New to alanon, new to sharing my part
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 5
New to alanon, new to sharing my part
To all,
This is my first time reaching out instead of getting stuck in my own head not knowing how to handle my life or myself. Quick back story, i have been married to an addict/alcoholic for 5 years, we met when she first got sober and had 8 months, i immediately fell inlove with her, and drinking was never a huge part of my life so made the life decision to just not drink, we could spend more time together and just be happy, after her 13 month sober she decided she could drink, i was very uneducated to alcoholism, sure i went to meetings with her, listened and took in as much as i could but never understood to the point i do today, over the better half of the 5 years she has been in and out of the halls of AA and each time she has put great distance between us and we always come back to the love we share, until this last time she required medical treatment, now on day 14 all i can focus on is learning how i can deal with, us holding eachother every chance we had 14 days ago to feeling like the friend that just lives at the house and sleeps in the same bed, i understand mentally that she needs to commit 110% to the program to save her life and if she doesnt we will never have a future, but every day when i tell her i go take a shower i cry my eyes out on the bathroom floor, i dont have any close friends, my best friend is in the program as well and i dont want to burden her/him with my feelings, i know that will just push her farther way from me,
Its to the point where im no longer sitting in my recliner when she comes home im on the couch so this way i can have a chance to scoot closer to her and to maybe sneak and hand on her knee, but that last attempt ended with her 5 seconds later sitting forward moving a soda can and sitting back again, tonight i will be attempting my first alanon meeting and im so nervous, i have been alone each time she has gone back out, all i want to do is hold her tight every night and let her know im here for her and all i want for her is her sobriety and health and for our marriage, she has told me that she just needs to find herself again and then evaluate not just our relationship but all of them, again i understand and support this, it is still the worst heart felt pain i have ever felt in my life. Sorry for the 500 page run on sentence but i needed to get this all off my chest and im so happy i found this website, im just asking if anyone can please help me to find coping mechanisms to wait out these first stages of sobriety, witch i have been through before with my wife but this time i need another family that can possibly make it even a little easier. Thank you to who ever read through all of this
This is my first time reaching out instead of getting stuck in my own head not knowing how to handle my life or myself. Quick back story, i have been married to an addict/alcoholic for 5 years, we met when she first got sober and had 8 months, i immediately fell inlove with her, and drinking was never a huge part of my life so made the life decision to just not drink, we could spend more time together and just be happy, after her 13 month sober she decided she could drink, i was very uneducated to alcoholism, sure i went to meetings with her, listened and took in as much as i could but never understood to the point i do today, over the better half of the 5 years she has been in and out of the halls of AA and each time she has put great distance between us and we always come back to the love we share, until this last time she required medical treatment, now on day 14 all i can focus on is learning how i can deal with, us holding eachother every chance we had 14 days ago to feeling like the friend that just lives at the house and sleeps in the same bed, i understand mentally that she needs to commit 110% to the program to save her life and if she doesnt we will never have a future, but every day when i tell her i go take a shower i cry my eyes out on the bathroom floor, i dont have any close friends, my best friend is in the program as well and i dont want to burden her/him with my feelings, i know that will just push her farther way from me,
Its to the point where im no longer sitting in my recliner when she comes home im on the couch so this way i can have a chance to scoot closer to her and to maybe sneak and hand on her knee, but that last attempt ended with her 5 seconds later sitting forward moving a soda can and sitting back again, tonight i will be attempting my first alanon meeting and im so nervous, i have been alone each time she has gone back out, all i want to do is hold her tight every night and let her know im here for her and all i want for her is her sobriety and health and for our marriage, she has told me that she just needs to find herself again and then evaluate not just our relationship but all of them, again i understand and support this, it is still the worst heart felt pain i have ever felt in my life. Sorry for the 500 page run on sentence but i needed to get this all off my chest and im so happy i found this website, im just asking if anyone can please help me to find coping mechanisms to wait out these first stages of sobriety, witch i have been through before with my wife but this time i need another family that can possibly make it even a little easier. Thank you to who ever read through all of this
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Oregon Coast
Posts: 168
Loving an alcoholic hurts. We’ve all been there. We’re all finding different ways to deal with it. In my case, I had to walk away. Good luck to you and keep reading and posting here. You will learn a lot. Hugs.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Tobes.....the tighter you try to hold her...the more it will push her further away....
alanon should help....it won't "make it all better"...but, it can help, some......
alanon should help....it won't "make it all better"...but, it can help, some......
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
i really hope the meeting tonight helps
Truth is, we are there because of the alcoholic and not for the alcoholic. Many get disappointed with the idea that it is “US” that needs to make some changes and hard decisions for our lives.
Try and be open minded and try more than 1 meeting and in different locations. After my first meeting my thought was that is wasn’t for me. I tried another meeting and heard so many things I could relate to and the format was not like the 1st meeting I attended, it kept me going back. I enjoy the meeting style where someone has the topic and talks about it then opens it up for others to share. It’s in that sharing that I have heard things I needed to hear. Meetings where one person reads out of a book doesn’t hold my interest. Talking with others before and after the meetings are how I opened up my support system and found an outlet with others who could relate.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Tobes.....the tighter you try to hold her...the more it will push her further away....
This and I am the non alcoholic but that is how it works for me with my RAH. I don't want him touching me while I am figuring me out.
Read Codependent No More and I always recommend watching Pleasure Unwoven, a documentary explaining alcoholism and addiction. Educate yourself as much as you can. I never knew how little I knew about addiction until these past 18 months ( and I have lived with it for almost 16 years). It is confusing and painful for everyone involved. The addict needs space to work on themselves but so does the non addict because believe me, we have our own issues that got us to be involved with an addict in the first place. It is an ugly disease. I've only come to understand all the badness involved with it in the past year. There is so much more to it than just quitting drinking. Usually both addict and non addict need an overhaul and that means basically 2 different people which can be hard on a relationship.
Go to Alanon but I also recommend that you get individual therapy with someone who has an addiction background. Recovery time can often be just as hard or even harder than when the person was actively drinking. That's why you need to get help as well and take care of you. You can't make or keep her sober, it is completely out of your control. Find people that are in similar situations (at alanon, here) because unless you have lived it, it can be hard to really understand. People will be supportive but it can be very hard for them to really understand what you are going through. All of the focus tends to always be on the recovering addict but the partner needs just as much support and help as the addict. And that is hard for people to understand unless you have been there.
Take a deep breath, don't force or push anything and focus on you while she is focusing on herself. Yes it will be awkward but it is necessary to hopefully make it through this. Hang in there and keep coming back here for support.
This and I am the non alcoholic but that is how it works for me with my RAH. I don't want him touching me while I am figuring me out.
Read Codependent No More and I always recommend watching Pleasure Unwoven, a documentary explaining alcoholism and addiction. Educate yourself as much as you can. I never knew how little I knew about addiction until these past 18 months ( and I have lived with it for almost 16 years). It is confusing and painful for everyone involved. The addict needs space to work on themselves but so does the non addict because believe me, we have our own issues that got us to be involved with an addict in the first place. It is an ugly disease. I've only come to understand all the badness involved with it in the past year. There is so much more to it than just quitting drinking. Usually both addict and non addict need an overhaul and that means basically 2 different people which can be hard on a relationship.
Go to Alanon but I also recommend that you get individual therapy with someone who has an addiction background. Recovery time can often be just as hard or even harder than when the person was actively drinking. That's why you need to get help as well and take care of you. You can't make or keep her sober, it is completely out of your control. Find people that are in similar situations (at alanon, here) because unless you have lived it, it can be hard to really understand. People will be supportive but it can be very hard for them to really understand what you are going through. All of the focus tends to always be on the recovering addict but the partner needs just as much support and help as the addict. And that is hard for people to understand unless you have been there.
Take a deep breath, don't force or push anything and focus on you while she is focusing on herself. Yes it will be awkward but it is necessary to hopefully make it through this. Hang in there and keep coming back here for support.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Hi Tobes,
Welcome and sorry for what brings you here. You are in a tough situation and it's understandable to be so upset.
I hope you will find Al-Anon helpful. Hopefully when hearing other's stories you will find some comfort and some tools to help you deal with what's going on.
Your wife is obviously distancing herself and you shouldn't really take that personally (hard I know). In fact you might want to practice distancing yourself as well. Although it may seem counter-intuitive, based on how you normally are with each other, she is obviously hurting and is probably just holding on to her own inner strength, trying to sort out her head (i'm guessing of course).
In the past when she is hurt or confused, what is her reaction? This may be a normal reaction for her and may be one you have seen before.
It's scary to see the person you love become so distant, i'm sure, but do try to take care of yourself and I hope Al-Anon is a good experience for you tonight. Let us know how that goes.
Welcome and sorry for what brings you here. You are in a tough situation and it's understandable to be so upset.
I hope you will find Al-Anon helpful. Hopefully when hearing other's stories you will find some comfort and some tools to help you deal with what's going on.
Your wife is obviously distancing herself and you shouldn't really take that personally (hard I know). In fact you might want to practice distancing yourself as well. Although it may seem counter-intuitive, based on how you normally are with each other, she is obviously hurting and is probably just holding on to her own inner strength, trying to sort out her head (i'm guessing of course).
In the past when she is hurt or confused, what is her reaction? This may be a normal reaction for her and may be one you have seen before.
It's scary to see the person you love become so distant, i'm sure, but do try to take care of yourself and I hope Al-Anon is a good experience for you tonight. Let us know how that goes.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by trailmix
In the past when she is hurt or confused, what is her reaction? This may be a normal reaction for her and may be one you have seen before.
It's scary to see the person you love become so distant, i'm sure, but do try to take care of yourself and I hope Al-Anon is a good experience for you tonight. Let us know how that goes.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Yes, it can be tough and hurtful. Distancing yourself.
Although if you look at it from a different point of view it might help.
You aren't distancing yourself just for you, you are also doing it for her. She needs some emotional, physical space right now possibly and by you distancing, you are giving her that, so she can be comfortable (and probably comforted).
That doesn't mean you are "letting go", giving up on you as a couple or her as a partner, you are just taking away your expectations of how she should be right now, accepting her as she is.
Although if you look at it from a different point of view it might help.
You aren't distancing yourself just for you, you are also doing it for her. She needs some emotional, physical space right now possibly and by you distancing, you are giving her that, so she can be comfortable (and probably comforted).
That doesn't mean you are "letting go", giving up on you as a couple or her as a partner, you are just taking away your expectations of how she should be right now, accepting her as she is.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hey Tobes!
Hope your AlAnon meeting is helpful. AlAnon is what finally turned my head around and gave me some tools to unravel all the complicated and often conflicting feelings I have in regards to my alcoholic loved ones.
It sounds like you are very alone - AlAnon helps with that a little, but also just doing something nice and fun for yourself is a good idea. Any alcoholic/addict's world becomes very small as it becomes all about controlling their addiction, their access, their image, their denial. Codependents like us who love alcoholics can also end up in a shrinking world when our focus is on the A and all their grief, drama, struggles. It is always good for me to remember I have my own life, my own goals, my own health, my own problems, my own pleasures. With things that are my own I can effect change.
Unfortunately alcoholics drink, in spite of our love, in spite of our worry, in spite of our anger, grief, aggravation. I can make myself very sick and low and rotten when I focus on the A and not on myself. Taking a class in something I am interested in is always a good way to force me out of a bubble....I may not make a bff but it gets me out in the world and doing something positive to enlargen my world...time in nature always helps, and running or yoga which always gets me off a ledge and back in my body and remembering what it feels like to feel good!
Do something nice just for yourself. Just for today.
Peace,
B.
Hope your AlAnon meeting is helpful. AlAnon is what finally turned my head around and gave me some tools to unravel all the complicated and often conflicting feelings I have in regards to my alcoholic loved ones.
It sounds like you are very alone - AlAnon helps with that a little, but also just doing something nice and fun for yourself is a good idea. Any alcoholic/addict's world becomes very small as it becomes all about controlling their addiction, their access, their image, their denial. Codependents like us who love alcoholics can also end up in a shrinking world when our focus is on the A and all their grief, drama, struggles. It is always good for me to remember I have my own life, my own goals, my own health, my own problems, my own pleasures. With things that are my own I can effect change.
Unfortunately alcoholics drink, in spite of our love, in spite of our worry, in spite of our anger, grief, aggravation. I can make myself very sick and low and rotten when I focus on the A and not on myself. Taking a class in something I am interested in is always a good way to force me out of a bubble....I may not make a bff but it gets me out in the world and doing something positive to enlargen my world...time in nature always helps, and running or yoga which always gets me off a ledge and back in my body and remembering what it feels like to feel good!
Do something nice just for yourself. Just for today.
Peace,
B.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by trailmix
Yes, it can be tough and hurtful. Distancing yourself.
Although if you look at it from a different point of view it might help.
You aren't distancing yourself just for you, you are also doing it for her. She needs some emotional, physical space right now possibly and by you distancing, you are giving her that, so she can be comfortable (and probably comforted).
That doesn't mean you are "letting go", giving up on you as a couple or her as a partner, you are just taking away your expectations of how she should be right now, accepting her as she is.
Although if you look at it from a different point of view it might help.
You aren't distancing yourself just for you, you are also doing it for her. She needs some emotional, physical space right now possibly and by you distancing, you are giving her that, so she can be comfortable (and probably comforted).
That doesn't mean you are "letting go", giving up on you as a couple or her as a partner, you are just taking away your expectations of how she should be right now, accepting her as she is.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by Bernadette
Do something nice just for yourself. Just for today.
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
So glad to hear you made it to Al-Anon last night and that you found it helpful. Not sure if you live in a larger area but if so there are probably other meetings on different nights that you can attend as well.
Also good to hear that your outlook is more positive. Yes, it's a good idea to stay in the here and now.
Also good to hear that your outlook is more positive. Yes, it's a good idea to stay in the here and now.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
I'd also suggest some therapy(sorry if this was already mentioned) to figure out the 'why' of your behavior. I mean I understand codependency, in a been there done that sense. Therapy helped me a lot though. I also address my codependency issues when I go to AA,so good move on going to the Alanon meeting. But,man...you need your own life. You sound completely interwoven with her. That's never good. The whole 'eggs/basket' mentality thing.
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