Newbie, but appreciate all the advice that has been posted
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You are so much better off without the struggles of living with an alcoholic. I am sure you will be hearing the horror stories of men and women who have lived with the terrible lifestyles that alcoholics live and the pain it causes families. Please move on. You dodged a bullet!
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Join Date: Dec 2017
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Of course family doesn't know what to do, because there is nothing anyone can do to make her stop except for her. And that is hard to accept. And it took some of us a long time to really understand that and accept it. We just kept hoping that things would get better. But alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will only get worse. But like COD said, if pleading/begging etc helped, we wouldn't be here. And even if the A gets sober it doesn't just magically fix everything depending on much damage was done during active use. It would probably be a good idea for her family to also get educated and consider alanon.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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Originally Posted by CedarTexas 
Thank you again for the support! On a kind of sad note, when I reached out to her family and her best friend of 15 years on what to do when she relapsed, none of them knew what to do. According to them, she was always drunk alone or masked it very well until she was hospitalized.
For example, a wedding is usually super stressful. Stress needs to be dealt with especially if its a known trigger. I was reading this study a few days ago about how after a major life event there is an increase in relapse risk for 3 years following. And I mean a heightened risk of relapse. And was the planned party going to offer alcohol? Triggers and such are your wifes responsibility.. But relapse starts before the first drink. There are often signs we see even when they are in denial. Its so clear with my husband looking back now.
Regardless, having layers of support is critical for me. When it happened to our family, I had no idea what to do because I had never seen him in that condition. Now at least I feel like we both have the structure in place.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
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I'm sure there would have been alcohol at the party. She told me she was comfortable with people drinking around her and told me I could drink, but I rarely did around her....
Yes, she was attending AA at least three times a week, met her sponsor every other week, saw her Psychiatrist every other week, was going to church, meditating at least 30 min in the morning, told me that this was the best relationship that she had ever been in and I was perfect for her. She did accept more responsibility at her job and was working on her graduate degree in...... addiction counseling.....with the wedding and all, I told her she had too much on her plate. She said really our relationship was the only thing she could give up. I thought she was doing everything she could to maintain sobriety and then relapsed. I think that's why I was so hurt when she relapsed,
Yes, she was attending AA at least three times a week, met her sponsor every other week, saw her Psychiatrist every other week, was going to church, meditating at least 30 min in the morning, told me that this was the best relationship that she had ever been in and I was perfect for her. She did accept more responsibility at her job and was working on her graduate degree in...... addiction counseling.....with the wedding and all, I told her she had too much on her plate. She said really our relationship was the only thing she could give up. I thought she was doing everything she could to maintain sobriety and then relapsed. I think that's why I was so hurt when she relapsed,
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Join Date: Feb 2018
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Thank you everyone, and for the 300+ that have read my story, I would have never thought I would have had such a minor impact. I believe I know now, that an intimate relationship with my now former fiancé is out of the question. I do think with no agenda, and not thinking about the mistakes of the past or fears of the future, that, in time, we may cautiously be a support for each other. Obviously, she has to do some "growing up" and have some accountability for her actions and continue to seek treatment. You all are right, I probably dodged a bullet that this happened before we got married. In time, I hope I can be an asset for her should she think about relapse. I have my own life to live. She walked out on me, so I think if a person walks out on you, then let'em go
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Originally Posted by CedarTexas
Thank you everyone, and for the 300+ that have read my story, I would have never thought I would have had such a minor impact. I believe I know now, that an intimate relationship with my now former fiancé is out of the question. I do think with no agenda, and not thinking about the mistakes of the past or fears of the future, that, in time, we may cautiously be a support for each other. Obviously, she has to do some "growing up" and have some accountability for her actions and continue to seek treatment. You all are right, I probably dodged a bullet that this happened before we got married. In time, I hope I can be an asset for her should she think about relapse. I have my own life to live. She walked out on me, so I think if a person walks out on you, then let'em go
COD
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Join Date: Feb 2018
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Well, you all were right. Over the weekend she called me twice and emailed me three times. I have headed your advice and not responded. They have been a strange mix of "I never contact or want a relationship again" " I feel so free" to "Hey, how are your doing?" I find that letting go of the alcoholic is a lot like the stages of dying - denail, anger, bargaining, depression, then acceptance. I'm about half way through the book, The New Codependency, which it the updated version of Codependency - No more. Worth the read.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
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You know guys, I know that my former fiance whom I've known for 30 years and grew up in the same small town that I did, will never have an intimate or amorous relationship again....Even with her narcissistic tendencies and being an alcoholic, from afar, I do wish the best to her. I guess, all people are flawed, and she has a disease that may kill her in the end. That doesn't make her a bad person, just sick. I'm a now former Marine who went to war 4 times and came back with PTSD. I was doing pretty good till the emotional break down that happened with her relapse...after all that, and my experiences overseas and seeing the worst in people...we are all just trying to get by day to day. I have a disability and she has a disease....we all have something we are trying to overcome...that's the dance of life, I guess. Almost 600 people have read this story.....I'm not sure what the ending is.....I know I am much more aware of myself, much more like Yoda, if you are a Star Wars fan....I know I've got a long way to go...you guys have been a life saver in providing direction for me....I was crushed, destroyed, when she relapsed and there was nothing I could do except say we couldn't be together, and then handle the utter panic I felt for a few weeks....now I'm taking it one day at a time(just like the alcoholic has to)....I still am sad from time to time and probably will be for a long time, she was my person...the one I thought I could trust beyond all others....I pray to a higher power (AA talk) that she is able to attack her disease with the 12 steps and discovers her own path to recovery......I know there are many obstacles and the odds are not in her favor... I am not a person that deals in ultimatums...if one day, when she is ready....MANY, MANY moons from now,.....and she tries to reach out to me...then I will be supportive.....as a friend.....Thank you all!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
Thank you for posting your situation. It is amazing how we all live in different cities and have different situations but we have so many similarities. IMO it sounds like you made the right decision. It is hard to let go...you are a lot stronger than I was years ago. Just from my experience, I have to say: do not go back to her. It does not get better. Unfortunately I learned that the hard way. For me, the trust was broken too many times...and I couldn't live like that any more. You deserve to live a healthy and happy life....
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 199
Originally Posted by CedarTexas
You know guys, I know that my former fiance whom I've known for 30 years and grew up in the same small town that I did, will never have an intimate or amorous relationship again....Even with her narcissistic tendencies and being an alcoholic, from afar, I do wish the best to her. I guess, all people are flawed, and she has a disease that may kill her in the end. That doesn't make her a bad person, just sick. I'm a now former Marine who went to war 4 times and came back with PTSD. I was doing pretty good till the emotional break down that happened with her relapse...after all that, and my experiences overseas and seeing the worst in people...we are all just trying to get by day to day. I have a disability and she has a disease....we all have something we are trying to overcome...that's the dance of life, I guess. Almost 600 people have read this story.....I'm not sure what the ending is.....I know I am much more aware of myself, much more like Yoda, if you are a Star Wars fan....I know I've got a long way to go...you guys have been a life saver in providing direction for me....I was crushed, destroyed, when she relapsed and there was nothing I could do except say we couldn't be together, and then handle the utter panic I felt for a few weeks....now I'm taking it one day at a time(just like the alcoholic has to)....I still am sad from time to time and probably will be for a long time, she was my person...the one I thought I could trust beyond all others....I pray to a higher power (AA talk) that she is able to attack her disease with the 12 steps and discovers her own path to recovery......I know there are many obstacles and the odds are not in her favor... I am not a person that deals in ultimatums...if one day, when she is ready....MANY, MANY moons from now,.....and she tries to reach out to me...then I will be supportive.....as a friend.....Thank you all!
You are right. We are imperfect human beings. Flawed in one way or another.
I put the whole "ultimatum" thing like this...I don't give them.
I will express to someone/anyone what I (me, myself) will put up with in life. Otherwise, MY decision to live MY life is MY choice and MY prerogative. Same as you or anyone. EVERYONE gets a choice how they want to live their lives.
I choose to live my life by NOT being around an alcoholic. Whether that be a spouse, family member or friend (which was of late). Maybe someone doesn't want to be around me for whatever reason. They get to make that choice, as well.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
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Yeah guys, tonight is a "I miss her" night. I usually am out of town on the weekend, but it's always hard coming back to and empty house....and those that are single out there, know it's hard to cook for just one person...My kiddos, who live out of state and are young, have met and hung out with her and will be here in 3 weeks, which is exciting...they have asked about her as my sons were supposed to be my groomsmen and my daughter her brides maid..she's 5.....I have told them that things didn't work out and hope they understand....when my marriage to their mother fell apart 2 years ago, we had to go through the same thing. My hope is that they do not get a "jaded" sense of love due to all this.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
Cedar Texas, so sorry for your losses of both your grandmothers. You've come to the right place in processing your angst in dealing with your AGF. I think most everyone has given you good advice because they've been down this road with their own alcoholics.
I am certainly of the opinion that you should call off your wedding (based on your fiancée's behaviors). An alcoholic is very selfish and she shows the kind of behavior where she cares more about her drinking than for you.
You mention having three children from a previous marriage. Your job is to be the best father you can be BEFORE you bring another woman on board. Given the AGF behavior, it would seem to be a foolish move for you to add her (alcoholism) to your family dynamic.
RE: wedding issue - my advice to you is not to get married. Paying for some costs of the cancelled wedding would be far cheaper than the costs you are looking at with a future divorce. Being married the second time in the best of circumstances has a very poor success rate, but dealing with a selfish self centered alcoholic is sure to end in disaster. Think of it this way, her behavior would not likely get better than the way she is treating you now.
Imagine having your children visiting for the summers and you being gone traveling for your job with them being in your all's home. I personally would not entrust her to do right by my children. (If during one of her binges you had to sleep on the floor of your office guarding keys, firearms, etc. it would be your bad judgment to put your children into this scenario).
I understand your loneliness and desire to make a new life with a new love. Get some counseling for yourself, understand alcoholism, the codependency side of things, research some of the tools/materials on this website, and arm yourself with knowledge.
If you decide you want to give this relationship a chance, go slow. Enter no legal arrangements until you see the verification through (actions) of her working her sobriety for a minimum of a year from now. I'd be very skeptical of her words. Alcoholics make the choice to relapse. The call to use their drug of choice is stronger than their love in relationships. Love is not enough. You are not enough. You should be rethinking this whole thing. Your duty is to be a healthy father, particularly when they come to visit.
I am certainly of the opinion that you should call off your wedding (based on your fiancée's behaviors). An alcoholic is very selfish and she shows the kind of behavior where she cares more about her drinking than for you.
You mention having three children from a previous marriage. Your job is to be the best father you can be BEFORE you bring another woman on board. Given the AGF behavior, it would seem to be a foolish move for you to add her (alcoholism) to your family dynamic.
RE: wedding issue - my advice to you is not to get married. Paying for some costs of the cancelled wedding would be far cheaper than the costs you are looking at with a future divorce. Being married the second time in the best of circumstances has a very poor success rate, but dealing with a selfish self centered alcoholic is sure to end in disaster. Think of it this way, her behavior would not likely get better than the way she is treating you now.
Imagine having your children visiting for the summers and you being gone traveling for your job with them being in your all's home. I personally would not entrust her to do right by my children. (If during one of her binges you had to sleep on the floor of your office guarding keys, firearms, etc. it would be your bad judgment to put your children into this scenario).
I understand your loneliness and desire to make a new life with a new love. Get some counseling for yourself, understand alcoholism, the codependency side of things, research some of the tools/materials on this website, and arm yourself with knowledge.
If you decide you want to give this relationship a chance, go slow. Enter no legal arrangements until you see the verification through (actions) of her working her sobriety for a minimum of a year from now. I'd be very skeptical of her words. Alcoholics make the choice to relapse. The call to use their drug of choice is stronger than their love in relationships. Love is not enough. You are not enough. You should be rethinking this whole thing. Your duty is to be a healthy father, particularly when they come to visit.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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Originally Posted by Ladysadie
You mention having three children from a previous marriage. Your job is to be the best father you can be BEFORE you bring another woman on board. Given the AGF behavior, it would seem to be a foolish move for you to add her (alcoholism) to your family dynamic.
I know you love this woman, but PLEASE do not put her or her addiction in front of YOU and YOUR CHILDREN. The kids didn't ask for it and don't deserve it.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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From reading this thread, it sounds like the poster has already concluded that any relationship with the ex-fiancee is off the table.
I did note though that you said your marriage to the children's mother fell apart just two years ago? Getting married again only two years after ending another marriage strikes me as possibly moving too quickly. FWIW, if you substitute my alcoholic ex-husband for your ex-fiancee, me for your ex-wife, and ... wait, that's getting too complicated. Here's the story: my marriage to an alcoholic ended and less than two years later he got married to a second wife. He (alcoholic ex) said he would stop drinking with his new spouse but he didn't. This second marriage all ended disastrously, with bad fallout for everyone involved, including two kids (one of whom is mine with my ex). The point is: take things really really slowly.
I did note though that you said your marriage to the children's mother fell apart just two years ago? Getting married again only two years after ending another marriage strikes me as possibly moving too quickly. FWIW, if you substitute my alcoholic ex-husband for your ex-fiancee, me for your ex-wife, and ... wait, that's getting too complicated. Here's the story: my marriage to an alcoholic ended and less than two years later he got married to a second wife. He (alcoholic ex) said he would stop drinking with his new spouse but he didn't. This second marriage all ended disastrously, with bad fallout for everyone involved, including two kids (one of whom is mine with my ex). The point is: take things really really slowly.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
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Ok guys, the last post is where I may have to be differential... I didn't mean that we would NEVER have a relationship again...she has a long road ahead of her....as do I...I don't think we'll have an intimate relationship, but we've known each other over 30 years. I mentioned in a previous post that I don't deal in finals or ultimatums. I've done a lot of meditating on the issue and choose not to dwell on the mistakes of the past nor the fears of the future. I think that in the ocean of life that the pains we deal with are like waves....we have to take them one at a time and can't get rid of them, but at least see where they fit in our ocean...if that makes sense...I've been doing a course by Tara Brach....no sales pitch intended...that has a lot to deal with relationships and how you have to a sense of mindfulness about what has happened. Needles s to say, I have not written her off the books. I know her heart is in the right spot and believe with enough time and support she will be well off. My role is setting boundaries....if we are friends and she drinks...I'm out! until she gets clean and is back on the wagon and dealing with her issues...that's my choice and she has hers....if she's working on her stuff and all, then of course....I'm figuring out my needs...it's all in that no-codependency book. Yeah, she may hurt me from time to time, I've got thick skin, and comfortable in my own self. Those that love you don't care and and those that care, don't matter.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Been through a lot of this myself, so wanted to let you know the feelings especially this early on are natural. To miss her and to even have daydreams about a future together where she puts in real work and steps and makes herself a better person and commits to a life of sobriety. All these are natural thoughts to have at this time.
Over time, things will subside. Early on I came here much more often as it's such a wonderful support group. Most folks here will highly recommend meetings such as Al-Anon but instead of doing that I chose to share and read here and it was a very supportive and helpful time.
Kudos for making a tough but good decision for you to distance yourself and your kiddos from someone who you love, but sadly just cannot hold it together enough to be a good strong partner for you. Most of us who aren't double winners don't know what the other side feels like, she may have the best of intentions and not know how much she hurts you, but you yourself know what is best for you.
Also, I will say that the contacts you get are also part of it, typically I would expect she will reach out at the down times and at the up times if she's partying, or found others to be with who value her attention more than her sobriety, you won't hear.
Over time I have heard from my ex a lot less but having never done the "NEVER CONTACT ME AGAIN" move so many recommend here I can say she has reached out, though much like your longing feelings, that also subsides with time and becomes less and less, and helps you heal.
Come around a lot and read a lot and you'll find some great wisdom and support around here.
Over time, things will subside. Early on I came here much more often as it's such a wonderful support group. Most folks here will highly recommend meetings such as Al-Anon but instead of doing that I chose to share and read here and it was a very supportive and helpful time.
Kudos for making a tough but good decision for you to distance yourself and your kiddos from someone who you love, but sadly just cannot hold it together enough to be a good strong partner for you. Most of us who aren't double winners don't know what the other side feels like, she may have the best of intentions and not know how much she hurts you, but you yourself know what is best for you.
Also, I will say that the contacts you get are also part of it, typically I would expect she will reach out at the down times and at the up times if she's partying, or found others to be with who value her attention more than her sobriety, you won't hear.
Over time I have heard from my ex a lot less but having never done the "NEVER CONTACT ME AGAIN" move so many recommend here I can say she has reached out, though much like your longing feelings, that also subsides with time and becomes less and less, and helps you heal.
Come around a lot and read a lot and you'll find some great wisdom and support around here.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
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Rough night my friends. Caught in the questioning of why....why does the alcoholic drink when they have everything to loose an nothing to gain? I know, it's a disease and they can't help it. Accidentally hurt myself not paying attention and thinking about it.
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I didn't mean that we would NEVER have a relationship again...she has a long road ahead of her....as do I...I don't think we'll have an intimate relationship, but we've known each other over 30 years. I mentioned in a previous post that I don't deal in finals or ultimatums.
The way I see it Cedar you sound like a nice guy and there are thousands of healthy women out there when you are ready so do yourself a favour and write her off the book. She's a selfish woman who was no support to you during not one but two bereavements in your family. It was ALL about her and it always will be. She may have been sober for 400 + days ( I'd even question if that was true tbh) but she's not learn one thing about humility and how her actions impact on people who love her. You and your kids deserve to see you can do better on your own for now even if you do not think so yet. As you heal and grow you will wonder why you even wanted to see if things would work out with her.
The way I see it Cedar you sound like a nice guy and there are thousands of healthy women out there when you are ready so do yourself a favour and write her off the book. She's a selfish woman who was no support to you during not one but two bereavements in your family. It was ALL about her and it always will be. She may have been sober for 400 + days ( I'd even question if that was true tbh) but she's not learn one thing about humility and how her actions impact on people who love her. You and your kids deserve to see you can do better on your own for now even if you do not think so yet. As you heal and grow you will wonder why you even wanted to see if things would work out with her.
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