Need advice
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 1
Need advice
Am i posting in the right forum? Hope so....
Anyone, hello this is my first post here
I need some advice. Im a recovering alcoholic, sober almost 3 years now. (The choice towards sobriety wasnt origionally exactly up to me, per say... lol but its the best thing i ever did and im glad every day i did)
Anyway back when i was drinking hard, my spouse was always right there next to me, we were great party buddies and best friends. After i kept getting in legal trouble cause of booze i was given a nice choice- sobriety or jail time. I choose to quit the liquor.
My spouse was what youd call a functioning drunk, and never got in any legal trouble. I think this is why he doesnt think hes got a problem... heres the story after i quit drinking i told him we should separate i didnt want to be around the lifestyle anymore. He begged for me back saying he will quit too, no problem. He went on deployment for a year, and i recently found out he lied the entire time. The whole time he was telling me "how great it felt not to wake up hungover" etc, but he was drinking at least 4 nights a week--hard.
When he came home i was set to move back in w him, but i noticed he still drank, and lied about it, and hid it. He choose going out w his friends rather than stay home w me watching movies on weekends.. i shoukd also mention he becomes verbally abusive when drinking. (But then acts like hes a victim and all his friends and family believe him)
He genuinely acts ashamed and sad like he does want to quit drinking, but then he lies and goes to the bar EVERY FRI AND SAT.
I wanted to help him, but his entire family enables him (its crazy how they can watch their 33 yr old son go home every year for a week and spend it entirely plastered and not think he has a problem.) In fact, they blame ME for all of his problems, and he allows them to belittle and verbally abuse me every chance they get, while he lies to them that im cheating on him, which is why i havent moved in (its not, obviously, i havent moved in cuz of his drinking, but they dont believe that)
He tells all his friends how awful i treat him, so they all hate me, and yet they go out every weekend drinking so they wouldnt be of any help anyway here...
I really didnt want to give up my marriage already, weve been together for over 10 yrs... but im about out of ideas.
When is the time to finally walk away from a situation like thjs? Hes abusive, he turns everyone we know against me, i dont have any idea why he feels the need to do that to me. Everytime i try to talk to him he just crumbles and starts screaming that im picking on him, he cant have a calm discussion at all about it.
Advice?
Anyone, hello this is my first post here
I need some advice. Im a recovering alcoholic, sober almost 3 years now. (The choice towards sobriety wasnt origionally exactly up to me, per say... lol but its the best thing i ever did and im glad every day i did)
Anyway back when i was drinking hard, my spouse was always right there next to me, we were great party buddies and best friends. After i kept getting in legal trouble cause of booze i was given a nice choice- sobriety or jail time. I choose to quit the liquor.
My spouse was what youd call a functioning drunk, and never got in any legal trouble. I think this is why he doesnt think hes got a problem... heres the story after i quit drinking i told him we should separate i didnt want to be around the lifestyle anymore. He begged for me back saying he will quit too, no problem. He went on deployment for a year, and i recently found out he lied the entire time. The whole time he was telling me "how great it felt not to wake up hungover" etc, but he was drinking at least 4 nights a week--hard.
When he came home i was set to move back in w him, but i noticed he still drank, and lied about it, and hid it. He choose going out w his friends rather than stay home w me watching movies on weekends.. i shoukd also mention he becomes verbally abusive when drinking. (But then acts like hes a victim and all his friends and family believe him)
He genuinely acts ashamed and sad like he does want to quit drinking, but then he lies and goes to the bar EVERY FRI AND SAT.
I wanted to help him, but his entire family enables him (its crazy how they can watch their 33 yr old son go home every year for a week and spend it entirely plastered and not think he has a problem.) In fact, they blame ME for all of his problems, and he allows them to belittle and verbally abuse me every chance they get, while he lies to them that im cheating on him, which is why i havent moved in (its not, obviously, i havent moved in cuz of his drinking, but they dont believe that)
He tells all his friends how awful i treat him, so they all hate me, and yet they go out every weekend drinking so they wouldnt be of any help anyway here...
I really didnt want to give up my marriage already, weve been together for over 10 yrs... but im about out of ideas.
When is the time to finally walk away from a situation like thjs? Hes abusive, he turns everyone we know against me, i dont have any idea why he feels the need to do that to me. Everytime i try to talk to him he just crumbles and starts screaming that im picking on him, he cant have a calm discussion at all about it.
Advice?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
It sounds like he has no interest in quitting drinking. With that in mind, the time to finally walk away from a situation like this is yesterday. Why he abuses you is a lot less important than the fact that he abuses you.
There are no magic words or actions you can take that will give him the willingness to change. All you can do is take care of yourself.
There are no magic words or actions you can take that will give him the willingness to change. All you can do is take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Hes abusive, he turns everyone we know against me, i dont have any idea why he feels the need to do that to me. Everytime i try to talk to him he just crumbles and starts screaming that im picking on him, he cant have a calm discussion at all about it.
Advice?
Congratulations on your 3 years sober. It doesn't sound like you have much happiness with this man ..if any. You know yourself from drinking in the past that alcoholism is progressive unless a person stops and, as he shows no sign of stopping or even wanting too, he is only going to get worse and your treatment from him and his family will get worse too.
When is the time to finally walk away from a situation like thjs
Only you know when you are done. I did 20 years with my exah. He got worse and worse and I got older and older. It's been a long hard road recovering with little chance of any other relationship now. If I'd left sooner I'd have had more choices about how I could live. As it is I m 57, still paying off marital debt, got our disabled adult kids living with me in rented and pretty stuck with what is on my plate. I don't regret leaving. I regret I didn't do it sooner. I face retirement alone with a very low income. I look back and I wish I'd bailed when our twin boys, now 19 were born. I'd have only wasted a year of my life then.
Advice?
Congratulations on your 3 years sober. It doesn't sound like you have much happiness with this man ..if any. You know yourself from drinking in the past that alcoholism is progressive unless a person stops and, as he shows no sign of stopping or even wanting too, he is only going to get worse and your treatment from him and his family will get worse too.
When is the time to finally walk away from a situation like thjs
Only you know when you are done. I did 20 years with my exah. He got worse and worse and I got older and older. It's been a long hard road recovering with little chance of any other relationship now. If I'd left sooner I'd have had more choices about how I could live. As it is I m 57, still paying off marital debt, got our disabled adult kids living with me in rented and pretty stuck with what is on my plate. I don't regret leaving. I regret I didn't do it sooner. I face retirement alone with a very low income. I look back and I wish I'd bailed when our twin boys, now 19 were born. I'd have only wasted a year of my life then.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
When is the time to finally walk away from a situation like thjs? Hes abusive, he turns everyone we know against me, i dont have any idea why he feels the need to do that to me. Everytime i try to talk to him he just crumbles and starts screaming that im picking on him, he cant have a calm discussion at all about it.
Advice?
This reminds me exactly of a moment when an A friend of mine called me sobbing at 6 in the morning many years ago after another terrible drunk troubling night and asked me "How do you know when you're an alcoholic?" I said, "When you call your friend at 6 in the morning in a panic and ask that question!" He was a mess and said he was going to find a meeting that day. He did 90 meetings in 90 days got sober, is still sober and wonderfully living in recovery! Point is: he knew before he asked the question. We (his non A friends) had all been telling him for years that he had a vicious drinking problem. But as you know it doesn't matter what others say - it's when the A themselves decide they have had enough that change is possible.
I'm sorry you're in this situation, but bravo on 3 years sobriety! That is major and worth protecting! A marriage with someone you describe as abusive? Maybe not so deserving of your will.
You mention him and his friends and family a lot in your post. Do you have trusted friends and family who are clear eyed about what you're going through? All drinking or drug use aside a relationship should be what you want and need it to be, abusive, lying behavior isn't ok whether drinking is going on or not.
Listen to the small voice inside. You are a free human being and can do what you choose to do for your best life and mental health!
Peace,
B.
Advice?
This reminds me exactly of a moment when an A friend of mine called me sobbing at 6 in the morning many years ago after another terrible drunk troubling night and asked me "How do you know when you're an alcoholic?" I said, "When you call your friend at 6 in the morning in a panic and ask that question!" He was a mess and said he was going to find a meeting that day. He did 90 meetings in 90 days got sober, is still sober and wonderfully living in recovery! Point is: he knew before he asked the question. We (his non A friends) had all been telling him for years that he had a vicious drinking problem. But as you know it doesn't matter what others say - it's when the A themselves decide they have had enough that change is possible.
I'm sorry you're in this situation, but bravo on 3 years sobriety! That is major and worth protecting! A marriage with someone you describe as abusive? Maybe not so deserving of your will.
You mention him and his friends and family a lot in your post. Do you have trusted friends and family who are clear eyed about what you're going through? All drinking or drug use aside a relationship should be what you want and need it to be, abusive, lying behavior isn't ok whether drinking is going on or not.
Listen to the small voice inside. You are a free human being and can do what you choose to do for your best life and mental health!
Peace,
B.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
It sounds like your marriage is already over. Its not just that he drinks and lies, but he's actively lying about you, blaming you, and turning people against you (the truth will come out in the end). That shows a lack of respect way beyond alcoholism.
Where do you see yourself in 5 years time if this continues? Maybe you don't have that time to waste.
Where do you see yourself in 5 years time if this continues? Maybe you don't have that time to waste.
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