AW - A Special Snowflake
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
If you give and do and don't take time for yourself, what do you have to give?
I mean this sincerely and it's something I have been thinking about recently. If you are constantly "doing" everything and not taking those time-outs for self care or re-grouping or just getting a nice quiet evening and a good nights sleep, where do you muster anything for anyone else, like your DS?
Things have been a bit lopsided for me lately, more so than ever before I would say (or i'm just noticing it more). I'm no saint that's for sure so it's not that! But I find that I get to a point where i'm tired, I have nothing to give (to me or anyone else for that matter).
Do you find that COD?
Personally i'm working on that, I don't like this feeling. I am taking time, I am having a quiet evening at home, making sure I get the opportunity for a good nights sleep several times a week etc etc.
I mean this sincerely and it's something I have been thinking about recently. If you are constantly "doing" everything and not taking those time-outs for self care or re-grouping or just getting a nice quiet evening and a good nights sleep, where do you muster anything for anyone else, like your DS?
Things have been a bit lopsided for me lately, more so than ever before I would say (or i'm just noticing it more). I'm no saint that's for sure so it's not that! But I find that I get to a point where i'm tired, I have nothing to give (to me or anyone else for that matter).
Do you find that COD?
Personally i'm working on that, I don't like this feeling. I am taking time, I am having a quiet evening at home, making sure I get the opportunity for a good nights sleep several times a week etc etc.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
I'll power thru it when he's home, and then when he's a school, I'll rest..... and do laundry, and vacuum, and make dinner, and.....
I'll probably just end up doing more than I should and delay my recovery - because that's what I do!
I'll probably just end up doing more than I should and delay my recovery - because that's what I do!
Vacuum? Unless your kid is asthmatic, you could probably afford to skip the vacuuming and dusting for a bit. When I had surgery last year, the dust bunnies breeded in full force. I was way too tired to care.
If my husband suggested a maid service at any time, I would have been tap dancing on the counters. What Maudcat said makes sense... she doesn't want anybody finding the hidden bottles of liquor.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by DontRemember 
How long are you supposed to be 'laid up' for,COD?
I'm pretty sure that even though I have a 'desk job', I will probably be off work at least a week.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by Clover71
I say you hire one of those hot cleaners - you know with the little black dress and feather duster
(Sorry, I couldn't resist )
(Sorry, I couldn't resist )
Thanks for the laugh, Clover!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
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After last night, I'm ready to throw the damn papers in her face. She thinks that because she works extra hours per week and from home sometimes and on weekends, she should be entitled to having a week off for bereavement and not get dinged for it. The company is charging her PTO for that time, and she thinks it should be gratis.
I said, calmly: "I don't think ANY company would give you a week off 'just because'. " Again, she's so special. Well, you would have thought I stabbed her in the heart! So, I said to her after I got back from the dog walk, "If you feel that strongly about it, then get a lawyer and take them to court!" She said, "Oh, I can talk to so many lawyers and bankrupt the company!" (Riiiiight). I said to do then. She said, "Oh, why bother?" I said, well, you seem to be quite convinced it's unfair and illegal, so instead of yelling about it - take action!" Nope, she won't. She's threatened this type of stuff before and never does anything.
I've even called her out on it and said, "I talked to a lawyer about your situation since you feel so strongly" - she got all indignant!! I said, "Just trying to help!"
Just a bunch of quacking
Five minutes later she is calling me every name in the book, says I hate humanity, etc., etc. There's a bunch more that was said, but I'm not typing it all now. I'm not a supportive husband, I'm a sh*tty person (hundreth time I've heard that), she's been miserable since we got married, blah, blah, blah.
I grabbed the leash, took the dog for a walk, and then went to bed. She was bleary-eyed when I came back, and was face-planted on the kitchen island soon thereafter.
This is soooo exhausting.
I said, calmly: "I don't think ANY company would give you a week off 'just because'. " Again, she's so special. Well, you would have thought I stabbed her in the heart! So, I said to her after I got back from the dog walk, "If you feel that strongly about it, then get a lawyer and take them to court!" She said, "Oh, I can talk to so many lawyers and bankrupt the company!" (Riiiiight). I said to do then. She said, "Oh, why bother?" I said, well, you seem to be quite convinced it's unfair and illegal, so instead of yelling about it - take action!" Nope, she won't. She's threatened this type of stuff before and never does anything.
I've even called her out on it and said, "I talked to a lawyer about your situation since you feel so strongly" - she got all indignant!! I said, "Just trying to help!"
Just a bunch of quacking
Five minutes later she is calling me every name in the book, says I hate humanity, etc., etc. There's a bunch more that was said, but I'm not typing it all now. I'm not a supportive husband, I'm a sh*tty person (hundreth time I've heard that), she's been miserable since we got married, blah, blah, blah.
I grabbed the leash, took the dog for a walk, and then went to bed. She was bleary-eyed when I came back, and was face-planted on the kitchen island soon thereafter.
This is soooo exhausting.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
COD.....at the risk of wal king where angels fear to tread....
I think it can be hard and confusing for men, sometimes....because w hen we women are ventilating about something...many times all we want is a hug and just empathetic listening...while men are inclined to solve the problem and just go to the "bottom line"....
As a wo man, myself...I have felt like that is cold and dismissive of my feelings....
I have had to "school" more than one m an on that...lol.....
I think it can be hard and confusing for men, sometimes....because w hen we women are ventilating about something...many times all we want is a hug and just empathetic listening...while men are inclined to solve the problem and just go to the "bottom line"....
As a wo man, myself...I have felt like that is cold and dismissive of my feelings....
I have had to "school" more than one m an on that...lol.....
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
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I hear ya, Dandy, and I try to do that - she is usually the one who does what men do and tells everyone what they should be doing.
The reason I came out with the lawyer thing is that I knew she was full of it, I knew she didn't have a leg to stand on, I knew it was all a bunch of quacking, and I just wanted to stop it all. Plus, because she said I've never been supportive, I was throwing in "then let's do this and I'll help you!" line - because I knew she would never follow thru on it, but at least I 'helped'.
The reason I came out with the lawyer thing is that I knew she was full of it, I knew she didn't have a leg to stand on, I knew it was all a bunch of quacking, and I just wanted to stop it all. Plus, because she said I've never been supportive, I was throwing in "then let's do this and I'll help you!" line - because I knew she would never follow thru on it, but at least I 'helped'.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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COD, I wonder about the wisdom of trying to "call her out" on things or respond to her accusations that you're never supportive. In similar situations, I found that what I call the "cardboard cutout" theory has helped.
What I mean is: when ex was trying to get at me with "you don't respect me", "you're a self-righteous b!tch and you don't care about Kid", on and on, I came to think of it as him not talking to me at all but to some kind of cardboard cutout, like the kind you see at carnivals, which he had painted my name on. He was actually talking past me (the real me) - talking at some figure from his past (in his case, his alcoholic mother) or some figment of his imagination (the evil, mean wife who has to exist in order for him to justify his drinking). He's not talking to a person who exists in the here and now (me), he's yammering at some cardboard cutout figure in his mind.
Because he's not actually talking to me (at best, he's talking at me or past me), there's no need for me to respond or to try to engage with his distortions and untruths.
This didn't make it any more pleasant to be subjected to these rants, but it relieved me of the pressure to "get my story out there" or "call him out".
What I mean is: when ex was trying to get at me with "you don't respect me", "you're a self-righteous b!tch and you don't care about Kid", on and on, I came to think of it as him not talking to me at all but to some kind of cardboard cutout, like the kind you see at carnivals, which he had painted my name on. He was actually talking past me (the real me) - talking at some figure from his past (in his case, his alcoholic mother) or some figment of his imagination (the evil, mean wife who has to exist in order for him to justify his drinking). He's not talking to a person who exists in the here and now (me), he's yammering at some cardboard cutout figure in his mind.
Because he's not actually talking to me (at best, he's talking at me or past me), there's no need for me to respond or to try to engage with his distortions and untruths.
This didn't make it any more pleasant to be subjected to these rants, but it relieved me of the pressure to "get my story out there" or "call him out".
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Thank you for sharing this Sasha, it's an excellent post.
Originally Posted by Sasha1972
COD, I wonder about the wisdom of trying to "call her out" on things or respond to her accusations that you're never supportive. In similar situations, I found that what I call the "cardboard cutout" theory has helped.
What I mean is: when ex was trying to get at me with "you don't respect me", "you're a self-righteous b!tch and you don't care about Kid", on and on, I came to think of it as him not talking to me at all but to some kind of cardboard cutout, like the kind you see at carnivals, which he had painted my name on. He was actually talking past me (the real me) - talking at some figure from his past (in his case, his alcoholic mother) or some figment of his imagination (the evil, mean wife who has to exist in order for him to justify his drinking). He's not talking to a person who exists in the here and now (me), he's yammering at some cardboard cutout figure in his mind.
Because he's not actually talking to me (at best, he's talking at me or past me), there's no need for me to respond or to try to engage with his distortions and untruths.
This didn't make it any more pleasant to be subjected to these rants, but it relieved me of the pressure to "get my story out there" or "call him out".
What I mean is: when ex was trying to get at me with "you don't respect me", "you're a self-righteous b!tch and you don't care about Kid", on and on, I came to think of it as him not talking to me at all but to some kind of cardboard cutout, like the kind you see at carnivals, which he had painted my name on. He was actually talking past me (the real me) - talking at some figure from his past (in his case, his alcoholic mother) or some figment of his imagination (the evil, mean wife who has to exist in order for him to justify his drinking). He's not talking to a person who exists in the here and now (me), he's yammering at some cardboard cutout figure in his mind.
Because he's not actually talking to me (at best, he's talking at me or past me), there's no need for me to respond or to try to engage with his distortions and untruths.
This didn't make it any more pleasant to be subjected to these rants, but it relieved me of the pressure to "get my story out there" or "call him out".
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by dandylion
Seems like you marriage has moved to a cold war stage.
It makes me think of the "Itchy and Scratchy Show"...from the Simpsons.....
It makes me think of the "Itchy and Scratchy Show"...from the Simpsons.....
I'm also wondering if YOU'VE changed COD - not in a bad way, but in that way of becoming more accepting & ready to move to the next stage of all this. You're a little less tolerant now maybe, knowing there is an end in sight even if it's getting delayed? You're dealing with all this, your medical issues & probably future-tripping quite a bit (attempt to control) about what's coming down the line.
In a way, having made the decision to serve the papers might have increased your discomfort. Somewhere inside I bet that Self part of you that has been dormant is getting TIRED of being poked at like this because the reality is that no matter how skilled you are at disengaging, it's not a sustainable exercise that works for long lengths of time, especially with active, vile addiction.
I think she's stayed very much the same & you are evolving & it is starting to affect the day-to-day dynamic between you. As always - just my opinions here.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
I would strongly suggest that your hire the help COD. She could not be left alone for 2.5 hours without passing out, what do you think will happen when you are bed bound and recouping from back surgery?
She's shown herself to be selfish and untrustworthy.
You need someone who can keep an eye out on the kids and also help you...unfortunately, your wife does not seem like she can be counted on.
Another thing is that if you are given pain pills, she might want to shave and take some for herself. Having an aide might help keep a lid on that.
Expect to be given a lot of quack (oops I meant flak) for hiring someone but bottom line, you got to take care of number one!
She's shown herself to be selfish and untrustworthy.
You need someone who can keep an eye out on the kids and also help you...unfortunately, your wife does not seem like she can be counted on.
Another thing is that if you are given pain pills, she might want to shave and take some for herself. Having an aide might help keep a lid on that.
Expect to be given a lot of quack (oops I meant flak) for hiring someone but bottom line, you got to take care of number one!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
I'm also wondering if YOU'VE changed COD - not in a bad way, but in that way of becoming more accepting & ready to move to the next stage of all this. You're a little less tolerant now maybe, knowing there is an end in sight even if it's getting delayed? You're dealing with all this, your medical issues & probably future-tripping quite a bit (attempt to control) about what's coming down the line.
In a way, having made the decision to serve the papers might have increased your discomfort. Somewhere inside I bet that Self part of you that has been dormant is getting TIRED of being poked at like this because the reality is that no matter how skilled you are at disengaging, it's not a sustainable exercise that works for long lengths of time, especially with active, vile addiction.
I think she's stayed very much the same & you are evolving & it is starting to affect the day-to-day dynamic between you. As always - just my opinions here.
You don't a severely depressed individual, and then pour 750mL of depressants down their throat - it's just not going to end well.
I'm a bit PO'd that God gave me this injury that delays me and forces me to be taken care of by someone who hates me to begin with. Makes no sense. I know, she really hates herself more.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
If she nurses you, she can definitely use that as an amno when/if you ever file for divorce.
I can tell you that being a caretaker is stressful. I have been taking care of my friend for the past few years who has had several blood clots and is bed bound more often than not. I also work, have friends and a side business.
I can handle it because I have some years in recovery under my belt.
There is no freaking way I could have handled it when I was still actively drinking.
Between feeling crappy from the hangovers, the depression and the compulsion to lock myself in and drink I could not have dedicated myself to caring round the clock for someone sick or hurt.
Hire some help if you can afford it.
I can tell you that being a caretaker is stressful. I have been taking care of my friend for the past few years who has had several blood clots and is bed bound more often than not. I also work, have friends and a side business.
I can handle it because I have some years in recovery under my belt.
There is no freaking way I could have handled it when I was still actively drinking.
Between feeling crappy from the hangovers, the depression and the compulsion to lock myself in and drink I could not have dedicated myself to caring round the clock for someone sick or hurt.
Hire some help if you can afford it.
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