Expanding

I was scouring the internet trying to find advice on something but what I was finding wasn’t sitting right with me. I realized that I needed to come here and receive the dose of tough love needed lol

I met someone and I liked him… but I kept flip flopping because I could feel his emotional walls. At first I thought, “It’s not my job to bring down his walls”, but then I started to find articles about how it’s possible to do that and how… and then I started to question myself and if my empathy and compassion were waning.

I don’t want to treat him as a project, but I do know that loves heals. I don’t want to make it MY problem, but I would like to help if I can.
The depth of his walls is so deep it makes me cry after I see him, and I don’t want to feel sad. I don’t want to be with someone who is emotionally closed off because it’s “safe”.

What do you think?

Should people help others bring down their walls?

Is it a waste of time?

Thanks everyone

hearthealth

I haven't been able to bring down my husband's walls. Some walls are just way too thick for love.

SparkleKitty

Personally, I think other people's issues (and my own) are best worked out with the help of a professional therapist or counselor.

There are a lot of people in the world who aren't emotionally unavailable. What is it about one that is that draws you in?

CentralOhioDad

What does he say about his walls? Maybe he's happy having them, in which case you are overstepping your bounds. If he doesn't think he has walls, or has never mentioned them, why do you feel the need to 'fix' him?

I would not want to spend my time on someone where I cry from sadness after being with them, that seems draining and not much fun.

AnvilheadII

it could be that you are too used to relationships that become enmeshed where there are NO walls, and you have met someone with good boundaries so you aren't getting your "fix"?

Sleepyhollo

My RAH would like to break down my walls, but he can't. When he tried it just pisses me off because even though I had issues with expressing when I met him my wall got very tall due to his alcoholism. He can't fix that. That's something that I alone need to work on and unless I ask for his help he needs to back off. Pushing it will just make the wall go up higher.

FireSprite

Is he asking for your opinion and help?

glenl

In my experience, no one can drop walls except the person who put them up, and they have to see the walls and actively choose and *work* to drop them.

So, don't waste your time.

Expanding

Thank you for all the thinking points!

He acknowledges he has walls and says they are there for a reason, but that’s all he’s told me so far.

I don’t want to and haven’t pushed, but I would like to create a space where he feels like he could bring them down. I don’t know if me attempting this would do anything at all, as for a while I was under the impression that only he could bring them down…

Things can feel cold with him (he doesn’t like to show affection) and I would not be happy long-term with things as they are… I know he cares about me and I would like to be clear when speaking with him about this so we can either work towards something… or I walk away.

I am not sure why I like him so much… I walk away and he ends up contacting me again and I get really excited and want to see him… he is a loner and I can tell there is a lot going on in his mind, he is intelligent and driven and I am drawn to him like a moth to a flame. I am keeping my options open and maintaining my own life so while I could walk away, I want to express myself before I do so.

Guess I just have to ask and find out if that's something he wants to do

SparkleKitty

I think the most loving thing we can for someone (and ourselves) is to meet some where they are at, and accept them as they are, even if it means we don't have the kind of relationship with them we were hoping for.

Expanding

Aww, I like that

AnvilheadII

I am not sure why I like him so much… I walk away and he ends up contacting me again and I get really excited and want to see him… he is a loner and I can tell there is a lot going on in his mind, he is intelligent and driven and I am drawn to him like a moth to a flame

Any chances he's a CANCER?

it's the Come Here/Go Away, Now You See Me/Now You Don't......like the first Triple Bar hitting on the slot machine, then the second one.......then........Double Bars. SO DAMN CLOSE. must try again!

curious how you CAN TELL what is going on his mind???? is there a window and you can see in?

Expanding

lmaolmao

Seeeee this is why I needed to come back here

I am inferring from things he says... insightful and surprising... things I wouldn't expect him to say or notice but in the end I suppose I do not know because NO there is no window

I am not sure the push/pull dynamic is anything I want to be a part of

Maudcat

Ah, the withdrawing man.
That type was absolute catnip to me when I was younger.
I would tie myself in knots, trying to get them to open up, to care for me, to recognize that I could be the best thing for them ever.
Of course, none of that happened, because that is who they were, and little ol me wasn’t going to change a thing.
So glad when THAT enlightenment came.
Good luck.

AnvilheadII

maudcat, sister of my soul....i played that game.....for years with one man.....who also happened to be GAY..........wanna talk failure right out the gate?????? but what we had was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO special, you see........never mind i was a straight MARRIED female........

TimeForMe

Hi Expanding -

Two things:

1) One of the BEST pieces of life advice I received is that whenever you use the word "but", it negates what you said before it. I took your post and responses and picked out the times you used "but". I excluded a couple. When you look at what you're saying in this light, your posts have a completely different meaning:

"I met someone and I liked him… but I kept flip flopping because I could feel his emotional walls."

"At first I thought, “It’s not my job to bring down his walls”, but then I started to find articles about how it’s possible to do that and how"

"I don’t want to treat him as a project, but I do know that loves heals."

"I don’t want to make it MY problem, but I would like to help if I can."

"I don’t want to and haven’t pushed, but I would like to create a space where he feels like he could bring them down."

2) Listen to your gut. So many times, we co-dependents become very good at pushing away that little voice inside that tells us what we can't see. One of the things I ask myself constantly in order to stay aware of co-dependent behavior is, "Am I doing for someone else what they should be doing for themselves?" It is not your job to help this guy feel safe around you, or to feel like he can open up, or like he can bring down his walls. Your job is you. Your job is not to be the *one special person* who can "fix" this guy.

I'm not sure how long it's been since you started liking this guy. I would look at the red flags you've listed in regards to your own experiences, and consider how much you actually like him, versus how much you want to save him.

dandylion

Expanding.....love can be nurturing.....however...a big however....love, ALONE cannot cure addiction or abuse....

What I hear you saying sounds like co-dependency.
Do this---get a copy of "Co-dependency No More".....it is an easy read, and I think it will resound with you, very much...
It is highly recommended a lot, on this forum....
You can get a cheap copy from amazon.com...or the local library.....

Ladybird579

Something I realised when I had split with exah that I attracted emotionally unavailable men cos I was emotionally unavailable myself. Deep down I was scared of emotionally intimacy cos it meant I had to be vulnerable again to being hurt or let down. I did not want to love anyone again. Closed off men were safe. They had no expectations of me in ways I could not give. Once I worked on that..and tbh it is still a work in progress I didn't find emotionally closed off men the slightest bit attractive anymore. I lost the urge to want to bring them out themselves and break down their walls....life is too short to beat our heads against people's self imposed walls and some people are happy to be like that and do not see it as a problem and if they are not it is up to them to work out how to be different. Now I don't want a project, I'd like a partner....eventually. If one comes along.

hopeful4

Going into a relationship with the intention of trying to fix someone spells disaster. So sorry.

The best predictor is future behavior is past behavior.

Expanding

Wow yessss

As for #2 I think we all know why I'm here... so y'all can tell me to run in the other direction. I got confused when I started reading articles from therapists and such but perhaps they're talking to a different group of people, assuming a certain base line of emotional health or are codependent themselves. I feel like codependency is celebrated in today's culture