AW - A Special Snowflake
My emotional baggage
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad 
She told me her dad wants to send her money, and she's going to setup an acct just for herself. I said that I have never had money 'just for me', that even when my mom died and left me a modest amount, I used it mostly on her (regretting that move now).
She said she doesn't trust me, that I've always been too secretive (well, when you live with an A, you have to protect yourself). She said, "I don't know if you're going to divorce me or what, so I just want to be prepared."
She told her dad just recently that she feels we have a lousy marriage - I'm sure it's all my fault, so now he wants to 'protect her' I guess. I wonder what he would think if he knew the truth? Well, since he enabled his AW and never protected my AW (his daughter), maybe he thinks it is all my fault. Though he has no idea that my AW drinks to excess.
She said she doesn't trust me, that I've always been too secretive (well, when you live with an A, you have to protect yourself). She said, "I don't know if you're going to divorce me or what, so I just want to be prepared."
She told her dad just recently that she feels we have a lousy marriage - I'm sure it's all my fault, so now he wants to 'protect her' I guess. I wonder what he would think if he knew the truth? Well, since he enabled his AW and never protected my AW (his daughter), maybe he thinks it is all my fault. Though he has no idea that my AW drinks to excess.
Take this junk out of the equation, it is all just quacking to get you to look at something else and not the main issue, her drinking.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by FireSprite
What is your relationship with her dad like COD? Do you have one?
FIL and MIL used to fight over the the mother's drinking, and they would put AW in the middle, and make her carry on the conversations between the two of them, because they wouldn't speak to each other for days or weeks at a time. I lost a lot of respect for FIL when I heard those stories, and then fact he never tried to protect his daughter from the mother's rages and drinking.
He's a smart guy, MUCH much calmer than MIL was, so he knows how to give people some space, and knows you don't have to talk every waking minute. But AW can give him a sob story like no one else. Now that my AW is all that is left, he wants to 'save' her from me, I guess.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
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Originally Posted by 4MyBoys
COD! You must be fighting like cats and dogs for this kind of stuff to come up. Remember who it is coming from also. I really have not learned until many years after I left, that I cannot necessary believe much of what came out of a A's mouth. I second guess everything he ever told me now. None of this may be real.
Take this junk out of the equation, it is all just quacking to get you to look at something else and not the main issue, her drinking.
Take this junk out of the equation, it is all just quacking to get you to look at something else and not the main issue, her drinking.
HUH????? I will give compliments, and they will be turned around as insults.. Mind-boggling
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
COD, i'm wondering. You mention your AW's parents live in another country, is your wife originally from another country?
I don't want to add another burden to your already (probably) over-burdened thinking but your wife wouldn't try to take your DS away to this other country would she?
Sorry if this is just an unwanted question, it just crossed my mind from what you just posted about the money being sent.
Edited to add: You mention she has a good job and does work hard, so I guess she is paid sufficiently. She said you may divorce her, which is absolutely true, however money can be transferred in a few minutes so I just wonder why he would be sending it now.
She may have other plans for the money (like moving out), I, of course, have no idea.
I don't want to add another burden to your already (probably) over-burdened thinking but your wife wouldn't try to take your DS away to this other country would she?
Sorry if this is just an unwanted question, it just crossed my mind from what you just posted about the money being sent.
Edited to add: You mention she has a good job and does work hard, so I guess she is paid sufficiently. She said you may divorce her, which is absolutely true, however money can be transferred in a few minutes so I just wonder why he would be sending it now.
She may have other plans for the money (like moving out), I, of course, have no idea.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Wow. She is a very unhealthy person. I would say she knows that you are divorcing her and the parents have sent her some funds for HER.
Big hugs COD.
Big hugs COD.
Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad
Whatever comes out of my mouth is wrong, completely wrong. Example: one day I said, I like that blouse you have on, it looks nice. Response from her: "What the F*ck is wrong with my other blouses, are they pieces of sh*t?"
HUH????? I will give compliments, and they will be turned around as insults.. Mind-boggling
HUH????? I will give compliments, and they will be turned around as insults.. Mind-boggling
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
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Originally Posted by trailmix
COD, i'm wondering. You mention your AW's parents live in another country, is your wife originally from another country?
I don't want to add another burden to your already (probably) over-burdened thinking but your wife wouldn't try to take your DS away to this other country would she?
Sorry if this is just an unwanted question, it just crossed my mind from what you just posted about the money being sent.
Edited to add: You mention she has a good job and does work hard, so I guess she is paid sufficiently. She said you may divorce her, which is absolutely true, however money can be transferred in a few minutes so I just wonder why he would be sending it now.
She may have other plans for the money (like moving out), I, of course, have no idea.
I don't want to add another burden to your already (probably) over-burdened thinking but your wife wouldn't try to take your DS away to this other country would she?
Sorry if this is just an unwanted question, it just crossed my mind from what you just posted about the money being sent.
Edited to add: You mention she has a good job and does work hard, so I guess she is paid sufficiently. She said you may divorce her, which is absolutely true, however money can be transferred in a few minutes so I just wonder why he would be sending it now.
She may have other plans for the money (like moving out), I, of course, have no idea.
She said she 'wants to be prepared' - I guess that means if I would file for divorce. She said she doesn't have a separate acct yet, but will. FIL told her that before he can send anything, he also needs to setup his own acct since his wife died.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
That's good to hear (that he doesn't have a passport).
Ok now I'm going to throw this out here, DS might have claim to this other citizenship (your wife's). In theory she could apply for this and for a passport from that country which may not have the same restrictions as the U.S. does.
Again, sorry about adding to your burden of thinking, although you have obviously thought all of this through and this probably isn't a new thought for you!
Hang in there.
Also, you know, the fact that she actually brought up possible divorce is perhaps a good thing. It shouldn't come as a surprise when/if you decide to serve her the papers.
Ok now I'm going to throw this out here, DS might have claim to this other citizenship (your wife's). In theory she could apply for this and for a passport from that country which may not have the same restrictions as the U.S. does.
Again, sorry about adding to your burden of thinking, although you have obviously thought all of this through and this probably isn't a new thought for you!
Hang in there.
Also, you know, the fact that she actually brought up possible divorce is perhaps a good thing. It shouldn't come as a surprise when/if you decide to serve her the papers.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Talk with your attorney about the laws around the gifted cash - it may still end up considered a marital asset..... but if memory serves, in some states keeping the gifted amount separate (never comingled) from joint funds disallows the non-gifted spouse to claim it in any way. I just don't know if this applies the same to gifts as it does inheritances (which it is NOT unless it was specifically designated in her mom's will - otherwise it's just a gift from dad). Where is Lexie when we need her??!? 
I'd skip any convos with dad about AW - it sounds like he's a lifelong card-carrying member of the Codependents Forever Association. He is very, VERY unlikely to have any compassion for what is happening or even believe it if he's graduated to professional level denial. If he doesn't see how their lifestyle hurt their daughter, I don't see how he'll care about DS's exposure to the same. I honestly think that speaking to him will only serve to make you look worse - now if he approaches you first - that's different.
Let her fall on her own COD - just my $0.02.
I think her spidey senses are tingling & she's feeling you out about it.... she's seeing what we are seeing - your tolerance & patience are eroded, any sense of humor you had about any of it is gone, your anger is growing, your resentments are starting to drive the bus some days.... & you've detached in ways she can't exactly define ~ she just feels the difference.
You might want to reconsider your timeline here before YOU get caught off guard - your empathy for her recent loss may just bite you in the ass because you can bet that if she decides to pursue divorce, she won't hesitate like this. She'll rush to action & you'll feel even MORE resentful about the whole situation.
I'd skip any convos with dad about AW - it sounds like he's a lifelong card-carrying member of the Codependents Forever Association. He is very, VERY unlikely to have any compassion for what is happening or even believe it if he's graduated to professional level denial. If he doesn't see how their lifestyle hurt their daughter, I don't see how he'll care about DS's exposure to the same. I honestly think that speaking to him will only serve to make you look worse - now if he approaches you first - that's different.
Let her fall on her own COD - just my $0.02.
I think her spidey senses are tingling & she's feeling you out about it.... she's seeing what we are seeing - your tolerance & patience are eroded, any sense of humor you had about any of it is gone, your anger is growing, your resentments are starting to drive the bus some days.... & you've detached in ways she can't exactly define ~ she just feels the difference.
You might want to reconsider your timeline here before YOU get caught off guard - your empathy for her recent loss may just bite you in the ass because you can bet that if she decides to pursue divorce, she won't hesitate like this. She'll rush to action & you'll feel even MORE resentful about the whole situation.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
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You might want to reconsider your timeline here before YOU get caught off guard - your empathy for her recent loss may just bite you in the ass because you can bet that if she decides to pursue divorce, she won't hesitate like this. She'll rush to action & you'll feel even MORE resentful about the whole situation.
My emotional baggage
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad
AW is originally from another country, yes. I've already thought about her taking off with DS and discussed that with my attorney - DS has no passport, and in this day-and-age he would need one to travel. I will not be getting him one anytime in the near future, just for that very reason. I would like to take him to Florida to visit some friends, but will have to check to see what kind of ID I need for him to travel. At one point during a drunken rage about 6 years ago, she did threaten to take him away so that I would never find him again. I took that as quacking.
She said she 'wants to be prepared' - I guess that means if I would file for divorce. She said she doesn't have a separate acct yet, but will. FIL told her that before he can send anything, he also needs to setup his own acct since his wife died.
She said she 'wants to be prepared' - I guess that means if I would file for divorce. She said she doesn't have a separate acct yet, but will. FIL told her that before he can send anything, he also needs to setup his own acct since his wife died.
The other thing is her comment about the money. I really think that was just for reaction. If I was trying to get ready in case of divorce, I DEFINITELY would not have told my husband about it. I would have hid that money SO fast.
And I guess it is three things. About the blouse comment to you. She is being a real B-word. She was just being mean. I want you to know that I think you are a good person. Its hard but try to always take the high road.
4MyBoys
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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The comment about her parents sending her money struck me as odd too - if she were tucking away money in the anticipation of a divorce (which would not be an irrational thing to do), why is she telling you about it, unless she is looking for some sort of reaction?
It sounds like the two of you are stuck in a dynamic in which she provokes and provokes and provokes until you respond to the provocation, and then she uses your response as more ammunition/evidence against you. I am thinking that there will never be a "good time" to spring the news of a divorce with that sort of dynamic.
You were really close to serving her with papers a couple of weeks ago. Could you give yourself a date on the calendar ("I will have her served on April 10") and then stick to it, instead of having a timeline that's dependent on events (her mother passing away, your recovery from surgery, etc)? Maybe on the same day as the deadline for filing taxes?
It sounds like the two of you are stuck in a dynamic in which she provokes and provokes and provokes until you respond to the provocation, and then she uses your response as more ammunition/evidence against you. I am thinking that there will never be a "good time" to spring the news of a divorce with that sort of dynamic.
You were really close to serving her with papers a couple of weeks ago. Could you give yourself a date on the calendar ("I will have her served on April 10") and then stick to it, instead of having a timeline that's dependent on events (her mother passing away, your recovery from surgery, etc)? Maybe on the same day as the deadline for filing taxes?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
COD.....I am going to go out on a limb, here....(again, lol)....I think it is POSSIBLE that she senses something is up....or that she figures that divorce is inevitable...so she sort of anticipates it....
You said that she is very intelligent....maybe, she is entertaining some sort of rudimentary "plan B", in her own mind....
Not necessarily anything elaborate...maybe, just sharing her marital state with her father..and, hopes for some extra economic support from him. That his wife just died, maybe it is his fatherly inclination to use this convenient time to send some dollars her way.
Look--we are all spitballin here, due to this new information....
But, I think that the take away is that she may not be as shocked at the divorce papers as you assume.....
And...consider all legal loopholes, involving citizenship/travel.....
You said that she is very intelligent....maybe, she is entertaining some sort of rudimentary "plan B", in her own mind....
Not necessarily anything elaborate...maybe, just sharing her marital state with her father..and, hopes for some extra economic support from him. That his wife just died, maybe it is his fatherly inclination to use this convenient time to send some dollars her way.
Look--we are all spitballin here, due to this new information....
But, I think that the take away is that she may not be as shocked at the divorce papers as you assume.....
And...consider all legal loopholes, involving citizenship/travel.....
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
I'm just saying,again,she senses somethings up. She's also preparing for divorce. Us addicts can be very smart/ruthless when it comes to ourselves. Watch yourself. I wouldn't be surprised if she had YOU served during your recovery. Just saying.
Edit: yeah..what Dandylion said.
Edit: yeah..what Dandylion said.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Ok now I'm going to throw this out here, DS might have claim to this other citizenship (your wife's). In theory she could apply for this and for a passport from that country which may not have the same restrictions as the U.S. does.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Sasha and Dandy - all good points, definitely makes me think.
Right now work is very stressful, I'm in almost constant discomfort - and sometimes outright pain - from this medical issue, I'm trying to get ready to be DS's baseball coach for the first time this year, and AW is drinking and b*tching her way thru life. And I'm still trying to keep the status quo with DS and keeping the house clean and the laundry done and DS fed.
Not complaining, just saying that I feel a bit beat down right now, sad, uncomfortable, and ready to crawl under a rock.
Not sure what the point was of saying all that - maybe just a 'feelings dump'. Yes, she needs to be served; yes, I need this damn surgery; yes, I need a break.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Right now work is very stressful, I'm in almost constant discomfort - and sometimes outright pain - from this medical issue, I'm trying to get ready to be DS's baseball coach for the first time this year, and AW is drinking and b*tching her way thru life. And I'm still trying to keep the status quo with DS and keeping the house clean and the laundry done and DS fed.
Not complaining, just saying that I feel a bit beat down right now, sad, uncomfortable, and ready to crawl under a rock.
Not sure what the point was of saying all that - maybe just a 'feelings dump'. Yes, she needs to be served; yes, I need this damn surgery; yes, I need a break.
Thanks for letting me vent.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 500
COD - I was left in a hotel room in another state after being released from the hospital - two days early(stupid insurance) from a very invasive brutal cancer surgery. I was supposed to be "piggybacking" pain meds every 2 hours four different medications. My AH went to "get something to eat" returned 3 hours later and passed out. I was in so much pain, scared, drugged out and swollen I couldn't even walk to the bathroom. I never thought that a person was capable of treating a human being like that. My next surgery 6 months later I asked my sister to take me because I just couldn't go through that again. For your sake please ask a friend, family, anyone to be with you for you and your son. God knows what your son might see when you are down for the count. You deserve to have someone care for you properly.
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