Helpless
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 1
Helpless
My younger sibling is an alcoholic, he has been drinking for nearly 10 years. over the last year or so he has begun to self harm when he is very drunk. Usually 2/3 weeks into a binge. He has again fallen off the wagon this weekend and we are in for our usual month to six weeks of hell. I honestly don't know how I will do it again. He refuses to get help for the addiction or what ever mental health issues are underlying. My parents are elderly and can't deal with him as a family we are being left to deal with this ourselves. Mental health services won't deal with him while he is drunk , which is the only time he actually wants help. When he is sober he refuses all treatment. We've tried everything we can think of , getting angry with him , ignoring it, supporting him , praising him when he is doing well and encouraging him to talk to us or to anyone. My fear is that one night he will take his own life while drunk. . I already have a full plate , I've my own issues and two elerdrly parents. I don't know how much more this I can take and have no idea how to fix any of it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Winky, I am so sorry you are dealing with this, but I am very glad you've found us.
Educating yourself on alcoholism could be a great first step for you. On the main page of this forum, there is a series of posts called "Stickies", that are just packed with experience, strength and hope about loving someone with an addiction.
Also, the sister organization to AA is called Al-Anon, and it is specifically for supporting loved ones of alcoholics. This forum is fantastic, but nothing quite measures up to real life face-to-face support from people who understand.
What I am going to say now will be hard to hear, and you will resist it: You cannot fix it. If your brother is to recover from this, he is going to have to find the willingness to seek help himself. Until then, his addiction will progress, and no one can say how slow or how fast. The only thing we can do is protect ourselves from the consequences of his behaviors.
You have a lot on your plate already, and your brother is an adult. As much as you might wish he made better choices, it is his right to drink as much as he wants to. It is your right to let him know you love him, but also to leave him to it. I know you are afraid of him hurting himself, but the fact is, if he is determined to do so, there is nothing you can do to stop him.
Sending you strength and courage,
Educating yourself on alcoholism could be a great first step for you. On the main page of this forum, there is a series of posts called "Stickies", that are just packed with experience, strength and hope about loving someone with an addiction.
Also, the sister organization to AA is called Al-Anon, and it is specifically for supporting loved ones of alcoholics. This forum is fantastic, but nothing quite measures up to real life face-to-face support from people who understand.
What I am going to say now will be hard to hear, and you will resist it: You cannot fix it. If your brother is to recover from this, he is going to have to find the willingness to seek help himself. Until then, his addiction will progress, and no one can say how slow or how fast. The only thing we can do is protect ourselves from the consequences of his behaviors.
You have a lot on your plate already, and your brother is an adult. As much as you might wish he made better choices, it is his right to drink as much as he wants to. It is your right to let him know you love him, but also to leave him to it. I know you are afraid of him hurting himself, but the fact is, if he is determined to do so, there is nothing you can do to stop him.
Sending you strength and courage,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi Winkydink--
Glad you found this forum.
Ditto everything SparkleKitty said.
I have 3 A bros and coming to a place of acceptance that, yes, they may die from this, or worse, harm someone else, was (is) the hardest thing in my life.
I am decades into this story though and I found out a long time ago the 3 C's:
Didn't Cause it.
Can't Control it.
Can't Cure it.
Before I REALLY accepted that truth though I nearly lost my mind with worry, fear, anger, frustration, attempts at control. My focus on their problems and their health took away from my own mental health and led me to spend money, time, and brain power to absolutely no good end. Found out it's healthier and saner to focus on myself and my own problems.
I love my brothers, and they know that. But love does not mean I sacrifice my life/mental health on the altar of their addiction.
Let go or be dragged.
Therapy and AlAnon gave me the tools to start to relieve the sadness, anxiety, and guilt. It never goes away for me completely but it is so much better and I can have peace of mind in my life if I choose to have it.
Peace,
B.
Glad you found this forum.
Ditto everything SparkleKitty said.
I have 3 A bros and coming to a place of acceptance that, yes, they may die from this, or worse, harm someone else, was (is) the hardest thing in my life.
I am decades into this story though and I found out a long time ago the 3 C's:
Didn't Cause it.
Can't Control it.
Can't Cure it.
Before I REALLY accepted that truth though I nearly lost my mind with worry, fear, anger, frustration, attempts at control. My focus on their problems and their health took away from my own mental health and led me to spend money, time, and brain power to absolutely no good end. Found out it's healthier and saner to focus on myself and my own problems.
I love my brothers, and they know that. But love does not mean I sacrifice my life/mental health on the altar of their addiction.
Let go or be dragged.
Therapy and AlAnon gave me the tools to start to relieve the sadness, anxiety, and guilt. It never goes away for me completely but it is so much better and I can have peace of mind in my life if I choose to have it.
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Wow, you have a LOT on your shoulders. I hear with you worrying about your brother. I have a younger sister doing the same alcoholic dance. Six months ago I cut out all contact. It was hard, I love her and worry about her. But, she's not taking me down with her. Where are YOU in all of this? Where is your support? When do you get what YOU need? I will be going to Alanon for the first time next week. Please listen to everyone's advice, check out Alanon. It can't hurt at all, and it will most likely help a lot. Please check it out, you deserve help, peace and happiness too! And as another member said.....if you had the power to make him/help him stop drinking, he would be sober and happy right now. Love and hugs to you!
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