mamselle

I’m trying to figure out how to start this post since it’s my first. I’ve read probably almost thread in this group and outside articles and books and personal blogs. So much reading. It is really helping in some ways. I identify with my issues and know that I need to work on many things in my life in order for me to escape this & be healthy for me. The repeated “run” and “you dodged a bullet” I can sometimes identify with logically (emotionally is still another story.) The insight into why a relationship with an alcoholic isn’t a true relationship has helped me to understand some things, but boy does it still hurt. I am fresh into my journey of a breakup with an ABF.

There is a post in this group about a girl being dumped by her alcoholic boyfriend and her struggle to understand it. I believe it is somewhere near the end of the pages. That post hit me. I felt like parts of it I could have written. What stood out was (and I am paraphrasing) was her question about “if I can’t get an alcoholic to love me then….” I read the responses, some a kind reminder of why it isn’t ever going to happen and others a harsh kick to her butt telling her to move on.

I’m stuck in the moving on stage. I KNOW I have to and to be perfectly honest only kind of WANT to. It’s that leap to WANTING to move on that I am having trouble with. This is my huge problem. I don’t fully and emotionally want this yet. I know every single reason why I should want to and actually rejoice in knowing that this can happen. I’m taking steps to get there. I started therapy and continue to read. I made the lists. I reached out to a trusted friend. I recognize that what I am missing isn’t real. I’ve set aside a specific amount of time to grieve and then stop, which didn’t work at all.

Did I mention that it still hurts? (You all probably already know that.)

What I would like advice on is getting through the first days and week. I read the stories about people being 30 days NC or years NC. I’m jealous. I am having trouble with doing one day of NC. I feel like a walking disaster. How in the world am I going to do this if I can’t get through one day? The questions I have but will never get answers to, the pain, the hope, the oh so obvious co-dependency I bring to the table is crippling. I’m grieving a relationship and facing my personal issues at the same time, and I keep falling back into a constant pattern of thinking about him that leads to contact or personal pain that only ends up torturing myself.

Keeping busy isn’t going so well. This pain has turned into absolute panic. The one friend that I have here tells me “get over it” and then wants to go have a drink or two. It’s not just something I am able to “get over” and that hurts being told that. The last thing I need is a drink or two because that leads to me becoming more sad and breaking NC. Another friend keeps telling me to go out and flirt with other guys. Ummmm, no. When I can’t focus on anything other than the pain, I come back here to read.

One thing that I read here and did work for a bit was to listen to something while driving that I had to pay attention to. I put on a comedy channel. I laughed. (God that felt great!) It was short lived, but I laughed. However, driving around 24/7 listening to comedy skits isn’t going to cut it.

What did you do or feel during the first few days and week to help you? I am trusting and praying when you write that it does get easier, it will get easier. I need some support and advice for the actual part from this is hell to it gets easier.

Bekindalways

Good on you Mamselle for reading and educating yourself. And boy oh boy is that pain something. I remember feeling like I was doing open heart surgery on myself without pain killers.

I was so badly in love (love probably means some clinical type of nuts here) that I had to leave the hemisphere of the planet where he lived for 6 months. I too tried to stop thinking/grieving about/for him.

I agree that your friends' comments are not be helpful; however they are not grief counselors and probably have no experience of what you are going through.

Things that helped me at the time: only thinking 15 minutes ahead, counseling, exercise and eventually anti-depressants. None of these took the pain away but it did help a bit. A very tiny bit.

Several of us here liked the book How to Survive the Loss of a Love. It is an easy read for those who are grieving.

DontRemember

I'd also suggest the book "Codependent No More".

Edit: Also workout/cardio,clean your place top-bottom(even if it's clean),go clothes shopping and get some new outfits if you can(window shopping works too).

53500

Mamselle, I'm so sorry you're in so much pain! It's horrible, I know. My heart was broken repeatedly by a guy I was madly in love with, for years. I kept going back as I could not resist any shred of hope and of course the same crap kept happening.

What did I do? I distracted myself. I watched TV, typed out my feelings in letters I'd never send, looked around online, tried to keep busy socially, and I worked. Work helped me a lot, actually, when I was most lonely. I felt valued at work and it kept my mind busy.

Mostly though, it just takes time.

I'm almost twenty years past the last breakup with this guy. Let me tell you, my life is SO MUCH BETTER, it is like night and day. Ten thousand percent better. I have occasional contact with my ex but haven't seen him in years. I would not go back with him for anything. He has a host of problems, none of which are mine to deal with, for which I thank God every day of my life.

Hang in there, it really does get better.

AnvilheadII

you could start a journal and any time you feel the urge to contact him IRL, write it in your journal instead. just get it out, spew, vent.

we talk here about looking to the person who hurts us to also heal us. and it just doesn't work that way. you can find healing, just not from him.

mamselle

You all are awesome. I keep refreshing this page looking for responses, and to already have three people reach out to me is a kindness I desperately need right now. I sincerely appreciate it.

In between refreshing this page, I did start to clean my kitchen. I've let my life go trying to cope with this pain. My house needs some TLC. I don't expect that I am going to be able to clean non-stop, but I did a baby step. And for me right now, I am proud of that.

I thankfully am not married to this guy and in the grand scheme of things, it was a not a tremendously serious relationship. (Thank god!) We didn't live together and don't have our respective families/children involved in the relationship. Unfortunately, the group of friends is shared. A better term would be "social circle" because these are not true friends to either me or him. I am going to need to find new friends/social circle. I know this to be true because this is not the first cycle of breakup, reconciliation, breakup, dysfunction for me and the guy. And the social circle stays with him because it's easier to hang out at a bar or have parties with lots of drinking, and that's where he goes/stays.

I have two fears that keep running through my mind as I try to get out of this. Can someone tell me that this is "normal" as I process this? (Not normal as in healthy, I KNOW this is not a healthy normal. Rather a "normal" that maybe other people in my situation have experienced?)

My first fear is that I will never hear from him again. That is is over. I am going to need to face that this relationship (ha! not a relationship) is done. It is that emotional part I wrote about in my first post-- emotionally I am not done with the love. That hope and "love" will stop and go away. That is sad and scary for its own reasons.

My second fear is that I will hear from him again and I am going to be sucked right back in. The cycle repeats. And that I will need to hit a personal rock bottom myself in order to finally break free. I don't want a rock bottom. This sucks enough as is!

I feel in some kind of limbo of wanting this madness and pain to end but still not wanting it to end. Being very honest with myself, I know that I am operating under a delusion that I am holding out hope for a message saying "I'm going to get help and I want you by my side." I did say delusion because after all the reading I've done, this isn't going to happen. Now, can someone help my heart get this message because it really doesn't want to listen to my brain.

I'm praying that therapy helps me to move towards healing myself enough that I don't need to hit a rock bottom with him to end things while also finding the strength to let go. In the meantime, I feel like I am weak for wanting him to reach out to me.

dandylion

mamselle.....I am going to write a few things...because I have been around long enough to know that no matter what I say...you will probably say "thanks...but it STILL hurts!"....lol...(I have written almost eleven thousands posts since I have been on this forum).....
It is going to hurt...no matter what. The hurt is the beginning stage of healing...
It hurts l ike a SOB. One woman wrote--"I thought that people died before they hurt this much". That much pain is normal, in the beginning.

One piece of advice is that you will need to cut all ties with that social group. Never go to that bar again. Go somewhere--any where to meet other people.
If you are on facebook...stay completely off of it. These two things is l ike tying a thousand m ore pounds on your back.

If you really have read almost every thread on this forum---then, you surely have read what I call the "wailing wall". do the wailing wall every day for the first few weeks. That is what helped the most.

None of this is going to take all the pain away...just the worst of it...so that you can get through one more day. the goal is to get through just the day that you are in.

What leaped from the p age at me...from your post...is your remarks about the woman who was upset that she was dumped by an alcoholic...."If I can't get an alcoholic to love me , then...".
I suspect, from that , that you have an incredibly low self-esteem. That is going to take some l ong-term work in therapy AND support groups to attend to... One therapy session, once a week will not be enough to get you through the hard part....

I have many more questions....because we don't k now you very well....
If you continue to post....I will ask them, than...if that is o.k. with you.

when I went through my painful break-up...I was t he hottest mess that anyone could imagine...

Ladybird579

Going NC is almost like an alcoholic in recovery getting through each day without a drink, for us co dependants. It really can be a hour by hour thing. I used to tell myself do not text or phone for the next 2 hours. That 2 hours was up and I made myself not text or phone for the next two hours. I blocked him off my phone and email. If you do that you do not have to worry about him contacting you and trying to suck you back in. Lose his number so you are not tempted. Don't pick up for unknown callers in case he is phoning from another phone. I cut off his friends completely..then no called telling me what he was doing. I stopped contacting his family. I deactivated facebook after blocking and deleting people on there and stayed off it for 6 months. No logging in to take a look, no stalking his wall looking at his latest love interest...nothing. No new contact no fresh hurt. I would say that to myself in the mirror along with things like I am worth more. I deserve love and affection in a normal relationship when I am ready and if that is not forthcoming I deserve to be happy on my own. I do not deserve an alcoholic who does not treat me well. I also found taking time each day to remind myself of exah flaws and bad behaviour was a leveller. It stopped me forgetting how bad it had been.

Next thing was self care. I worked on my own issues. I did things that I enjoy like I started volunteering. I made new friends that way and I also moved house away from exah and his crowd of drunken mates. I revisited my hobbies and I saved up and travelled most of Europe. I have cats. It's not all plain sailing. The hurt and pain will wash over you but let it. Go with it, cry, feel sad, let it out. It does get better.

mamselle

Thanks.... but it still hurts! (Sorry, I had to. LOL) No, I know it's going to hurt. I need to get through this hurt. Talking about it and getting validation that this pain is normal is helping. And every suggestion that you all are giving me to help survive the hurt means a lot.

Two things to your post (I apologize for not knowing how to do multiple quotes in one post yet.)...

You are right. Can I swear here? Because man am I angry, but you are right. I cannot go to that bar or those parties. I feel like a petulant child wanting to scream "But that's not fair! I don't want to have to give that up since I am not the one with the problem" And while it might not be "fair," I do have a problem and it is engaging in an unhealthy relationship. Part of my healing is to recognize AND FOLLOW THROUGH on removing myself from these unhealthy behaviors and places. Good lord, I am going to need strength because, like the petulant child, I still want to go there! I feel like I'm going into hiding. And maybe I can get a mini-vent every now and then about life not being fair?

Secondly, you are also right about the self-esteem. The therapy is actually to address something else from a long-term trauma I went through (non-alcohol related.) I have often wondered if I would be in this current relationship situation if I started therapy earlier to address my trauma issues. Who knows. But, I am in this situation, so I need to also address this. This seems like it's going to be a difficult process of dealing with the trauma, its effects, and getting out of this relationship that has its own set of trauma effects. Just as an FYI, I'll be going 3 times a week for a while. I wish there was a quick fix, but I know this is going to be a long and painful process.

Thank you again for your wisdom and time in helping a newbie to the forums.

trailmix

I went NC about 8 weeks after my final break-up with a guy (second break-up). We were still in contact online and on the phone. I realized he still had the power to hurt me and I didn't trust him so why was I talking to him.

Now at that point I didn't like the person very much but still, the idea of no contact with this person who I had been in almost constant contact with was kind of unthinkable. Plus I was scared from how incredibly painful the initial break up was, scared to go back to that place.

Sent him email - let's not talk for a while.

I said a while because I wasn't ready to say - how about we never speak again asshat lol

Well, I was scared. The person I was talking to about this said, well hang on, he didn't die, he is actually still there and you could, in theory call him at anytime.

Ok. That is what I needed. I could do that.

So I did what others have mentioned. I didn't call or text THAT day. That hour, those two hours. Was it easy, no, certainly not as painful as what you are probably going through, but I did think about it constantly, I know that distracting yourself is all but impossible, cleaning is great except it gives you a lot of time to think.

Something like binge watching comedy / sitcoms, whatever your favourites are is a good idea.

Reading here, which you are already doing as it reinforces why you are no longer in that relationship.

As for the - if an alcoholic can't love me - part, that is just low self-esteem. You don't need him to love you, you are fine just as you are.

This is where I would have said, learn to love yourself but I now think of that differently. Just accept yourself. The good, the not so good, all of it. None of us are perfect but we are perfect for ourselves.

Hang in there, keep posting, don't feel that you are posting "too much".

dandylion

trailmix gives good practical advice, I think. Especially the part about the too much thinking time p art---keeping another p art of your brain engaged. comedy m ovies. sitcoms, etc, are excellent.
You can find lots of old SNL skits on youtube. You can also, get books on ama zon.com, that are the collections of the best short stories...of every year! (I love these)....they are so good and engage you very fast...but, each one is o nly a few pages...you can p ick one at any time to get you through the hardest times.....
I am glad to hear that you are going to therapy three times per week....face to face human contact of compassionate people is sooo essential, in my opinion.
We need people...we are very social creatures...and, we help to heal each other...

I am a big fan of crying as a therapeutic tool...lol...I cried so much that I lowered the water table....That is one reason that the wailing wall exercise is so good....

I call what you are going through...the necessary short-term pain for the long-term gain......

***I am so sorry for the trauma from your past. I think we can all say an "Amen" to the fact that life isn't fair......

Bekindalways

Hiya again Mamselle, I must say the cycling thing was normal/necessary for me. I had no experience of anything like this in my life. It took several break-up/excrutiating-pain/get-back-together cycles for me to understand and accept how much it was going to hurt. These cycles gave me experiential understanding of the immensity of the effort I was going to have to employ to get out and stay out. It really really sucked to realize this was how it was. It wasn't fair. I knew so many people who broke up, were a little sad for a month and went back into dating.

I was 20 when I met my qualifier and 25 when I left. I remember thinking when I met him, "This guy is probably a bit of a wreck but why can't I just date for fun like others?" I just flat couldn't like an alcoholic can't drink for fun.

Your thread has spawned a lot of addiction comparisons which really resonate with me. I actually adhered more to AA thoughts and readings rather than Alanon. It felt so much like an addiction. I "put sober days together" only mine were "no-contact" days. Addicts aim to put a sober head on their pillow every night; my goal was to go to bed every night without calling him nor shooting myself.

I like Trailmix's practice of not thinking about the no-contact as forever as that was just too hard. This isn't quite the same thing but I would occasionally go off on some denial type fantasy about my qualifier. Denial generally gets a bad rap; However for me the denial would give me a breather from the pain for which I was deeply grateful at the time. I never let the fantasy lead me back to contact.

Hang tough lady. You are in the thick of it.

Sailorgirl57

Ladies, I can relate to this so much! I have my moments when I actually have to turn off my phone and put it in a drawer, or put it in the glove box of my car, to keep me from calling or texting him.

I keep a jar on my desk, and I put a whole bunch of little pieces of paper in it. Each one has a tiny little activity in it. Dust the living room. Read something on Wikipedia. Go to the Dollar Store and spend 5 dollars. Paint my toe nails. Call my mother. etc. some are chores, some just fun little things. When I get really fixated on calling him I draw a paper out and "just do it." It just gets my mind off him and sometimes it makes me laugh. Silly, I know.

Bekindalways

I might need to try that for when my depression kicks in. I've done something similar in that I will pick 3 tiny random tasks to do and do them.

Puzzle1000

It's tough at first but DOES get easier. It really does. You form new habits. That don't include calling or texting him. I also got some great advice from a book I read. It said - plan your week. Always have your week planned out. So you know you will be busy. It really helps. Also when I'm having a moment I READ everything there is to read about toxic relationships. It helps me feel better about my decision. And of course I always come on this forum for support. Take it day by day and soon days turn into weeks and then months. You can do it!

atalose

And now you understand what the A goes through with alcohol/drugs, those obsessive thoughts they can’t seem to get control over 24/7 which lead to their drinking/drugging.

That’s what helped me remain in no contact, was realizing that I climbed out of a deep dark hole I was in with the A in my life, he like the hole, he was comfortable in the hole and I no longer was. I managed to get out of that hole and accepted and committed to, that if I did not get my own thoughts and behaviors under control I’d end up right back down there and each time the climb out is harder and harder.

It comes down to….what do you want more, a new life with the chance for real happiness or a moment in time that stops your pain briefly only to hurt again and begin healing again.

Getting out of myself helped me, pushing myself to do the things I was telling myself I can’t or don’t want to do.

Go out with your friends, do a spa day, go see a movie, etc. get busy with your life!

One last thing that helped me was to put down the self help stuff, take a break from it and limit my time towards that, begin to insert something else instead like a mystery novel or try a new hobby.

SadInTX

I have gone through this NC so many times...and the end result is always the same for me....he ended up hurting me....but the final time I realized that I was allowing it to happen because I kept letting him back into my life.
For me this time I keep busy...I have a full life and I like my life without him in it. When I start to think about him again I will allow myself a certain amount of time to "think" about him....or to deal with that sadness...pain...but once that time limit is over I do something else. For example, I journal almost every day...I write how I felt that day...I read self help books...about narcissism, co dependency...whatever I need that day...but I put a time limit on it...and then I do something else...watch a tv show that I love, play a board game with my kids, go work out, go to the park with my kids, etc etc etc...I felt guilty for so long for feeling sad about the ending of the toxic relationship...would beat myself up for it...I should have known better...why did you love him when he hurt you so much...all that self talk... but now I allow myself to feel it...for just a bit...and then move on...some day those "time out" moments won't be an every day occurrence. Hang in there....you are on the right track!