Hospital visit post-amputation
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
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Originally Posted by Smarie78 
Addiction is hard. You feel like you are leaving them in the dust. But there is truly nothing you can do for them. You either stand by and donate your life to watch a horror show unfold, or you save yourself - spare at least one of you to go on and have a normal life.
That sums it up in a short but true, powerful way. Should go in the stickies.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Yep, very spot on Smarie
I also don't think going there in person is a good idea.
His family should be the focus and priority as they will be caring for him.
You are also putting yourself at risk to his manipulations.
Don't think they've gone away because of this.
In fact, they may be worse than ever.
I'm so sorry this happened to him, but really, you need to take care of you now.
I also don't think going there in person is a good idea.
His family should be the focus and priority as they will be caring for him.
You are also putting yourself at risk to his manipulations.
Don't think they've gone away because of this.
In fact, they may be worse than ever.
I'm so sorry this happened to him, but really, you need to take care of you now.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I'm going to ask again...
Have you told him you are done with this relationship, SMarie?
I think that would free your soul. The greeting card sounds like a good idea. I would end whatever message you send by writing, "This will have to be our last contact, I'm not replying after this. I wish you well in your recovery. All the best, SMarie."
It feels like you haven't said this yet. Even though it isn't necessary as a stated-to-him-boundary, maybe it would bring you a finality.
Have you told him you are done with this relationship, SMarie?
I think that would free your soul. The greeting card sounds like a good idea. I would end whatever message you send by writing, "This will have to be our last contact, I'm not replying after this. I wish you well in your recovery. All the best, SMarie."
It feels like you haven't said this yet. Even though it isn't necessary as a stated-to-him-boundary, maybe it would bring you a finality.
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Thanks all - and again, as I think a few of you may know. He has a wife and child. He had separated from his wife years before we met and they remained estranged but never could stay sober long enough to complete a divorce. I just wanted to clarify that I was not having an affair with this man or sneaking around behind his wife's back. I sometimes feel like that is brought up as a judgement so it is important for me to clarify.
What is true is that he has a son whose life he was not in that also greatly impacted our relationship. All I ever wanted was for him to be a part of his life. In other words, I wanted a lot of things from him that he could not give or would not rather. In my mind if I could "make him" want to be a good dad and "make him" want to stay sober, everything would be fine. But it isn't how it works. At any rate, I appreciate the words of wisdom here and I understand the consensus is not to visit. Yesterday when I was at work I received a message from him asking why I didn't bother to check in on him all day. That he just had major life changing surgery and the least I could have done was see how he was doing. This is of course the behaviors that are textbook. I calmly explained that I knew he was safe and cared for and was busy tending to my own life. I think he understood after I explained it and apologized, but there is still that childish behavior. I was just proud of myself for not apologizing for it myself or feeling guilty as usual.
What is true is that he has a son whose life he was not in that also greatly impacted our relationship. All I ever wanted was for him to be a part of his life. In other words, I wanted a lot of things from him that he could not give or would not rather. In my mind if I could "make him" want to be a good dad and "make him" want to stay sober, everything would be fine. But it isn't how it works. At any rate, I appreciate the words of wisdom here and I understand the consensus is not to visit. Yesterday when I was at work I received a message from him asking why I didn't bother to check in on him all day. That he just had major life changing surgery and the least I could have done was see how he was doing. This is of course the behaviors that are textbook. I calmly explained that I knew he was safe and cared for and was busy tending to my own life. I think he understood after I explained it and apologized, but there is still that childish behavior. I was just proud of myself for not apologizing for it myself or feeling guilty as usual.
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Originally Posted by biminiblue
I'm going to ask again...
Have you told him you are done with this relationship, SMarie?
I think that would free your soul. The greeting card sounds like a good idea. I would end whatever message you send by writing, "This will have to be our last contact, I'm not replying after this. I wish you well in your recovery. All the best, SMarie."
It feels like you haven't said this yet. Even though it isn't necessary as a stated-to-him-boundary, maybe it would bring you a finality.
Have you told him you are done with this relationship, SMarie?
I think that would free your soul. The greeting card sounds like a good idea. I would end whatever message you send by writing, "This will have to be our last contact, I'm not replying after this. I wish you well in your recovery. All the best, SMarie."
It feels like you haven't said this yet. Even though it isn't necessary as a stated-to-him-boundary, maybe it would bring you a finality.
You're right. I know. All I have said to him about us when he asked if it was over, is that I love him as a person but that I cannot be in a relationship with him. I agree with you that I need to cease all contact. This latest thing has made it challenging for me to completely cut contact I will admit. I was doing really well and moving on with my life (I still am), but eversince he called about the surgery I feel like I have had to be there as his friend. Detached yes, but still....there.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Fear Obligation Guilt.
He's still at it, he's going to up his game, I can almost bet on it. He's scared, no one is going to want to help him except the codies in his life. Everyone else will see it as consequences he has to face. I really hope you will cut contact now. It can get worse, ya know? When is it enough?
He's still at it, he's going to up his game, I can almost bet on it. He's scared, no one is going to want to help him except the codies in his life. Everyone else will see it as consequences he has to face. I really hope you will cut contact now. It can get worse, ya know? When is it enough?
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Originally Posted by Smarie78
Addiction is hard. You feel like you are leaving them in the dust. But there is truly nothing you can do for them. You either stand by and donate your life to watch a horror show unfold, or you save yourself - spare at least one of you to go on and have a normal life.
He's an alcoholic, though, with the issues that come from that. He periodically disappeared. He occasionally showed up drunk. He eventually wore out his welcome (this job didn't especially suit him anyway)and moved on. I have to sort of guess from Facebook posts that the behaviors that caused the end of working with us have plagued him in his next position.
Being older and wiser, I set a limit for myself as to how close I got to him, even as a friend. I knew the closer I got, the greater the heartbreak for him when things were going badly. I don't have lots of money, I'm not a shrink, he moved in with friends two hours away to start fresh. Other than encouragement, I have nothing to offer. When he was sober and showing up, he made going in to work something to look forward to.
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smarie, stop it now before you allow him to suck you back in further.
you think it was bad before, it WILL be worse if you dont end EVERYTHING with him. im willing to lay money on that.
you deserve better.
think about it(again- as was back in mid feb):
he hasnt asked anything about how you are doing,has he? no wanting to knwo whats been up with you? ANYTHING about you from him other than,"oh, my hostage is back!"
you think it was bad before, it WILL be worse if you dont end EVERYTHING with him. im willing to lay money on that.
you deserve better.
think about it(again- as was back in mid feb):
he hasnt asked anything about how you are doing,has he? no wanting to knwo whats been up with you? ANYTHING about you from him other than,"oh, my hostage is back!"
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Originally Posted by biminiblue
Fear Obligation Guilt.
He's still at it, he's going to up his game, I can almost bet on it. He's scared, no one is going to want to help him except the codies in his life. Everyone else will see it as consequences he has to face. I really hope you will cut contact now. It can get worse, ya know? When is it enough?
He's still at it, he's going to up his game, I can almost bet on it. He's scared, no one is going to want to help him except the codies in his life. Everyone else will see it as consequences he has to face. I really hope you will cut contact now. It can get worse, ya know? When is it enough?
You can tell him whatever pretty words you like, but he hears "Codie-quack-quack-quack".... because you continue to engage on some level regardless of how much time passes, how much he doesn't change or how much the progression ramps up. He's not capable of subtleties like reading between the lines right now - you need to be clear & consistent with your chosen boundaries.
I do think you're trying Smarie, but I think you're choosing to keep engaging to satisfy your DOC urges & triggers - not his.
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Smarie, I don't know, everything right now seems very grey, or at least beige.
He's not divorced, but separated.
He's a father, but estranged from his son.
He's a good man, but he cheats on you.
He's a good man, but he's an alcoholic.
You've broken up with him, but you tell him you love him.
You want a husband and family, but you're with a man who can't give you that.
Based one what you've told us, everything has a BUT attached to it. Why do you have so many BUTs in your life? [And believe me, the third grader in me realizes how bad that sounds!]
You seem very uncomfortable making any decisions for yourself, so you try to live a life where you can live both decisions at once. Hence the refusal to go no contact. Hence the refusal to break up with him even as you emotionally withdrew your affection. Hence the statement "I love you but..."
Make a decision, and stick with it. Stop letting the circumstances make the decisions for you.
He's not divorced, but separated.
He's a father, but estranged from his son.
He's a good man, but he cheats on you.
He's a good man, but he's an alcoholic.
You've broken up with him, but you tell him you love him.
You want a husband and family, but you're with a man who can't give you that.
Based one what you've told us, everything has a BUT attached to it. Why do you have so many BUTs in your life? [And believe me, the third grader in me realizes how bad that sounds!]
You seem very uncomfortable making any decisions for yourself, so you try to live a life where you can live both decisions at once. Hence the refusal to go no contact. Hence the refusal to break up with him even as you emotionally withdrew your affection. Hence the statement "I love you but..."
Make a decision, and stick with it. Stop letting the circumstances make the decisions for you.
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Smarie.....a bit of the reality of his situation-----
He has professionals in his world, now who can attend to him much better than you ever could. (attend...not enable). I wish you could visit Walter Reed Army Hospital....and, see all the soldiers who have lost major limbs....they go into immediate physical rehabilitation...and are performing again, with artificial limbs...some, performing sports at the same level as those who have never been injured. They are given loads of treatment and empathy..but, not sympathy. They are not allowed to sink into the "victim" mentality.
It is incredible what they demonstrate about human possibility.
He also has family that he is l iving with...who, obviously love him. H e is blessed. H e is not a puppy dropped on the side of the road.
He does not need you. He may, selfishly, want you...but, you must remember that he does not NEED you!
You must stop enabling him. Those men and women at Walter Reed are not enabled. If you get sucked back in...you would be enabling him and doing the worst thing that you could do to him. Don't enable him to sooth your own discomfort. Summon the courage to do the "right thing" and the Universe will carry you safely forward......
He has professionals in his world, now who can attend to him much better than you ever could. (attend...not enable). I wish you could visit Walter Reed Army Hospital....and, see all the soldiers who have lost major limbs....they go into immediate physical rehabilitation...and are performing again, with artificial limbs...some, performing sports at the same level as those who have never been injured. They are given loads of treatment and empathy..but, not sympathy. They are not allowed to sink into the "victim" mentality.
It is incredible what they demonstrate about human possibility.
He also has family that he is l iving with...who, obviously love him. H e is blessed. H e is not a puppy dropped on the side of the road.
He does not need you. He may, selfishly, want you...but, you must remember that he does not NEED you!
You must stop enabling him. Those men and women at Walter Reed are not enabled. If you get sucked back in...you would be enabling him and doing the worst thing that you could do to him. Don't enable him to sooth your own discomfort. Summon the courage to do the "right thing" and the Universe will carry you safely forward......
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