Smarie78

Xabf unfortunately had to have his foot amputated yesterday, partial really, but almost up to the ankle. This was due to a MRSA infection getting into the frostbite that he got while drinking out on the streets during the cold winter here. I hadn't talked to him in a while and was doing good. (i'm still actually doing good). He phoned me from the hospital after getting readmitted for infection. I was surprised he was back there. I have not felt as emotional as I thought I might. I'm pretty sure the friends I told were more heartbroken than I was. Of course devastated for him, but maybe my sensitivity to the horrors of it all have all but gone. Maybe I was just relieved he actually showed up alive, even if scathed because sooner or later as the disease progresses, so do the consequences.

That said, he asked if I would come visit him. I don't particularly have a problem doing so, but I want to be fair to myself. This is still a human being that I shared 3 years of my life with who is experiencing something pretty horrible, albeit as a result of his drinking. I feel strong enough to see him and don't think it will 'pull' me back in or anything as I feel quite detached. He is about 40 miles out from me staying with his mother and his family. I just want to make sure I am being as cautious as possible as I do not want this recent event to become something I also have to deal with. I don't mean that in a cold-hearted way, but more so in the way that I no longer want to be involved in the darkness of addiction. I love him from afar, but I do want to move on with my life. 40 is just a month away and I still have a chance at having my own family someday.

Addiction is hard. You feel like you are leaving them in the dust. But there is truly nothing you can do for them. You either stand by and donate your life to watch a horror show unfold, or you save yourself - spare at least one of you to go on and have a normal life. I don't know what this latest event will do for him. I still think his addiction is a bigger problem than losing a foot. But I have detached from it. I sometimes think 'what is he going to do if he drinks again?'. Then I think about the people on the street who are homeless missing limbs. Maybe that's how it all happens. Then I stop the thought, and I go back to my side of the street.

SparkleKitty

None of us ever thought we would get pulled back the many times we did.

I think caution is wise. You are still finding your legs. You are doing great, but this is a risk whether it feels like one or not.

biminiblue

Have you told him you are done?

I'm 99% sure I would not visit, but that's just me.

hopeful4

He has empathetic family and friends around him. It really is not good for you to do this. He has to come to rely on others, even in chaos.

It's very sad the things that happen to addicts due to their own horrible choices, but there it is. He had other options.

Just my opinion. I don't say this unkindly because I know it's hard.

BlownOne

Sparkle is right. Caution is definitely wise. I would add, that if you were to choose not to see him, to just let things be and 'love him from afar' as you said, you would have nothing to feel guilty about. You don't have to be there for him. And it's not being cold or heartless. It's being responsible for your own feelings and boundaries and allowing him to experience the full consequence of his choices. In the end, that in and of itself is its own act of love, no matter how hard it may be for us to see it.

Smarie78

Thanks everyone. It just keeps getting worse and I guess I no longer want to be there to see how it all goes. I mean, how much more has to happen? The sad part is that I don't think it will end here for him. I hope I am wrong, but I don't see how things can get better. when he is dry he is committed and remorseful and wants to stop. But something will happen to 'upset the sober apple cart' as one writer put it, and it's off to the races. If he thinks he had the f**& its before because he had a few normal problems, I would be concerned how he handles the trauma now of amputation. I know it can be very emotionally wrenching.

But....I WOULD be concerned. I am NOT concerned because it is no longer a problem I take on. Not in a "it's not my problem!" way. But it's just not a part of my life. I can only do my best to give love to myself and to others, but there must be these boundaries.

I appreciate the advice.

Gm0824

I admire all that you do, Smarie. I think your actions and going to visit him really attest to your character. Just my $0.02, if I were in your position and my xah had a major medical issue and called me to visit him. I would view those visits as a roadblock to the life I want to have, with a healthy person, possibly creating a family or not. Hugs to you.

GM

hopeful4

I don't know. I guess I am a mean person, but I still see this as he is still trying to reel you in. Now, I don't think he had this issue on purpose, far from it. But here he is, with family and friends around him, yet he is still calling you and asking you to come visit him. It still smells manipulative.

Tread with caution!

2ndhandrose

Brilliantly stated, Smarie.

I agree with the other posters, to tread very carefully. You have come a long way.

HardLessons

If my addict ended up in the hospital over something serious & I found out about it - it would be extremely hard for me to not go see her. Once I did see her, I would probably end up sucked back in. I hope I never have to face this decision.

SMarie - I am very sorry for your circumstance.

aliciagr

Hi Smarie !

When you made the decision a while back to go visit him in the hospital it seems like you handled it very well. So maybe think about what type of mental and emotional process you went through before and after that visit.

The one thing I can think of is that when he was in the hospital it was more of a controlled environment. And now he is home post-surgery and I feel it will also be a somewhat controlled environment although I would think his emotions would be very high since the surgery. (I think he will be home at his moms, but not sure from your post).

So for me, I guess I would just think through emotional part of it all. I feel like you've been working to develop not sure what to call it - a solid core, sense of objectivity. But his state of mind and the emotions coming off of him all while sitting with him in the aftermath of a trauma may test that. In a way I think seeing him could be like a building block for your emotional health, but agree there is a risk of having emotions and feelings you aren't ready for yet.

What I really think is you will grow from all the decisions you make. You have supports, our support whatever you do, whatever feelings it evokes after.

Smarie78

You are all so wonderful. Hopeful - no friend, you are far from being awful or mean bc of your feelings. You are SMART! Unfortunately he never really had any friends due to the drinking so it’s basically his mom left. It’s not a wonder, but there it is. Even friends from the program shared with me that they couldn’t be in his life anymore. All they say you lose with addiction, you truly do.So perhaps he’s reaching out bc he’s feeling pretty alone. Again, never had many friends bc of the drinking. The ones he did have were all from the program. I always thought it was unfortunate that he never had a group of real pals. This is also likely why he always clinged onto me with a lot of neediness.

I have noticed certain people in my life who were more clingy tended to have very few if any friends at all. It was almost like they didn’t know how to be a friend so they just found one person to take them in. They aren’t all alcoholics with this trait but i certainly find commonality among those without friends. They were always big hearted people too. Just many demons.

Anyway I digress. But thank you for all the advice. Going to really think hard. Interesting on the consensus being shared by all.

CentralOhioDad

I don;t want to take away from this thread and your intent, Smarie - but this part of your post really hit me in regards to AW. This seems to be her. She is clingy, she has 'acquaintances', not really any friends. She is big-hearted most times, and she has lots of demons.

Thanks for putting this out there. Now, back to your post.

Sasha1972

For what it's worth, my ex ended up in the hospital for drinking-related issues about 18 months ago and wanted me to come and see him. I did. And I did end up getting sucked back into his chaos because ex was in a very remorseful frame of mind , he'd had a big shock with his medical crisis and he told me he was determined to get sober. So I became part of his "support system", because, as he said, I've known him longer and better than anyone else.

It didn't last - it soon became evident that ex was lying to me and that he was not staying sober, and when I made it clear that I knew about the lies and could not tolerate them, I was immediately "flipped" from supporter and friend to Evil Ex-Wife, which is the position in his world that I occupy today.

Looking back, do I regret that I went to see him? No, because he was a person in danger and the father of my child. What I do regret is that I wasn't sufficiently realistic, and I believed everything he said when he thought he might not live much longer because I wanted to believe he had had a life-changing experience. If I had remembered what I knew from experience about his patterns, I would have been appropriately skeptical and not gotten sucked into the emotional vortex.

wehav2day

I think hopeful said it sooooo well.

He needs recovery. You can be the most lovely, amazing person (I’m sure you already are), and you still can’t give him what he needs.

And consider this... when an addict gets what they want in short term, and feel like their reality is ok for the moment (roof over head, people who still care, EX GIRLFRIENDS visiting so there’s hope there...), an addict feels free to use.

I can’t say if your actions can really help him, but your inaction just might.

AnvilheadII

He is about 40 miles out from me staying with his mother and his family

that "family" being his WIFE and his CHILD, right?

leave him be. stay out of it. he is sober, for the moment, and relying on his family for support. and as close to his own son as he has been in years. i recall you saying that was really all you ever wanted......

i'd go a step further and say NOW cut off all contact. what more is there for you to know?

NYCDoglvr

Really? Turn your back and walk away, spend time at Alanon and learn from this unfortunate experience.

trailmix

While all this may be true about a person in active addition - or rather your xabf in active addiction, what if.

What if you agree to visit and he is sitting there, having been sober for a week or two. Remorseful but hopeful about the future.

What if he claims he has always loved you and no one else and he knows you can now build a life together, have a family etc etc.

All things he may well have good intentions about. I'm sure you have heard lots of good intentions from him over the years.

Thing is, could you then be sucked back in? What if he promises you everything you ever wanted with him? Now i'm just throwing all that out there but I can't see any harmless reason for him wanting you to visit him. Does he think of you as his "friend" as a person to "love from afar", you left him, you broke up with him.

Anyway, don't want to ramble but there is something not right about this. If he wants to talk to you and you think you want to, how about a couple of phone conversations to start, see what you find.

ScaryTime

I have to agree that it is not a good idea for YOU to go visit him; and further think yes, now is the time to go no contact...
Truly love him from afar, I am smelling manipulation here...
Just my two scents...

Learning14

I love the pun. LOL

SMarie - send him a get well card. You'll spend 50 cents on postage and won't have to lament over all of the "should I go/shouldn't I go." It will be cheaper financially and keep you from getting sucked into anymore drama.