BF & Alcholic Friends
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Join Date: Feb 2018
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BF & Alcholic Friends
My boyfriend and I have been together for five years now. The beginning of our relationship cannot by any means be described as stable. We had met in school and I knew that he had talked about alcohol, but so did a lot of other kids in college. To disclose, I came from a family where no one really drank. The first meetings with him were supposed to be a study group with our class. He had chosen a bar as the location and continued to get wasted there. Even so, despite being very eccentric (which I attributed to the alcohol), I asked if we could continue hanging out.
We had come from similar backgrounds where both our families were abusive and had similar thoughts on a lot of things, so we quickly struck up a kinship. All throughout our first dates, he drank without end. When I was younger, I was physically locked inside the house and had not had the chance to talk to really anyone. My bf was the first person I really got close to and ever talked with since all of my friendships were killed from early on by my family. Without any experience, I had not been sure if it was normal. I tried to in my mind tell myself that I should not judge.
Time passes and my bf take another class together since we share majors in the same field. Each day of class, my bf would notice that I would come complete with new bruises all over my body from a sibling that was quite violent. At around four months of us dating, I ended up being beaten so badly by my sibling that I pass out. When I come to, I manage to crawl to my room and phone him to let him know that I wasn't sure I was going to make it out of the house alive that night. I had told my mother about the pain and she had told me that it would stop hurting in a few hours. I let my bf know that and he (since he couldn't drive at the time) had his mother rush over to get me. He helps me into the car, makes sure I stay awake to be safe, and has me taken to the hospital. It was after this point that I started living with him and his family. I knew that it was too early and I knew he had temper issues, but I took that over the beatings and emotional abuse I was receiving in my family's house.
The next months were completely trying as I felt what little confidence I had shattered. At first, I thought I liked my bf when he drank. He would encourage me to drink and I would drink, but eventually when I realized that he was an alcoholic I ceased any drinking. He seemed more sociable and happy, but as time wore on, I saw another side of him. For the first hour, he would seem happy enough, but into the second hour he was angry. He would tell me about how sexually unappealing I was and would make me feel unloved. I had nowhere to go, so I put up with it.
He was very lazy about finding work, despite his mother pushing him. I would help him find positions and apply, but he never did that much either. Finally, he did find a job at a dead-end, high-stress place and became even more angry. All of his co-workers were alcoholics, too, so it helped to further normalize it and helped when he would make excuses for what he was doing. I remember him coming back from the bar very late and proceeded to tell me that some very attractive women were doing things sexually with him (he had gotten into the habit of telling me about his sexual pursuits) and that if I wanted to not seem so unappealing, I should start having sex with other men to get experience. I broke down crying and he berated me for it. Since I have PTSD as well, when I would freeze and go through an episode, he would yell at me and keep trying to get me to say something. I hadn't told him that I had PTSD because I was still figuring everything out myself, but certainly what he did didn't help.
As years wore on, I saved what I could since I didn't make much money. I encouraged him not to drink so much, especially since he was starting to make threats while drunk and I was becoming increasingly scared. I even spoke to his mother about the severity of his problems. His mother gave me lip services, and as I would find out later, whenever he would try to stop drinking, she would take him out to a bar or a place that served alcohol and would encourage him to drink with her. I would find bottles of alcohol hidden in different places throughout the house, too.
I had begun to grow closer to my co-workers in my new job at that point and had divulged to one of them that I would stay at work for hours because I was afraid to go home. Spending time with my new co-workers and finally having someone to share all my fears with made my confidence rise and I began planning with them on whether or not to make an escape.
My chance came when my bf planned to go on a trip for a week or two. I had felt so happy when he was gone. I would answer his calls and would hear about how drunk he was, but I felt safe away from him. When he finally came back and I was subjected to the same thing, I decided that I would make my escape and packed up all of my belongings while he was at work the following day.
I had let him know that I was breaking up with him when he called upon realizing all of my stuff was gone. The places I lived after that were, predictably unsafe. The last place I was living was with a co-worker that I found out had a rape and murder fetish. When my boyfriend let me know that he was sober, I finally agreed to move back in. He was sober for awhile and we working to rekindle things, but he was back to drinking again. After his mother took him out drinking, he became so angry that I had to barricade the bedroom and when he forced his way in, I ran and was forced to call the cops.
The next few months after that seemed to be eye opening for him. He stopped drinking, refused his mother's offers, and had begun to be less angry. We moved out since I found a job that paid well enough and he has been sober for a year and a half now and has become very attentive and much kinder. Though he still has terrible anxiety and is still incredibly lazy (promises to help around the house and to pay his share of the rent, but beats around the bush for both). When we moved in, I did find out that he was lying to his friends about what was going on with alcohol. When I comforted him, he blamed me saying everything would be happier if I did not find out since he wanted to pacify me and his friends. Though I never asked him to, he cut off contact with his one and only friend because that friend was a huge alcoholic who would work to pressure him into drinking. My bf said that that would help with my trust issues.
Now, my bf is changing to a job that is actually in his desired field and will have more time to hang out with friends. He made a new friend at the job he is leaving and has stated that he wants to hang out with him. I do not feel it is right to restrict a person's access to their friends, so of course I have agreed. All of my bf's past friends have been alcoholics and this newest one is no exception. Since he stopped seeing his other friend instead of me seeing him hang out with an alcoholic friend and becoming more trusting, I am admittedly nervous about him hanging out. I am not going to say anything because he'll stop seeing this friend, too, but I am afraid of him lying to me as he has done in the past and am still haunted by the event of having to barricade myself in the bedroom. What should I do?
We had come from similar backgrounds where both our families were abusive and had similar thoughts on a lot of things, so we quickly struck up a kinship. All throughout our first dates, he drank without end. When I was younger, I was physically locked inside the house and had not had the chance to talk to really anyone. My bf was the first person I really got close to and ever talked with since all of my friendships were killed from early on by my family. Without any experience, I had not been sure if it was normal. I tried to in my mind tell myself that I should not judge.
Time passes and my bf take another class together since we share majors in the same field. Each day of class, my bf would notice that I would come complete with new bruises all over my body from a sibling that was quite violent. At around four months of us dating, I ended up being beaten so badly by my sibling that I pass out. When I come to, I manage to crawl to my room and phone him to let him know that I wasn't sure I was going to make it out of the house alive that night. I had told my mother about the pain and she had told me that it would stop hurting in a few hours. I let my bf know that and he (since he couldn't drive at the time) had his mother rush over to get me. He helps me into the car, makes sure I stay awake to be safe, and has me taken to the hospital. It was after this point that I started living with him and his family. I knew that it was too early and I knew he had temper issues, but I took that over the beatings and emotional abuse I was receiving in my family's house.
The next months were completely trying as I felt what little confidence I had shattered. At first, I thought I liked my bf when he drank. He would encourage me to drink and I would drink, but eventually when I realized that he was an alcoholic I ceased any drinking. He seemed more sociable and happy, but as time wore on, I saw another side of him. For the first hour, he would seem happy enough, but into the second hour he was angry. He would tell me about how sexually unappealing I was and would make me feel unloved. I had nowhere to go, so I put up with it.
He was very lazy about finding work, despite his mother pushing him. I would help him find positions and apply, but he never did that much either. Finally, he did find a job at a dead-end, high-stress place and became even more angry. All of his co-workers were alcoholics, too, so it helped to further normalize it and helped when he would make excuses for what he was doing. I remember him coming back from the bar very late and proceeded to tell me that some very attractive women were doing things sexually with him (he had gotten into the habit of telling me about his sexual pursuits) and that if I wanted to not seem so unappealing, I should start having sex with other men to get experience. I broke down crying and he berated me for it. Since I have PTSD as well, when I would freeze and go through an episode, he would yell at me and keep trying to get me to say something. I hadn't told him that I had PTSD because I was still figuring everything out myself, but certainly what he did didn't help.
As years wore on, I saved what I could since I didn't make much money. I encouraged him not to drink so much, especially since he was starting to make threats while drunk and I was becoming increasingly scared. I even spoke to his mother about the severity of his problems. His mother gave me lip services, and as I would find out later, whenever he would try to stop drinking, she would take him out to a bar or a place that served alcohol and would encourage him to drink with her. I would find bottles of alcohol hidden in different places throughout the house, too.
I had begun to grow closer to my co-workers in my new job at that point and had divulged to one of them that I would stay at work for hours because I was afraid to go home. Spending time with my new co-workers and finally having someone to share all my fears with made my confidence rise and I began planning with them on whether or not to make an escape.
My chance came when my bf planned to go on a trip for a week or two. I had felt so happy when he was gone. I would answer his calls and would hear about how drunk he was, but I felt safe away from him. When he finally came back and I was subjected to the same thing, I decided that I would make my escape and packed up all of my belongings while he was at work the following day.
I had let him know that I was breaking up with him when he called upon realizing all of my stuff was gone. The places I lived after that were, predictably unsafe. The last place I was living was with a co-worker that I found out had a rape and murder fetish. When my boyfriend let me know that he was sober, I finally agreed to move back in. He was sober for awhile and we working to rekindle things, but he was back to drinking again. After his mother took him out drinking, he became so angry that I had to barricade the bedroom and when he forced his way in, I ran and was forced to call the cops.
The next few months after that seemed to be eye opening for him. He stopped drinking, refused his mother's offers, and had begun to be less angry. We moved out since I found a job that paid well enough and he has been sober for a year and a half now and has become very attentive and much kinder. Though he still has terrible anxiety and is still incredibly lazy (promises to help around the house and to pay his share of the rent, but beats around the bush for both). When we moved in, I did find out that he was lying to his friends about what was going on with alcohol. When I comforted him, he blamed me saying everything would be happier if I did not find out since he wanted to pacify me and his friends. Though I never asked him to, he cut off contact with his one and only friend because that friend was a huge alcoholic who would work to pressure him into drinking. My bf said that that would help with my trust issues.
Now, my bf is changing to a job that is actually in his desired field and will have more time to hang out with friends. He made a new friend at the job he is leaving and has stated that he wants to hang out with him. I do not feel it is right to restrict a person's access to their friends, so of course I have agreed. All of my bf's past friends have been alcoholics and this newest one is no exception. Since he stopped seeing his other friend instead of me seeing him hang out with an alcoholic friend and becoming more trusting, I am admittedly nervous about him hanging out. I am not going to say anything because he'll stop seeing this friend, too, but I am afraid of him lying to me as he has done in the past and am still haunted by the event of having to barricade myself in the bedroom. What should I do?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, damarikomu.
Welcome to SR.
Your relationship sounds very scary to me. Do you have someplace safe you can go if your so is violent?
Other than barricading yourself in the bedroom, I mean.
Your so is abusive, and, frankly, I fear for you.
How about calling or visiting a domestic violence center?
Good lck. Stay safe.
Welcome to SR.
Your relationship sounds very scary to me. Do you have someplace safe you can go if your so is violent?
Other than barricading yourself in the bedroom, I mean.
Your so is abusive, and, frankly, I fear for you.
How about calling or visiting a domestic violence center?
Good lck. Stay safe.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
What Maudcat said. You need to get out and leave him without looking back. I know that is easier said than done. Your upbringing obviously has given you a very wrong impression of what relationships should be like and that is very hard to escape, especially without help. I would contact a domestic violence help center as well. I'm sure they have a place near you where you can be safe and they can help you with resources. If you're not in counseling please find someone soon. I have never experienced anything like you have had to endure, I've "only" had to deal with an alcoholic husband (and a narcissistic XH and controlling mother) which is bad enough but never had to experience abuse lik you have. That said, it was a very dysfunctional relationship and I lived with it for years thinking it would get better, and it would at times which give us hope, only for it to get worse again after a while. Your situation is much much worse because I feel like you are in danger of getting seriously hurt. You deserve much better than that and I know that's hard to believe sometimes because you've never been treated right by the people that are supposed to love you and be there for you.
Please get help, you deserve to feel and be safe. Start with contacting a DV hotline and they will be able to steer you in the right direction. And don't believe anything your boyfriend tells you about anything. He is an addict and they don't talk or think rationally and will say whatever makes THEM feel better and in control. You are interfering with his drinking so you're the bad guy even though you're not. But they are so manipulative that you will start believing that nonsense. I think they call it gas lighting. (Most of us have experienced this to some degree and it is hard to see and understand this when you're in th thick of it, that's why you need people on this forum who have been there done that and also professional help to help you realize you are worth so much more and help you see that the way you are being treated is not normal).
Stop worrying about him and start thinking about yourself. You deserve it. He isn't going to change unless he wants to and it doesn't look that that is on the horizon anytime soon.
Please get help, you deserve to feel and be safe. Start with contacting a DV hotline and they will be able to steer you in the right direction. And don't believe anything your boyfriend tells you about anything. He is an addict and they don't talk or think rationally and will say whatever makes THEM feel better and in control. You are interfering with his drinking so you're the bad guy even though you're not. But they are so manipulative that you will start believing that nonsense. I think they call it gas lighting. (Most of us have experienced this to some degree and it is hard to see and understand this when you're in th thick of it, that's why you need people on this forum who have been there done that and also professional help to help you realize you are worth so much more and help you see that the way you are being treated is not normal).
Stop worrying about him and start thinking about yourself. You deserve it. He isn't going to change unless he wants to and it doesn't look that that is on the horizon anytime soon.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
Agree with the other posters.. this sounds like a ticking timebomb. Tread carefully and be prepared for the worse.
Now as an aside... you need to be able to express your feelings about things. You are concerned about the new friend, and rightly so... and you should be able to speak up about that so he knows how you are feeling. I did that with my wife (currently in transitional living)... she did not have herself a sponsor and that was making me nervous. I told her how I felt... and of course she got defensive... She eventually realized that I was correct in my perception and concerns and that her defensiveness was due to the fact that she truly knew that my feelings were legitimate ones. She now has a sponsor...
Now as an aside... you need to be able to express your feelings about things. You are concerned about the new friend, and rightly so... and you should be able to speak up about that so he knows how you are feeling. I did that with my wife (currently in transitional living)... she did not have herself a sponsor and that was making me nervous. I told her how I felt... and of course she got defensive... She eventually realized that I was correct in my perception and concerns and that her defensiveness was due to the fact that she truly knew that my feelings were legitimate ones. She now has a sponsor...
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