Petition for custody: filing today
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A Star walks into a black hole but doesn't seem phased. The Black Hole then turns to the star and says, "Sir, I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation"
There's your 'anecdote'....
COD
There's your 'anecdote'....
COD
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LOL! I like the black hole jokes.
My son liked the doctor and she gave him at least one idea to conquer his fear that he seems to have internalized. She also felt that the separation anxiety was the result of his black hole fear and not something bigger, which was a relief to me. "Sometimes when you're scared, you especially want your safe adults to be near you because they make you feel safe."
In other news, talked to my ex last night about science fair stuff. He was literally unintelligible. And texting me jokes and winks this morning - dead giveaway he is not sober. By now he would have seen the petition I expect; and maybe he is getting his last hurrah in before he starts his SCRAM monitor.
My court date is March 2nd. Now doing a bunch of research into the role of a guardian et litem, since we will be asking the court to assign one.
My son liked the doctor and she gave him at least one idea to conquer his fear that he seems to have internalized. She also felt that the separation anxiety was the result of his black hole fear and not something bigger, which was a relief to me. "Sometimes when you're scared, you especially want your safe adults to be near you because they make you feel safe."
In other news, talked to my ex last night about science fair stuff. He was literally unintelligible. And texting me jokes and winks this morning - dead giveaway he is not sober. By now he would have seen the petition I expect; and maybe he is getting his last hurrah in before he starts his SCRAM monitor.
My court date is March 2nd. Now doing a bunch of research into the role of a guardian et litem, since we will be asking the court to assign one.
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 
Ask around and get opinions on who are good GAL's in your area, and if you are able to request, do so. Some are excellent, some are lazy and don't do their homework.
Big hugs.
Big hugs.
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Originally Posted by CoParentToA
My attorney came up with a list of four; our mediator offered to weigh in on who is good. Hopefully we will get one who understands alcoholism, which I think is most critical.
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Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad
I'll probably have to deal with a GAL as well, and I also want someone who is versed in households with addiction. My AW can be pretty cunning and a showman when it comes to keeping up appearances to the outside world.
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Thanks to this thread, I just googled a "black hole swallowing another black hole." After reading it, I feel I need an asprin and a nap. Weird..I always thought I was the smartest person out there and then I get reminded of Stephen Hawking..What a show off that guy is. 
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I do not have any experience with a GAL. We did/do have a professional supervisor for visitations - who specializes in addictions.
I just wanted to share two things - my exah showed up and charmed his way through his court ordered alcohol assessment test that the dr submitted his "findings" to the court the same day as a potential problem drinker. Two days later, the lab report came back from exah's UA from the Monday morning he met with the dr and I don't remember the exact number any more but he was more than two times the legal limit during their assessment. The Dr. was so embarrassed and he submitted a letter to the court changing his findings and included the lab report.
The second, my D6 has been discussing all things volcano related. The are always alive. Lava/magma could spew any moment. She has told me several times she is afraid I could fall into a volcano :/ Lord help me when she learns about black holes!
I just wanted to share two things - my exah showed up and charmed his way through his court ordered alcohol assessment test that the dr submitted his "findings" to the court the same day as a potential problem drinker. Two days later, the lab report came back from exah's UA from the Monday morning he met with the dr and I don't remember the exact number any more but he was more than two times the legal limit during their assessment. The Dr. was so embarrassed and he submitted a letter to the court changing his findings and included the lab report.
The second, my D6 has been discussing all things volcano related. The are always alive. Lava/magma could spew any moment. She has told me several times she is afraid I could fall into a volcano :/ Lord help me when she learns about black holes!
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I quite agree! In my state you can each have one strike, then you get who you get unless you both agree on the same one.
Originally Posted by CoParentToA
My attorney came up with a list of four; our mediator offered to weigh in on who is good. Hopefully we will get one who understands alcoholism, which I think is most critical.
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The GAL is determined, my attorney is super happy with the person who will be working with us. Says he is totally invested in what's best for the kids, and he seems to have good ratings online - like people raving about him. Whew!
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Originally Posted by CoParentToA
The GAL is determined, my attorney is super happy with the person who will be working with us. Says he is totally invested in what's best for the kids, and he seems to have good ratings online - like people raving about him. Whew!
COD
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I just hung up with the GAL, on the phone at least he seemed great, very warm and funny and open. He clearly likes my attorney and talked about their history together.
I think he was trying to feel me out a little bit, and mentioned that he understood my ex was "all in" on recovery, being monitored, etc.
I think I walked the line well in terms of being able to say, essentially, yes, in the wake of any relapse I think he is sincerely committed to pursuing recovery! And I know he can stay dry while he's monitoring, he's done that for a few months at a time in the past. But he has not been able to maintain sobriety after the monitoring period, and that is what is concerning to me.
I did make reference to wanting to make sure that I am raising the twins in a healthy way so that they can avoid a genetic predisposition to this disease, something that my ex did not.
I was super careful not to sound angry or blaming or bad mouthing but more resigned / sad it has to come to this.
We will have an in-person meeting on March 14th.
He had not spoken with my ex yet.
I think he was trying to feel me out a little bit, and mentioned that he understood my ex was "all in" on recovery, being monitored, etc.
I think I walked the line well in terms of being able to say, essentially, yes, in the wake of any relapse I think he is sincerely committed to pursuing recovery! And I know he can stay dry while he's monitoring, he's done that for a few months at a time in the past. But he has not been able to maintain sobriety after the monitoring period, and that is what is concerning to me.
I did make reference to wanting to make sure that I am raising the twins in a healthy way so that they can avoid a genetic predisposition to this disease, something that my ex did not.
I was super careful not to sound angry or blaming or bad mouthing but more resigned / sad it has to come to this.
We will have an in-person meeting on March 14th.
He had not spoken with my ex yet.
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Originally Posted by BAW81
I'd keep the communication about the GAL between you and your ex to a minimum.
With rare exception, we have been operating in this compartmentalized world where we try to interact as if the court thing is happening to two different people. He has legal training, so I am cautious about anything I share, and generally only communicate with him about legal stuff when my attorney tells me to.
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It sounds like your attitude to the GAL is just right - sad that it has come to this (I still feel that way whenever I get correspondence form my lawyer headed "Re: Sasha vs Ex" - how pathetic that what I once thought was the great love of my life has ended up this way) but also pragmatic and practical about looking out for the kids' best interest. Well done!
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I had my GAL meeting the other day and thought I would post an update for those who might go through something similar at some point. It was a really good conversation and I was happy with how it went.
My ex had actually already spoken with him, so had given the GAL the basic history. Sounds like he was pretty open about his issues and portrayed things mostly accurately (although he did leave out a few relapses in his telling of the story - something I pointed out and the GAL seemed to understand: "Oh, so he's saying he relapsed 2-3 times and the truth is that he was caught with irrefutable proof 2-3 times").
I did a good job of keeping on message: I have no doubt my ex can stay dry through a few months of monitoring. We've been through this cycle 5 or 6 times now. The problem is, when he stops monitoring, he relapses again. I am not confident in his recovery, and until I am, I don't feel comfortable about his parenting.
I do think that ex came across well, the GAL referenced again that he felt that he was "all in." I think I was able to deposition that by talking more specifically about what he's like in the wake of a relapse.
I said, "Honestly, each time it happens, he's great - so open, so candid, takes full responsibility, you really believe that he is committed heart and soul to recovering this time. I mean, I have wanted to believe that every time, like "OK, THIS time he means it!" But over time I've come to understand that he's fighting a really terrible and cunning disease, and to date, all his sincere intentions in the wake of a relapse have not been enough to give him power over his addiction."
I saw a flicker of recognition in the GAL's eye, like he suddenly realized that maybe he had been taken in by my ex's story just like the rest of us have been.
At any rate, he seemed to have a sense of how he wants to proceed. He thinks that there was no reason to meet the kids or anyone from the schools, etc, because "it's clear that they aren't the problem - XAH is the problem, and he's acknowledging as much, so that's the only thing we have to worry about."
He wants my ex to start monitoring with SCRAM, which is an ankle bracelet that takes continuous readings of blood alcohol level. After a few months of sobriety, my ex can begin to have his parenting be unsupervised - like taking them from 9 am to 5 pm on a given day. Then he would drop down to SoberLink monintoring, blowing 4-5 times a day, etc. Gradually he would reduce daily blows, or maybe even move to a model where he is only blowing when he is with the kids.
But the GAL said that he felt that perhaps XAH should never go OFF the monitoring completely, saying that he thought the monitoring kept him sober. I am inclined to agree.
He definitely wants to take some time to figure things out, working my ex's parenting time up gradually, increasing every few months. "Maybe by September we'd be in position to understand what a longer term custody agreement would look like."
One good thing is that he recognized our current schedule, which was designed when the twins were babies, was crazy for school age children. So he definitely focused in on the need to change that (something I've been pushing for two years now with my ex, with no success).
He told me that my ex is now pushing for 50 / 50 (previously my ex had 8 nights out of 14, or slightly more than 50 / 50), but that my ex told him that he didn't know if I would go for that now. I acknowledged that it was hard to imagine that I would ever be comfortable with a 50 / 50 schedule, and definitely not while my ex is so early in his recovery.
He said, "Well, now that you have them all the time, you must like having so much time with them." (It felt a bit like a trap!)
I said, "Well, yes, of course I enjoy having them, but mostly I feel like the twins have just been so much happier and more even-keeled now that they are in a stable and consistent household. They are in a rhythm, they know what to expect... I can just tell it's easier for them. And honestly - I am not sure that my ex is going to be able to maintain his recovery if he has to be a single parent of two young kids half the time."
He complimented me on the fact that I was willing to have my ex in my house each afternoon with the kids ("Not many divorced parents would do that") and that I had been willing to let him walk the kids to and from school ("That's smart - how much trouble can they get into over a few blocks") and seemed to understand that I wanted the twins to have time with him ("It seems like you're totally fine with him having time with them - so long as you know he's sober.")
Anyway, we covered a lot in the hour that we had, and when I sent my attorney a recap, he was super happy about how it had all gone. I definitely feel like this GAL has a better sense of our reality and is highly vested in doing what's best for my kids. Ideally I'll wind up with primary custody. But even worst case, we'll wind up on a 50 / 50 schedule with my ex on continuous monitoring - not the ideal, but ultimately I could live with that.
My ex had actually already spoken with him, so had given the GAL the basic history. Sounds like he was pretty open about his issues and portrayed things mostly accurately (although he did leave out a few relapses in his telling of the story - something I pointed out and the GAL seemed to understand: "Oh, so he's saying he relapsed 2-3 times and the truth is that he was caught with irrefutable proof 2-3 times").
I did a good job of keeping on message: I have no doubt my ex can stay dry through a few months of monitoring. We've been through this cycle 5 or 6 times now. The problem is, when he stops monitoring, he relapses again. I am not confident in his recovery, and until I am, I don't feel comfortable about his parenting.
I do think that ex came across well, the GAL referenced again that he felt that he was "all in." I think I was able to deposition that by talking more specifically about what he's like in the wake of a relapse.
I said, "Honestly, each time it happens, he's great - so open, so candid, takes full responsibility, you really believe that he is committed heart and soul to recovering this time. I mean, I have wanted to believe that every time, like "OK, THIS time he means it!" But over time I've come to understand that he's fighting a really terrible and cunning disease, and to date, all his sincere intentions in the wake of a relapse have not been enough to give him power over his addiction."
I saw a flicker of recognition in the GAL's eye, like he suddenly realized that maybe he had been taken in by my ex's story just like the rest of us have been.
At any rate, he seemed to have a sense of how he wants to proceed. He thinks that there was no reason to meet the kids or anyone from the schools, etc, because "it's clear that they aren't the problem - XAH is the problem, and he's acknowledging as much, so that's the only thing we have to worry about."
He wants my ex to start monitoring with SCRAM, which is an ankle bracelet that takes continuous readings of blood alcohol level. After a few months of sobriety, my ex can begin to have his parenting be unsupervised - like taking them from 9 am to 5 pm on a given day. Then he would drop down to SoberLink monintoring, blowing 4-5 times a day, etc. Gradually he would reduce daily blows, or maybe even move to a model where he is only blowing when he is with the kids.
But the GAL said that he felt that perhaps XAH should never go OFF the monitoring completely, saying that he thought the monitoring kept him sober. I am inclined to agree.
He definitely wants to take some time to figure things out, working my ex's parenting time up gradually, increasing every few months. "Maybe by September we'd be in position to understand what a longer term custody agreement would look like."
One good thing is that he recognized our current schedule, which was designed when the twins were babies, was crazy for school age children. So he definitely focused in on the need to change that (something I've been pushing for two years now with my ex, with no success).
He told me that my ex is now pushing for 50 / 50 (previously my ex had 8 nights out of 14, or slightly more than 50 / 50), but that my ex told him that he didn't know if I would go for that now. I acknowledged that it was hard to imagine that I would ever be comfortable with a 50 / 50 schedule, and definitely not while my ex is so early in his recovery.
He said, "Well, now that you have them all the time, you must like having so much time with them." (It felt a bit like a trap!)
I said, "Well, yes, of course I enjoy having them, but mostly I feel like the twins have just been so much happier and more even-keeled now that they are in a stable and consistent household. They are in a rhythm, they know what to expect... I can just tell it's easier for them. And honestly - I am not sure that my ex is going to be able to maintain his recovery if he has to be a single parent of two young kids half the time."
He complimented me on the fact that I was willing to have my ex in my house each afternoon with the kids ("Not many divorced parents would do that") and that I had been willing to let him walk the kids to and from school ("That's smart - how much trouble can they get into over a few blocks") and seemed to understand that I wanted the twins to have time with him ("It seems like you're totally fine with him having time with them - so long as you know he's sober.")
Anyway, we covered a lot in the hour that we had, and when I sent my attorney a recap, he was super happy about how it had all gone. I definitely feel like this GAL has a better sense of our reality and is highly vested in doing what's best for my kids. Ideally I'll wind up with primary custody. But even worst case, we'll wind up on a 50 / 50 schedule with my ex on continuous monitoring - not the ideal, but ultimately I could live with that.
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