frustrated1

I have an 18 year old AD, she is back to using and I was just wondering how do you live with an alcoholic? She moved out about 3 1/2 weeks ago and was gone for 10 days. Asked if she could come home we said yes but she needed to get the help she needed. She agreeded, said "Mom I love you but this thing has me by the throat". She came home and after 2 days she doesn't need or want the help anymore. I have been attending al-anon meetings and they really help but I still wonder how to live with her. I feel by providing her a car to use to go to work, warm meals and a house and bed I am only making it easier for her to continue using. I told her she had to clean the bathroom and her closet before she went out tomorrow and she laughed at me and said "you can't tell me what to do". I feel to tell her to leave would be in the best interest of myself, but she is my daughter and I love her to death. I worry what will happen to her if she leaves, but then I worry about what will happen to both of us if she stays. HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH AN ALCOHOLIC???

prodigal

Of course you love your daughter and want to help with her recovery, but she's made it clear she doesn't want that right now. In fact, she's showing you disrespect in YOUR home. As painful as it is going to be, letting her leave - or telling her flat-out she has to leave - may be the wake-up call she needs in order to turn her life around. I know you don't want your daughter to end up in a potentially dangerous situation or have her living destitute in the street, but she may have to hit that bottom before she decides she wants to be sober. As they say in AA, you have to want it more than anything else. Once an AA decides he or she wants sobriety at any cost, they'll start working the program.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Believe me, living with an alcoholic myself, I realize how painful it is.

Aquiana

I don't have kids of my own but maybe my parents situation with my brother would help. My brother is not an A, (he will smoke pot on occasion) but he's totally got the same personality. I love him but he's a user. He's 25 and has lived on his own for years.... but my parents have spent thousands of dollers bailing him out of financial problems. He won't pay his rent for months, and has lived without power and gas because he's gotten them cut off. My dad even had to pay for a cell phone for him because his phone got cut off. The problem is that he'll wait for my parents to pay for his stuff and then he'll spend his money on movies, cds, video games ect. Not only that but he's had friends live with him, (without jobs) so my parents are basically paying for them too.

My point is that my parents love my brother to death and they don't want to see anything bad happen to him but they are starting to realize that they are not helping him. He's not changing. If anything he's becoming more and more reliant because he knows they'll just bail him out. He's 25 like I said, he's an adult but he has no idea how to take care of himself. They are starting to get that he has to take his own lumps and maybe he'll learn something. What is he going to do when they are too old to work and can't bail him out anymore? He's not going to know what to do. I think you have to send them out on their own to learn things even if it's painful. Otherwise they may never be able to stand on their own. You can't take care of them forever. It's not good for them or you.

gelfling

First thing you want to remember is that it is your home. You call the shots and create boundaries. You woulnd't let a complete stranger come into your home and take over. The disease here is the "stranger". If it doesn't please her, the door swings both ways. Rough and harsh, but honest. Yeah, giving her the car and whatever else you do for her that she should be doing for herself is giving her the impression everything is free with no strings attached.

I've read other posts where people have set boundaries, including getting a job, finding their own transportation, etc., that their kids are required to pitch in around the house and if they don't, they're confronted with it and given an ultimatum. But you have to be ready to stick to your guns because if she falters and you find an excuse and forgive her, you're wrapped around her little finger and she'll walk all over you.

This is a tough one. I have an alcoholic son who is 24, but I Thank God he lives out of state. Otherwise, I would probably have to kick him out because he does have a "sense of entitlement".

Continue with your meetings. Talk to the people there and get feedback.

Going to meetings and understanding the current situation is a giant step for you and that's great. You're in my prayers.

Kathy

Weasel4IR

Hi frustrated1,

I know how you feel, I watched my mother for many many years pick my sister up and put her back on her feet. My dad always said their are two kinds of people in this world there are takers and there are givers and your sister is a taker! She moved back home more times than I can even remember or want to!

She drained my mother financially and emotionally and didn't care she is now 50 years old and still cannot live on her own and doesn't really have any job skills to speak of. She is clean as far as the drugs and alcohol are concerned but it just showed me what I did not want to be as an adult.

That is YOUR home not hers and she must respect you and your ways or I would tell her "you know where the door is, the same place as when you got here show yourself through it". Tough love can be the hardest thing in the world to do to a child, but sometimes you have to take that route for yourself! My mom loves all us kids the same and would do anything for us, the difference between all the other kids and my sister is we cared too much about my parents to ever intrude on their lives like that. So we all made it work out there in the big world.

Good luck to you, my prayers are with you!

Penelope