Divorced AW and now our adult children are mad at me
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,546
Originally Posted by Hayfmr 
I love that idea but they live on the opposite side of the state so I cant threaten them with this plan.
There's only so much one can ask friends to do. I'm widowed. I have somebody. Life would be frankly much more difficult if I didn't.
You're middle-aged, not dead.
And, as things stand right now, we are not getting married. Where I live, though you can't be held responsible for ordinary bills and credit cards, a spouse can be bound to pay for "necessaries" like medical treatment. Both of us are older and accruing medical bills faster than we like to imagine.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 163
Originally Posted by velma929
I think you missed the sarcasm. But YOU don't have to sound sarcastic if you mention it to them. You could sound...earnest. Seriously, are they prepared to take on the role as your only support system?
There's only so much one can ask friends to do. I'm widowed. I have somebody. Life would be frankly much more difficult if I didn't.
You're middle-aged, not dead.
And, as things stand right now, we are not getting married. Where I live, though you can't be held responsible for ordinary bills and credit cards, a spouse can be bound to pay for "necessaries" like medical treatment. Both of us are older and accruing medical bills faster than we like to imagine.
There's only so much one can ask friends to do. I'm widowed. I have somebody. Life would be frankly much more difficult if I didn't.
You're middle-aged, not dead.
And, as things stand right now, we are not getting married. Where I live, though you can't be held responsible for ordinary bills and credit cards, a spouse can be bound to pay for "necessaries" like medical treatment. Both of us are older and accruing medical bills faster than we like to imagine.
I got the sarcasm but its would be impossible for me to be able to use this trick on them. Although I could tell them I am coming for an extended visit but due to the nature of my business I couldn't do that till next fell.
The youngest showed some improvement in her attitude last night. Made me feel good.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
You may be onto something because its the daughters that refuse to communicate with their mother that are having the big issue.
It sounds like your ex wife is still a heavy drinker and nothing has changed for your daughters' access to their mother. Sadly, relationships aren't important enough for alcoholics or they would stop drinking and start mending fences.
While they may be grown children, the underlying issue may be that they are afraid of losing YOU. As you start to rebuild your life, my suggestion is to take time to travel and visit them (without new GF for a while) putting effort into your own special relationship with them. If they are in a distant part of the state, in spread out towns, take a long weekend to do a "circuit" visit, if not once per month but once per season. Be available by phone, have special dates or dinners if they are nearby. Don't force your new love to be included right away. There are probably deep hurts yet to be healed, they probably need to know you will always be there for them. You sound like you have been the Rock of the family, the one they could depend on. Let them know this new love doesn't change that.
Good luck with this, and yes you all deserve happiness.
It sounds like your ex wife is still a heavy drinker and nothing has changed for your daughters' access to their mother. Sadly, relationships aren't important enough for alcoholics or they would stop drinking and start mending fences.
While they may be grown children, the underlying issue may be that they are afraid of losing YOU. As you start to rebuild your life, my suggestion is to take time to travel and visit them (without new GF for a while) putting effort into your own special relationship with them. If they are in a distant part of the state, in spread out towns, take a long weekend to do a "circuit" visit, if not once per month but once per season. Be available by phone, have special dates or dinners if they are nearby. Don't force your new love to be included right away. There are probably deep hurts yet to be healed, they probably need to know you will always be there for them. You sound like you have been the Rock of the family, the one they could depend on. Let them know this new love doesn't change that.
Good luck with this, and yes you all deserve happiness.
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 527
Just wanted to send you a hug. I don't have any great advice- wish I did- It is so hard to understand. Lately I have come to the conclusion that there is a lack of respect on my adult children's part for my own individual decisions. This makes me angry. How dare any person try to tell me how to live my life- especially in an intimate area like a marriage? My life has improved so much since I left an abusive alcoholic- and he had plenty of opportunity to turn things around. Why should I be held hostage in an abusive marriage- so that on a couple of yearly holidays- my adult children can pretend everything is peachy? It's absurd! Not only that -to expect you to live alone the rest of your adult life- so they are comfortable ? Really? How about they don't marry or have a significant other- to please you? You are the person who gets to decide your life, not your children.
On another note, I got fed up with being the nice, loving MOM to my daughter who was treating me poorly-so I told her- we'll talk when you come up to see me- that was in mid December- no Christmas card from her. Nothing until mid- February when I received flowers!! what a surprise! She has lined up a counselor to see both of us- I hope we will reconnect in a. loving, caring way and I hope she respects me enough to treat me with respect and kindness. I want a loving relationship with my daughter- and I have no problem with her telling me she is angry with me- but she will no longer treat me shabbily. I will not tolerate it.
I see this move on her part as hopeful- but I am still going in with shields up!
On another note, I got fed up with being the nice, loving MOM to my daughter who was treating me poorly-so I told her- we'll talk when you come up to see me- that was in mid December- no Christmas card from her. Nothing until mid- February when I received flowers!! what a surprise! She has lined up a counselor to see both of us- I hope we will reconnect in a. loving, caring way and I hope she respects me enough to treat me with respect and kindness. I want a loving relationship with my daughter- and I have no problem with her telling me she is angry with me- but she will no longer treat me shabbily. I will not tolerate it.
I see this move on her part as hopeful- but I am still going in with shields up!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Love, Love, Love this. And it sounds like progress is being made, good stuff!
Originally Posted by qtpi
Just wanted to send you a hug. I don't have any great advice- wish I did- It is so hard to understand. Lately I have come to the conclusion that there is a lack of respect on my adult children's part for my own individual decisions. This makes me angry. How dare any person try to tell me how to live my life- especially in an intimate area like a marriage? My life has improved so much since I left an abusive alcoholic- and he had plenty of opportunity to turn things around. Why should I be held hostage in an abusive marriage- so that on a couple of yearly holidays- my adult children can pretend everything is peachy? It's absurd! Not only that -to expect you to live alone the rest of your adult life- so they are comfortable ? Really? How about they don't marry or have a significant other- to please you? You are the person who gets to decide your life, not your children.
On another note, I got fed up with being the nice, loving MOM to my daughter who was treating me poorly-so I told her- we'll talk when you come up to see me- that was in mid December- no Christmas card from her. Nothing until mid- February when I received flowers!! what a surprise! She has lined up a counselor to see both of us- I hope we will reconnect in a. loving, caring way and I hope she respects me enough to treat me with respect and kindness. I want a loving relationship with my daughter- and I have no problem with her telling me she is angry with me- but she will no longer treat me shabbily. I will not tolerate it.
I see this move on her part as hopeful- but I am still going in with shields up!
On another note, I got fed up with being the nice, loving MOM to my daughter who was treating me poorly-so I told her- we'll talk when you come up to see me- that was in mid December- no Christmas card from her. Nothing until mid- February when I received flowers!! what a surprise! She has lined up a counselor to see both of us- I hope we will reconnect in a. loving, caring way and I hope she respects me enough to treat me with respect and kindness. I want a loving relationship with my daughter- and I have no problem with her telling me she is angry with me- but she will no longer treat me shabbily. I will not tolerate it.
I see this move on her part as hopeful- but I am still going in with shields up!
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