Upsidedown23

Hi all, if this has already been covered in detail elsewhere please do link me to it but I couldn’t quite find exactly what I was searching for in the posts...

I think I need to go no contact but I want to explain myself in a kind and loving way so he can understand my reasons and that it’s not meant to be unkind etc...

My ABF is in a deep depression and I don’t want to push him over the edge, but I also can’t allow him to pull me down any further into this.

How did you tell your qualifier how and why you needed to go no contact, what worked, what would you have done differently etc?

Mango blast

Pray... and follow.

It's okay to state what you're doing and why. It's also completely okay to not say or write anything. Not contacting and not responding says enough.

This isn't about retaliation or hurting another person.




Originally Posted by maia1234

"Love this 'no contact is protecting your heart!'

So proud of you. It was God's time line not ours. Everything happens for a reason.

Keep moving forward my friend!!!"


I can't think of anything I would have done differently. It's a learning curve and doesn't need to be perfect.

The times I intermittently picked up contact kept directing me back to how healthy no contact can be.

One day at a time. More will be revealed.

The 5 g's.

1. Get off their back,

2. Get out of their way.

3. Give them to God.

4. Get to a meeting.

5. Get on with your life.

SparkleKitty

I understand you want to explain, but if you choose to do so, you must also accept that it will very likely not go the way you wish it would. I tried to explain that I needed time away from talking to my XABF after we broke up, but even my attempt to explain myself was just used as an opportunity to keep the dialogue going. In the end, only my action of actually maintaining No Contact made any differece.

I would keep it to "I" statements, e.g., "I need some space and time away from the pressures of a relationship."

And I would further state it once, and then cut contact. Don't engage in a negotiation.

biminiblue

Exactly what Sparklekitty said.

Tell him if you must, but then don't engage further.

I've broken up with two depressed alcoholics. They went on to do whatever it is they did and I was not privvy to it. If you know that you are done, you're done and it doesn't matter how he reacts.

Say what you mean, mean what you say, don't say it mean.

After that, the slate is erased and the discussion is finished. You'll likely not get the reaction you think, and it won't necessarily give you closure. I had to create my own closure, that's how it works.

Upsidedown23

Thanks everyone. Definitely agree with the sentiment that it can’t be used as some kind of tactic to illicit a desired response.

At the moment I’m not sure I wouldn’t be tempted to go back on it so not gonna do it before I’m feeling ready and strong enough but I feel like it’s only ever gonna end up that way and I need to start preparing myself for it so I’m not tempted to relent once it’s done

AnvilheadII

upside, chances are VERY good that no matter how well you craft your speech and deliver it with perfect diction and flowing oratory, HE isn't going to GET what you are trying to impart. look at his track record, his default it to do what? get drunk. on trains, on the side of the road, in a car, in a bar...sorry went a little Dr. Suess there.

my point is, keep it short. don't expect him to understand. he's only going to hear you saying NO. and don't expect him to respect your desire to go No Contact. it's not his job to uphold your boundaries. that one is on you. so if and when you DO want to enact No Contact, you block the phone, email, FB, twitter, whatever. you don't call him, and you don't allow him ways to contact you.

we do No Contact for US. because like an alcoholic, we can't have "just one" of anything when it comes to "our" addiction.

Upsidedown23

I feel so torn. I do desperately don’t want to cut off from him but I feel like I’m running out of options.

Today I contacted his close family and made them aware of how dark his days are becoming, he lies to them so much that they had no idea he was so far off the wagon, they thought he was doing better since rehab in November.

They have said they will get more involved in supporting him so I may be able to step back a little and see how that plays out before I decide whether full on no-contact is the last and only option

atalose

I would think that if you have the power to push him over the edge then you would have the same power to keep him from going off, how’s that worked out so far? How have you saved him to this point?

I feel that when we operate on tip toeing around someone else’s feelings, walking on egg shells in fear of saying the wrong things or not saying the right things, stuffing our own feelings and needs away we’ve already thrown up the white flag, we have surrendered to someone else’s addiction. We are already on their sinking ship going down with them.

No contact is breaking up with someone, leaving that relationship behind and moving yourself forward. But you are not ready to end this, maybe you never will be, maybe you need to sink father maybe you need to witness him sinking father while you sit and watch all the while believing you have some kind of power over him and his decisions.

I’m not trying to be mean or snarky because I have been where you are and I know how hard it is. I also know that all of that inner talk we tell ourselves on why we need to stay are a bunch of lies and a big bundle of our own fears. We reach a point where it stops being about them, after all they are A’s doing what A’s do, and it begins to be all about us and why are we doing what we are doing and how do we break our own self destructive behaviors to move towards a healthier and happier life.

CentralOhioDad

Great post, Atalose