Newbie, but appreciate all the advice that has been posted
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Caught in the questioning of why....why does the alcoholic drink when they have everything to loose an nothing to gain? I know, it's a disease and they can't help it. Accidentally hurt myself not paying attention and thinking about it.
Yeah, been there, many a sleepless night, especially after some kind of "event" (arrest, hospitalization, argument) involving one of my A brothers.
All I can say is I am barely on the cusp of understanding my own mind and my own behaviors in this life! The more I learn and appreciate the complexity of the mind the more I accept that I may never know the answer to why they drink - I've come to accept the most simple and basic explanation: because they are alcoholics and that is what alcoholics do!
Have you ever read "The Body Keeps the Score" by Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk? I learned a lot from that book, but a lot of his research and amazing treatment research findings have to do with PTSD so maybe you'd find it interesting/helpful. He has really done a ton of brain research that is quite illuminating.
Sleepless nights are part of life, sometimes I cant sleep because I am fixated on how something intense shook down at work (I am an ER nurse) or on how I will pay for something, or worried about the state of the world! So yeah every now and then the alcoholics pop into my mind and cause me some nighttime consternation. I just try all the usual methods of not obsessing over things I can't change, and also not obsessing over things I CAN change but instead doing the work to change those things!
Peace,
B.
Yeah, been there, many a sleepless night, especially after some kind of "event" (arrest, hospitalization, argument) involving one of my A brothers.
All I can say is I am barely on the cusp of understanding my own mind and my own behaviors in this life! The more I learn and appreciate the complexity of the mind the more I accept that I may never know the answer to why they drink - I've come to accept the most simple and basic explanation: because they are alcoholics and that is what alcoholics do!
Have you ever read "The Body Keeps the Score" by Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk? I learned a lot from that book, but a lot of his research and amazing treatment research findings have to do with PTSD so maybe you'd find it interesting/helpful. He has really done a ton of brain research that is quite illuminating.
Sleepless nights are part of life, sometimes I cant sleep because I am fixated on how something intense shook down at work (I am an ER nurse) or on how I will pay for something, or worried about the state of the world! So yeah every now and then the alcoholics pop into my mind and cause me some nighttime consternation. I just try all the usual methods of not obsessing over things I can't change, and also not obsessing over things I CAN change but instead doing the work to change those things!
Peace,
B.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 50
My people, despite several advice, I did reach out to her. I basically said that I know we cannot be together and that I would want to tell her that we should start again, but we were engaged and above all else we were friends first. She responded positively and said she wanted to see me for coffee sometime in order to make amends, Step 4 in AA. What are you guys thoughts?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Step 4 in AA is not the Amends step. Not sure if this is a typo, a mistake, or deliberate misinformation. Step 4 is personal inventory. Amends aren't until Step 9. Not a lot of mileage in "rushing ahead."
Whether or not seeing her is a good idea is on you, my friend. No matter how good a friendship I had with any of my exes, I needed a definitive and lengthy break from contact from all of them before we could return to a clean slate for friendship. Otherwise it was just a muddle of unresolved feelings and self-doubt. Can you meet her with no expecations? Are you hoping to see a miracle? Are YOU ready, or is it wishful thinking?
Whether or not seeing her is a good idea is on you, my friend. No matter how good a friendship I had with any of my exes, I needed a definitive and lengthy break from contact from all of them before we could return to a clean slate for friendship. Otherwise it was just a muddle of unresolved feelings and self-doubt. Can you meet her with no expecations? Are you hoping to see a miracle? Are YOU ready, or is it wishful thinking?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 50
Ok, my friends, I needed to post this, as this is story that may help others and is a lesson learned. I'm writing today eating a giant slice of humble pie to my more seasoned Al-anon people. I know this is not a "I told you so" forum....but I know those that provided wise advice that I did not follow can say "I told you so." I didn't follow your advice and got back in touch with X-fiance. I wrote her this nice email and sent it to her about how I thought we could still be friends and she was still a good person and so on and so on. I told her I would meet up with her for her amends (yes, step 9) so we could still be friends. I got a reply and several kind of icy texts. None that said I was necessarily bad. Just that she's happy with her life, doesn't really care what I'm doing, so on and so on, but still wanted to be friends. I thought about it, and started to cry ALOT. I finally figured out the hard way, that I had to let her go. I manned up and gave her a phone call and somehow, through tears and a chokie voice told her I had to let her go. I didn't let her respond and just told her I had to get things off my chest. That I could not be friends, I still had feelings for her and loved her, but sometimes you have to let people go, so you can continue on with life and they can go about theirs...I said nothing bad about her the whole time, just that I had to go, forever...........I had to say it, even if that meant she will continue to be destructive to herself....it was powerful...but afterwards I have a feeling of peace. I sent her sponsor and BFF a note telling them I was letting her go, and that she may be a butt head to them, but maybe they should check on her soon. I think if roles were reversed, I would want someone to do that for me. Today, I again, am the villain/bad guy. I told her I didn't want to get any more communication from her and she needed to let me go. She sent a last note....I guess to get the last word in....that she has no love for me, hasn't even felt bad about things, that she only had one glass of wine (remember, she drank two bottles, lysterine and nyquil), that I had lied to her family and friends about her drinking, and that she thought I was a Narcissist......I know I am not......The thing is, I don't really feel bad about what she said....I feel sorry for her....To have soooo much support and not realize it.....I do hope that she finds inner peace and is able to tackle her personal demons one day.....but that's not a road I'm taking anymore....and you know what? I know I will be ok.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
You WILL be ok!!
This is your queue to block her ....
Cause they don't often take no for an answer...
And you can take your power back then and there with that one simple little action.
Best to you - MOST of us reached out to touch the burner and see if its still hot at one point or another. It almost always still is. HUGS to you!
This is your queue to block her ....
Cause they don't often take no for an answer...
And you can take your power back then and there with that one simple little action.
Best to you - MOST of us reached out to touch the burner and see if its still hot at one point or another. It almost always still is. HUGS to you!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Well, Cedar, now you know where she is and what she wants to do. And you know now what you need to do - so now it's time to move on and get you and your life back. She's not the only fish in the sea. (Okay, I feel old writing that).
Things will start to look up soon!! Go have some fun!
COD
Things will start to look up soon!! Go have some fun!
COD
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 151
Originally Posted by CedarTexas 
Thank you again for the support! On a kind of sad note, when I reached out to her family and her best friend of 15 years on what to do when she relapsed, none of them knew what to do. According to them, she was always drunk alone or masked it very well until she was hospitalized. Her sponsor told me she had to "burn out" which was SO hard for me to accept at the time, but talking with you guy and counseling, I realize the 3 C's of Al-Anon are true...I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it, and I can't Cure it.
Did you spend the time between "when you knew her" and "when you got together" *hoping* to get together?? Or did you just live your life??
I'm hoping you just "lived your life." And, if so, that's what you need to do now. Live. YOUR. Life. Not hers.
Maybe your paths will cross again in the future and, if so, *maybe* she'll be sober and stay sober. If YOU heal too, then maybe you'll end up together.
The future is unknowable.
But, you shouldn't build your life around such a thing. And you need to live in the present.
Hope this helps. Good vibes to you.
MCESaint
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
It's hurtful when they show their true colors but now you can truly move on. I'd agree with op who said block her and make sure she cannot contact you cos active alcoholics have a nasty habit of forgetting how nasty and hurtful they have been and pretend all is OK a little way down the line. If she runs out of options she may try to get you onside again so nc is a good way to do to avoid that.
Personally is she became a teetotal saint I'd not touch her with a barge pole in the future cos she showed you she didn't get a toss about you, gaslighted you and made you the one in the wrong. That was her speaking not the drink. You deserve so much better. Focus on your happiness and your kids. xx
Personally is she became a teetotal saint I'd not touch her with a barge pole in the future cos she showed you she didn't get a toss about you, gaslighted you and made you the one in the wrong. That was her speaking not the drink. You deserve so much better. Focus on your happiness and your kids. xx
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 199
Originally Posted by CedarTexas
She sent a last note....I guess to get the last word in....that she has no love for me, hasn't even felt bad about things, that she only had one glass of wine (remember, she drank two bottles, lysterine and nyquil), that I had lied to her family and friends about her drinking, and that she thought I was a Narcissist......
Yes, it's to get the last word in and to project their bad, unhealthy behavior onto us (you). He told me I was gaslighting him (really?) and that by talking with his childhood BFF, I "took away his friend."
All of that was lies!
I just had to know in heart the truth and I blocked him from every form of social media and my phone. I pray for him daily.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 50
Thank you, everyone. The fact that almost 2,000 people have read this post gives me hope. I hope my story brings help and comfort to others that may face this disease as I have. I'm still in the grieving process, but this forum has given me hope for the future and, again, I thank you all.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by CedarTexas
Thank you everyone, and for the 300+ that have read my story, I would have never thought I would have had such a minor impact. I believe I know now, that an intimate relationship with my now former fiancé is out of the question. I do think with no agenda, and not thinking about the mistakes of the past or fears of the future, that, in time, we may cautiously be a support for each other. Obviously, she has to do some "growing up" and have some accountability for her actions and continue to seek treatment. You all are right, I probably dodged a bullet that this happened before we got married. In time, I hope I can be an asset for her should she think about relapse. I have my own life to live. She walked out on me, so I think if a person walks out on you, then let'em go
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 50
Well family, I would have gotten married to my XAGF this Saturday. Thank you for everyone's support. The "why" all this happened still comes up with me from time to time. In my spam, she reached out to me again to see if I would forward some piece of mail or something. I have remained strong and have not re-connected.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Must have been a tough weekend - but you survived.
You are a strong character Cedar. When faced with this very difficult situation you did all the right things. You journaled, you cut off contact (in a nice way), you attended Al-Anon and got counselling.
Do you know how great that is? Seriously, to take the initiative to take care of yourself like that, it's truly a great thing and I hope you appreciate that about yourself.
You are a strong character Cedar. When faced with this very difficult situation you did all the right things. You journaled, you cut off contact (in a nice way), you attended Al-Anon and got counselling.
Do you know how great that is? Seriously, to take the initiative to take care of yourself like that, it's truly a great thing and I hope you appreciate that about yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 50
You all will not like this choice, but she called and I picked up. She apologized for her role in everything. We didn't talk about relationships or anything, which is good. I told her that you guys have been so enlightening to me, that I was very naive about alcoholism prior to us splitting, and that I gotta do me and she's gotta do her. I told her that I'm taking things one day at a time, sometimes one step forward at a time. We ended the talk on a positive note, I think.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I hope, Cedar, that you don't see this as a cue to stay in her life. Thing is, they all have moments of clarity. Then the bad behavior and addictions just come right back in. No more contact = No new hurts. Only you can decide how long you stay on this roller coaster.
Hugs to you.
Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I told her that you guys have been so enlightening to me, that I was very naive about alcoholism prior to us splitting, and that I gotta do me and she's gotta do her.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
