Newbie, but appreciate all the advice that has been posted
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I have not read it, but I am not so sure that I like a book telling me how I should act and react in reaction to living with an addict. I paid good money for a psychiatrist to help me become strong enough so no matter how I acted or what actions I deemed appropriate I would be strong enough and capable enough to handle the outcome. Hmmmm.....
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Originally Posted by CedarTexas 
I curious what your thoughts are about Chapter 8 -To the Wives-
At it's worst, it's just infuriating & insulting.
Here's an old thread on this topic:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ook-wives.html (What do you think of Chapter 8 in the Big Book "To Wives")
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I can agree with that assessment. I thought there were a few good points, especially those about hurt and resentment. I liked Chapter 3 in it kind of goes into the Insanity that is when a alchie decides to take a "first drink" after recovery has begun.
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Oh, I also liked the comment in Chapter 8 that we make mistakes due to ignorance of alcoholism and if we "wives" had know better probably would have done things different. I know this is true for me. I was totally naive about the disease and if I had done more self-knowledge or reaching out to you guys first, I probably would have done matters differently and not let it escalate to the way it all went down. Lesson learned: Should one choose to be with an alcoholic or someone who they think is an alcoholic, DO YOUR HOMEWORK, so you know the ride that your in for.
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Should one choose to be with an alcoholic or someone who they think is an alcoholic, DO YOUR HOMEWORK, so you know the ride that your in for.
Agree with this completely, 100%, bet your britches! If I had know all that entailed living with an A, the damage to the family, how it would become normal to all of us, I would have made different choices.
Who would ever think living in a home ruled by alcohol would seem normal when there were people all around us, who we saw daily, or several times a week, who didn't live like we did. Its crazy! So yes, do you homework, don't just skim articles, or posts here on SR. What you see on here is what you get living with an A. None of us are special snowflakes and immune to the damage.
Agree with this completely, 100%, bet your britches! If I had know all that entailed living with an A, the damage to the family, how it would become normal to all of us, I would have made different choices.
Who would ever think living in a home ruled by alcohol would seem normal when there were people all around us, who we saw daily, or several times a week, who didn't live like we did. Its crazy! So yes, do you homework, don't just skim articles, or posts here on SR. What you see on here is what you get living with an A. None of us are special snowflakes and immune to the damage.
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HI family, well today is my birthday, and my xafiance took me out to lunch. First time in 7 months since I saw her. I wouldn't recommend it to the faint of heart though. We were able to air each others grievances. She told me about hanging out with another guy that was in recovery. Didn't initially tell me, she thought I would get mad. I told her "why would I get mad?" I mean it's not like we're a couple anymore. I told her I loved her and said all I want is for her to be happy. I told her all about the things I've learned from you guys and my own self-knowledge. I hadn't really been in touch with her, and haven't seen her in 7 months so it was like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. Not that we're going to work things out or anything. That's all in a higher powers hands and we both need to go on our own journey's. We both left it as a "see you around" moment. For me, I just needed a face to face quasi-closure moment. Like I said, I wouldn't recommend it for everybody, but for me it was really good. I guess it could have turned south at any moment, but it didn't. Thanks everybody for continuing to read my story and provide advice to me and everyone else.
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Hey Mango! I have good days and bad days. Was in Las Vegas last week and found out my best friend is ALSO an alcoholic. He is not in recovery yet and thinks he can sweat it out. Not likely, from what I learned. Haven't heard much from my XAGF. I let her know about my best friend. They don't know each other. Just taking it one day at a time!!!!
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Today's been a blue kind of day. It's been 7 months now and I keep thinking when is this going to stop? Alcoholism really is a Family disease, in how it effects those that care about the alcoholic. I went to my local Al-Anon yesterday and met some good folks. Also started my Domestic Violence Advocate class and will learn how to work with the local homeless later this month. Next month I will start volunteering at the local animal shelter and I'm flying to Ecuador! I'm also hitting therapy again weekly. I'm hoping that the busy things and travel will keep my mind off things and assist in my own recovery.
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Originally Posted by CedarTexas
Today's been a blue kind of day. It's been 7 months now and I keep thinking when is this going to stop?
Another thing that has been helpful for me was having a journal, even if I didn't write in it every day. Like you, I've often felt that things were not changing, not getting any better, but when I went back to my journal and read older entries, I could see that in fact, a LOT had changed. It's just that since we're living in the day-to-day, we don't see it b/c the changes are gradual. It's also important to remember that recovery is not linear; there will be jumps forward and slides backward. This thread talks about that a little bit: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-learning.html (Spirals of Learning)
I went to my local Al-Anon yesterday and met some good folks. Also started my Domestic Violence Advocate class and will learn how to work with the local homeless later this month. Next month I will start volunteering at the local animal shelter and I'm flying to Ecuador! I'm also hitting therapy again weekly. I'm hoping that the busy things and travel will keep my mind off things and assist in my own recovery.
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Hi Family! I realized I haven't posted in a few weeks. I'm still doing OK. Probably at 70%. I really like my in-person Al-Anon group I've been attending. I'm new, I guess, to Alcoholism so it's powerful to hear stories of people who have grown up with Alcoholism or had years long relationships with Alcoholics and all the SIMILAR feelings we all go through. I've been studying a lot on the disease including some great reads. I've also found an awesome therapist whom I told to not hold back and give me his straight-New York City talk on my ideas and thoughts. I also finished my Families that have been through Domestic Violence counselor class. Boy, that really puts life in perspective. Oh, and I've been volunteering at the local homeless shelter once a week. It's a men's shelter and you can tell that a lot of them are struggling with an addiction of some sort......but deep down, they are good people, living "one day at a time" like the rest of us. I've been doing this for two months now and the "regulars" know me and it's been great! Oh yeah, I used the money that was invested in our honeymoon and did a "taking care of me" trip to Ecuador. I went by myself and it was amazing! Next stop is Vietnam at the end of this month to go on a "healing trip" with my dad, just the two of us, since it's his 50th anniversary over there.
Like I said, I still have my good and bad days....waiting for that 1 year mark! but from what I've learned in Al-Anon once you've been affected by an alcoholic you're changed for life. I've heard on and off about my XA. She started a lawn business with another A, whom she had a restraining order on 2 years ago... I KNEW it was a bad decision, but held my tongue.... not surprisingly he relapsed and she ended up losing the business and filing another restraining order on him. I reached out to her because I wanted to help her....I'm a fixer, one of my step 4 findings....cold shoulder for me of course.....but I know, I have to let the A fall and get up on their own......nothing those of us who love them can do but step back. I have worked my amends with those who I thought needed them for my actions. I've apologized so many times with my XA, so I have not done an "official" amends with her, and not sure I need to. She still has yet to fully comprehend or take responsibility for the hurt/guilt/pain that she's produced to me and mine. That's her deal though, I still pray for her every day. I'm working with my therapist on why I keep trying to hold on to her and give her all this positive reinforcement for her school and sobriety....and it's been a one way street... Not that I expected anything, but heck you can only try so hard..
Hope everyone here is doing great! I always appreciate your comments....and everyone out there...Keep doing you....Just for today know you are all awesome, beautiful soul and this guy believes in all of you!
One last thought family....A homeless man at the homeless shelter whose a friend of mine now, and knows a small bit about my story gave me some perfect advice......he said "You know, you and me are the same.....we're survivors and when we get knocked down by life....we ALWAYS get back up..." So family....always get back up......
Like I said, I still have my good and bad days....waiting for that 1 year mark! but from what I've learned in Al-Anon once you've been affected by an alcoholic you're changed for life. I've heard on and off about my XA. She started a lawn business with another A, whom she had a restraining order on 2 years ago... I KNEW it was a bad decision, but held my tongue.... not surprisingly he relapsed and she ended up losing the business and filing another restraining order on him. I reached out to her because I wanted to help her....I'm a fixer, one of my step 4 findings....cold shoulder for me of course.....but I know, I have to let the A fall and get up on their own......nothing those of us who love them can do but step back. I have worked my amends with those who I thought needed them for my actions. I've apologized so many times with my XA, so I have not done an "official" amends with her, and not sure I need to. She still has yet to fully comprehend or take responsibility for the hurt/guilt/pain that she's produced to me and mine. That's her deal though, I still pray for her every day. I'm working with my therapist on why I keep trying to hold on to her and give her all this positive reinforcement for her school and sobriety....and it's been a one way street... Not that I expected anything, but heck you can only try so hard..
Hope everyone here is doing great! I always appreciate your comments....and everyone out there...Keep doing you....Just for today know you are all awesome, beautiful soul and this guy believes in all of you!
One last thought family....A homeless man at the homeless shelter whose a friend of mine now, and knows a small bit about my story gave me some perfect advice......he said "You know, you and me are the same.....we're survivors and when we get knocked down by life....we ALWAYS get back up..." So family....always get back up......
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Great post, CT - thanks for sharing all of that.
Loved this part: One last thought family....A homeless man at the homeless shelter whose a friend of mine now, and knows a small bit about my story gave me some perfect advice......he said "You know, you and me are the same.....we're survivors and when we get knocked down by life....we ALWAYS get back up..." So family....always get back up......
Blessings to you.
COD
Loved this part: One last thought family....A homeless man at the homeless shelter whose a friend of mine now, and knows a small bit about my story gave me some perfect advice......he said "You know, you and me are the same.....we're survivors and when we get knocked down by life....we ALWAYS get back up..." So family....always get back up......
Blessings to you.
COD
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Originally Posted by CedarTexas
I'm working with my therapist on why I keep trying to hold on to her and give her all this positive reinforcement for her school and sobriety....and it's been a one way street... Not that I expected anything, but heck you can only try so hard..
Yes, thanks for the update, I'm glad you are moving along and feeling better.
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HI family, been a while since I posted. Figured I put a new update as it's the New Year. I FINALLY learned how to detach with love from my XAF. I tried everything under the sun to work things out, but was always responded with a cold reply. Two weeks from now will be a year since the alcoholocaust. Someone in Al-Anon gave me a golden nugget of advice. She said "sometimes there is a fine line between a disaster and a miracle." If my "disaster" hadn't happened last year, none of the "miracles" that happened after wouldn't have happened. I was able to go to Ecuador on my own, convinced my dad to go to Vietnam with me for 10 days last December, and now am studying hard to apply to law school with a focus on disability law, helped the homeless population, met all the great people at the Domestic Violence shelter and on this forum, etc. I even started dating again! I thought I'd be a little rusty, because it's been 15 years since I really "dated", but it's actually a lot of fun. I not rushing into anything serious for a LONG time, but I've enjoyed getting "back out there." I'm even reconnecting with a lot of the mutual friends we both had that I left behind after everything went down. I've learned so much about alcoholism and it's effects. My ex-fiance will always have a small place in my heart and I do wish her the best, especially in her recovery from her addiction. I have a few white places in my beard now that I attribute to the whole experience, but I am on a great path now and really looking forward to this year. Happy New Year's everyone.
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Hear's a couple of good quotes from my Al-Anon Home group I wanted to share with ya'll.
1. If they're not wearing diapers, you can't change a person
2. Resentments are like peeing your pants, everyone can see them, but you're the only one that can feel them.
3. (In humor and in reference to accepting the 3 C's) Al-Anon's are crazier than the alcoholic because at least alcoholics can blame alcohol on the crazy stuff they do.
4. People go to church to keep from going to Hell, people go into the Al-Anon program because they've already been there.
Hope all of y'all are having a good day and taking it one day at a time!
1. If they're not wearing diapers, you can't change a person
2. Resentments are like peeing your pants, everyone can see them, but you're the only one that can feel them.
3. (In humor and in reference to accepting the 3 C's) Al-Anon's are crazier than the alcoholic because at least alcoholics can blame alcohol on the crazy stuff they do.
4. People go to church to keep from going to Hell, people go into the Al-Anon program because they've already been there.
Hope all of y'all are having a good day and taking it one day at a time!
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Originally Posted by CedarTexas
Hear's a couple of good quotes from my Al-Anon Home group I wanted to share with ya'll.
1. If they're not wearing diapers, you can't change a person
2. Resentments are like peeing your pants, everyone can see them, but you're the only one that can feel them.
3. (In humor and in reference to accepting the 3 C's) Al-Anon's are crazier than the alcoholic because at least alcoholics can blame alcohol on the crazy stuff they do.
4. People go to church to keep from going to Hell, people go into the Al-Anon program because they've already been there.
Hope all of y'all are having a good day and taking it one day at a time!
1. If they're not wearing diapers, you can't change a person
2. Resentments are like peeing your pants, everyone can see them, but you're the only one that can feel them.
3. (In humor and in reference to accepting the 3 C's) Al-Anon's are crazier than the alcoholic because at least alcoholics can blame alcohol on the crazy stuff they do.
4. People go to church to keep from going to Hell, people go into the Al-Anon program because they've already been there.
Hope all of y'all are having a good day and taking it one day at a time!
Oh, I needed that.
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