WifeofAddict25

Hi and thank you for reading my post. Need help and advice. My husband, whom I was together with for two years, engaged to for a year and just married 4 months ago, entered IP rehab for serious alcohol use 4 weeks ago. He got so sick one morning he begged me to get him help, this after years of denying he was even a heavy drinker, so I took him to a local recovery center. He checked in that day. The first few weeks he was gone I felt I could only take my life one hour at a time.

I married an active drinker. And he married an active enabler. I love him deeply and historically I would have dealt with almost anything because of my love for him. But little by little, as I recover, too, I do see how unhealthy it was to get married to an active drinker. He wasn’t in a place to make a sound decision about marriage. I should have told him I can’t marry you unless you are sober. But hindsight is 20/20 and I was just so blindly in love. I was also sick from the effects of the disease myself, if anyone can relate. My judgement was very, very affected, too.

Happy to say my husband has stuck with his program and calls me when he can from his facility. He sounds great!

He obv. could leave IP at any time but he isn’t. Amen. He has also said he wants to do IOP (at his facility) or sober living for 6, 12 or 18 months post-rehab, however long it takes him to get better.

While I am beyond happy for my husband, a 15-year drinker, that he finally is making healthy, sound choices for himself, I am
confused about what to do with our new marriage. 6, 12 or 18 months living away... with other men and women I do not know... me stuck in a new house we just bought for us alone....a lot to process... :/ How does a new marriage survive something like this?

Instead of celebrating this marriage, a new home we bought right after, etc.; I’m faced with not having a husband around for 6-18 months as he recovers. How connected can we possibly be after all that time and growth apart? To me, it feels like my husband is now using sober living as a way to stay disconnected from me in the same way he used alcohol. Should I bring this up with him and his therapist now or give us both more “one days at a time” while this question lingers in the back of my mind?

I understand his health (and my sanity) are a priority. I am grateful he went into rehab. I am actively involved in Al Anon now, too. I’m doing what I can to learn how I contributed to our situation and how I can cope with this disease. I know I’m supposed to live one day at a time and stay grounded in the present.

But I am also worried that I’m just not living in reality anymore if I think a marriage this new can survive a year of sober living apart, especially when my husband was not sober when or before he married me..

Has anyone been through anything like this? Come out, marriage in tact?
Should I literally let him go and let God? Ask for a divorce?

Or do I wait this out alone, keeping myself legally bound to someone who is absent and who could relapse, and who, now that I am finally coming out of the haze of illness, I can see is in a totally different place in his life than me? Overwhelmed and so sad. I adore my husband. I truly do. He makes me smile like no one else. He’s so amazing in every way. And it’s not his fault he has this disease. But for the grace of God, any of us could have it. But...

How can marriage survive any of this? Thank you for “listening.” I’ll keep coming back.

dandylion

wifeof addict....I will come straight to the point....I think your marriage will stand less of a chance, if you don't give him the space and time that he needs to recover.
I really don't see that there is much of a "choice", here.

I doubt that you have a realistic idea of how difficult the early recovery period is...while living under the same roof. Most say that it is worse than the previous drinking....and, that comes as a real shock to lots of people.

Most marriages don't stand a chance, when they are married to a long time heavy drinker....sa d, but true. At least your husband is one who seems determined to see it through.....because, lots of alcoholics will not go this far.
At least, you two have a fight ing chance...if he sees the program through, and you work your own program while he is away.

Lots of marriages have long separations without falling apart. Think of the marriages where one of them is deployed over seas for this long....
being with you is not going to make him get better, faster.....
If he comes home too soon....you might lose him forever, to relapse.....

there are no gurantees, any way you look at it...but, I think it would be better to go for the best statistical chance.....
this is my o pinion, of course...and, you will do what you want to do....but, I think that it is my duty to tell you the truth as I see it.
I have been looking at these situations for a long time...

My husband and I used to own an Oxford House....(a sober living, transitional house). We owned it, but Oxford House ran it. Most of the residents stayed from 6,onts to a year and a half. Many of them were married...and they got opportunities to see their families, while they were there....

WifeofAddict25

Hi Dandylion,

Thank you for your honest input. I need any and all honest input and sincerely appreciate it. I see what you are saying. Our marriage and health stand LESS of a chance if he comes home too soon. Point very well taken. So if we both still believe we love each other and want to be married then a sober living arrangement is the best hope for both of us. Got it. Peace to you. Bless you for helping people in recovery.

dandylion

Wifeof addict......I am giving you the following link to our library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones. There are lots of them....enough for you to read one every day...lol ...I hope you will. There is soo much to know. Knowledge is power.

Here is that link

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

These articles are within the "stickies", just above the threads.

Here is a basic fact...that cannot be overlooked or underestimated.....For the alcoholic..recovery is a like long process...and, involves a life long change of life style....
It involves a change in thinking...a change in attitude and a change in actions. One must live by the basic principles of recovery...and, they must be first priority...for the rest of life. There is no taking a first drink...ever again. There is no possibility of controlled or moderation in drinking. That is impossible for an alcoholic.
The disease is always waiting in the bushes for the alcoholic to become vulnerable or weaken in their commitment to sobriety. There is always a possibility of relapse....no matter how many years of sobriety.....

I think that if you stay with him...you need to really, really, understand and accept this fact.

I think this is especially important for any woman who wants to have children. Be very careful who you choose to be the father of your children.

Wheelsup

I have been married for 20 years and only recently began to truly 'fight' my H's alcoholism. I very much wish I had done it actively much, much sooner. I aym still struggling with trying to figure out why I haven't. I struggle with this just as much as I struggle with not slipping back into denial - denial that all is okay. (I am having a particularly hard time with denial this weekend.)

In group therapy earlier this week, someone asked what an A is supposed to do or say if they are in recovery. I knew my answer immediately: let us be truly separated - like I asked him. When separated, do what you need to do to recover. Move out, go to treatment, stay away as long as you need to to recover. Respect that I need this time too to recover as a co-dependent enabler. Just ... go and do what you need to do.

Instead ... I have a guy who is so much in active denial about the separation (which has to be in-house) that he recently was telling me about holiday plans - while he was drinking (of course). It boggles the mind. It makes my life horribly difficult and terrible - as I trying oh-so-hard to stand my ground on the drinking.

I say the above because I honestly think its great that your H is taking the proper space and time to get sober. Respect his wishes ... and his need to build new paths to staying sober.

Wheelsup

And one thing to add ... yes, my H's refusal to separate and deal with his A spells the end of our marriage. I could go into the reasoning why .. but it boils down to disrespect and the final realization from me that he is not at all trustworthy (nor will he ever be).

WifeofAddict25

Hi Wheels,

I feel your pain and identify with it so much. I agree with you; I am actually very blessed to have a husband who is even willing to acknowledge his issues and also willing to do what it takes to get this hard work done. While it’s incredibly hard on me not having a healthy, disease-free spouse, I do know us being separated is absolutely the right thing for him and for me, too at this time.

I’m starting to surrender to wherever this leads. None of us have a crystal ball, even when or if we have healthy spouses. Today we talked and he says he wants to stay married and do this hard work no matter what it takes and he seemed sincere. Time will tell.

I absolutely can see why, after 20 years, you are making the choice you are making. I’m sending you a virtual hug with wishes it brings you serenity. -Wifeof

Spence7471

WifeofAddict25,

I have a similar situation.. married only 2 months before my wife entered rehab for polysubstance abuse. It was an effort getting her in there, but in the end, it was her decision. She did really well with the 5 day detox, then 30 days of rehab, and finally 30 days in a transitional living facility (she comes home Wednesday). During all this time apart, we have been working on ourselves... and have done many family counseling session together and even some family visitation. We know that the longer she stays at the transitional living facility, the better for her long term sobriety.. but that is not an option because of our children. However, we have a good plan going forward, and she will continue to do an outpatient program upon returning home.

Now, as for our marriage, like you, she was actively using when we got married, and so I could file for an annulment based on those grounds. however, we have reaffirmed our love and commitment to our marriage, and are willing to continue. We are both aware of the challenges ahead... and will be doing couples counseling to make sure that any rough spots are worked with minimal stress and impact to her recovery. I am well aware that this marriage will require continuous work... but that is not a bad thing per se.

Your situation is one you will have to evaluate for yourself. For me, she is coming home to a structured living environment (similar to that of the transitional living facility) which we have both agreed to put in place for her recovery and my protection. It is not an ideal situation, and as time goes on, the structure will be eased to be more of a normal living arrangement. But one thing I do know from my experience is that my wife (and possibly addicts in general) need structure.. without it, their demons will get the better of them.

tomsteve

actually, i do. and every time i look into it i see a crystal ball.