Anyone not able to stand their RAH touching them?
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I read both of those articles. I never considered this trauma, I guess to me its just another day another issue in dealing with the alcoholic, so it seems normal and a part of everyday life. Thanks for the articles!
Originally Posted by FireSprite 
This is a straight-up response to trauma - it doesn't have to be physical trauma for us to be affected in Very Big Ways.
For me, this diminished in relation to my increase in self-care & recovery. It was a slow-starting, uphill War (fought on many fronts, lol) but the healthier I became, the less affected I was in these kinds of ways.
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/p...cal-trauma.htm
https://www.sidran.org/resources/for...ogical-trauma/
For me, this diminished in relation to my increase in self-care & recovery. It was a slow-starting, uphill War (fought on many fronts, lol) but the healthier I became, the less affected I was in these kinds of ways.
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/p...cal-trauma.htm
https://www.sidran.org/resources/for...ogical-trauma/
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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Does he have friends? He can sleep on a couch for a few months. Or relatives? Do you have friends or relatives to stay with? It's important that you have some time apart from him to sort out your feelings and needs.
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You explained it perfectly! A month before he quit, I told him I was done, and distanced myself physically. I wanted so bad to hug him, sleep in the same bed, it really hurt not to. I wouldn't even look at him because it was so hurtful that I had to distance myself.
Then he quits, and soon after this started. It doesn't hurt me because I WANT to be with him, now it hurts because I DON'T want to. And yes, I am waiting for that other shoe to drop, I know he will start again. And I don't trust him, not one bit.
Then he quits, and soon after this started. It doesn't hurt me because I WANT to be with him, now it hurts because I DON'T want to. And yes, I am waiting for that other shoe to drop, I know he will start again. And I don't trust him, not one bit.
Originally Posted by aliciagr
whats interesting to me is your saying it only started after he stopped drinking. So prior to this, being around him didnt evoke these emotions.
There were times I felt like that but it started when my husband was drinking. And it didnt just go away once he stopped because there had been damage done to us as a couple, and my own sense of security in the relationship, in just in sharing the same spaces. I had to work through those things before I felt safe and able to trust him AND MYSELF again.
What kind of emotional changes have you felt since he stopped besides this? In looking at some of your recent posts, one of the themes I see is an uncomfortable feeling he will start up again. So maybe this repulsion is a safety mechanism of the mind? If you were in a heightened state when he was actively drinking and then its gone. The brain and body have to adapt. The brain may be saying no, stay away.This is unfamiliar, what I see wont last.
I may not be explaining this clearly, but I had this issue too, just slightly different time frame.
There were times I felt like that but it started when my husband was drinking. And it didnt just go away once he stopped because there had been damage done to us as a couple, and my own sense of security in the relationship, in just in sharing the same spaces. I had to work through those things before I felt safe and able to trust him AND MYSELF again.
What kind of emotional changes have you felt since he stopped besides this? In looking at some of your recent posts, one of the themes I see is an uncomfortable feeling he will start up again. So maybe this repulsion is a safety mechanism of the mind? If you were in a heightened state when he was actively drinking and then its gone. The brain and body have to adapt. The brain may be saying no, stay away.This is unfamiliar, what I see wont last.
I may not be explaining this clearly, but I had this issue too, just slightly different time frame.
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What you said here is perfect..... My theory is that we get so broken down by the disease right along with them, that we manifest all of our hurt and pain and anger internally, and it comes out in the form of total rejection toward the object of our misery, or the one who caused us all the misery.
And thank you for the encouragement. It does seem like it will last forever and that Ill never heal.
And thank you for the encouragement. It does seem like it will last forever and that Ill never heal.
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Im right there with you, same feelings.
Originally Posted by hopeful4
I firmly believe there is a switch in your head that once it's flipped, it's flipped. I became almost sickened by my XAH even when he was not drinking for long periods of time. My mind just could not turn back or away from all the hurt and emotional damage.
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
I firmly believe there is a switch in your head that once it's flipped, it's flipped. I became almost sickened by my XAH even when he was not drinking for long periods of time. My mind just could not turn back or away from all the hurt and emotional damage.
This was exactly how it was for me. My switched flipped and that was it. It has stayed there.
I have found in my life that I have these switches around most matters.
Very helpful thread, thanks everyone.
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Great posts here. I think that once someone has hurt you so deeply, the trust is gone it is very difficult to be intimate. I believe many of us suffer from varying levels of PTSD due to trauma. You have kept things together for so long, that once the A decides to be sober and you can breathe for a time, then your body decides its time to take care of itself.
For a man it may still be possible to have sex regardless of what has happened, but for a woman sex with their husband is intimate and requires vulnerability. Being vulnerable with someone who has hurt you to the core, broken your heart so many times is very very hard. At least that is the way I feel. I stay in my room because it is safe for me. Being friends with him is also safe but being intimate , no, that is asking too much.
As some have said, it will take time to heal, forget the past and get to a place where you can be intimate (if you want to). He has to give you the time and space if that is what you want.
For a man it may still be possible to have sex regardless of what has happened, but for a woman sex with their husband is intimate and requires vulnerability. Being vulnerable with someone who has hurt you to the core, broken your heart so many times is very very hard. At least that is the way I feel. I stay in my room because it is safe for me. Being friends with him is also safe but being intimate , no, that is asking too much.
As some have said, it will take time to heal, forget the past and get to a place where you can be intimate (if you want to). He has to give you the time and space if that is what you want.
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This is the way it is.... but for a woman sex with their husband is intimate and requires vulnerability. Being vulnerable with someone who has hurt you to the core, broken your heart so many times is very very hard..... Its not sex, its just being in the same room with him, I stay in my room too if I'm not doing stuff around the house. Its been several months and it hasn't gotten better. I had to go do some things with him twice in two days, and I was an anxious mess, migraine coming on, teary-eyed. I hate him for doing this to me.
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Yeah, with my ex-husband I was afraid of a ringing phone for a long time in case it was him. I could not stand to meet him just to get a few belongings exchanged. I was very jumpy and nervous, and only felt safe when I would stay with friends that were unknown to him--he could not contact me there. Hated that feeling!
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From all you have written, Wamama, your situation sounds desperate. I understand you have asked him to leave and he will not. I further understand that you leaving the house is not an ideal situation, but I have to say, this will not get better on its own with just the magic of time. You need space to heal. If he will not give it to you, you will either have to take it for yourself or risk your emotional state breaking down even further.
Do not downplay your discomfort. Don't minimize. Listen to your gut. Do what you need to do for you, and don't wait for him to fix it. He's not equipped, and doesn't understand.
Do not downplay your discomfort. Don't minimize. Listen to your gut. Do what you need to do for you, and don't wait for him to fix it. He's not equipped, and doesn't understand.
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I really do need time.
Its not getting better, its staying the same. Not worse at least. I've explored all the options. Our adult kids have tiny apartments, and little children. I have $700 saved, not enough to live anywhere. I know the DV hotline might be able to help. I might call them in a few min. All my life I've had horrible anxiety. Leaving my house will make my anxiety even worse, which will add to the problem, not help it. Even with AH here, its my safe spot. He is leaving next week out of town for 4-5 days, Ill get a good break. Ill have time to think. Honestly I'm getting panicky, edgy. Since AH won't find a place to go, I think its time to bring his best friend in on this. I've never put him in the middle, but he knows the problems we've been having and has talked to AH many times about quitting before its too late. They have had a few arguments about it too. Well, its too late. I'm going to ask him to offer RAH a place to stay for a bit. His BF is a heavy drinker on occasion, but I no longer care if RAH stays sober or not. So I don't care that he's living in a bad environment that might affect his sobriety. I just need him to leave for a while and give me space. I'm just rambling here, I don't know what to do or where to go. I'm lost and I'm sinking. I feel like I'm going to end up in the psychiatric ward soon, a person can only handle so much before they just break.
Its not getting better, its staying the same. Not worse at least. I've explored all the options. Our adult kids have tiny apartments, and little children. I have $700 saved, not enough to live anywhere. I know the DV hotline might be able to help. I might call them in a few min. All my life I've had horrible anxiety. Leaving my house will make my anxiety even worse, which will add to the problem, not help it. Even with AH here, its my safe spot. He is leaving next week out of town for 4-5 days, Ill get a good break. Ill have time to think. Honestly I'm getting panicky, edgy. Since AH won't find a place to go, I think its time to bring his best friend in on this. I've never put him in the middle, but he knows the problems we've been having and has talked to AH many times about quitting before its too late. They have had a few arguments about it too. Well, its too late. I'm going to ask him to offer RAH a place to stay for a bit. His BF is a heavy drinker on occasion, but I no longer care if RAH stays sober or not. So I don't care that he's living in a bad environment that might affect his sobriety. I just need him to leave for a while and give me space. I'm just rambling here, I don't know what to do or where to go. I'm lost and I'm sinking. I feel like I'm going to end up in the psychiatric ward soon, a person can only handle so much before they just break.
Originally Posted by S parkleKitty
From all you have written, Wamama, your situation sounds desperate. I understand you have asked him to leave and he will not. I further understand that you leaving the house is not an ideal situation, but I have to say, this will not get better on its own with just the magic of time. You need space to heal. If he will not give it to you, you will either have to take it for yourself or risk your emotional state breaking down even further.
Do not downplay your discomfort. Don't minimize. Listen to your gut. Do what you need to do for you, and don't wait for him to fix it. He's not equipped, and doesn't understand.
Do not downplay your discomfort. Don't minimize. Listen to your gut. Do what you need to do for you, and don't wait for him to fix it. He's not equipped, and doesn't understand.
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You're right, there is only so much a person can handle and i'm so glad you see this in yourself and are seeking help.
I also had terrible anxiety for years, so I know what you are talking about completely. One thing to keep in mind is your new home (should you decide to leave) will very soon, if not immediately become your safe haven, at least that was my experience.
I hope you have called the DV hotline and I hope they can help you find organizations to help you.
Try to focus on the fact that you will get a break for a few days next week. That will give you time to relax a bit and explore your options, which may include bringing the best friend in.
Hang in there.
I also had terrible anxiety for years, so I know what you are talking about completely. One thing to keep in mind is your new home (should you decide to leave) will very soon, if not immediately become your safe haven, at least that was my experience.
I hope you have called the DV hotline and I hope they can help you find organizations to help you.
Try to focus on the fact that you will get a break for a few days next week. That will give you time to relax a bit and explore your options, which may include bringing the best friend in.
Hang in there.
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Thank you trailmix,
you're encouragement really helps. Hugs!!!!
you're encouragement really helps. Hugs!!!!
Originally Posted by trailmix
You're right, there is only so much a person can handle and i'm so glad you see this in yourself and are seeking help.
I also had terrible anxiety for years, so I know what you are talking about completely. One thing to keep in mind is your new home (should you decide to leave) will very soon, if not immediately become your safe haven, at least that was my experience.
I hope you have called the DV hotline and I hope they can help you find organizations to help you.
Try to focus on the fact that you will get a break for a few days next week. That will give you time to relax a bit and explore your options, which may include bringing the best friend in.
Hang in there.
I also had terrible anxiety for years, so I know what you are talking about completely. One thing to keep in mind is your new home (should you decide to leave) will very soon, if not immediately become your safe haven, at least that was my experience.
I hope you have called the DV hotline and I hope they can help you find organizations to help you.
Try to focus on the fact that you will get a break for a few days next week. That will give you time to relax a bit and explore your options, which may include bringing the best friend in.
Hang in there.
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