Husband relapsing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Sydney NSW
Posts: 4
Husband relapsing.
Hi there, long time member, first time poster.
My husband has been sober on and off for around 3 years. He has done very well, but has had maybe 5 or 6 relapses in this time. He has had 3 Drink driving charges in the past 5 years and the last one (12 months ago) he was actually sentenced to prison for 4 months because of his repeat offending. He appealed this sentence and did not go to prison thank god, and has had to abide by some very strict probation conditions including no alcohol. Probation officers can turn up anytime and he must pass drug and alcohol testing.
Until a week ago he was nearly 12 months sober and in that time our relationship has been the best it has ever been. We have even brought our first home, something we are both very proud of.
He has been working away for about 2 months, only 1 - 1.5 hours drive away but he still has no drivers licence so has had to stay close to the job mon - fri and I drive him there and back at the start and end of the week. I also work and we have 2 young boys so this has been a bit of a strain on all of us.
He slipped up last week and had a couple of beers after work, whilst waiting for me driving to pick him up. He said he did it because it was just so hot (summer time in Australia). He knows this is not the real reason but wont talk to me or anyone else about what really led him to take that drink.
We did have a good chat about the danger of that one occasion leading to another and another and he felt it would be a once off.
He went back to working and staying away after the weekend and my gut was telling me things were not right. We talk and video chat every day and night and I suspected a few night that he was drinking and then last night I was certain. At first when I asked him he got angry that I would accuse him but eventually he admitted it.
I fear he abandoned his recovery and when that happens he becomes so reckless and irresponsible that anything can happen.
I am trying to keep my feelings in check so I can support him and not inflame the situation and so far I have done this but internally I am so anxious and afraid of what might happen.
I have to drive to pick him up for the weekend again soon and I am so nervous that he will be drunk or drinking.
I feel like he should give away his job working away so he will be less tempted but not sure if that is really the solution or just a bandaid fix.
He attends AA but only because his probation conditiins require it. He does think he is not as bad as tbe others at his meetings.
He previously attended a Smart Recovery group which he was very comitted to but we have moved and he can no longer go. He still has contact with that group leader and I have suggested that he reach out to him, hopefully he will.
I really want to support him through this, especially after having a taste of how great our life together can be without alcohol.
I am struggling with my feelings though, the anxiety and fear of what might be about to happen is almost crippling for me.
He has asked that I dont tell any of our family about his latest slip up which is very hard and I have done this before which only reaults in me withdrawing from family and friends so they cant see that something is wrong.
My husband has been sober on and off for around 3 years. He has done very well, but has had maybe 5 or 6 relapses in this time. He has had 3 Drink driving charges in the past 5 years and the last one (12 months ago) he was actually sentenced to prison for 4 months because of his repeat offending. He appealed this sentence and did not go to prison thank god, and has had to abide by some very strict probation conditions including no alcohol. Probation officers can turn up anytime and he must pass drug and alcohol testing.
Until a week ago he was nearly 12 months sober and in that time our relationship has been the best it has ever been. We have even brought our first home, something we are both very proud of.
He has been working away for about 2 months, only 1 - 1.5 hours drive away but he still has no drivers licence so has had to stay close to the job mon - fri and I drive him there and back at the start and end of the week. I also work and we have 2 young boys so this has been a bit of a strain on all of us.
He slipped up last week and had a couple of beers after work, whilst waiting for me driving to pick him up. He said he did it because it was just so hot (summer time in Australia). He knows this is not the real reason but wont talk to me or anyone else about what really led him to take that drink.
We did have a good chat about the danger of that one occasion leading to another and another and he felt it would be a once off.
He went back to working and staying away after the weekend and my gut was telling me things were not right. We talk and video chat every day and night and I suspected a few night that he was drinking and then last night I was certain. At first when I asked him he got angry that I would accuse him but eventually he admitted it.
I fear he abandoned his recovery and when that happens he becomes so reckless and irresponsible that anything can happen.
I am trying to keep my feelings in check so I can support him and not inflame the situation and so far I have done this but internally I am so anxious and afraid of what might happen.
I have to drive to pick him up for the weekend again soon and I am so nervous that he will be drunk or drinking.
I feel like he should give away his job working away so he will be less tempted but not sure if that is really the solution or just a bandaid fix.
He attends AA but only because his probation conditiins require it. He does think he is not as bad as tbe others at his meetings.
He previously attended a Smart Recovery group which he was very comitted to but we have moved and he can no longer go. He still has contact with that group leader and I have suggested that he reach out to him, hopefully he will.
I really want to support him through this, especially after having a taste of how great our life together can be without alcohol.
I am struggling with my feelings though, the anxiety and fear of what might be about to happen is almost crippling for me.
He has asked that I dont tell any of our family about his latest slip up which is very hard and I have done this before which only reaults in me withdrawing from family and friends so they cant see that something is wrong.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Kadee, I'm really sorry he's relapsed. I take it he isn't out of his probation period yet? There's so much at stake for your marriage, family life and his legal situation that this could be called an emergency.
Yes it does get hot, but an icy glass of soda water cools you down just as much as a beer, but you both know that.
I agree that the lack of family support during the week isn't helping, and any consequences of his giving up the job are nothing in the face of a full blown relapse. But will he take that step?
Although you can't force him sober you might want to write or verbally play the tape out for him about where his relapse will take him. Not just prison, but worsening alcoholism, an unhappy family and the possibility of driving drunk and hurting someone. What effect will that have on those he loves?
As for keeping his secrets- if it harms your ability to cope I don't think you should make that promise. Its not just about him is it?
I'm really glad you found us. You will get amazing support here.
Yes it does get hot, but an icy glass of soda water cools you down just as much as a beer, but you both know that.
I agree that the lack of family support during the week isn't helping, and any consequences of his giving up the job are nothing in the face of a full blown relapse. But will he take that step?
Although you can't force him sober you might want to write or verbally play the tape out for him about where his relapse will take him. Not just prison, but worsening alcoholism, an unhappy family and the possibility of driving drunk and hurting someone. What effect will that have on those he loves?
As for keeping his secrets- if it harms your ability to cope I don't think you should make that promise. Its not just about him is it?
I'm really glad you found us. You will get amazing support here.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,546
It appears to you that he hasn't had a drink for 12 months, but he has started drinking now, he doesn't think he needs help, and he wants you to lie for him.
A different job won't help. Being near you, or away, isn't the issue. Booze is legal and available no matter where he works.
A different job won't help. Being near you, or away, isn't the issue. Booze is legal and available no matter where he works.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Sydney NSW
Posts: 4
Thank you for the replies.
I have just gotten home from picking him up from work and he has been drinking. It was only Midday! So this is quite alarming. He denied it of course. Said the smell was from last night but his speech and body language always give it away.
You are correct that apart from all other issues, he could actually go to prison if he doesnt get sober again.
He is in denial of how serious this is and will not talk about it. Even though I am staying calm and not reacting in anger he has already started his usual defence of making this about him and I rather than him and alcohol.
Just want to shut myself in my room and cry.
I have just gotten home from picking him up from work and he has been drinking. It was only Midday! So this is quite alarming. He denied it of course. Said the smell was from last night but his speech and body language always give it away.
You are correct that apart from all other issues, he could actually go to prison if he doesnt get sober again.
He is in denial of how serious this is and will not talk about it. Even though I am staying calm and not reacting in anger he has already started his usual defence of making this about him and I rather than him and alcohol.
Just want to shut myself in my room and cry.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kaydee.....You are so vulnerable, right now....not to speak of the fact that he could go to jai l at any time. Even if he doesn't go to jail during the probation period...he is likely to go back to drinking full force, once the probation is over.
I think you need to start planning for the welfare of yourself and your boys...now. You have a lot of learning and planning to do.
You need help. A much as you can get.
1. Get yourself a counselor...one who k nows about alcoholism/addiction.
2. Start going to alanon if they have it in your area
3. Get legal advice...especially, about finances....you need to know your rights and his rights, as well. the more you know, them, the more in control you will feel.....
Keep posting and keep learning, here....
I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....there are a lot of them. You can read one every single day. there is sooo much to know. Knowledge is power
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
You are not alone. Millions of wo men/mothers have been in your shoes. You have options...and you can make it through this...
I think you need to start planning for the welfare of yourself and your boys...now. You have a lot of learning and planning to do.
You need help. A much as you can get.
1. Get yourself a counselor...one who k nows about alcoholism/addiction.
2. Start going to alanon if they have it in your area
3. Get legal advice...especially, about finances....you need to know your rights and his rights, as well. the more you know, them, the more in control you will feel.....
Keep posting and keep learning, here....
I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....there are a lot of them. You can read one every single day. there is sooo much to know. Knowledge is power
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
You are not alone. Millions of wo men/mothers have been in your shoes. You have options...and you can make it through this...
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kaydee.....here is one article that I selected for you from our library...that I mentioned, above. I think it is a good yardstick......
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
He’s attending meetings, but he’s not in aa. Hes not working a program. If he was, you’d see him begin to take responsibility for his lapses.
He doesn’t have to wait until he loses his freedom or his health. He can surrender now.
But no amount of love and suppport from you will get him there. It has to be him. So please protect yourself. Protect your kids.
I’m sorry for what brought you here, sending you good vibes...
He doesn’t have to wait until he loses his freedom or his health. He can surrender now.
But no amount of love and suppport from you will get him there. It has to be him. So please protect yourself. Protect your kids.
I’m sorry for what brought you here, sending you good vibes...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Sydney NSW
Posts: 4
Thanks for the links. I have read a few of them.
He goes to an AA meeting once a week because it is one of his probation conditions but he does not participate much and has nothing good to say about it. He has done one on one counseling before but I dont think he every really opened up and got to the root of his problems.
He has been able to go long periods - 12 months without a drink and sees how much better life is then so I do not know what makes him go back. It's very frustrating.
He goes to an AA meeting once a week because it is one of his probation conditions but he does not participate much and has nothing good to say about it. He has done one on one counseling before but I dont think he every really opened up and got to the root of his problems.
He has been able to go long periods - 12 months without a drink and sees how much better life is then so I do not know what makes him go back. It's very frustrating.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Unfortunately there is nothing that you can do to make him quit. The fact that prison time has not scared him into wanting to quit is all telling. He is going to AA because he has to, not because he wants to so he is just going through the motions. Until he is ready to quit there is nothing you or anyone else can do. It is time to start thinking about you and your kiddos. No sense in trying to "not inflame the situation", he is going to find a reason to drink regardless and he is gonna blame everything and everyone else but himself.
The secrecy is really bad. I did that for 15 years and it was so isolating for me. He did a good job hiding it from everyone and i did a stellar job enabling him and covering/making excuses for him. Now I know better but I'm afraid the damage was done and not sure if the relationship is salvageable. You need to make a plan. What are you willing to put up with and what do you do if he is drunk (what are your boundaries). Are you also working? Because at the rate he is going he will lose his job sooner or later and maybe even end up in prison. And then what? I finally hit rock bottom myself about 1.5 years ago and gave him an ultimatum that was I ready to follow through with (leaving him if he didn't get sober). Because of his job he was sent to rehab for 3 months. He is doing well now sobriety wise but it has been and still is a struggle relationship wise but also because I have to work on me and my codependent ways as well as talking about feeling etc. It took him a good 7 weeks in rehab before he finally started seeing and understanding his manipulative ways and he is doing uch better but it has been a work in progress and it takes a lot of time. Quitting drinking was never a problem. He quit for 13 months the last time but he didn't do any kind of treatment and so it really wasn't any better at all (he was a dry drunk). He also had said that he had gotten to the point where he felt like he needed to do something about his drinking except for he didn't until I confronted him. So I guess at least his mind set for quitting was there even though he couldn't take the first step himself. I have said several times that if he had quit 3 years ago our relationship would've sufffered less because the last 2 years before rehab I really detached big time. He has said he probably would not have been ready to do then what he did this last time.
Read codependent no more. Start thinking about you and your kids. Have a plan for when sh*t will hit the fan (because it seems like that is only a matter of time). This is no longer about him because he is about to lose everything if he continues this way. Don't keep it a secret anymore. Talk to your friends or family if YOU need to talk about it (which I imagine you want to). He does not get to make that decision for you. He doesn't get to tell you what to do.. I wish I would've realized that many years ago. It may not have helped him but it would've helped me probably. And find a therapist with an addition back ground for you. Regardless of whether he quits or not you need to work on you. You are suffering enormously right now with your worries about him using again and what will happen when he gets caugh as well as it being a huge burden to drive him back and forth. He may like his job out of town because he can drink all he wants and no one will bug him about it. You're not going to be able to keep doing that forever. You yourself will eventually crack under all the pressures. It may not be now or even a week from now but it will happen. Alcoholism is a progresssive disease so it will only get worse. Every time he picks up a drink it is like he never quit before. Educate yourself on addiction and get help for you because that's the only thing you have control over. You can plead and beg him all you want, it won't change anything unless he is ready to quit. That is why you need to set boundaries and be willing to follow through with them. Figure out what you are willing to put up with and make your life more manageable. That may mean leaving him but it may not. Only you can figure that out and having a therapist that can help you sort some of this out would be a good idea. You got so used to just thinking about what he needs and what you need to do to keep him sort of functional that it can be hard to work some of this out on your own. At least I know that's how it was for me.
I wish you good luck. I hope your H will get his head of of his a** before he loses evetyhign and ends up in prison. But unfortunately your not gonna be able to prevent that from happening if he is not ready to take action himself. And if your kids don't know wha is going on they probably deserve to know what's going g on in an age appropriate manner. They know something is up more than likely even if you didn't talk to them. Secrets will just make things worse for everyone involved.
Hang in there. It is so very very hard. But think about yourself. You need can't help him (and that's very hard to accept especially for us codependent people)
The secrecy is really bad. I did that for 15 years and it was so isolating for me. He did a good job hiding it from everyone and i did a stellar job enabling him and covering/making excuses for him. Now I know better but I'm afraid the damage was done and not sure if the relationship is salvageable. You need to make a plan. What are you willing to put up with and what do you do if he is drunk (what are your boundaries). Are you also working? Because at the rate he is going he will lose his job sooner or later and maybe even end up in prison. And then what? I finally hit rock bottom myself about 1.5 years ago and gave him an ultimatum that was I ready to follow through with (leaving him if he didn't get sober). Because of his job he was sent to rehab for 3 months. He is doing well now sobriety wise but it has been and still is a struggle relationship wise but also because I have to work on me and my codependent ways as well as talking about feeling etc. It took him a good 7 weeks in rehab before he finally started seeing and understanding his manipulative ways and he is doing uch better but it has been a work in progress and it takes a lot of time. Quitting drinking was never a problem. He quit for 13 months the last time but he didn't do any kind of treatment and so it really wasn't any better at all (he was a dry drunk). He also had said that he had gotten to the point where he felt like he needed to do something about his drinking except for he didn't until I confronted him. So I guess at least his mind set for quitting was there even though he couldn't take the first step himself. I have said several times that if he had quit 3 years ago our relationship would've sufffered less because the last 2 years before rehab I really detached big time. He has said he probably would not have been ready to do then what he did this last time.
Read codependent no more. Start thinking about you and your kids. Have a plan for when sh*t will hit the fan (because it seems like that is only a matter of time). This is no longer about him because he is about to lose everything if he continues this way. Don't keep it a secret anymore. Talk to your friends or family if YOU need to talk about it (which I imagine you want to). He does not get to make that decision for you. He doesn't get to tell you what to do.. I wish I would've realized that many years ago. It may not have helped him but it would've helped me probably. And find a therapist with an addition back ground for you. Regardless of whether he quits or not you need to work on you. You are suffering enormously right now with your worries about him using again and what will happen when he gets caugh as well as it being a huge burden to drive him back and forth. He may like his job out of town because he can drink all he wants and no one will bug him about it. You're not going to be able to keep doing that forever. You yourself will eventually crack under all the pressures. It may not be now or even a week from now but it will happen. Alcoholism is a progresssive disease so it will only get worse. Every time he picks up a drink it is like he never quit before. Educate yourself on addiction and get help for you because that's the only thing you have control over. You can plead and beg him all you want, it won't change anything unless he is ready to quit. That is why you need to set boundaries and be willing to follow through with them. Figure out what you are willing to put up with and make your life more manageable. That may mean leaving him but it may not. Only you can figure that out and having a therapist that can help you sort some of this out would be a good idea. You got so used to just thinking about what he needs and what you need to do to keep him sort of functional that it can be hard to work some of this out on your own. At least I know that's how it was for me.
I wish you good luck. I hope your H will get his head of of his a** before he loses evetyhign and ends up in prison. But unfortunately your not gonna be able to prevent that from happening if he is not ready to take action himself. And if your kids don't know wha is going on they probably deserve to know what's going g on in an age appropriate manner. They know something is up more than likely even if you didn't talk to them. Secrets will just make things worse for everyone involved.
Hang in there. It is so very very hard. But think about yourself. You need can't help him (and that's very hard to accept especially for us codependent people)
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by kadee3 
Just want to shut myself in my room and cry.
Regarding why he's going back to drinking.....he has an addiction. You can certainly overcome an addiction, but your motivation has to be very strong, and without constant support the motivation has a tendency to get weaker over time.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
He has been able to go long periods - 12 months without a drink and sees how much better life is then so I do not know what makes him go back. It's very frustrating.
He goes back to drinking because he is an alcoholic. Alcoholics drink. It is the most confounding thing! We who are not addicted to alcohol are left baffled, because the benefits of sobriety are, well, everything! A real life!
Addiction is a terrible foe. The addict has to put their sobriety first and when they truly recover it is an amazing thing, but that addiction is working double time to pull them back in, and if they are not ready to quit then they will drink. I am an ER nurse and a lot of my colleagues can be very judgmental with addicts; I always ask them, "Oh ok what was the last thing you tried to change about yourself that you were just able to do lickety split and it's no longer an issue? Stop overeating? Lose 15 pounds? Stop overspending? Eat more vegetables? Control your temper?" I mean, choose any little thing you've tried to change about yourself and acknowledge how hard it is and then imagine it is 1,000,000 x harder and then judge the addict!
He goes to an AA meeting once a week because it is one of his probation conditions but he does not participate much and has nothing good to say about it. This is exactly like my brothers (who cannot maintain sobriety, never mind find recovery!). And yet my Dad, and every person I know who has recovered has been helped by AA. But no, no, AA just doesn't have anything to offer my brothers. They just don't want to change, they will keep drinking, and lying, and pretending, and hiding.
I agree with FeelingGreat - Although you can't force him sober you might want to write or verbally play the tape out for him about where his relapse will take him. Not just prison, but worsening alcoholism, an unhappy family and the possibility of driving drunk and hurting someone. What effect will that have on those he loves?
And the lying and covering up for the A? Ugh, that is the worst and is what destroys families and warps children. Trust me, I lived it!
I hope you have friends you can be completely honest with. Have you tried AlAnon? I am so sorry you're going through this. It really is a terrible thing to have an A loved one. That's why we are all here, and why we need so much love and support and straight talk. Glad you found this forum!
Peace,
B
He goes back to drinking because he is an alcoholic. Alcoholics drink. It is the most confounding thing! We who are not addicted to alcohol are left baffled, because the benefits of sobriety are, well, everything! A real life!
Addiction is a terrible foe. The addict has to put their sobriety first and when they truly recover it is an amazing thing, but that addiction is working double time to pull them back in, and if they are not ready to quit then they will drink. I am an ER nurse and a lot of my colleagues can be very judgmental with addicts; I always ask them, "Oh ok what was the last thing you tried to change about yourself that you were just able to do lickety split and it's no longer an issue? Stop overeating? Lose 15 pounds? Stop overspending? Eat more vegetables? Control your temper?" I mean, choose any little thing you've tried to change about yourself and acknowledge how hard it is and then imagine it is 1,000,000 x harder and then judge the addict!
He goes to an AA meeting once a week because it is one of his probation conditions but he does not participate much and has nothing good to say about it. This is exactly like my brothers (who cannot maintain sobriety, never mind find recovery!). And yet my Dad, and every person I know who has recovered has been helped by AA. But no, no, AA just doesn't have anything to offer my brothers. They just don't want to change, they will keep drinking, and lying, and pretending, and hiding.
I agree with FeelingGreat - Although you can't force him sober you might want to write or verbally play the tape out for him about where his relapse will take him. Not just prison, but worsening alcoholism, an unhappy family and the possibility of driving drunk and hurting someone. What effect will that have on those he loves?
And the lying and covering up for the A? Ugh, that is the worst and is what destroys families and warps children. Trust me, I lived it!
I hope you have friends you can be completely honest with. Have you tried AlAnon? I am so sorry you're going through this. It really is a terrible thing to have an A loved one. That's why we are all here, and why we need so much love and support and straight talk. Glad you found this forum!
Peace,
B
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Oregon Coast
Posts: 168
Your post was so honest. I can see your pain. We have all been there. Here’s a list of things that have helped me:
-this forum
-alanon
-counseling with an addiction and trauma specialist
-prioritizing good nutrition and sleep
-every day talking to another person, even by phone
-book CODEPENDENT NO MORE
-podcast WIFE OF AN ALCOHOLIC
-blog BAGGAGE RECLAIM (about emotionally unavailable relationships)
-keeping busy
-keeping a journal
-calling an alanon friend when stressed out
-extreme self care
Good luck and hugs. Keep posting here!!!
-this forum
-alanon
-counseling with an addiction and trauma specialist
-prioritizing good nutrition and sleep
-every day talking to another person, even by phone
-book CODEPENDENT NO MORE
-podcast WIFE OF AN ALCOHOLIC
-blog BAGGAGE RECLAIM (about emotionally unavailable relationships)
-keeping busy
-keeping a journal
-calling an alanon friend when stressed out
-extreme self care
Good luck and hugs. Keep posting here!!!
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