and addicted to everything. So, I wouldn't date him for that. He's just good as a friend. And that's how we both mutually kept it. I am so confused as to why I missed mark even more though, and I thought about him the whole time we were out, like wanting him back. I'm thinking "you want someone who isn't in love with you and disrespects you back?" I couldn't fathom what I was thinking.

You're right. I think it's grieving too. I appreciate you giving some insight. I'm just really confused and I just don't want to like my friend, but I don't think I do. I just think I saw a side to him that I admired and I wish mark was like that or something. Because he talked about his girlfriend constantly and he had a smile on his face as he was talking about her. It was very nice to see that.