Embarrassed by my low self-esteem

Old 02-28-2018, 07:10 PM
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Embarrassed by my low self-esteem

Well, I started counseling today. I am hopeful. And, boy oh boy am I ready to address my issues. The readings here and books have helped me to know on a surface level what I want to immediately address. Self-esteem is a big one!

I’m sitting here embarrassed to admit to this, but I feel the desire to share. I found out from a friend that my ex is “smelly.” (The smell was described as decaying/dead skin cells, not a sweating out alcohol smell as he is currently on court mandated probation & not drinking.) Personal hygiene was definitely lacking for awhile, but it seems to be getting worse.

A logical response would be “why would I want to be with someone who is smelly and never brushes their teeth?” But nope. My response to hearing this news is “A guy who smells doesn’t want to date me.”
Now a week ago I would have been so worried about his health and the fact that hygiene and body odor are getting worse. I do feel bad for him, but today I am realizing that I need to address the fact that my immediate response was one of feeling rejected. Baby steps. I am focusing on my internal dialog and MY needs and not his “smelly self.”
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Old 02-28-2018, 07:44 PM
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Hi, mamselle.
You will find lots of support here.
How we feel about ourselves is huge when dealing with the addict in our lives.
Look forward to more posts from you.
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Old 02-28-2018, 09:40 PM
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It is because at one point your ex was attainable/obtainable but now your ex is not. It is part of your life. And that is what you are holding on to.

When someone talks about your ex, it is almost like hitting your self confidence of who you have chosen to be with in the past. And even worse, your ex does not want you.

I will say this about self esteem--you have the choice to be with someone who has positive traits--they smell good, they have good hygiene, they brush their teeth, they comb their hair, they are loyal, they are kind, they are financially responsible, etc. And it starts with yourself to have those positive traits as well.

I learned a lot about myself by dating different guys before I met my husband. I knew what I really wanted in a relationship and who I really needed to be to get to that point. It was a learning experience.
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Old 03-01-2018, 09:21 AM
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No need to be embarrassed, it's not an uncommon thought, although, of course, not good for you either.

The fact that you realized your negative thinking on it immediately is a good thing and that's progress!

I know it seems silly, but turning your thinking around to speaking to yourself in a more positive way is a big deal. It really does help. It's not about "fooling" yourself in to believing something you are not, which irks people who are practical, it's about being realistic.

I'm sure you have tons of good traits, how often do you tell yourself about those? When is the last time you thought, hey, I am a nice person, i'm kind, i'm fun, I want the best for other people. Hey, I look good today!

It's not about being self-centered, it's about having at least a balanced view of who you are.

Anyway, just my thoughts, glad you are posting!
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Old 03-01-2018, 09:32 AM
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Thank you for sharing mamselle. Maintaining healthy self esteem is hard for me as well and I connected with what your wrote. How exciting to start counseling and I love that you have a list ready to take with you of things you are wanting to delve deeper into.

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Old 03-01-2018, 10:38 PM
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A logical response would be “why would I want to be with someone who is smelly and never brushes their teeth?” But nope. My response to hearing this news is “A guy who smells doesn’t want to date me.”

Mamselle, you made me laugh out loud! I can so identify with your thinking! Fortunately, you see the humor in your initial response....
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