Mandy05

I did try to help him succeed. I was always very uplifting because he felt he couldn't do this or that, I even encouraged him to play drums again. Because due to his addiction. I poured every bit of my heart into him because I loved him. I was a very supportive, healthy, and good partner.

CentralOhioDad

I appreciate from where you're coming, but a 'healthy' person doesn't expect anything in return for 'all they do' for someone. What did he do to help HIMSELF to succeed with EVERYTHING you were 'doing' for him?

It's like trying to push a fat pig out of the mud - you are 'helping it to succeed'. Thing is - the pig LIKES to stay in the mud and wallow, that's what they do. Alkies like to stay in their drunk and keep drinking. Obviously he didn't want to get pushed out of the 'mud'.

So many people on this forum have the same story as you: "I tried EVERYTHING to make him/her change, and they go off and don't appreciate ANYTHING I did for them!!!" Bottom line: he doesn't have to appreciate you, he doesn't have to do a darn thing you 'encourage ' him to do.

tomsteve

Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:
An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
An extreme need for approval and recognition
A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
A compelling need to control others
Lack of trust in self and/or others
Fear of being abandoned or alone
Difficulty identifying feelings
Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
Problems with intimacy/boundaries
Chronic anger
Lying/dishonesty
Poor communications
Difficulty making decisions
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i nurture my plants. i feed them and water them. i dont help them grow.they do that on their own.

maybe you could be codependant more than nurturing by nature?

mandy, you believe in giving it your all in a relationship. what about the other person involved- shouldnt they be doing the same?

have you had past relationships that were similar to this one? grow up around it maybe?

nez

In my experience, as long as I attach the labels of winning or losing, I will probably not be free from anger.

Wamama48

I know this isn't really what you were wanting help with, you were very upset about him getting that last smug dig in. But, keep reading on SR. You will learn so much about alcoholism, how they think, why they do what they do. Most importantly, you will also learn about Codependancy and how it is ruining your happiness. I didn't even know what it was until a few weeks ago. I read Codependancy No More, and my life was right there, in black and white! It got the wheels turning. I'm putting some things I've learned into practice these past few days, and I already feel a little more free, less weighed down. I told my sister to read it. She read it and she called me crying, wondering why we didn't know the reason we were so miserable when we were younger. PLEASE check it out. I know its not necessarily the help or encouragement you were looking for. But its a permanent solution to your broken heart.