I was doing so well
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Oregon Coast
Posts: 168
I was doing so well
After breaking up with ABF 47 days ago. Trying to get through this pain of breaking up, doing all the right things. Blocked him from my phone and texting.
Last night I was home, I live alone, watching a comedy and drinking tea. Doing just fine. The phone rings. It’s his second work phone (I blocked first work phone and his cell). I answered, big mistake. He went on and on he still loves me, he misses me, he has cut back on his drinking (but refuses to quit!) I am so triggered, so upset, I lose it, tell him I love him and miss him too. Beg him to quit drinking. He says “I just really like beer” and I totally lose it, yell fine then enjoy your beer but without me, and hang up.
All day long today he is on my mind, I’m upset, I want to cry, I email him, I even try calling him (thank god he didn’t answer).
What’s wrong with me? I was doing so well. Now I’m a blob of sobbing jello. How can I get back on track? I blocked all his work numbers. He will probably borrow a friend’s next time. How can I regain my sanity? I’m a wreck.
Last night I was home, I live alone, watching a comedy and drinking tea. Doing just fine. The phone rings. It’s his second work phone (I blocked first work phone and his cell). I answered, big mistake. He went on and on he still loves me, he misses me, he has cut back on his drinking (but refuses to quit!) I am so triggered, so upset, I lose it, tell him I love him and miss him too. Beg him to quit drinking. He says “I just really like beer” and I totally lose it, yell fine then enjoy your beer but without me, and hang up.
All day long today he is on my mind, I’m upset, I want to cry, I email him, I even try calling him (thank god he didn’t answer).
What’s wrong with me? I was doing so well. Now I’m a blob of sobbing jello. How can I get back on track? I blocked all his work numbers. He will probably borrow a friend’s next time. How can I regain my sanity? I’m a wreck.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
that's the thing about our recovery......it's all new and unexplored territory and we don't know everything out the gate. we sometimes have to go thru a painful experience to get the AHA, now i know what to do NEXT time this happens.
he dangled the carrot.....used the LOVE you and MISS you words.....ding! it's like sitting at the slot machine and the wheels are spinning and we get Triple Bar....Triple Bar......orange. dammit. and everything in us says one more spin.......one more pull, surely THIS TIME that third Triple Bar will fall!
you ARE doing well.....you have a lot of awareness......just give yourself time to work it all out......don the pj's and go into full "schlepp" mode.....indulge in some comfort food (i'd highly recommend Stouffer's Mac n Cheese or Ling Ling Chinese dumplings, but that's just me), fire up Independence Day or a Die Hard....something where the Good Guy wins.....
he dangled the carrot.....used the LOVE you and MISS you words.....ding! it's like sitting at the slot machine and the wheels are spinning and we get Triple Bar....Triple Bar......orange. dammit. and everything in us says one more spin.......one more pull, surely THIS TIME that third Triple Bar will fall!
you ARE doing well.....you have a lot of awareness......just give yourself time to work it all out......don the pj's and go into full "schlepp" mode.....indulge in some comfort food (i'd highly recommend Stouffer's Mac n Cheese or Ling Ling Chinese dumplings, but that's just me), fire up Independence Day or a Die Hard....something where the Good Guy wins.....
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 30
sailorgirl, when my husband is at his most pathetic is when I am most triggered and blindsided.
Something in me activates JUSt like Anvilhead described. He goes into some semblance of "but I love you" or "I never do anything right" mode, and I'm toast.
It's frustrating as hell because I can see through from a distance: I can write it about it here and know exactly what's going on at a psychological level (he's triggering old patterns very similar to childhood that I don't even really remember but that exist on a visceral level).
In the moment? Whew, girl.
Yes to being super kind to you today/tonight. Beating ourselves up doesn't help. It only engrains the patterns more. Find the ways in which you have changed for the better: your awareness, the strength you had in breaking up with him, the strength you showed in the moment tonight when you told him to enjoy his beer without you and then you moved along with your evening without more of him in it.
Those are all celebrations. And PJ mode, as Anvilhead suggests, is a lovely idea. If it were me, it would be ice cream, maybe mint chip.
Something in me activates JUSt like Anvilhead described. He goes into some semblance of "but I love you" or "I never do anything right" mode, and I'm toast.
It's frustrating as hell because I can see through from a distance: I can write it about it here and know exactly what's going on at a psychological level (he's triggering old patterns very similar to childhood that I don't even really remember but that exist on a visceral level).
In the moment? Whew, girl.
Yes to being super kind to you today/tonight. Beating ourselves up doesn't help. It only engrains the patterns more. Find the ways in which you have changed for the better: your awareness, the strength you had in breaking up with him, the strength you showed in the moment tonight when you told him to enjoy his beer without you and then you moved along with your evening without more of him in it.
Those are all celebrations. And PJ mode, as Anvilhead suggests, is a lovely idea. If it were me, it would be ice cream, maybe mint chip.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Originally Posted by Sailorgirl57 
I answered, big mistake. He went on and on he still loves me, he misses me, he has cut back on his drinking (but refuses to quit!) I am so triggered, so upset, I lose it, tell him I love him and miss him too. Beg him to quit drinking. He says “I just really like beer” and I totally lose it, yell fine then enjoy your beer but without me, and hang up.
All day long today he is on my mind, I’m upset, I want to cry, I email him, I even try calling him (thank god he didn’t answer).
What’s wrong with me? I was doing so well. Now I’m a blob of sobbing jello. How can I get back on track? I blocked all his work numbers. He will probably borrow a friend’s next time. How can I regain my sanity? I’m a wreck.
All day long today he is on my mind, I’m upset, I want to cry, I email him, I even try calling him (thank god he didn’t answer).
What’s wrong with me? I was doing so well. Now I’m a blob of sobbing jello. How can I get back on track? I blocked all his work numbers. He will probably borrow a friend’s next time. How can I regain my sanity? I’m a wreck.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
SG,
Yes it is painful because we still "love" our addicts, but they have not changed a bit. We realize just like an addict that we "used" and now we need to get back on the wagon. Its not like you have not done this before, you know what you need to do. Sometimes we need to love people from a distance, not up close and personal. Hugs
Yes it is painful because we still "love" our addicts, but they have not changed a bit. We realize just like an addict that we "used" and now we need to get back on the wagon. Its not like you have not done this before, you know what you need to do. Sometimes we need to love people from a distance, not up close and personal. Hugs
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Sailor, I'm going to link you to a couple of older threads that you might find useful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...are-store.html (Bread at the Hardware Store)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...akes-time.html (A riff on "time takes time")
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ompassion.html (Compassion)
I think an important thing to remember is that recovery is not a straight-line process. Having a bad day doesn't mean you'll never again have a good day; having a good day doesn't mean you'll never again have a bad day. This simple fact seemed like a HUGE revelation to me at the time, and even now, I often need to remind myself about it--not necessarily in relation to my A, but just in life in general. A bad day doesn't mean I'm incompetent, a fool, lazy, or inconsiderate any more than a good day means I'm a genius, perfect or infallible.
All you can do is to continue working on your own recovery. Don't waste time or energy beating yourself up. Look at what actions or thoughts on your part led to your "slip", and then work to strengthen those areas. Time does indeed take time, and as long as you keep making whatever effort you're capable of at any given moment, you WILL get where you're going.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...are-store.html (Bread at the Hardware Store)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...akes-time.html (A riff on "time takes time")
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ompassion.html (Compassion)
I think an important thing to remember is that recovery is not a straight-line process. Having a bad day doesn't mean you'll never again have a good day; having a good day doesn't mean you'll never again have a bad day. This simple fact seemed like a HUGE revelation to me at the time, and even now, I often need to remind myself about it--not necessarily in relation to my A, but just in life in general. A bad day doesn't mean I'm incompetent, a fool, lazy, or inconsiderate any more than a good day means I'm a genius, perfect or infallible.
All you can do is to continue working on your own recovery. Don't waste time or energy beating yourself up. Look at what actions or thoughts on your part led to your "slip", and then work to strengthen those areas. Time does indeed take time, and as long as you keep making whatever effort you're capable of at any given moment, you WILL get where you're going.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Sailorgirl57
Wow, you should start a podcast! You are wise and caring!! ❤️❤️
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