Westexy

Even though I *know* I didn't cause my XAH's problem, I still toy with the thought that I contributed to it, or that the decisions we made as a couple caused it. I try to remind myself that many couples face the same issues we did, and make the same decisions we did, and they didn't become alcoholics. My XAH, by his own admission, is unable (I think unwilling) to process emotions in a healthy way. He says he can only process strong emotions with the help of alcohol. Even without me in the picture, he would have experienced events that caused him to experience emotions he needed to process. I'm not so wonderful or powerful or beautiful or horrible that I have some unique ability to make him feel strongly. I may have contributed to some of his hardships, but each adult chooses how to deal with our hardships and some of us need help to figure out how to do that.

hopeful4

The Three C's:

You did not Cause it, You cannot Control it, You cannot Cure it.

W999

There's an awful lot that's been said in replies here that resonates with me, thanks.

DesertEyes: What you said gives me great hope. I'm going to update my CV but I'm worried about how to explain the missing 7 years. I guess just being honest is the best bet there.

A few of you have talked about letting go and it's just the hardest thing to do. Right at this exact moment I'm still trying to fix and control the situation. The idea of just letting her go terrifies me and I really want it not to.

No she doesn't tell me I make her drink but there are times I think about in the past where I have encouraged her to have a drink. I'm talking about when life was good and alcoholism wasn't even on the radar. Certain social events for example where she would have felt uneasy I would have suggested a glass of wine etc to ease her worries. I feel so bad for this now as I feel like I may have pushed her onto the wrong path. When we first met she really wasn't much of a drinker and I've never been a drinker just socially. Over the years though, having a glass of wine at the weekends etc became the norm. For her the glass of wine turned into a bucket.

SparkleKitty

Yeah, you still didn't cause her alcoholism. No one can pushed there who was not, on some level, headed there to begin with. It is not about relaxing with a glass of wine. It's about not being able to cope with life on life's terms without it.

trailmix

Hi W999,

You encouraged your wife to have a drink without malice. Your intention was never bad. Drinking in our society is a norm, like it or not and having a drink to ease social anxiety is also a norm. Not saying any of that is GOOD, it just is.

Alcoholism is a condition that actually changes the brain. Physically changes the brain.

What are you afraid of? Afraid she will continue to drink. Well you have been at this 10 years and she is still drinking, so you can cast that fear aside.

Possibly, by taking a different approach, you might be helping her and you. Think about being employed, going to work each day. You are no longer her 24 hour a day caregiver and she is no longer someone with a 24 hour a day caregiver. Her time might be better spent at AA meetings than with you at home (I am saying this in the nicest way, just in case that isn't coming through in text).

Please remember that employers see people with gaps in their resume/CV all the time, it's not that unusual. Millions of women and many men take time off to care for children, for years.

If asked, a brief overview that your wife had a condition that needed monitoring would be sufficient I would think. At the same time letting them know that you have found alternate care for work hours. They don't need to know the details of your life.

You at work, making money which provides stability might really turn things around.

To answer your first question, no, it's not normal. You should seek help, maybe first from your GP with a referral for counseling. Please have hope, you can turn this around!

PuzzledHeart

What trailmix said. "I took time off to take care of a family member with health issues" is a pretty common line. And you've got aging parents, young kids, ailing spouse. From an employer's point of view, it's all the same ball of wax just as long as it's no longer an issue.

Smarie78

Thanks COD! I'm pretty sure it's more eloquently quoted somewhere by someone who made the great comparison about us helpers. I always think about my qualifier in that physical sense. Like in the movies when you see a person drowning, the rescuer will jump in trying to get them out of the water but the drowning man is so panicked he ends up pushing on the rescuer's head down and now HE's the one drowning. No sense in both people going under the water.

Smarie78

Letting go is still very hard for me and my few years with my qualifier pale in comparison to what it would be like to let go of decades. Remember that letting go doesn't mean neccesarily leaving her, it just means making room for your own recovery from all of this misery you have been through because of her drinking (which YOU did not cause.) Letting go is also part of acceptance. Accepting what is and not what you wish to be. I go through it now myself, wistfully wishing my qualifier didn't drink so we could have had the life we wanted. But he does. And we can't. So the best I can do is accept. As painful as it is. I breathe out and accept. And I find a way to live for myself as much as I can. It's a horrible disease and does a number on the loved ones. Not to mention, even if I didn't want to let go of him, he got away to the addiction anyways. In other words, nothing I could do short of locking him in a cage without access to any alcohol, could make me control him. No matter what I did he drank. No matter what he lost he drank. It's a tragic and dreadful disease. The very best, and the ONLY thing you can do now is live for yourself the best way you know how. It doesn't mean abandoning her, but it does mean accepting that this isn't your battle, and it's time to tend to yourself so you don't suffer the same fate.


In terms of causing this..... even if you encouraged a drink at times, the way alcoholism works is that nobody can really "cause" it. The brain has its own way of functioning and suggesting a drink to ease nerves or have a little fun is not what creates addiction. It's no different then offering her a piece of chocolate cake after dinner and her having a full blown food addiction. Alcohol, like food, is there for most people to enjoy. But there is such thing as enjoying to an excessive amount where it begins to control your life. That is addiction. It doesn't mean that the people who offered you a piece of cake or a glass of wine caused you to not want to stop. It just means that something most people can enjoy without consequence, isn't something all people can enjoy. You would have had no way of knowing this. Even if you had, it will always be her choice.

I hope you can get to Alanon and get some support for yourself. Your pain is familiar to everyone here. It can only get better when we let go and accept what is.

Gm0824

W999, just wanted to say hi and welcome to the forum. I am sorry for what brings you here, this is a safe place to share with members that have a lot of knowledge regarding your situation. You've made a giant leap in your own recovery simply reaching out. I also recommend trying some face to face support in a group like al-anon or celebrate recovery. I do not have anything to add to the awesome advice you have received. I had my fair share of dark thoughts with my xah, mostly kept those aimed at him though ... none of it got me anywhere until I shifted my focus off of him and back onto myself.

GM

2ndhandrose

Welcome, W999

Have you ever landed in the right place!

I spent years blaming myself for my husbands drinking because I didn't call him on it when he increased from drinking several nights a week to drinking every night. I felt like if only I had spoken up at the time, it would have made a difference somehow. I felt that I had missed my window to stop this.

I have been in alcohol recovery for 3 years now and in codie (codependency) recovery for about a year.

What I have learned from the wisdom here, from those that generously share their experience here, has brought me a peace I never thought I would have about my husbands continued drinking.

The short of it - I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it.

The long of it is found in the collective wisdom here in the Friends & Family section of SR.

I sincerely hope you stay, read, and continue to post.