Eauchiche

Good morning, everyone,
I just went through an experience at my parish that has me wondering if I shouldn't move on (again.) Actually, that is what I've been doing over and over. My town has many churches that try their best to keep us codependent. Once again, more is being revealed.

I believe that the pastor has narcissistic traits. One merely has to walk our campus to find buildings and monuments with his name on them. Incidentally, this is the biggest church in town. There are thousands of people there smiling and praising him on Facebook.

I recently went through a process that put me in close proximity to the guy. Apparently I was too close. He refused to meet with me about an important issue I had. He wouldn't answer my emails. He hid behind several staff members, relaying messages through them.

I made a decision to fly below the radar from now on. Maybe recovery is inconsistent with involvement in church. What are your thoughts?

Ladybird579

Maybe recovery is inconsistent with involvement in church. What are your thoughts?

I go to a great church but it has it challenges. We are all very close and sometimes it can seem like a family and if arguments start I can be a bit like oh just go away already. I don't want to deal with any drama today. I wouldn't say they helped or hindered my recovery from being with exah but having been give jobs to do it helped me put my focus off my life with him and I made other friends cos of being there.

Our senior pastor is not a narcissist. He is very down to earth and has had his own family problems which make him more aware that life is not all plain sailing. We also have a 4 pastor system so he doesn't carry the burden for everyone but he always answers texts and emails. Ours is not a massive church. It's rural and there are 300 on the books but more like 160 attend on a Sunday cos farmers and shift workers can't always make it in especially in bad weather. You maybe need a smaller church?

dandylion

eauch...trust YOURSELF......this is my recommendation....

Eauchiche

Thanks, Dandy and Ladybird
Been trusting my gut through this whole ordeal.
I thought I was called to become an ordained Deacon. I had lay people and other deacons coming to me to encourage me to start the process.

Only my pastor was in a position to start this at the parish level. It couldn't go any higher without him.

What finally came down, was him telling my deacon friends to write formal letters recommending me to him, and then HE would decide if it should go further. One of the deacons wisely smelled a rat and chickened out. Smart man! Both deacons told me to go over the guy's head.

I superimposed this scenario onto a "what if" in the corporate world and the whole thing looked ridiculous. I asked myself if I could work for a company that operated like this, and the answer was an unreserved "NO!".

Pajarito1663

I don't do drama or toxic people. It's your choice. Trust your gut. If it doesn't serve you, walk away. Love yourself and take care of yourself.

AnvilheadII

i don't have a wide experience with churches....but when my daughter was in grade school (parochial) they were given the assignment to find another church in another religion and attend. she picked mennonite and we attended one worship service......and it was so different than anything i had experienced before.....very..........humble, unpretentious, caring. obviously with only that one service i can't comment on the fellowship or any cliquey-ness.

hearthealth

My H and I attended a number of churches in the area before we chose one. Five years later the church is changing again different pastor so a change may be in order again.

Seren

Euchiche, in my diocese and parish you would be a welcome blessing as would anyone who decided to heed God's call.

I do not know where you are, but your diocese should have a Vicar for Vocations. Have you spoken to anyone on the diocesan level?

Eauchiche

Hi Seren!
Many thanks for your kind words, and everyone else who posted here.
My Deacon friends were trying to get me to go to the Diocesan coordinator for Deacon formation and bypass my pastor, saying the pastor would "have to" rubber stamp something coming back downhill. I think, simply, that this is asking for nothing but trouble.

At this point, I think the pastor has done me a tremendous favor. Like we say on these pages, "when someone shows you who they are, believe them."

aliciagr

Maybe recovery is inconsistent with involvement in church. What are your thoughts?

I think everyone has to define what is important to making strides with their own recovery. Im sure there is no correlation between church and recovery for many people. However, I found focusing on my religious beliefs and the moral compass it offers to be comforting and its helped serve as a guide with many of the choices Ive had to make.

Sorry you are having trouble finding one that feels right. When we were out of state and looking for a church, my husband and I went to several from our denomination and finally picked one. I just got a feeling from the sermons and the people I met. Hope you can find a place to call home soon.

Bekindalways

Interesting thread here Eauchiche.

I've been a struggling Catholic for many years. I was attending the church that I grew up in for some time. We currently have a lovely charismatic priest who spends way too much time on all the issues about sex: birth control, homosexuality, sex ed, etc. I just can't do it anymore.

In your situation, I would probably get into a power struggle which would not be good.

I hope you find a good church for yourself.

Eauchiche

Dear BeKind
Many thanks for your input.
I am sorry you are struggling as well. We both know that the Christian life is SO much more than just sex-ed.
I hope you too find a good faith community.

resolute50

"Maybe recovery is inconsistent with involvement in church. What are your thoughts? "

Find a church that follows the scriptures. It's all about God and not men.
To answer your question,as you asked.
We are to remain sober so we can be good stewards of our faith.

May you find a church that restores you in mind, body and faith.
God bless.

"1 Corinthians 6:19-20 King James Version (KJV)

19 What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?

20 For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's.

King James Version "

Givenup2018

I do not think recovery is inconsistent with church but I think recovery is our responsibility and ours alone, not the church, our friends, our family etc. Sometimes church people do not know how to deal with the issues surrounding addiction, they do not know how to deal with very wounded people nor needy people which many of us tend to be. Therefore it is better to do church but go to AA/ al anon and be with those who actually understand where you are coming from.
You make a lot of judgments about the churches in your area, and the pastor, just wondering about that. When we are judgmental, more often than not the problem lies with us, don't want to offend you (I tend to be judgmental and for a long time blaming all and sundry ) just asking you to be introspective sometimes it helps.

Eauchiche

Thanks, Givenup. I will definitely think/pray about this.

steve-in-kville

Wow. This almost a reflection of what we went through. We have always been part of an Anabaptist (brethren) church through our entire married life. We left our old church about 7 months ago. The pastor there was extremely controlling to the point that he used things I confided in him against me.

It was bad. I'm saying that was the reason I drank, but it certainly didn't help. We found another church that is quite a bit larger and more diverse. This was a big key to my sobriety.

Eauchiche

Thanks for sharing, Steve!
Right now I am walking a tightrope between placing myself in healthy environments while trying to avoid projecting my own issues onto others, then running from them. Givenup had a really good point a couple of posts ago!!!
I had one of our priests tell me several months ago, that when we are discontent with where we live, etc..., that we are projecting something that is really a struggle against something within ourselves that we don't like. This sounds very close to what we learn in the programs.
Sounds like you and your wife really tried to hang in there. I would imagine leaving was a hard decision.

hopeful4

I don't think I could get past a toxic priest.

In my church, we have three pastors. Each is humble, kind, and puts others first. If I requested a meeting with any one of them, they would do so immediately. We also have many members, it's a large church.

I hope you find a solution!

velma929

I've been welcome at most churches I've attended, save for one.

I was new in town, and visiting different churches. I walked in the door of one and a woman stepped up to me and asked, "Where do you live?" I told her. She said "Why aren't you going to the _____ Church around the corner from you?" "Because I don't belong to that denomination?" She kind of stomped off. A man said, "She didn't mean that like it sounded."

Yeah, there was all kinds of nuance in that statement. He didn't welcome me either, or introduce himself. Neither did anybody else. It was kind of surreal. It was a small church, and I know most churches are hurting for members to keep them financially solvent. I stayed through the service, but never went back.
I'm not an open person. I commented, half joking to man-friend, that the congregation where we attend currently is a little too hug-gy. I would have to be a member a long,long time before I chose to confide in anything but spiritual matters to a pastor.

But that's me. YMMV.