Called me from hospital
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
When I used to get these dramatic voice mails from my exah prior to blocking him I found our he'd sent them to everyone and was basically yanking all our chains to see which sucker would come running. The sob story was based on facts ( other alcoholics he knew) but not his cos he lied and twisted his tales of woe to push my buttons which he knew oh so well and until I learnt to focus away from him and stop all contact I would worry unnecessarily. Your ex, like mine, has chosen what he is doing and has choices to put a stop to it anytime he decides. As has been said by op none of this is in your control or power.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
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Originally Posted by Smarie78 
Thoughts flooded my mind about what he is going to do. Will he go back on the streets if he has no place to go? Will he go to his mom for help and please God let her help him. What if she doesn't help him and he turns to me for shelter? How do I come to terms that I absolutely cannot have him with me in my home while being okay with him being homeless and sick?
Your situation is similar. It sounds as though there is still some part of you that feels you can help him, or in some way mitigate the consequences of his choices. Addiction is a disease, yes, but nobody forced me to drink. I was willing to pay the price, because I wanted to drink more than I wanted to stay sober. Alcohol continually takes more from us as we drink, and those that get sober do so when they become willing to put down the drink rather than lose something they value. Unfortunately, some of us never get to that place.
Let it go... this is one for his higher power.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
You summed that up PERFECTLY.
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
you have the power to help him off the streets and to be there, you just are choosing not to
you mean.....HE has the power to HELP HIMSELF and chooses not to......
you mean.....HE has the power to HELP HIMSELF and chooses not to......
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Anvilhead's advice is always like... an anvil dropping on your head. 
Anyway, I do agree with Anvilhead. If he's in hospital, he's getting help. Also you have no idea if he really is in hospital with missing toes or whatever. You don't know if you were the only one he called. And what sort of help does he want, exactly? Money? If he won't stay in a shelter, it's because he doesn't want to be sober.
Getting a phone call like this would do my head in too. It would be seriously upsetting; you don't have to be codependent to be upset by this. If he isn't estranged from his family, they are likely going to be there for him when he needs it. I hope he finds the help he needs, and I think you might have to change your phone number to avoid getting calls... just something to think about.
Anyway, I do agree with Anvilhead. If he's in hospital, he's getting help. Also you have no idea if he really is in hospital with missing toes or whatever. You don't know if you were the only one he called. And what sort of help does he want, exactly? Money? If he won't stay in a shelter, it's because he doesn't want to be sober.Getting a phone call like this would do my head in too. It would be seriously upsetting; you don't have to be codependent to be upset by this. If he isn't estranged from his family, they are likely going to be there for him when he needs it. I hope he finds the help he needs, and I think you might have to change your phone number to avoid getting calls... just something to think about.
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Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
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i hope this morning finds ya more mentally and emotionally strong,smarie. something else that i thought about:
he's been admitted to the hospital for amputation of some toes. He also was beaten (broken ribs, stabbed) after spending a month on the street with the bottle
no mention of you? no asking how you were? no hoping you were ok? no wishing you well?
i had an awesome AA sponsor. wouldnt let himself get dragged into my self pity. he had a phrase he used more than once-it eventually clicked and i understood self pity before i blurted it out:
the only place youll find sympathy around here is in the dictionary-between **** and syphillis.
i only heard that when it was self induced crap.
dont join in the pity party and have an awesomely awesome day.
he's been admitted to the hospital for amputation of some toes. He also was beaten (broken ribs, stabbed) after spending a month on the street with the bottle
no mention of you? no asking how you were? no hoping you were ok? no wishing you well?
i had an awesome AA sponsor. wouldnt let himself get dragged into my self pity. he had a phrase he used more than once-it eventually clicked and i understood self pity before i blurted it out:
the only place youll find sympathy around here is in the dictionary-between **** and syphillis.
i only heard that when it was self induced crap.
dont join in the pity party and have an awesomely awesome day.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 199
Smarie - I went through this exact same scenario with AF (he was my roommate for 4 months before I asked him to leave).
Texted me a bunch of quacking about calling 9-1-1, hospital, blah blah blah. I got sucked into the quacking (I posted about it) and I was wrong to have done that, but I didn't give in with helping him.
Most of the people on the street are VERY resourceful. My AF doesn't want to stop drinking, so he won't adhere to rules at my house or anywhere else. Therefore, he was on the street. Not my problem.
He was resourceful enough to find his drinking money and whatever else he was doing. He's a vet, so he had a lot of ways to get help. HE CHOSE NOT TO, but continued on his ways.
He set up a GoFundMe to travel back to his home state, he called and milked people for hotel rooms and lord knows what else.
Texted me a bunch of quacking about calling 9-1-1, hospital, blah blah blah. I got sucked into the quacking (I posted about it) and I was wrong to have done that, but I didn't give in with helping him.
Most of the people on the street are VERY resourceful. My AF doesn't want to stop drinking, so he won't adhere to rules at my house or anywhere else. Therefore, he was on the street. Not my problem.
He was resourceful enough to find his drinking money and whatever else he was doing. He's a vet, so he had a lot of ways to get help. HE CHOSE NOT TO, but continued on his ways.
He set up a GoFundMe to travel back to his home state, he called and milked people for hotel rooms and lord knows what else.
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Location: East Coast
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no mention of you? no asking how you were? no hoping you were ok? no wishing you well?
So yes, I did feel sorry for her, but looking back she definitely had a victim mentality that did not help matters. She got particularly obsessed with a particular man to the point of stalking him, and she would call me up and talk hour upon hour upon hour about him. I didn't want to end the friendship because I thought she needed some compassion and she needed help.
One evening, my long distance boyfriend broke up with me over the phone. This was expected, but it still devastated me because I had so many hopes with him. I had met his family and was thinking about moving to where he lived. So I was crushed and crying on the floor.
Then she called.
She started going on and on about the guy. I don't think she even noticed I was crying. My mind was obviously in another place, so I just blurted out "M___ broke up with me!"
"Oh!" she replied, "I'm sorry!" AND THEN SHE HUNG UP.
And I didn't feel betrayal. What entered my body was a sense of RELIEF! I was grateful that my boyfriend broke up with me that night so I wouldn't have to speak to her (which says loads!)! And when I think about that evening, that's still the number one memory that arises out of it.
But that wasn't the kicker. The kicker was about a month later. She called again and in the course of the conversation, I realized that she had forgotten that M___ had broken up with me. She didn't remember it at all. And then I made my decision right there - I was sorry that she had the physical impairment. I was sorry that she didn't have a boyfriend. But I couldn't tolerate someone so self-centered that she didn't try to be an actual friend (there was other stuff as well, which I'm not going to to rehash because I don't want to write a laundry list right now).
And actual, real boyfriends don't cheat on their girlfriends. Real fathers don't abandon their sons. He isn't trying to be anything of the sort - he's just drinking instead. In regards to his current situation: Well, what the hell did he think was going to happen? Did he seriously think that if he continued to drink that things would turn out hunky dory? He's gotten multiple warnings and still he refuses to let go of the bottle. That is all on him.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Even if you can't help him, there's nothing wrong with hoping things turn out well for him. And I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling sad about how things turned out, either. Sorry you're going through this.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Smarie78
I'll be honest though in that I didn't feel any of those things. Sadness for him only, not anger.
in a matter of moments that "phew, so glad he is alive so now I can move on"....turned into..."what do I do now with this information? I thought I was waiting for this call, but now that it's come I don't want it because I don't know what to do with it"...
This isn't about him at all - it's about YOU being able to step fully away from your DOC & move forward in YOUR life, right? You can be sad for him because he's chosen this path, you just don't have to alter a single step in YOUR path because of it.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
So yes, I did feel sorry for her, but looking back she definitely had a victim mentality that did not help matters.
Smarie, you don't know that one single thing he said in that voice mail is true. Not that it matters, really. His actions towards you for the past few years tell you all you need to know. He cannot be trusted in any way whatsoever. Given the chance, he will use you, disrespect your home, manipulate and lie to you. Hoping he does not get another chance, ever.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 199
Originally Posted by bigsombrero
Even if you can't help him, there's nothing wrong with hoping things turn out well for him. And I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling sad about how things turned out, either. Sorry you're going through this.
I pray everyday for my AF. I hope he gets the help he needs and lives a fruitful and productive life. It just can't be with me.
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I’ve really appreciated so much support here. I truly don’t know how I would have handled it. Everything you all said is spot on. Talked to him in the hospital yesterday. I went by to take him clothes. There was no malice or anger or frustration from me.I felt at peace. I was so afraid if all my fears came through and he was going to ask me for help how I would do it. How I’d be strong enough to say no as I could not have him in my home, but how I could make peace with him on the streets. Well, it turns out that he had arranged with his mother to go there to live for a while as he figures out what to do. Here I was carrying and taking on the burden and all along and I didn’t need to. I was glad I didn’t return his initial calls because it likely forced him to go to his family. I simply wasn’t available for him and guess what? He found a way without me. I know it shouldn’t matter that he got help or ended up on the streets and its not my problem, but I won’t lie and say it didn’t give me a huge sigh of relief when he said his mom and (and estranged wife) came to the hospital already. Here I was thinking oh I’m all he has. It’s a self-imposed burden. Now in staying with them not only is it off my hands but he really will need to face his family (ex and son who live there) and I can be free. Again, shouldn’t matter what happened to him I could have still had my freedom, but again this just makes my letting go a little less painful.
He’s alive and not homeless. What else could I ask for.
I do want to say that there was a lot of self pity when I saw him. He cried many times telling me what happened in the last month. Asked if i could still see his black eyes and fat lip (barely). How he prayed someone would come find him and help him. He was staying under a viaduct with some addicts and homeless. I simply said to him he could have gone to a shelter. He had a whole bunch of excuses but the reason he failed to mention was because he wanted to drink. I didn’t cry at all when I saw him. I felt sad and shock a little that someone can so successfully ruin what was a pretty darn good life. He’s become this shell of a person I remember I first met. I did almost faint at the site of his feet. The frost bite made them black and purple, bloody and 3x their size. I think he was lying or eggaxerating about the amputation because suddenly as I was leaving the hospital he said the doctors said they won’t have to remove any toes afterall, but MAY have to take off the tip of one. Far cry from amputating toes. He also cried telling me he put a rope around his neck but I and his son were what made him change his mind (manipulation spotted clearly). I didn’t cry or say anything just kept a straight face bc i felt it was an act to keep me there.
Anyway that’s my story. I am happy this nightmare is ending. I spent a month mentally alone under a dark viaduct thinking horrible things. I called hospitals looking for a body, I lay awake at night imagining him dead someone unidentified. Then when he called more horrible thoughts on having to make the decision to say no to him, how horrible Id feel, etc. All for nothing as all along he survived and has a place to go.
Time for me now. I need me. Badly
He’s alive and not homeless. What else could I ask for.
I do want to say that there was a lot of self pity when I saw him. He cried many times telling me what happened in the last month. Asked if i could still see his black eyes and fat lip (barely). How he prayed someone would come find him and help him. He was staying under a viaduct with some addicts and homeless. I simply said to him he could have gone to a shelter. He had a whole bunch of excuses but the reason he failed to mention was because he wanted to drink. I didn’t cry at all when I saw him. I felt sad and shock a little that someone can so successfully ruin what was a pretty darn good life. He’s become this shell of a person I remember I first met. I did almost faint at the site of his feet. The frost bite made them black and purple, bloody and 3x their size. I think he was lying or eggaxerating about the amputation because suddenly as I was leaving the hospital he said the doctors said they won’t have to remove any toes afterall, but MAY have to take off the tip of one. Far cry from amputating toes. He also cried telling me he put a rope around his neck but I and his son were what made him change his mind (manipulation spotted clearly). I didn’t cry or say anything just kept a straight face bc i felt it was an act to keep me there.
Anyway that’s my story. I am happy this nightmare is ending. I spent a month mentally alone under a dark viaduct thinking horrible things. I called hospitals looking for a body, I lay awake at night imagining him dead someone unidentified. Then when he called more horrible thoughts on having to make the decision to say no to him, how horrible Id feel, etc. All for nothing as all along he survived and has a place to go.
Time for me now. I need me. Badly
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
Originally Posted by Smarie78
Here I was thinking oh I’m all he has. It’s a self-imposed burden.
Time for me now. I need me. Badly
Time for me now. I need me. Badly
Stay with this new way of seeing things, and you will regain your own power, your life will change. For the better
)
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Yes, time for you. That was all very emotional.
Its not wrong to have compassion, to feel bad about someone circumstances or the pain they are in. To lose compassion isnt the answer in my opinion. The real healing comes from learning to deal with emotions and accept what we can and cant do for others. It sounds like he is lucky to have not lost his toes. What a mess. I hope the hospital helps provide resources and he uses them.
But you can relax now and know he is not dead and has a path forward. It must be a HUGE relief. I bet you need a really good nights sleep to start with.
Its not wrong to have compassion, to feel bad about someone circumstances or the pain they are in. To lose compassion isnt the answer in my opinion. The real healing comes from learning to deal with emotions and accept what we can and cant do for others. It sounds like he is lucky to have not lost his toes. What a mess. I hope the hospital helps provide resources and he uses them.
But you can relax now and know he is not dead and has a path forward. It must be a HUGE relief. I bet you need a really good nights sleep to start with.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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I was glad I didn’t return his initial calls because it likely forced him to go to his family.
your actions didn't force him into anything....he'd already called his mother and his wife, and probably others too, either before or after calling you.
when he said his mom and (and estranged wife) came to the hospital already. Here I was thinking oh I’m all he has. It’s a self-imposed burden. Now in staying with them not only is it off my hands but he really will need to face his family (ex and son who live there) and I can be free.
you continue to assume that he has no ongoing contact with his "family" - that his world had only two inhabitants = you and him. that was never the case. he only told you that tale of woe.
I think he was lying or eggaxerating about the amputation
ya think? now take that new truth and expand it over EVERYTHING HE EVER TOLD YOU.
All for nothing as all along he survived and has a place to go.
all along........from BEFORE you met him. he remains exactly the same....
i hope you can truly now slam the door shut. did you ever get rid of his things? is your life now EX proofed?
your actions didn't force him into anything....he'd already called his mother and his wife, and probably others too, either before or after calling you.
when he said his mom and (and estranged wife) came to the hospital already. Here I was thinking oh I’m all he has. It’s a self-imposed burden. Now in staying with them not only is it off my hands but he really will need to face his family (ex and son who live there) and I can be free.
you continue to assume that he has no ongoing contact with his "family" - that his world had only two inhabitants = you and him. that was never the case. he only told you that tale of woe.
I think he was lying or eggaxerating about the amputation
ya think? now take that new truth and expand it over EVERYTHING HE EVER TOLD YOU.
All for nothing as all along he survived and has a place to go.
all along........from BEFORE you met him. he remains exactly the same....
i hope you can truly now slam the door shut. did you ever get rid of his things? is your life now EX proofed?
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
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Like alicia said, it isn't wrong to have compassion. The tricky part is to have compassion while maintaining a healthy dose of self-preservation.
I feel compassion for the woman who abused me years ago. I know she was young and scared and lonely and that's why she was motivated to act the way she did. But I also know what she did was pre-meditated. I know she abused me in a way that made it hard for other adults to see the abuse. And I know she never ever said once that she was sorry. So I feel compassion for her, but it isn't enough for me to have a relationship with her.
As for my friend, I listened to her for hours as she talked about her ex. Then I listened as her agony turned into an obsession. I thought I was providing her with a soft place to land when all I was doing was providing permission for her to continue stalking him. I was so naive and somewhat arrogant in believing that my friendship would save her. And so it goes.
I'm curious - what do you plan to do now? Travel? Run a marathon? Take a language class? An art class? The world is your oyster (unless you're allergic to oysters.).
I feel compassion for the woman who abused me years ago. I know she was young and scared and lonely and that's why she was motivated to act the way she did. But I also know what she did was pre-meditated. I know she abused me in a way that made it hard for other adults to see the abuse. And I know she never ever said once that she was sorry. So I feel compassion for her, but it isn't enough for me to have a relationship with her.
As for my friend, I listened to her for hours as she talked about her ex. Then I listened as her agony turned into an obsession. I thought I was providing her with a soft place to land when all I was doing was providing permission for her to continue stalking him. I was so naive and somewhat arrogant in believing that my friendship would save her. And so it goes.
I'm curious - what do you plan to do now? Travel? Run a marathon? Take a language class? An art class? The world is your oyster (unless you're allergic to oysters.).
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
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Great to read your post Smarie.
Keep working at yourself so that when the time comes you will be ready for a healthy relationship. Many of us here have broken "pickers" and this is why we pick the people we do. I am absolutely sure that if I hadn't wound up with my qualifier, I would have wound up with someone like him.
Keep working at yourself so that when the time comes you will be ready for a healthy relationship. Many of us here have broken "pickers" and this is why we pick the people we do. I am absolutely sure that if I hadn't wound up with my qualifier, I would have wound up with someone like him.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart
Tomsteve, you reminded me of an incident years ago when I was in my twenties. I had befriended a co-worker who had a slight physical impairment. It wasn't something that affected her mobility or her looks, but it did affect the way people perceived her, and most likely affected her outlook on life.
So yes, I did feel sorry for her, but looking back she definitely had a victim mentality that did not help matters. She got particularly obsessed with a particular man to the point of stalking him, and she would call me up and talk hour upon hour upon hour about him. I didn't want to end the friendship because I thought she needed some compassion and she needed help.
One evening, my long distance boyfriend broke up with me over the phone. This was expected, but it still devastated me because I had so many hopes with him. I had met his family and was thinking about moving to where he lived. So I was crushed and crying on the floor.
Then she called.
She started going on and on about the guy. I don't think she even noticed I was crying. My mind was obviously in another place, so I just blurted out "M___ broke up with me!"
"Oh!" she replied, "I'm sorry!" AND THEN SHE HUNG UP.
And I didn't feel betrayal. What entered my body was a sense of RELIEF! I was grateful that my boyfriend broke up with me that night so I wouldn't have to speak to her (which says loads!)! And when I think about that evening, that's still the number one memory that arises out of it.
But that wasn't the kicker. The kicker was about a month later. She called again and in the course of the conversation, I realized that she had forgotten that M___ had broken up with me. She didn't remember it at all. And then I made my decision right there - I was sorry that she had the physical impairment. I was sorry that she didn't have a boyfriend. But I couldn't tolerate someone so self-centered that she didn't try to be an actual friend (there was other stuff as well, which I'm not going to to rehash because I don't want to write a laundry list right now).
So yes, I did feel sorry for her, but looking back she definitely had a victim mentality that did not help matters. She got particularly obsessed with a particular man to the point of stalking him, and she would call me up and talk hour upon hour upon hour about him. I didn't want to end the friendship because I thought she needed some compassion and she needed help.
One evening, my long distance boyfriend broke up with me over the phone. This was expected, but it still devastated me because I had so many hopes with him. I had met his family and was thinking about moving to where he lived. So I was crushed and crying on the floor.
Then she called.
She started going on and on about the guy. I don't think she even noticed I was crying. My mind was obviously in another place, so I just blurted out "M___ broke up with me!"
"Oh!" she replied, "I'm sorry!" AND THEN SHE HUNG UP.
And I didn't feel betrayal. What entered my body was a sense of RELIEF! I was grateful that my boyfriend broke up with me that night so I wouldn't have to speak to her (which says loads!)! And when I think about that evening, that's still the number one memory that arises out of it.
But that wasn't the kicker. The kicker was about a month later. She called again and in the course of the conversation, I realized that she had forgotten that M___ had broken up with me. She didn't remember it at all. And then I made my decision right there - I was sorry that she had the physical impairment. I was sorry that she didn't have a boyfriend. But I couldn't tolerate someone so self-centered that she didn't try to be an actual friend (there was other stuff as well, which I'm not going to to rehash because I don't want to write a laundry list right now).
This actually made me laugh, and I hope you take that in the manner in which it is meant. I've had a few of these "friends". The yes, but me, me, me!" I have mostly "divorced" them. I still have one who can be this way at times, and sometimes I have to cut myself off from her for a bit. I have also hidden these types and the liars and hypocrites from my social media account.
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