Wamama48

Detach-I can't seem to figure it out. I'm sorry to keep taking up so much space here. I can't handle this. I can't seem to detach and its sending me right to the bottom. He had his counseling appt yesterday, got info on AA, lots of resources, he seemed hopeful. Good thing he's been sober or he wouldn't have remembered a thing. Stupid me, I asked about what he thought about what he learned. He shared some more, talked about AA helping him. Then he says something along the lines of now he knows where to get help if he needs it in the future, because he's doing fine staying sober right now. I didn't realize I had pinned so much hope on him getting help. Then I proceed to flip out crying hysterically and stormed out of the house and went for a drive. I always go for a drive and blast the music when I'm upset and it helps a lot. I can tell he was scared because he knew it wasn't safe for me to be out. He was on the porch smoking and his body language told me. And it was a bad idea since it's been snowing, the roads might have icy spots and I was so upset. And it was 1:00 in the morning. I was driving out by the river, there are no street lights around here, small rural town, so it was pitch black. So I got disoriented and didn't know where I was for a minute or two as it was pitch black. Yes, I'm looking into counseling, that will take several weeks to get going. I am going to my first Al Anon meeting Thursday and looking forward to it. I need him to leave. He won't leave, he just figures if he stays away from me all the time that's good. I told him ITS NOT. He's just a dumb a**! True he really has nowhere to go. I am beyond caring. Maybe his dad's, but he doesn't want to get on his knees to do that. The only other place he can go is his best friends. Who is a heavy drinker. And I don't care about his sobriety anymore, Im done. I've explored a ton of options for me to leave. Besides me and the boys leaving will create more problems and stress and would make it worse, not give me a break and make it better. I'm ready to just disappear for a few days. No I'm not going to hurt myself, I just want a break and to do things I like that relax me and make me happy. I'd love to go back up to the Olympic National Rainforest and the beaches. Although this time of year it's always raining, but there are breaks in the rain to go out and walk and think. It's about a 4 hour drive North. I'll tell all the adult kids where Im going but he can stay in the dark, I don't want him to know where I am, he can just sweat it out. I love it there. If I dont get some relief soon I'll probably end up in an inpatient stay in the psych ward. I'm just about done with what I can handle after 18 years.

DontRemember

I'd equate driving upset/angry(especially in bad weather) almost to a dui( I was angry when I started drinking the day of my last DUI)...ALMOST.. I'm a car guy and when I want to 'blow off some steam' I hop in a fast car,crank the music and hit the back roads. I've got a fast truck for off roading too. It can be dangerous, is all I'm saying.

Sailorgirl57

Hi wawa, I hear you. I’m just a few months ahead of you in this journey toward recovery. I live in NW Oregon and I know what you mean about the rain. I say go for it. Take 3 or 4 days off work and drive up to Lake Quinault Lodge. You need a retreat, sister! Bring cozy sweaters and good books to read and journals and knitting projects and rain gear and hiking boots. Give yourself the gift of three days of peace. They will survive without you. The green cedar trees will bless your healing. Hugs!!

trailmix

Please do take that break! You do need it, you do deserve it, you don't need to tell him where you are going or what you are doing, but please do it for yourself.

Edited to add - you are not stupid, please don't tell yourself that.

Wamama48

Yeah it was really stupid. I am normally a very cautious, overthinking person so that was very unusual for me. It's snowing now,
I'm not going anywhere. My point was I'm so done and desperately need a break that I'm not even thinking straight. One day when I feel better I can't wait to going mudding! Wish I had a neat truck like you do, but my little 4WD Explorer will have to do. lol

Wamama48

Thank you! We dont live too far from each other.
Ive never heard of Lake Quinalt lodge.
Sitting by a fire, warm and cozy, drinking coffee,
and writing in my journal sounds therapeutic.

Sailorgirl57

Google it and make a plan to go there! I went there by myself once and loved every scrumptious minute! PS snowing here too!!!

trailmix

Just wanted to say, please don't feel that way, post as much as you feel like posting!

PrettyViolets

Getting Them Sober Volume One (3rd Edition)

Chapter 37 Don't Expect Him to Get Sober

"He does mean it when he promises he won't drink again, but he probably can't keep that promise-and he doesn't know it.

The paradox is: when you truly stop expecting him to be sober, he has a better chance to be sober.

. . . What can you do? First, remember the facts. Alcoholism is a disease: your spouse (partner, boyfriend)is addicted, not from a lack of will-power, religion or love for you: he is addicted to alcohol.

Try to remember that drinking is only one symptom of alcoholism. Another symptom is the alcoholic's desperate attempts to patch up his life by making promises he cannot keep. One of these is his promise to stop drinking.

. . . Is there hope?

Paradoxically, when you truly stop expecting it, and start believing in the reality of his illness, start losing your personal anger towards him, get a distance on it all, and plan your life for you--then, your whole behavior, your attitude, your voice, your actions towards your spouse (partner, boyfriend)--all will change. He will sense the change. He will see, without your having to say it, that the problem is his--not yours. It won't even be anything that you'll have to discuss. Both of you will know it--even though he may deny it. You'll have your serenity; and he will have a chance to choose recovery."

This passage reminded me of detachment. It is up to him to take care of his sobriety.

Seren

Hello Wamama,

A family disease, for sure. It affects everyone, and often we find we don't like who and what we have become when active alcoholism meets our own insecurities. Just speaking from personal experience--not good.

I hope you will take the time to take good care of yourself--no matter what he is doing.

And yes, post here all you want

Givenup2018

Wamama, take the time out, get away for a day or two, you do not have to think about it. You are probably used to putting yourself last on the list of things to be done. Learn to be kind to yourself first. Your children (grown or otherwise) need a parent who is happy and grounded. You cannot reason /understand the actions of an active alcoholic until they have started working a program. Don't even try. Please take care of yourself, take the time you need.

FireSprite

Wamama - you are allowed to be HUMAN.

I think this is more about expectations than just simple detachment - he's not on board with recovery & that's not OK with you - is the way I'm hearing you.

I'd work on adjusting to reasonable expectations based on current circumstances (including active drinking) - then work on detaching from it all.

And I'm another vote to get away if you can at all - some space & time apart when things are haywire can be just what everyone needs.

AnvilheadII

check out Wellspring Spa and Woodland Retreat at Mt. Rainier.......

hopeful4

Sending you huge hugs and want to second what someone said above. Don't ever hesitate to post here. We are all here for you, and want you to post as often as you need to. SR is a place of great healing.

You can do this. I agree, take a couple of days. The earth won't stop rotating, and you will get a little break.

Ladybird579

Maybe his dad's, but he doesn't want to get on his knees to do that.

Maybe he's going to have too. My exah had to go cap in hand to his sister to have a place to stay. He went. He only went when he got it we were done. 100% over with no come back ever. Before that he used every excuse...I live here, you can go cos you are the one with the problem, I can't afford to move out...you name it but once he knew it was over and divorce was imminent he went. As long as he had hope I'd carry on putting up with him he stayed.

SparkleKitty

Wow, three "stupids" AND an "I'll never learn"? Wamama, are you going for a record of negative self-talk here or what?!?!?!

I'm being light-hearted, but it's no joke: the way we talk to ourselves--whether we think we mean it or not--has a very strong connection to the way we feel about ourselves, and it works in both directions, positive and negative. So how about giving the positive the old college try? The more we speak to ourselves with love and respect, the more we believe we deserve love and respect. Not just from others but from ourselves.

Detachment is NOT. EASY. It takes practice, and a lot of falling down and getting back up again. It doesn't become second nature overnight. So maybe give yourself a break on that front.

The other thing about detachment, though...it's not an awesome long-term strategy. At some point, you will detach so completely from the relationship that you have to ask yourself what you're still doing in it. Can you really live your best life that way for the next five years? Ten? Is that how you want to spend your brief, precious time on earth?

DontRemember

I love the beach sunny or raining,but I'll also add when I didn't want to be at my house(my exAgf) got separate housing a few years before our final ending, I'd rent a nice hotel room and just be lazy for a while..nothing wrong with a 'staycation'. I'd hit up that 4hr road trip if I were you though.

Wamama48

Yes, it is very much about expectations. I EXPECT a 52 year old man to grow the heck up and stop thinking about himself. How can I adjust to him starting drinking again, or expect him to start drinking again?
Ok I do expect him to start drinking again because he's doing nothing to help himself. Good gosh, Im so confused. I would have to let go of my hopes to see him sober, and if I just give up on that, whats left? There was a reason I told him to stop or walk. Because I wanted him to stop.

Wamama48

Hahaha good idea. I was thinking the same thing. I've considered just getting a hotel room and sitting around reading, drawing, journaling. If I had the money Id take off right now. We are already short this month, even with him not spending money on his beer. I can research activities and places to visit though and still make plans,
its relaxing and fun.

Wamama48

I was sitting in the living room this morning, drinking coffee when I read the first line of your post. I almost spit my coffee out trying not to laugh. It got my attention, and I will make a more conscious effort to catch my negative self talk. I actually didn't realize I was doing it, I guess Im immune to it and dont even notice.