Stages of awareness
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Oregon Coast
Posts: 168
Stages of awareness
I see different stages of awareness here on this site. Or maybe these are my own stages which is why I see them everywhere.
1. Meet a new person. No idea he’s an A. He’s fun, lively, exciting, charming, funny. I’m Infatuated.
2. The relationship begins. See red flags, ignore them. No boundaries in place. In love.
3. More red flags appear. Start asking questions. Is this drinking normal? Why does he do this? Start researching. Find SR.
4. Relationship progresses. Realize things are bothering me. The hurricane is starting to whirl. I cry a lot. I have headaches. We fight about his drinking. He makes a lot of promises.
5. Nothing changes. I go to Al Anon, get a counselor, read SR more. I want out but I feel stuck. Keep hoping for change.
6. Know I must get out. He will not change. I must change. Agony. Sleeplessness. Try al Anon principles. So much work.
7. I decide to leave. Start making plans. Flip flop. Should I stay or should I go?
8. He does that one crappy thing I can’t handle and I cut the cord. Break up.
9. I Feel strong! Feel proud! Clean my house!! Go in a diet! I’m free!
19. Wait. Did I make a mistake? He apologizes. Flip flop. Ok. No. Ok. No. Serious stress here!
20. Realize I have to go no contact. It’s hard but I do it. Sadness. Loneliness. Loss of a dream.
21. Healing begins. True self care begins.
Well, I have been through these stages 3 times with 3 different ABF. I am so done this time!!
Do these look familiar? What stage are you on?
1. Meet a new person. No idea he’s an A. He’s fun, lively, exciting, charming, funny. I’m Infatuated.
2. The relationship begins. See red flags, ignore them. No boundaries in place. In love.
3. More red flags appear. Start asking questions. Is this drinking normal? Why does he do this? Start researching. Find SR.
4. Relationship progresses. Realize things are bothering me. The hurricane is starting to whirl. I cry a lot. I have headaches. We fight about his drinking. He makes a lot of promises.
5. Nothing changes. I go to Al Anon, get a counselor, read SR more. I want out but I feel stuck. Keep hoping for change.
6. Know I must get out. He will not change. I must change. Agony. Sleeplessness. Try al Anon principles. So much work.
7. I decide to leave. Start making plans. Flip flop. Should I stay or should I go?
8. He does that one crappy thing I can’t handle and I cut the cord. Break up.
9. I Feel strong! Feel proud! Clean my house!! Go in a diet! I’m free!
19. Wait. Did I make a mistake? He apologizes. Flip flop. Ok. No. Ok. No. Serious stress here!
20. Realize I have to go no contact. It’s hard but I do it. Sadness. Loneliness. Loss of a dream.
21. Healing begins. True self care begins.
Well, I have been through these stages 3 times with 3 different ABF. I am so done this time!!
Do these look familiar? What stage are you on?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
21 modified because we share children.
I am no contact with everything except what is in regards to our children. I cannot go no contact completely, which I dream of LOL. One day.....
I have let go of all the anger, resentments, etc. I just live my life as happy as possible. It's up and it's down, just like life always is.
I could not be more happy to be divorced from him. I have no resentments that he remarried. She is crazier than him, they are a match made in heaven.
I am no contact with everything except what is in regards to our children. I cannot go no contact completely, which I dream of LOL. One day.....
I have let go of all the anger, resentments, etc. I just live my life as happy as possible. It's up and it's down, just like life always is.
I could not be more happy to be divorced from him. I have no resentments that he remarried. She is crazier than him, they are a match made in heaven.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 425
This made me think about my daughter; no real substance issues, but always picks the same kind of guy. They talk a good game, but have no inclination or motivation to back it up. She's a very sweet natured person, and they take advantage that thinking, "she won't mind if I'm unemployed/underemployed." Then of course the frustration from her boils over and another relationship is done. But then she gets lonely and they will be back in her life for a short time only to repeat the cycle.
Her mom gets the teary phone call ...."Mom, what is wrong with me ?" There is no easy answer and there's nothing really wrong with her. Some women attract the wrong guy because they think they can "fix" them I guess.
Did you grow up in a house with alcoholic males ?
Her mom gets the teary phone call ...."Mom, what is wrong with me ?" There is no easy answer and there's nothing really wrong with her. Some women attract the wrong guy because they think they can "fix" them I guess.
Did you grow up in a house with alcoholic males ?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Oregon Coast
Posts: 168
Both of my grandfathers were alcoholics, so I watched my grandmothers deal with it, then of course my parents didn’t have good relationship skills as a result.
The worst thing for me was that my dad really ignored me my whole life. He moved away when I was ten and had zero involvement in my life. I kept thinking if I could get good grades, write nice letters, etc he would finally pay attention to me.
Turns out maybe I was lucky he moved away. My mom told me he was addicted to porn and cheated on her repeatedly. Then a few years ago he went to prison for having a LOT of child pornography on his computer. Really horrible stuff. Now all of a sudden he’s writing me letters. No thanks. I cut contact with him, blocked my phone, etc. I never want to talk to him again.
So yeah, there was a lack of attention. Abuse. Abandonment. Going NC with my dad was a good way for me to start setting boundaries in my life. Breaking up with ABF #3 was another important step for me. I’m working hard to break away from unhealthy relationships.
I hope your daughter figures out that she is valuable and deserves better. She does! We all do!
The worst thing for me was that my dad really ignored me my whole life. He moved away when I was ten and had zero involvement in my life. I kept thinking if I could get good grades, write nice letters, etc he would finally pay attention to me.
Turns out maybe I was lucky he moved away. My mom told me he was addicted to porn and cheated on her repeatedly. Then a few years ago he went to prison for having a LOT of child pornography on his computer. Really horrible stuff. Now all of a sudden he’s writing me letters. No thanks. I cut contact with him, blocked my phone, etc. I never want to talk to him again.
So yeah, there was a lack of attention. Abuse. Abandonment. Going NC with my dad was a good way for me to start setting boundaries in my life. Breaking up with ABF #3 was another important step for me. I’m working hard to break away from unhealthy relationships.
I hope your daughter figures out that she is valuable and deserves better. She does! We all do!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
