New - the cat's got my tongue
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Join Date: Feb 2018
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New - the cat's got my tongue
Hi everyone, I've been reading a little around here on the forums. I've been married to my AH for 22 years, together for 27. Drinking has been a part of our marriage for a long time, but the past few years have gotten progressively worse. I hit my bottom a few weeks ago and moved out temporarily. AH stopped drinking, today is day 16, but as someone said on another post, he's white knuckling it. He doesn't think he's an addict and says he is going to drink again like a normal drinker after 30-days. Obviously, I don't think that's something he should do, but I know it's out of my control.
That's where the cat's got my tongue. I can't speak my voice, at home, at work, at al anon, etc. I have all these ideas and things I want to say, but when the time comes, the cat's got my tongue. Wondering if anyone has an advice for trying to get out what I want to say.
On another front, some of my friends are pulling away from me, now that I'm focusing on myself. Has anyone had that happen? I'm surprised by this because most of them begged me to do something about my living situation, and then when I did, they pulled away. It's all so confusing.
Thanks for listening! I'm looking forward to my next Al Anon meeting, we only have one, once per week where I live, wish they were more frequent.
That's where the cat's got my tongue. I can't speak my voice, at home, at work, at al anon, etc. I have all these ideas and things I want to say, but when the time comes, the cat's got my tongue. Wondering if anyone has an advice for trying to get out what I want to say.
On another front, some of my friends are pulling away from me, now that I'm focusing on myself. Has anyone had that happen? I'm surprised by this because most of them begged me to do something about my living situation, and then when I did, they pulled away. It's all so confusing.
Thanks for listening! I'm looking forward to my next Al Anon meeting, we only have one, once per week where I live, wish they were more frequent.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
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That's a really good question. The short answer is that I can express myself about anything but the big stuff. When the big stuff happens, I can't express myself. For example, I'm definitely a peace at any cost kind of person. When people talk at al anon about fighting with the A, I don't fight, I just shove it all down and continue doing what needs to get done.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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Originally Posted by Grassalley17 
That's a really good question. The short answer is that I can express myself about anything but the big stuff. When the big stuff happens, I can't express myself. For example, I'm definitely a peace at any cost kind of person. When people talk at al anon about fighting with the A, I don't fight, I just shove it all down and continue doing what needs to get done.
Whether it is with private counseling or Al Anon, etc.
What about journaling and getting everything down on paper and then reading it to the person?
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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I too would push all my feelings down so deep I couldn't access them if I had to.
To get through living with active addiction it was the only way I could survive. I couldn't deal with feeling all of those feelings as well. So I shoved them down and locked them away.
I had done that for so long I didn't know what I was feeling even when I was trying to not stuff them down. I was so numb and confused. I had been walking on eggshells for so long, trying to get along and not rock the boat so it could be somewhat peaceful in my home.
I found I was able to start processing and releasing all that stuffed down crap when I started individual therapy with an addiction specialist. She slowly started to pull me out of that state and start to process all of it. I also would journal all the time - it helps get the flurry of thoughts out of my mind and I could start to process it all better.
In my experience when I would try to express my feelings to my XABF about his addiction, what it was doing to him, to me, to our life. It was thrown back in my face or resulted in an extremely angry reaction of some kind that I eventually associated expressing my feelings (and ideas) as a negative experience and so I just stuffed them down. That spread to all areas of my life and not just in my relationship. It took a bit of time to re-wire that thinking and start to speak about how I was feeling and what I needed more easily.
To get through living with active addiction it was the only way I could survive. I couldn't deal with feeling all of those feelings as well. So I shoved them down and locked them away.
I had done that for so long I didn't know what I was feeling even when I was trying to not stuff them down. I was so numb and confused. I had been walking on eggshells for so long, trying to get along and not rock the boat so it could be somewhat peaceful in my home.
I found I was able to start processing and releasing all that stuffed down crap when I started individual therapy with an addiction specialist. She slowly started to pull me out of that state and start to process all of it. I also would journal all the time - it helps get the flurry of thoughts out of my mind and I could start to process it all better.
In my experience when I would try to express my feelings to my XABF about his addiction, what it was doing to him, to me, to our life. It was thrown back in my face or resulted in an extremely angry reaction of some kind that I eventually associated expressing my feelings (and ideas) as a negative experience and so I just stuffed them down. That spread to all areas of my life and not just in my relationship. It took a bit of time to re-wire that thinking and start to speak about how I was feeling and what I needed more easily.
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Thank you so much, LostinLB and Learning14... I am going to start using my journal and trying to get this out in words. It's all been confusing and working through all these emotions is sad, I'm trying to not get depressed. Thank you for posting today, it's great to have support from those that have been there and are there.
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So for, at least, 27 years you have just been quiet, not wanting to cause conflict.
I understand this actually. When we know how people react to things, be it our children, friend, sibling or spouse, we tend to not want to poke the wasp's nest.
If you had asked someone to describe me say, 15 years ago, I think they probably would have said she can be a bit blunt and says what she thinks. In fact while that was true to a point, I would say what crossed my mind, usually, but I was always trying to be mindful of not hurting people's feelings (or my perception of what might hurt them, anger them) etc etc etc.
Stuffing feelings can truly break a person in my opinion. Not to say we should all just gush out everything we think, that saying - say what you mean just don't say it mean - is good I think.
We can't be responsible for someones reaction to us or what we say. If we fear the response (and i'm guessing you do) that's a big problem!
In a way I think it's a bit of a self-defense mechanism, if I don't say anything that MIGHT possibly upset you, you can't say something to possibly upset me!
Anyway, don't want to just ramble here, just wanted you to know I know what you mean and untangling that fear is really important. It's not easy, but it's worth it.
I understand this actually. When we know how people react to things, be it our children, friend, sibling or spouse, we tend to not want to poke the wasp's nest.
If you had asked someone to describe me say, 15 years ago, I think they probably would have said she can be a bit blunt and says what she thinks. In fact while that was true to a point, I would say what crossed my mind, usually, but I was always trying to be mindful of not hurting people's feelings (or my perception of what might hurt them, anger them) etc etc etc.
Stuffing feelings can truly break a person in my opinion. Not to say we should all just gush out everything we think, that saying - say what you mean just don't say it mean - is good I think.
We can't be responsible for someones reaction to us or what we say. If we fear the response (and i'm guessing you do) that's a big problem!
In a way I think it's a bit of a self-defense mechanism, if I don't say anything that MIGHT possibly upset you, you can't say something to possibly upset me!
Anyway, don't want to just ramble here, just wanted you to know I know what you mean and untangling that fear is really important. It's not easy, but it's worth it.
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grassalley...I think you might benefit from reading the book..."CO-Dependent No More".....It is frequently recommended by members of this forum. It is an easy read, and I'll bet that you will find that a lot of it will resonate with you.
You can get it on amazon.com and the local library....It is cheaper if you get a used copy....
You can get it on amazon.com and the local library....It is cheaper if you get a used copy....
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Thank you Trailmix, what you describe, is me to a "t" I think a counselor that is familiar with addiction is going to be my next step, along with Al Anon and journaling. And, dandylion, thank you for the book recommendation, I will go to the library and check that out. My A is going to drink again, but in the meantime, I need to get my voice so I can talk to him about how wonderful life is when he isn't, and also to share my boundaries for when he does again. Thank you all so much!
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I can really relate. I didn't even realize I was stuffing my feelings. I so not wanted to be a "nag," rock the boat, and sweat the "small" stuff that I didn't even realize anymore that those things were bothering me deep inside. Those "small" things were a symptom of the bigger picture, and I hate conflict. The things that I did bring up like the drinking - it would be empty apologies and excuses or turned around on me. It's was always "well you" so I just stopped.
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I think the more I exercised my talking muscle the easier it became to open up. I had to feel safe and comfortable first so it took very small steps and looking for responses and reactions from the other person.
My friends have dwindled but I think it's because I stayed, not because I took action. I also realize that I have been so invested in myself and H that I couldn't give my friends equal benefit of a relationship. I didn't take the time to be a friend to them.
My friends have dwindled but I think it's because I stayed, not because I took action. I also realize that I have been so invested in myself and H that I couldn't give my friends equal benefit of a relationship. I didn't take the time to be a friend to them.
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