New Here, Old Story
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 5
New Here, Old Story
I'm new here, but I'm willing to bet my story is all too familiar. I also apologize in advance for the length of this post.
My husband is a "functional" alcoholic. He runs a successful small business. The bills get paid (well, mostly, but more about that in a minute). He is very active in local politics. He's a devoted father and grandfather.
He also drinks, all day, every day, even at the office.
He rarely gets so drunk that it's noticeable to those around him - his tolerance, of course, is very high. He manages to take care of business, so even those people who know he has a problem - employees, our grown children, our immediate families - don't realize the extent of it.
I, on the other hand, deal with it 24/7. The individual I live and work with today is not the man I met 20 years ago. The motivated, humorous, loving guy I married is now a self-centered, manipulative bully. Nothing is ever his fault, and if gets into a situation he can't blame on someone else, he's "depressed and suicidal." Any mention of his drinking turns into a 30-minute diatribe about what's wrong with me.
Over the years his drinking has led to him being threatened with physical violence by strangers, being detained and nearly jailed while deplaning for being belligerent and verbally abusive towards flight attendants, being verbally abusive to both me and our waitress while out to dinner with co-workers, and shooting at the neighbor's house with a high-powered air-rifle, to say nothing of drinking and driving (Every. Single. Day.).
This is, of course, just the tip of the iceberg, but these things don't happen every day, or even every month - well, except for the drinking and driving - so he doesn't view them as a problem, especially since he's never been popped for a DUI. But they're beginning to happen more frequently, and the money his habit costs is now alarming - twice he 's drained our checking account in order to be able to buy vodka (and cheap vodka, at that) and marijuana. He's actually spent the grocery money on drugs and alcohol and he's not in he least bit repentant about it. I recently calculated that he's taking between $5,200 and $6,400 a year out of our checking account on what he refers to as "pocket money."
I understand the need to focus on myself and not his drinking, and in the last few years have made great strides in that direction. I've cultivated hobbies and interests outside of our marriage and workplace, and it's gotten to the point where we rarely talk about anything that isn't superficial. This upsets him even more, and we drift further and further apart.
I can't see living like this for the rest of my life - I certainly don't want to spend my "golden years" caring for an end-stage alcoholic - but the thought of starting completely over at 55 is so daunting. I'll literally be leaving everything behind; the house, car and company are all his, and on my own I don't have the money for an attorney. I'm looking for another job, but it becoming more and more apparent that I am going to have to take a serious cut in salary, and I will have no financial resources to help me leave.
As the kids would say, FML.
My husband is a "functional" alcoholic. He runs a successful small business. The bills get paid (well, mostly, but more about that in a minute). He is very active in local politics. He's a devoted father and grandfather.
He also drinks, all day, every day, even at the office.
He rarely gets so drunk that it's noticeable to those around him - his tolerance, of course, is very high. He manages to take care of business, so even those people who know he has a problem - employees, our grown children, our immediate families - don't realize the extent of it.
I, on the other hand, deal with it 24/7. The individual I live and work with today is not the man I met 20 years ago. The motivated, humorous, loving guy I married is now a self-centered, manipulative bully. Nothing is ever his fault, and if gets into a situation he can't blame on someone else, he's "depressed and suicidal." Any mention of his drinking turns into a 30-minute diatribe about what's wrong with me.
Over the years his drinking has led to him being threatened with physical violence by strangers, being detained and nearly jailed while deplaning for being belligerent and verbally abusive towards flight attendants, being verbally abusive to both me and our waitress while out to dinner with co-workers, and shooting at the neighbor's house with a high-powered air-rifle, to say nothing of drinking and driving (Every. Single. Day.).
This is, of course, just the tip of the iceberg, but these things don't happen every day, or even every month - well, except for the drinking and driving - so he doesn't view them as a problem, especially since he's never been popped for a DUI. But they're beginning to happen more frequently, and the money his habit costs is now alarming - twice he 's drained our checking account in order to be able to buy vodka (and cheap vodka, at that) and marijuana. He's actually spent the grocery money on drugs and alcohol and he's not in he least bit repentant about it. I recently calculated that he's taking between $5,200 and $6,400 a year out of our checking account on what he refers to as "pocket money."
I understand the need to focus on myself and not his drinking, and in the last few years have made great strides in that direction. I've cultivated hobbies and interests outside of our marriage and workplace, and it's gotten to the point where we rarely talk about anything that isn't superficial. This upsets him even more, and we drift further and further apart.
I can't see living like this for the rest of my life - I certainly don't want to spend my "golden years" caring for an end-stage alcoholic - but the thought of starting completely over at 55 is so daunting. I'll literally be leaving everything behind; the house, car and company are all his, and on my own I don't have the money for an attorney. I'm looking for another job, but it becoming more and more apparent that I am going to have to take a serious cut in salary, and I will have no financial resources to help me leave.
As the kids would say, FML.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
jpooh....if you are legally married to him and live in the United States...you do h ave rights! Who told you that you don't?
I am going to give you a list of action that you can take...if you choose to...
1. Read the following articles in our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effect on the loved ones. There are enough for you to read one every single day! H ere is the link. they are also in the stickies at the top of the threads.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
2. Start going to alanon...this will give you a lot of emotional support
3. Order and read the book "Co-Dependent No More". It is a real eye opener
4. Call the following places and ask them for a referral to low cost legal services....(1) Your local domestic violence organization...you don't have to give your name and everything is confidential. They can refer you to many kinds of help that you are likely to need , right now. (you don't have to be hit to call them). (2)Call your local county government for referral to legal services and other help and resources that you may qualify for. You may be surprised at the help that is available..
I am going to give you the following link to a site that is educational, in nature about divorce...and almost every area that is involved in divorce. It is arranged by state. It can inform you and help you organize your thoughts and know what questions to ask.
www.womansdivorce.com
Please don't top posting...and, keep educating yourself. You do have options. There Is help available. You are not alone.
I am going to give you a list of action that you can take...if you choose to...
1. Read the following articles in our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effect on the loved ones. There are enough for you to read one every single day! H ere is the link. they are also in the stickies at the top of the threads.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
2. Start going to alanon...this will give you a lot of emotional support
3. Order and read the book "Co-Dependent No More". It is a real eye opener
4. Call the following places and ask them for a referral to low cost legal services....(1) Your local domestic violence organization...you don't have to give your name and everything is confidential. They can refer you to many kinds of help that you are likely to need , right now. (you don't have to be hit to call them). (2)Call your local county government for referral to legal services and other help and resources that you may qualify for. You may be surprised at the help that is available..
I am going to give you the following link to a site that is educational, in nature about divorce...and almost every area that is involved in divorce. It is arranged by state. It can inform you and help you organize your thoughts and know what questions to ask.
www.womansdivorce.com
Please don't top posting...and, keep educating yourself. You do have options. There Is help available. You are not alone.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 5
I didn't say I don't have rights. I said that leaving is problematic financially because HE makes most of the money and the house, car and business are all in his name. If I want out of this marriage, I'm going to have to leave, and I don't/won't have the money to leave AND get an attorney.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
jpooh.....I am hearing what you are saying about financial difficulties of divorce...but, I believe that you have the rights to more financial distribution that you think....
www.womansdivorce.com
Another thought...55 is not old! You still have another whole lifetime to enjoy. Don't buy into this culture's attitudes on aging....so much of it is twisted and just wrong...lol...
I do agree that you wouldn't enjoy it if you are playing nurse to an end-stage alcoholic....
www.womansdivorce.com
Another thought...55 is not old! You still have another whole lifetime to enjoy. Don't buy into this culture's attitudes on aging....so much of it is twisted and just wrong...lol...
I do agree that you wouldn't enjoy it if you are playing nurse to an end-stage alcoholic....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
20 years of legal marriage entitles you to a whole lot.
I was also married for over two decades to a functioning alcoholic. Much of what you describe was my life too. He always provided well for us, but he was financially irresponsible in so many ways...and he was not honest about it. (Honesty and alcoholism don't get along so well)
When I decided to leave I was ready to struggle, because I knew I had gotten to the point that struggling in poverty would have been preferable to living codependently with a drunk... but as it turned out, I received my fair share of equity in a lump sum payment and then monthly spousal support, that then combined with my working income had me living more comfortably financially than when I was cohabitating with him. I don't mean I had more money coming in, I did not, what I mean was my money sure went a lot farther when it was being properly managed by ME and not used on alcohol and other stupid/unnecessary things purchased with credit...
Like you I did not want to spend the last half of my life mired in my codependence and his alcoholism. For me the only healthy solution was to extract myself from the situation. It was not easy and it hurt like hell, but it has been worth it. My anxiety disorder is gone and I live a happy, healthy life. I now look forward to my "golden years" in a way that was never possible when I was married to an alcoholic.
Good Luck to you which ever path you choose to take.
Hugs.
I was also married for over two decades to a functioning alcoholic. Much of what you describe was my life too. He always provided well for us, but he was financially irresponsible in so many ways...and he was not honest about it. (Honesty and alcoholism don't get along so well)
When I decided to leave I was ready to struggle, because I knew I had gotten to the point that struggling in poverty would have been preferable to living codependently with a drunk... but as it turned out, I received my fair share of equity in a lump sum payment and then monthly spousal support, that then combined with my working income had me living more comfortably financially than when I was cohabitating with him. I don't mean I had more money coming in, I did not, what I mean was my money sure went a lot farther when it was being properly managed by ME and not used on alcohol and other stupid/unnecessary things purchased with credit...
Like you I did not want to spend the last half of my life mired in my codependence and his alcoholism. For me the only healthy solution was to extract myself from the situation. It was not easy and it hurt like hell, but it has been worth it. My anxiety disorder is gone and I live a happy, healthy life. I now look forward to my "golden years" in a way that was never possible when I was married to an alcoholic.
Good Luck to you which ever path you choose to take.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
jpooy, 55 is EXACTLY how old I was when I finally divorced XAH and started over. This is b/c I saw the oncoming train at 49, but told myself I didn't want to be 50 and starting over...good call, hey?
It may seem that you are facing financial ruin if you leave him. However, consider how much he has cost you already AND how much it could potentially cost if he caused a car accident while drunk that killed or crippled someone? The lawsuit? The medical bills? And on and on.
You're right to be looking at getting out.
Hope you keep reading and posting, and hope you check into Alanon.
It may seem that you are facing financial ruin if you leave him. However, consider how much he has cost you already AND how much it could potentially cost if he caused a car accident while drunk that killed or crippled someone? The lawsuit? The medical bills? And on and on.
You're right to be looking at getting out.
Hope you keep reading and posting, and hope you check into Alanon.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Do some research on what it actually takes to care of an end stage alcoholic and I am guessing that will hurry along your decision to want to start over, without him.
It sounds like a miserable existence quite frankly. He is a danger to society. I agree, Alanon sounds like the right move, along with a good attorney.
So sorry. However, you deserve so much more.
It sounds like a miserable existence quite frankly. He is a danger to society. I agree, Alanon sounds like the right move, along with a good attorney.
So sorry. However, you deserve so much more.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
If your husband is at the point where he's driving drunk every day and his consumption is ramping up (if more money is disappearing from your checking account), I think you're looking at financial stress in your future whether you leave or stay - the only decision you have to make is whether you want to add the stresses of looking after an increasingly disabled alcoholic on top of the financial stuff.
My experience with an ex-husband who sounds a lot like yours (married for decades, "functional alcoholic", drinking slowly getting worse) is that he got a lot worse very rapidly. He went from being someone who "had a bit of a problem" with alcohol but managed to remain functional in a high-status profession to a dysfunctional alcoholic, out of work and probably unemployable, with criminal charges and rapidly multiplying medical problems. And no sign that he's moderated his drinking. If I had stayed with him, I would be a lot worse off than I am now, and I would have been miserable to boot.
Can you shop around a bit by booking consultations with different lawyers (most will not charge for a consultation) to get a sense of what your rights are in your state? I suspect you have more rights than you think to the marital assets.
My experience with an ex-husband who sounds a lot like yours (married for decades, "functional alcoholic", drinking slowly getting worse) is that he got a lot worse very rapidly. He went from being someone who "had a bit of a problem" with alcohol but managed to remain functional in a high-status profession to a dysfunctional alcoholic, out of work and probably unemployable, with criminal charges and rapidly multiplying medical problems. And no sign that he's moderated his drinking. If I had stayed with him, I would be a lot worse off than I am now, and I would have been miserable to boot.
Can you shop around a bit by booking consultations with different lawyers (most will not charge for a consultation) to get a sense of what your rights are in your state? I suspect you have more rights than you think to the marital assets.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
I'm really sorry, that does sound miserable. I am in a similar boat as you are. On the mature side, very little money and no hopes of living in anything but poverty. Our four oldest children are out on their own, I still have two boys at home, one with special needs. The resources Dandylion gave you are spot on. Once you start exploring the resources available, you will become more hopeful and think...I can do this and I'll be happier and less stressed, able to enjoy life. There are free lawyers for low income people, look it up online for your state. So many resources are available to us, there is hope!!! 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 5
Thank you all.
There is more to all of this, naturally. I've read Co-Dependent No More. I've tried Al-Anon and it was not really my cup of tea. I saw a counselor until I could no longer afford it. I've also spent a great deal of time researching the long-term effects of alcoholism and have a very good understanding of what it would be like to care for an end-stage alcoholic, which is why I definitely do not want to do it.
We've been together for 20 years, but only married for 10; his drinking started to become more than I could deal with about 7 years ago. I've dealt with the cycle of bad behavior, promises to quit, a period where things are much better, followed by a return to drinking more times than I care to admit.
He is so adept at hiding his drinking that I couldn't even begin to tell you how much he's drinking right now; truth be told, I no longer care. In fact, we're currently in the "promises to quit" phase because he caught me looking for another job about a week ago, but since he refuses to get any sort of professional help I don't expect that this one will be any more successful than all the previous attempts.
I have pretty much resigned myself to if not living in poverty, living considerably beneath my current means, but my youngest just graduated from college and I'm going to be helping him pay his student loans for quite some time, especially those my husband co-signed for. I've been looking for another job since the beginning of the year, and I've already dropped my salary requirements twice; today I told a prospective employer that I would like to make $17/hr, which is about half of my current salary. I'm afraid that is still too high - I'm a middle-aged woman who has worked in her husband's business for the last 13 years. I'm not exactly generating a lot of excitement in the job market.
When we've discussed divorce before, he says he wants to keep the house, which he bought before we married, and he'll want to keep the car (we only have one, since we live and work together); I have no interest in the business at all. I'd rather just walk away than face the protracted battle that will ensue if I ask for anything other than my personal belongings and some of the furniture, especially since he can afford an attorney and I cannot. Both of us have been married before, and his first wife took 60% of everything they had, including all of their liquid assets, and he will fight not to have that happen again.
I don't want to talk to him about divorce until I've gotten another job; he could make life very difficult for me if I have to live with him after I state my intentions. I am also hesitant to talk to him about it unless he's relatively sober, but I no longer know when that is. To put it very simply, I am afraid and feeling pretty helpless right now.
I guess I just need to vent. Thank you for listening.
There is more to all of this, naturally. I've read Co-Dependent No More. I've tried Al-Anon and it was not really my cup of tea. I saw a counselor until I could no longer afford it. I've also spent a great deal of time researching the long-term effects of alcoholism and have a very good understanding of what it would be like to care for an end-stage alcoholic, which is why I definitely do not want to do it.
We've been together for 20 years, but only married for 10; his drinking started to become more than I could deal with about 7 years ago. I've dealt with the cycle of bad behavior, promises to quit, a period where things are much better, followed by a return to drinking more times than I care to admit.
He is so adept at hiding his drinking that I couldn't even begin to tell you how much he's drinking right now; truth be told, I no longer care. In fact, we're currently in the "promises to quit" phase because he caught me looking for another job about a week ago, but since he refuses to get any sort of professional help I don't expect that this one will be any more successful than all the previous attempts.
I have pretty much resigned myself to if not living in poverty, living considerably beneath my current means, but my youngest just graduated from college and I'm going to be helping him pay his student loans for quite some time, especially those my husband co-signed for. I've been looking for another job since the beginning of the year, and I've already dropped my salary requirements twice; today I told a prospective employer that I would like to make $17/hr, which is about half of my current salary. I'm afraid that is still too high - I'm a middle-aged woman who has worked in her husband's business for the last 13 years. I'm not exactly generating a lot of excitement in the job market.
When we've discussed divorce before, he says he wants to keep the house, which he bought before we married, and he'll want to keep the car (we only have one, since we live and work together); I have no interest in the business at all. I'd rather just walk away than face the protracted battle that will ensue if I ask for anything other than my personal belongings and some of the furniture, especially since he can afford an attorney and I cannot. Both of us have been married before, and his first wife took 60% of everything they had, including all of their liquid assets, and he will fight not to have that happen again.
I don't want to talk to him about divorce until I've gotten another job; he could make life very difficult for me if I have to live with him after I state my intentions. I am also hesitant to talk to him about it unless he's relatively sober, but I no longer know when that is. To put it very simply, I am afraid and feeling pretty helpless right now.
I guess I just need to vent. Thank you for listening.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 199
Originally Posted by SmallButMighty 
20 years of legal marriage entitles you to a whole lot.
I was also married for over two decades to a functioning alcoholic. Much of what you describe was my life too. He always provided well for us, but he was financially irresponsible in so many ways...and he was not honest about it. (Honesty and alcoholism don't get along so well)
When I decided to leave I was ready to struggle, because I knew I had gotten to the point that struggling in poverty would have been preferable to living codependently with a drunk... but as it turned out, I received my fair share of equity in a lump sum payment and then monthly spousal support, that then combined with my working income had me living more comfortably financially than when I was cohabitating with him. I don't mean I had more money coming in, I did not, what I mean was my money sure went a lot farther when it was being properly managed by ME and not used on alcohol and other stupid/unnecessary things purchased with credit...
Like you I did not want to spend the last half of my life mired in my codependence and his alcoholism. For me the only healthy solution was to extract myself from the situation. It was not easy and it hurt like hell, but it has been worth it. My anxiety disorder is gone and I live a happy, healthy life. I now look forward to my "golden years" in a way that was never possible when I was married to an alcoholic.
Good Luck to you which ever path you choose to take.
Hugs.
I was also married for over two decades to a functioning alcoholic. Much of what you describe was my life too. He always provided well for us, but he was financially irresponsible in so many ways...and he was not honest about it. (Honesty and alcoholism don't get along so well)
When I decided to leave I was ready to struggle, because I knew I had gotten to the point that struggling in poverty would have been preferable to living codependently with a drunk... but as it turned out, I received my fair share of equity in a lump sum payment and then monthly spousal support, that then combined with my working income had me living more comfortably financially than when I was cohabitating with him. I don't mean I had more money coming in, I did not, what I mean was my money sure went a lot farther when it was being properly managed by ME and not used on alcohol and other stupid/unnecessary things purchased with credit...
Like you I did not want to spend the last half of my life mired in my codependence and his alcoholism. For me the only healthy solution was to extract myself from the situation. It was not easy and it hurt like hell, but it has been worth it. My anxiety disorder is gone and I live a happy, healthy life. I now look forward to my "golden years" in a way that was never possible when I was married to an alcoholic.
Good Luck to you which ever path you choose to take.
Hugs.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
jpooh.....I do not believe that 10yrs. of marriage and working in his company....that you would receive only zero.
You seem resistant to getting legal advice...at least, from what I can gather from what you share....
Even if you can't afford a lawyer...(at the average cost)...you can still get legal advice....
The local domestic abuse organization can help you get very low cost legal advice...your county social services can help you find low cost legal counseling....
Did you read the website that I gave you...for your state...?
Most lawyers will give you free first consultation by phone..or person (you could call several of them)...
If you don't want legal advice...that, of course, is your call....
But, please don't go on saying that it impossible to be had....
There are women living in homeless shelters who manage to get legal advice (where there is a will...there is a way)....
I might be wrong, of course, but, I get the feeling that you are afraid of your husband...
If that is true....you need support for that, too. That is here for you if you should you w ant/need it....
You are not alone.....
You seem resistant to getting legal advice...at least, from what I can gather from what you share....
Even if you can't afford a lawyer...(at the average cost)...you can still get legal advice....
The local domestic abuse organization can help you get very low cost legal advice...your county social services can help you find low cost legal counseling....
Did you read the website that I gave you...for your state...?
Most lawyers will give you free first consultation by phone..or person (you could call several of them)...
If you don't want legal advice...that, of course, is your call....
But, please don't go on saying that it impossible to be had....
There are women living in homeless shelters who manage to get legal advice (where there is a will...there is a way)....
I might be wrong, of course, but, I get the feeling that you are afraid of your husband...
If that is true....you need support for that, too. That is here for you if you should you w ant/need it....
You are not alone.....
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 15
I just wanted to chime in to agree--in my first marriage I had been married 10 years at the time of filing, 11 years by the time it was final.
My ex earned significantly more than I did, owned a property in his name only apart from our jointly owned home...long story short he had a big head and an affair he thought he could keep under wraps, and told me he "fell out of love with me."
I consulted a lawyer and after trying much pleading and counseling, I ended up being the one filing for divorce. Much to my surprise, I was entitled to half of everything, as at 10 years, my lawyer told me that it would all be looked upon by any reasonable judge as marital property. I even got half the house that only had his name on the deed.
Hang in there and consult an attorney, and take care of yourself.
My ex earned significantly more than I did, owned a property in his name only apart from our jointly owned home...long story short he had a big head and an affair he thought he could keep under wraps, and told me he "fell out of love with me."
I consulted a lawyer and after trying much pleading and counseling, I ended up being the one filing for divorce. Much to my surprise, I was entitled to half of everything, as at 10 years, my lawyer told me that it would all be looked upon by any reasonable judge as marital property. I even got half the house that only had his name on the deed.
Hang in there and consult an attorney, and take care of yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 5
So, basically what you're all saying is that I should:
All righty then.
Afraid of him? Of course I'm afraid of him - it's one of the reasons I want out.
There has GOT to be a sane way to do this that doesn't include the list above.
- Use what little savings I have to get an attorney
- Take a job that will pay too little for me to support myself and pay my son's student loans because poverty is preferable to my current situation
- Live under that same roof with the alcoholic I'm divorcing and allow him to make me even more miserable than he does now for an unknown amount of time because I've spent all my money on a lawyer and can't move out
- Force him to sell the house he owned before we were married and make him give me half of what his first wife left of his retirement accounts. Oh, and on the flip side of that, I'll be responsible for half his debt, too, which is not inconsiderable. While living in poverty because it will be preferable to what I'm dealing with now.
All righty then.
Afraid of him? Of course I'm afraid of him - it's one of the reasons I want out.
There has GOT to be a sane way to do this that doesn't include the list above.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
If you are afraid of him and if he has either physically OR emotionally abused you in any way, ever, then you are entitled to go to a womens shelter. Not to live there, but to receive counseling and an advocate. Usually for free. They are very familiar with situations such as these and will be prepared to advise you.
That is where I would start.
That is where I would start.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
jpooh.....No...the above is not what I am saying, at all....
The reason that I am responding to you is because I am concerned that you feel afraid and helpless....
I just don't want you to make some assumptions that may not be true, just because you don't have a legally knowledgable person to inform you...
No one, here, is going to strong-arm you to do anything that you don't want to do....
You know your husband (and, we don't)....so, if you are afraid of him....I am sure that you have good reason.
This is, also, why I think that the dv support people or support group would be a better choice for you, at this time, than alanon...Nothing against alanon, of course, but the groups that I mention may be more specific to your situation and needs, right now.
Believe me...the more support that you get, the easier this will be for you....
The cost that I am talking about is in the neighborhood of 75 to about 150 dollars...for low cost in-office legal help....Or nothing for the 1/2 hour first consultations....and, you can always call more than one for the free consultations...to see if they are saying the same general things....
***If you talk to a dv counselor...you could probably get someone to walk you through the paperwork and the steps that you will need to do when filing for divorce and staying safe from your husband.....
I hope that you will continue to post here and vent if you need to....
The reason that I am responding to you is because I am concerned that you feel afraid and helpless....
I just don't want you to make some assumptions that may not be true, just because you don't have a legally knowledgable person to inform you...
No one, here, is going to strong-arm you to do anything that you don't want to do....
You know your husband (and, we don't)....so, if you are afraid of him....I am sure that you have good reason.
This is, also, why I think that the dv support people or support group would be a better choice for you, at this time, than alanon...Nothing against alanon, of course, but the groups that I mention may be more specific to your situation and needs, right now.
Believe me...the more support that you get, the easier this will be for you....
The cost that I am talking about is in the neighborhood of 75 to about 150 dollars...for low cost in-office legal help....Or nothing for the 1/2 hour first consultations....and, you can always call more than one for the free consultations...to see if they are saying the same general things....
***If you talk to a dv counselor...you could probably get someone to walk you through the paperwork and the steps that you will need to do when filing for divorce and staying safe from your husband.....
I hope that you will continue to post here and vent if you need to....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
jpooh, I think people are just telling you that it's a really good idea to get FACTS before deciding for or against a course of action. To assume that you'd come out of a divorce penniless and in fact worse off than while married to your AH is a mighty big assumption to make, based on nothing more than worse-case fears. It will not cost you "all your money" simply to get a consult w/a lawyer and find out where you stand. You can learn what your rights are AND find out how much you could expect a divorce to cost. The consult is for asking questions like that.
In my case, I was filing for divorce but wasn't sure how on earth I'd swing the cost of my own health insurance after divorce, "Affordable Care Act" or not. Getting a legal separation would allow me to remain on my AH's health insurance through his job, BUT as far as I could tell w/my internet research, it would NOT protect me from any debts he ran up after the separation, which was a concern for me.
However, after consulting a lawyer, I learned that a legal separation would protect me from any debts incurred by my AH after the separation, and I'd also be able to stay on his health insurance.
Based on this new info, I filed for a separation instead and avoided paying $400+ a month for the health insurance required by law. We ended up divorcing anyway, but by that time, I was preparing to start a new job where I could carry my own health insurance. That "free consult" saved me well over $1000 in those few months.
Don't assume you know how things will go for you b/c of what you read on an internet site or what happened to your friend's sister's babysitter. Your situation is unique, and some competent legal advice could change everything for you.
In my case, I was filing for divorce but wasn't sure how on earth I'd swing the cost of my own health insurance after divorce, "Affordable Care Act" or not. Getting a legal separation would allow me to remain on my AH's health insurance through his job, BUT as far as I could tell w/my internet research, it would NOT protect me from any debts he ran up after the separation, which was a concern for me.
However, after consulting a lawyer, I learned that a legal separation would protect me from any debts incurred by my AH after the separation, and I'd also be able to stay on his health insurance.
Based on this new info, I filed for a separation instead and avoided paying $400+ a month for the health insurance required by law. We ended up divorcing anyway, but by that time, I was preparing to start a new job where I could carry my own health insurance. That "free consult" saved me well over $1000 in those few months.
Don't assume you know how things will go for you b/c of what you read on an internet site or what happened to your friend's sister's babysitter. Your situation is unique, and some competent legal advice could change everything for you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 182
Originally Posted by jpooh22
So, basically what you're all saying is that I should:
All righty then.
Afraid of him? Of course I'm afraid of him - it's one of the reasons I want out.
There has GOT to be a sane way to do this that doesn't include the list above.
- Use what little savings I have to get an attorney
- Take a job that will pay too little for me to support myself and pay my son's student loans because poverty is preferable to my current situation
- Live under that same roof with the alcoholic I'm divorcing and allow him to make me even more miserable than he does now for an unknown amount of time because I've spent all my money on a lawyer and can't move out
- Force him to sell the house he owned before we were married and make him give me half of what his first wife left of his retirement accounts. Oh, and on the flip side of that, I'll be responsible for half his debt, too, which is not inconsiderable. While living in poverty because it will be preferable to what I'm dealing with now.
All righty then.
Afraid of him? Of course I'm afraid of him - it's one of the reasons I want out.
There has GOT to be a sane way to do this that doesn't include the list above.
You sound very closed off to the suggestions from Dandy and I imagine that's due to several things - maybe fear, maybe stress, maybe exhaustion, maybe misinformation. Please just consider what she has said. Many of us have walked your path and if you go a different way, we're still here to support you, but we can also help you move toward a new life if that's what you want. Wishing you some peace right now.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Why do you have to pay your son's student loans? My kids are paying off their own.
You can ask for 50% of assets regardless of who bought them. I bought my house pre exah but he got all of it ( long back story on here somewhere). I don'y think you will have to pay off debts in his name either
It's amazing how you can manage on much less money if you have too. I have. I am 57 and I started again. You can too if you really want to you will find a way. Dandy has given you some sterling advice. I think you are still at the making excuses stage tho. If you need a push read The Immortal Alcoholic blog. It makes chilling reading about being a golden years carer for an alcoholic who basically limps on into his 80's leaving his poor wife aged herself, in debt with nothing when he dies.
You can ask for 50% of assets regardless of who bought them. I bought my house pre exah but he got all of it ( long back story on here somewhere). I don'y think you will have to pay off debts in his name either
It's amazing how you can manage on much less money if you have too. I have. I am 57 and I started again. You can too if you really want to you will find a way. Dandy has given you some sterling advice. I think you are still at the making excuses stage tho. If you need a push read The Immortal Alcoholic blog. It makes chilling reading about being a golden years carer for an alcoholic who basically limps on into his 80's leaving his poor wife aged herself, in debt with nothing when he dies.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 60
Hi. I wanted to say that I'm sorry for your situation. When I read what you have written, the overwhelming feeling I get from it is that you feel hopeless and trapped. I'm so sorry. What a miserable, awful way to feel.
I also wanted to say that if you are not going to move out or file for divorce today, that doesn't mean you can't do something today. I think you need a plan. I would start by figuring out how much money you will need to get your own place and move out, and then I would start putting away cash toward that. A little at a time and it will eventually add up to give you what you need. You already feel trapped; why not feel a little bit of hope?
It may also be that you have decided you would rather tolerate your current circumstances and lifestyle than undertake what you would consider a downgrade and degradation in lifestyle. That's something only you can decide.
You can make a decision to stay put but ALSO to start building a stash of cash in case you want to bug out. That may be something that ultimately gives you some peace, which is the main thing you may have a bit of control over and may be able to introduce into your life. Then it may be that you want more, and since you'll already have started a little stash, it may motivate you to build it faster or make some more concrete plans.
Cars and houses and stuff, that's all great. But it's just stuff. You do need a minimum amount of stuff in order to meet your basic needs, but it is amazing how little that really is.
It does sound as though things are starting to spiral faster for your husband. If you wait it out, will you inherit all of the "stuff" that is in his name? If that answer is yes, are you sure? I might focus on that if your plan is to stick it out.
There is a term called "catastrophizing," which I think is partially what you are doing here. I recognize it because I have done it myself. You are not going to have the life you thought you were going to have when you married this guy. That's what "might have been." What you do have is "what is." I have noticed that the difference between people who spiral downward in a series of awful decisions and the people who end up okay somehow is that the latter group did their best to work with the resources they had to maximize them, and really thought things through. You're clearly an intelligent person. You have the capacity to do that. But you're going to need to move past the "FML" and catastrophizing stage before you're able to.
Everybody has resources. You need to figure out what yours are, marshal them, and start to use them to build a plan. You can do this.
I wish you the very best. You CAN do this.
I also wanted to say that if you are not going to move out or file for divorce today, that doesn't mean you can't do something today. I think you need a plan. I would start by figuring out how much money you will need to get your own place and move out, and then I would start putting away cash toward that. A little at a time and it will eventually add up to give you what you need. You already feel trapped; why not feel a little bit of hope?
It may also be that you have decided you would rather tolerate your current circumstances and lifestyle than undertake what you would consider a downgrade and degradation in lifestyle. That's something only you can decide.
You can make a decision to stay put but ALSO to start building a stash of cash in case you want to bug out. That may be something that ultimately gives you some peace, which is the main thing you may have a bit of control over and may be able to introduce into your life. Then it may be that you want more, and since you'll already have started a little stash, it may motivate you to build it faster or make some more concrete plans.
Cars and houses and stuff, that's all great. But it's just stuff. You do need a minimum amount of stuff in order to meet your basic needs, but it is amazing how little that really is.
It does sound as though things are starting to spiral faster for your husband. If you wait it out, will you inherit all of the "stuff" that is in his name? If that answer is yes, are you sure? I might focus on that if your plan is to stick it out.
There is a term called "catastrophizing," which I think is partially what you are doing here. I recognize it because I have done it myself. You are not going to have the life you thought you were going to have when you married this guy. That's what "might have been." What you do have is "what is." I have noticed that the difference between people who spiral downward in a series of awful decisions and the people who end up okay somehow is that the latter group did their best to work with the resources they had to maximize them, and really thought things through. You're clearly an intelligent person. You have the capacity to do that. But you're going to need to move past the "FML" and catastrophizing stage before you're able to.
Everybody has resources. You need to figure out what yours are, marshal them, and start to use them to build a plan. You can do this.
I wish you the very best. You CAN do this.
Last edited by NotAPeach; 03-18-2018 at 10:28 AM. Reason: incomplete thought completed
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