Some good news?
 

Hi all,

I heard from my lawyer yesterday that my ex (the alcoholic in my life) has signed off on a consent agreement that specifies that Kid resides full-time with me and that he will have access under conditions specified in the agreement (short visits, no overnights, continuously monitored by SoberLink, no driving).

On the one hand this is nothing new - it just formalizes the status quo of the past year and a half, since ex had a major meltdown and Kid came to stay with me full-time rather than 50/50.

On the other hand, it's important because with ex's signoff, I can now have this agreement filed in court as a variation to our old divorce order which specified shared parenting. This means that it will legally enforceable, and that ex can't make a lot of noise about wanting Kid to live with him again and/or having unrestricted access to Kid. If he wants more time with Kid, the burden will now be on him to prove that primary residence with me is not in Kid's best interests. It secures Kid's future (and mine too), as until now I have been (technically) in violation of our divorce order for the last year and a half.

This is far from the end of the road - ex still isn't paying child support and I will have to continue with the court route to get him to meet his financial responsibilities. He will also continue to be in Kid's life and therefore in mine, but with this legal piece taken care of, his ability to interfere in our lives is reduced.

I will continue to keep everyone posted, and to everyone else in my situation, don't give up!

This is great news, Sasha! Every court order you can get in place regarding visitation and child support is another slice of bread ... eventually you'll have a full loaf! You are right, it is a huge weight off to be able to show he is in violation of a court order, not just your say so as primary parent. Your kid is blessed to have you fighting for her.

GM

So glad to hear this Sasha. It is indeed a long hard journey.

This is wonderful!

Won't he owe even more child support now since it's being filed child lives w/you full time??

I am so happy for you!

Thanks! And yes, his arrears (going back to when Kid began to live with me full time) is currently somewhere in the neighbourhood of $15-20K, depending on how you count his share of Kid's extracurricular activities. I'm sure ex doesn't have that kind of spare money lying around - but neither do I, and I've spent it anyway so Kid could have a good life.

Wow. I am stunned and just beyond happy for you. I can only imagine how relieved you must feel, even if some financial issues remain. Congratulations.

So glad to see you at this point after all your effort. It certainly gives me some hope! (My first GAL meeting is tomorrow...)

Great news - over one big and important hurdle.

Yay, yay, yah, good news! So happy for you. 😁

I know you must feel a lot of relief with this, Sasha! This is good news...hugs to you and your Kiddo!!

Wonderful news, Sasha!!!

What you have is what I hope to have when it gets to that point! You're an inspiration!

Update: a bit more good news:

We had a court date yesterday, at which the judge signed an order amending our divorce agreement to establishes that Kid lives with me full time. So now it is as legal as it could possibly be. The judge also signed an order entitling me to full child support going forward and to child support arrears to be paid off at so many dollars per month. There is still disagreement as to when the clock started ticking for arrears, so we go back to court in a couple of weeks, I believe that that will not be a huge deal, as the judge accepted in principle that I was entitled to full child support while Kid was living with me full time, so what remains for me to do is to show that Kid really was living with me full time the whole time, which is not difficult to prove.

Ex did not show up (again) for court. His lawyer, who represented him in court, also can't find him. I suspect he is at the bottom of a bottle. His lawyer essentially caved, saying "okay, we'll consent to this" to the items on my "wish list". My lawyer was excellent - calm and low-key and very pragmatic.

The child support order is enforceable by local agencies - I expect that actually collecting the $$ will be a challenge for them, especially if ex gets fired (he's been off work for two years) but it's in their hands, not mine. They have the power to garnish wages, put liens on property and vehicles, seize financial assets etc - which doesn't help a whole lot with someone who no longer owns property or a vehicle, may not be employed for much longer, and has blown through all his savings. But in any case, it's not my job to chase after him.

My advice here would be

a) persistence - keep your eye on the goal. In my case, it was legal recognition that Kid lives with me and that her access to her father is dependent on SoberLink - the child support was secondary;


b) find the best, calmest lawyer you can. The more your lawyer resembles a Vulcan, the better;

c) don't be distracted any more than you have to be by the day-to-day freakouts of the alcoholic - this is a long game;

d) document document document everything you can and make sure your lawyer knows what you've got (one factor in my good outcome was that ex's lawyer knew that I had hundreds of pages of documentation and correspondence going back several years that demonstrated ex's problems with addiction and mental illness, and that by settling my claim rather than going to trial, all this documentation would stay out of the public record);

e) remember that the only thing anyone cares about is the well-being of the child - so all other drunken antics or bad behavior are irrelevant unless they bear directly on the child's safety.

I will continue to keep you all posted, and I really appreciate the support and interest that people have shown on this board. I'm especially thinking of CentralOhioDad, CoParentToA and baw81, who are all in this boat too.

Vulcan lawyers!!

Yes!!!! This is wonderful!

Amazing: and such good advice, too. Should be a sticky!!

Thank you for the additional update, and the advice about the process. It helps calm me a bit that maybe it WILL work out for the best.