Mandy05

As you all know from my previous post. I appreciate the advice and the knowledge that was given to me. I am so LOST! So all of you that commented gave me so much help thank you. Here's something I'm struggling with. He was definitely an abuser my ex. I feel like he has a "one up" on me. Because when he forced his grandmother to text me, I was polite and said "I'm in love with him, and he's not in love with me. So it's best that we move on. I don't want to talk to him." I really wanted to say alot worse but that's his grandmother. I feel like it's almost like a huge ego boost to him and like a "haha" because I'm an emotional wreck and in love with him, but he's not. I feel like that gave him power what I said to the grandmother. I know she relayed that to him.

So now I'm left with so much confusion and despair still. It's such a slap in my face after everything I have done for him, after all the crap I put up with that he's not in love with ME? He should be grateful and wanting to keep me in his life more than a friend. I was the one who financially supported him because he couldn't keep a job. That's when I started to notice he had a problem with alcohol. I was taking the load, and he wasn't doing anything but drinking. I made sure he wasn't homeless and let him stay with me. I catered to him, and gave him so much love, and in return I get this? I am just worried by me saying that to the grandmother that gave him a huge ego boost and satisfaction.

I am trying to move on but I have SO much anger. I can't seem to let go all of the bad things he's done and then I get hit with "let's take things slow without labels. I love you and care for you, but I'm not in love with you." I blocked him on my phone, but like I said it still kinda notifies you. He only called a bunch of times that day, but he didn't try to call anymore. Just shows how disposable I really am in his eyes. I have so much anger and it only has been a week of NC but I seem to be getting worse, not better. I am an emotional wreck and trying to move on because I feel forced to because of him not being in love with me. I seem to be getting worse.

hopeful4

No contact means no contact with his family or anyone representing him as well. I know you have to be respectful to people, however, you don't have to respond, at all.

Your anger is red hot right now. You will go through stages, like grief.

No new contact = No new hurts.

Big hugs.

AnvilheadII

It's such a slap in my face after everything I have done for him, after all the crap I put up with that he's not in love with ME? He should be grateful and wanting to keep me in his life more than a friend. I was the one who financially supported him because he couldn't keep a job. That's when I started to notice he had a problem with alcohol. I was taking the load, and he wasn't doing anything but drinking. I made sure he wasn't homeless and let him stay with me. I catered to him, and gave him so much love, and in return I get this?

that is not how we get people to LOVE us. we don't buy it, or cater, or do countless good deeds in order to earn their love.

he was a user. he used what you gave him. he SAID things you wanted to hear so you'd keep giving. that's the way messed-in-the-head people operate.

our job is to learn we have worth WITHOUT having to DO things for others.

Mandy05

Big hugs back. ❤️ I'm not in contact with his family at all. His grandmother only texted me once because she was forced by him to do so. His grandmother doesn't want involved in anything. She made that very clear. So there hasn't been any contact since her one text relaying a message from him, but I feel like he can be in that halfway house with satisfaction that I am in love with him, and he is not in love with me. Like a "haha I got her." Type of deal. He was always good for one ups and I'm so angry because I wish I just wouldn't have responded but I do respect and love his grandmother. But it's tough so.

I guess I just wish I wouldn't have said exactly that. I wish I would have said something differently, so he wouldn't know how I truly felt, and wouldn't feel like he "got me". You know what I mean? I don't want to look like a desperate idiot.

Mandy05

No, you're right. That's not how we get people to love us, but I did it naturally out of love. He also made it out like I was his "queen" his "soulmate". I mean any possible loving thing you could say to someone he said it. So I thought the feelings were mutual. I know now he used me. Just sucks I went above and beyond as a girlfriend and this is what I get in return? I did everything with NO ill intent, and out of pure love. I am so angry. I can't believe this whole three years was literally wasted on someone who just did me dirty. Didn't even love me. I literally got NOTHING out of this. That's just my nature to be nurturing. He always told me how much I am a special woman. So it all just hurts.

hopeful4

It does hurt. It all stinks. However, you will go through these stages and as long as you stay no contact, you will keep on healing. You will keep moving forward.

Take this time to figure out YOU. How to remain strong enough and be wise enough to see what you deserve in this life and how to achieve those goals. You deserve to let the past be the past, to get over the hurt, and to have a happy life.

Keep posting, you are not alone!

mamselle

I want to reach out and let you know that I am going through the same feelings. Keep doing the NC and the advice here is wonderful. This is an emotional roller coaster for sure.

tomsteve

these:
-I was the one who financially supported him because he couldn't keep a job.
-I was taking the load, and he wasn't doing anything but drinking.
-I made sure he wasn't homeless and let him stay with me
- I catered to him.

arent actions out of love. love isnt doing for others what they can do for themselves.
i believe,though, that these are good examples of enabling.

velma929

He didn't one up you.

He did something to make you and his grandmother uncomfortable, and you responded like a class act anyway. Kudos to you.

Givenup2018

Mandy, of course it hurts.
You have to go completely no contact with him, his friends, his relatives, etc
You need this for your own healing
You have to go through the grieving process, but you will come through it and get to a place of acceptance.
You will be glad that you are out and living a normal life
Addicts do not know what it the meaning of love, they are empty in themselves, do not even know how to love themselves, so how can he love you
It is just words, either way.
You probably are co-dependent, please go to Al anon to learn how to detach from him, to learn how to put yourself first.

dandylion

Mandy....I think that reading the book "Co-Dependent No More" would help you a lot. It is highly recommended by most, on this forum. You can get a cheap copy from amazon.com...or, from the library......
It is an easy read, and I believe that a lot will resonate with you!

dandylion

Mandy...have you ever considered that, in the big picture, he is the one who "lost"?.....He lost you!!!

Wamama48

Listen to Dandylion, she is so insightful. Let what she said sink in.

Mandy05

Thank you sweetheart. ❤️ I appreciate the support. I'll try.

Mandy05

It is a wonderful site. I'm so sorry sweetheart that you are going through the same thing! My heart goes out to you. Thank you so much. Keep being strong. ❤️

Mandy05

They are to me. Because I believe in giving your all in a relationship and that's what I did. I'm a nurturing person by nature.

Mandy05

Thank you. ❤️ I feel like.he did though because I'm the one sick and pondering, and angry. While he's not. He can move on with another girl and not think twice whereas me, I can't even look at a guy because I don't want to go through what I've been through. I'm too hurt and damaged to even want another guy, but it'll be no prob to him because he didn't receive abuse, mental abuse, financial burdens, and so on from me. He received nothing but good things and loving things from me.

Mandy05

Givenup2018 and dandylion thank you both so much. I appreciate everything you both said. I'll try to go to Al Anon. It's hard for me to even get up for work, so I've been in isolation. Love and hugs. ❤️

CentralOhioDad

Here is the definition of nurture: (I'm piggybacking on tomsteve's post)

: to help (something or someone) to grow, develop, or succeed
: to take care of (someone or something that is growing or developing) by providing food, protection, a place to live, etc.

what you were doing for him in no way led him in any way to: grow, develop, or succeed. He is a leech.

FireSprite

So verbalize for me, from your perspective - what exactly did he win? This:

doesn't mean he won anything. It DOES sound like you're score-keeping (not an indication of a healthy attachment) & that you have resentments/anger tied to expectations of his behavior. But we cannot control others, we can't make them value what we give or attach conditions to what we give/share and call it LOVE. That's NOT love; it's duty, obligation, guilt.


^This is an assumption, not a fact - you don't know his experience any more than he knows yours.

The suggestion to read Codependent No More is really good for you IMO - I think you might benefit from a better understanding of what we're talking about here. Nurturing allows room for the other person to do FOR themselves - it doesn't mean that we give of ourselves to the point of depletion for their needs. (emotionally, financially, whatever)