First time poster
 

This is a little off topic, sorry. I've been lurking on this site for a few months absorbing all the wisdom as I try to navigate my separation and divorce from my AH. Long story short, he had an emotional affair with a longtime family friend of his families. After we had a fight, he abruptly left out family and moved in with hers.
I believe he is a high functioning alcoholic. I believe he was drinking probably fifteen 30 packs a month. He would drive drunk, and has driven drunk with our child in the car. He has rageful moments, and I believe his drinking, lies, and anger made it difficult for me to trust him and respond to him in the way he wanted me to.
He has been living with this other woman for a few months, and when he talks to or texts our daughter, he always says "We love you." That drives me crazy! This woman barely knows my daughter, she tries to act like my daughter's mom, and my husband sees nothing wrong with this.
Can somebody help talk me down off the ledge, why do they do this! It is so disrespectful!
I've been trying to read Codependent No More, I've gone to a few Al-Anon meetings, I've been going to counseling for a few months, but this still bothers me.
Sorry for the off topic rant!

Welcome Malisp and so glad you decided to post.

I don't have kids but that "we" would be pretty rough for me to swallow too.

Good on you for finding an Alanon meeting and reading Codependent No More. As you no doubt have realized, this sort of thing hurts beyond anything most of us imagined.

Big hug to you and let us know how you get on.

Hi, Malisp.
Welcome to SR.
Glad you are finding ways to help you deal.
For the record, he doesn’t sound terribly high functioning to me.
I think of high functioning as a stage in alcohol addiction, not a type.
I hope to hear more from you.
This is an amazingly supportive place.
Peace.

Malisp.....rem ember that your daughter KNOWS who her mother is.
I get it ...how irritating that this must be...but, don't let your "ego" draw you into fights with these people.
I remember a statement that was made in a Marriage and Family course that I had to take...It was that most children level out from any effects of the divorce (adjust)...during the first two years after the divorce.....That the problems that persist are from the fighting between the parents...not the a ctual divorce.....

why do they do this!
because theyre sick.alcohol can cause delusional thoughts.

on that high functioning alcoholic thing:
-I believe he was drinking probably fifteen 30 packs a month.thats 15 beers/day average.
-He would drive drunk, and has driven drunk with our child in the car.
- He has rageful moments,
- his drinking, lies, and anger made it difficult for me to trust him
-he had an emotional affair with a longtime family friend of his families.
-He has been living with this other woman for a few months,

thats not actions of someone high functioning anything

Dear Malisp
You are doing everything you can to help yourself and the situation.
Your husband is demonstrating to his own children that it is okay to be an addict and cheat with someone outside his marriage.
He has chosen an atrocious way to live, and no one can make you feel better about it.
Perhaps in the past, the culture at large would have shunned someone like this and made it difficult for him to make a living. Unfortunately, that culture is gone.
Keep doing what you're doing. Eventually your feelings will follow your actions.

Thanks for the support. After living with the lies and secrets for so many years, it is hard to trust my own thoughts.
The reason I say high functioning is that he has had the same job for over twenty years and hasn't had a DUI. The fifteen beers a day was a guess based on how many empty boxes I found and their expiration dates after he left. Most of the time I never saw him drink. He hid it, literally locking me out of rooms of our property.
He comes from a family of heavy drinkers, several of whom have had DUIs, so his behavior is normal to them. I'm sure his family, along with him, think I made a big deal out of nothing.
And I never told people about his drinking(everybody knew he drank, just not how much) and how he acted behind closed doors.
Thanks again for the support!

Hi Malisp, I think you've received some great input on this already. I was also a long time lurker before actually creating an account. Sounds like you have taken some great strides to help yourself heal, learn and grow.

How old is your daughter? Do you have other children? Is there a visitation schedule currently in place and is he following it or are the text messages about it?

GM

Here's the thing about the term "high functioning": it refers to a STAGE of alcoholism, not a TYPE.

This thing is progressive. Left untreated, it will get worse over time.

Keep your head clear and in the game. DON'T say anything to your daughter about this, "we love you" stuff. Kids figure that out all on their own.

It can be a tough pill to swallow, but you are the mom. Your daughter knows that. As long as she is be treated well by all parties on visitation day(s).

It’s good to rant, let it all out here but be sweetness and light to them. How old is your daughter? Based on the time you are together I would say she is old enough to know exactly what is happening. Show her how a woman who respects herself treats the whole situation, detach from him ASAP, hold your head high, keep at all your counselling, Al Anon and reading. Time will heal your wounds.

My daughter is 11, and she is an only child. She also has mild Aspergers, ADHD, and maybe anxiety(not officially diagnosed).
We do have a custody order in place, but I have been having problems with him not honoring her commitments on his weekends. He lies to other people to cancel her lessons, and tells them to not tell me. He tells her he won't take her to her sports meets on his weekends as well. We did have a problem last weekend that my daughter's therapist and psychiatrist called Child Protective Services about, he just doesn't know yet.
I try my hardest to be no contact with him, and not involve my daughter. She comes to me about things going on her dads weekends, and asks me to have a judge tell her dad that he can't do certain things.
In spite of it all, she loves her dad, and I feel that she tries to play both of us off the other.

That was so sad to read. How can anyone who creates a human being be that much of an asshat to treat the child like that? No child should ask you to tell a judge to tell daddy to stop doing things!!

He would drive drunk, and has driven drunk with our child in the car. He has rageful moments,


He lies to other people to cancel her lessons, and tells them to not tell me. He tells her he won't take her to her sports meets on his weekends as well. We did have a problem last weekend that my daughter's therapist and psychiatrist called Child Protective Services about, he just doesn't know yet.
She comes to me about things going on her dads weekends, and asks me to have a judge tell her dad that he can't do certain things.

And you still think its OK for him to have her unsupervised?

In spite of it all, she loves her dad,

Does she or is she just keeping the peace cos its the only version of normality she knows?

And you still think its OK for him to have her unsupervised?

I have no say in the matter. My lawyer and I tried to show the alcohol use and prior history of aggression in the custody hearing, but most things happen behind closed doors with no witnesses. And the mediator said that if he can't admit to a drinking problem with the evidence I could show, that sending him for an evaluation won't make him change his mind.



Does she or is she just keeping the peace cos its the only version of normality she knows?

Good question, I'm not sure the answer.

Make sure you keep a log book of everything that has gone on. No emotions...just facts.

Drop off/pick up times, activities, events, etc. Anything that she has gone to or missed. If this has to go back to court, THIS is what you will need to present to a judge. Judges don't want to hear, "He always does this" or "She never does that."

They want dates/times/facts.

Example:

02/27/18 - dad picked up at 5:30 pm. Missed gymnastics per Coach Jane Doe.
03/01/18 - mom picked up at 6:00 pm. Daughter said gymnastics were missed because they went to the movies and dinner. I emailed dad at 9:00 pm. Emailed attached ("Dad: Coach Jane Doe called and said daughter missed gymnastics on 2/27/18. Per the order from the court, each parent is to provide transportation to daughter's activities on days daughter is on visitation."

That's it. You don't have to say, "You worthless piece of $***! Why wasn't daughter at gymnastics?" Blah blah blah

You want a complete and concise record of the events. Then you will be able to have a good, strong paper trail for the courts. Your attorney can file a "show cause motion" if this keeps going on. Dad will have to answer to the judge why he isn't following the judge's order.

As far as your daughter is concerned, DO NOT LET HER PLAY BOTH SIDES. If she comes home and "tattles" on dad, just say, "These are adult issues and your dad and I will work out what is best for you."

Don't invite a child into adult matters (I'm not saying you are). It's not right and judges/courts don't take to kindly to that.

ETA: There's an app that courts can impose on both parties to use for visitation and communicating. It's called, "Our Family Wizard." It keeps a nice, little paper trail AND can be seen by the courts. It seems to keep everyone in their own lane. ;)

My heart hurts to hear about your situation, Malisp. I was thinking along the same lines as Learning14. I do not know all of your details but IMHO, as a parent that has dealt with parental alienation and xah's inappropriate behavior/talk with my own young children during visitations, him texting her directly should be off the table. Especially with your daughters Aspergers, ADHD and anxiety. It sounds like you are setting a great example to your daughter and sticking to the high road. The "we" love you bit would aggravate me and I would try very hard to not let anyone else know it. You came to a healthy, safe place to get all that off your chest to people who "get it" and I hope you keep posting and reading. :grouphug:

At what age would the court take your daughters wishes into consideration regarding the visitation?

Have you tried Al-anon?

GM

The "we" love you bit would aggravate me and I would try very hard to not let anyone else know it.

Only my closest friends know it, the ones that have been there and I can vent to.

At what age would the court take your daughters wishes into consideration regarding the visitation?

I'm not sure, my lawyer wants me to bring her in to see her at my next visit. She wants to gauge whether she could testify to s judge about what happened at her dad's last weekend.

Have you tried Al-anon?

I have, not sure it was for me. Everybody else seemed like there problems were worse, and I wasn't living with my qualifier anymore. I hate to say, I felt like a fraud. Like maybe my husband was right, that I made it a bigger deal than it was.
Thanks for listening!

Well you can vent to us too specially if it helps you keep it together for you daughter and the courts.

You might try a different Alanon. Each group will be different. It seems that most or at least a large percentage of us here have left our qualifiers. However just because we have left doesn't mean we don't struggle with codependency, and making healthy choices in our lives.

Malisp - I am happy to hear you have friends you can trust to get some of this off your chest.

That is great news that your attorney will evaluate your daughter. When I was in court, the judge would take tweens and teenagers to the judges chambers to ask them questions, so they were not in the formal courtroom setting. This might be an option your attorney could give you some insight on.

I agree with Bekind on trying a different al-anon group. I am not with my xah, but my experience with living with active addiction still "qualifies" me. The way my home group looks at it is it took a lot of years to get to where I was and al-anon offers a lot of tools to replace those unhealthy behaviors with healthy "normal" ones! I struggle with being able to ask/seek help without feeling like I shouldn't because there are others in worse situations. I feel guilty and undeserving most days. I am working on retraining my brain with some mediation. We are no less deserving than any other human being. I know there are other programs you could look into, like celebrate recovery.

When will you and your daughter meet with your attorney?

GM