Stacy0701

My husband & I have turned into roommates since last October. He sleeps on the couch, sometimes comes to bed in the middle of the night but we have not been intimate in months. He is a high functioning alcoholic so he is not that guy who slurs his words or passes out but he consistently drinks an average of 12 beers a day. He holds a full time job & we both contribute equally financially. Most would never know he has a problem. But I do! They say it is a progressive disease but if we keep our home life steady, he stays steady but throw a wrench in it & his drinking is more noticeable & financially it makes me sick how much he spends each month! I went to a work conference last week & the speaker said if you can’t change it or accept it then leave it. She was talking about a job but I was thinking of my marriage. My husband always says he wants to quit but he blames me on not being a good wife so why should he quit. I do not fall for the blame game but don’t tell me you are ready to quit then say if you would do this or when you would do this… If you were ready, you would quit. I know this is his tactic to stay with the addiction. But when the speaker said if you cannot accept it, then leave it, it broke my heart for that is where I am at. I have tried to live with it for years but the bottom line is I cannot accept it & if he does not want to change then there is one option left & that option breaks my heart. But my husband will not leave for he has no reason, we have a cozy home where we have 2 kids, we both work & contribute to the house & even though dysfunctional, he gets to keep drinking. So I am sure I am not helping by staying like this for he has no reason to quit but I struggle to be the bad person. To tell him if he does not quit, we need to separate & not because I hope he quits but for my sanity. I do not want to hurt him but the anger & resentment & bottling most of it up destroys my peace of mind, my hope, my joy! In the end what we have is not marriage. I hate feeling stuck for he is a great Dad & especially my 8 year old son would miss him terribly but roommates is not what I signed up for. He wants our marriage to go back to normal but we did not get in this place over night. I have asked him to go to counseling with me so we can have an outsider walk us through this & at first he said he would go but the last 2 appointments he made excuses. I get we have a lot of work to do & we will have to get uncomfortable & more is on his plate because of his drinking but it will be a lot of work if we get divorced too so choose the work you want to do! I just cannot stay like this, stuck for too much longer!

dandylion

Stacy...wanting to be out of a dysfunctional and miserable life situation does not make you a bad person. It makes you a person with a shred of self esteem still left and a sense of self preservation.
Whether you recognize it , or not, this is having negative effects on your child. You don't want to wait till the adolescent years to make the move...that is the worst time to make such a move.....because of the accumulated damage, by that time.....

BlownOne

I do not want to hurt him but the anger & resentment & bottling most of it up destroys my peace of mind, my hope, my joy

If you choose to leave and he gets hurt, so be it. It's nobody's fault but his own. He put himself in this position. Why should you suffer because he can't grow up and take responsibility for his life?

CentralOhioDad

I really should plaster this on my forehead.....

Gm0824

Hi Stacy, I feel for you. I tried being roommates with an A that I happened to be married to was next to impossible for me. I was loosing more of myself each day. I am happy to report that although it is financially difficult, today I am roommate free. Happy and loving all that life has to offer.

If he is unwilling to attend (addiction) counseling with you, what is your boundary/plan?

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

GM

dawnrising

With much love I'm your girl who stayed for 22 years until one kid was out of the house and one only had a little over a year to go. Your kids are already affected but they probably don't know its alcohol and they are probably internalizing it as something wrong with them. I don't say this to be cruel but its the truth no one escapes unscathed and mine AH was and still is high functioning. Everyone in the community/work/etc thinks he is a great guy but he gave that all away and was entirely different at home. Meet with an atty. to learn your rights and know that he can be removed from the home so your kids won't have to go thru the chaos of leaving.

imaj79

Wow, I could have written this post. Of course there are some differences, but I am dealing with nearly the same situation. You are not alone....